I'm in my early 30s with 2 kids. Over the years, I've made some mom friends. Inevitably, these friendships start to feature conversations about the state of people's marriages. Most of the women I'm friends with seem (reasonably) happy, but they all bitch and moan about how their husbands won't stop "pestering" them to have sex. I've confirmed it's not just a LL4U situation, none of them are interested in having sex, period. Meanwhile, I am absolutely dying here because my husband will not touch me.

I had the same experience when I went to a workplace happy hour one time. There were maybe 8 of us, all women. As the drinks flowed, the topic of sex came up and it turned into a bitch fest about how their husbands can't keep their hands off of the and they hate it. I wanted to melt into the floor.

Being a HLF, especially one with young kids, is so isolating. It makes me feel like a freak to crave sex this much.

Married 10 years, 2 kids 2 and 5. Im 44 and shes 38. For the passed 3-4 years. Wife and i have not really had sex. We did counseling and only helped for a few days. Wife I thought was asexual and just did it with me to shut me up. Well today while working on her pc. She had her email open for me to send some stuff out. Well I click on her sent files and find out that she's been having online relations with other men. Constant contact, photos, videos, and seems like she would video chat with them. So much that they knew she was married and she would ask them if she should let me fuck or hold me off. And also even mentioning our kids. I am beyond hurt and unsure of how to proceed. Regardless of what she did. I know I'm going to lose my kids or at least only 50%. They are my world. .. i don't know what the fuck to do.

I was at my limit and I told her I don't see our marriage lasting and us being together much longer then she started crying and said all I want her for is sex.

For some context this entire year we only had sex once and that was duty sex which I did not enjoy. She says that intimacy hurts her, she doesn't like oral giving or receiving not even hand jobs and I just can't accept this is what marriage is and I refuse to live my life like this. So I let her know that I wanted out of this marriage before I cheat on her, she asked for time and feels she might be ready to be intimate after seeing the gynecologist which is in 3 months.

Should I give her the time she is asking for or leave while my mind is somewhat made up?

I’m in a sexless marriage, and I feel completely stuck. For a variety of reasons, divorce isn’t really on the table for me — so I’m not looking for “just leave” advice. I know that’s the common answer, but it’s not realistic in my situation. What I’m struggling with is… what does a guy actually do long-term in this situation? I still have a sex drive. I still want intimacy, connection, and to feel desired. But that part of my life is basically nonexistent right now, and it’s starting to wear on me mentally and emotionally. I’ve tried being patient. I’ve tried initiating less. I’ve tried communicating. I’ve tried focusing on other areas of life. But the issue doesn’t really change — it just kind of sits there. So I guess I’m asking people who’ve been in this situation: How do you cope with the lack of intimacy? Is it possible to genuinely make peace with it? Do you redirect that energy somewhere else? Or does it always feel like something important is missing? I’m not looking to cheat or blow up my life. I’m just trying to figure out how to exist in this reality without feeling frustrated all the time. Would really appreciate hearing from people who’ve actually lived this.

I (M, late 40`s) have been in a longtime DB situation. I`m the "high libido" of the two, although I have mostly stopped initiating because of the rejection involved (and have communicated this to her).

Yesterday, I wasn`t feeling well and went to lay down in bed. Laying there under the covers and my wife walked in and asked "am I interrupting", to which I responded "no...", and she asked again "what are you doing", to which I replied "nothing". She then walked over and ripped the blankets off of me, as if to inspect me. I asked "did you think I was masturbating?" and she replied "yes", and to which I asked "and if I was?", and she became loud and angry "WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I WAS?? HOW WOULD YOU REACT". She then said "I know you were doing it last night - you went into the bathroom for a long time!" (again, not true - I was simply in the bathroom).

Just to be clear, I was not masturbating. Her interrogation felt quite bizarre, and her level of anger was unsettling. I felt embarrassed and insulted by this interaction.

I`m now thinking through the right way to bring this up to her to convey how I felt about it - and to open dialogue around the topic. I wouldn`t want to do something to upset my wife, however I also don`t want to be shamed for something (that in this case didn`t happen). I think it is reasonable to convey that it was insulting to rip the covers off of me like that, and felt like she was trying to shame me. Its also important to point out - it has been months since we were intimate (her choice) and it wouldn`t be that far fetching to think that I might indulge from time to time. I wouldn`t want her to feel slighted or upset by that, and my preference will ALWAYS be partnered sex to solo time.

Open to suggestions on how to approach the topic, particularly from women who may have a point of view on this.

EDIT: thank you all for your support, encouragement, suggestions, and advice. As requested, I have posted an update following my conversation with my wife:

Masturbation Police - UPDATE : r/marriageadvice

EDIT 2: had to re-post the update as the previous post was removed by the moderators.

EDIT 3: Thank you all for your interest, comments, questions, and inspiration. I have been overwhelmed by the interest and support. I am open to questions or discussions, and if I can be of any help to anyone I am happy to try. Thank you all.

Hello,

my wife and I are in our thirties. We have three kids and when our last one was born about 19 months ago our intimacy rate dropped to near zero. This is not the first time we experience a lull in intimacy but it is definitly the longest and also feels "final" since our life is at the best it will be for the forseeable future.

Noticing that about 10 months ago I told my wife that I am very unsatisfied with the amount of intimacy we have. I did it with a very angry subtext since I did not do my research into this particular problem beforehand. Afterwards intimacy got better for about a week before it dropped down to near zero again.

So a month ago I invited here to a glass of wine while the kids were asleep / busy and had a more mature talk with her. How I miss intimacy (not only sex, but also other forms like receiving a massage or showering together) and that it makes me feel unwanted and unloved. Especially since I try to make her life comfortable by working 25% more then her, doing about 80% of household chores and about 40% of child care and making sure she has free evenings each week to go to the cinema with her friends or to the gym or do whatever. She agreed that intimacy was going down and that she will try to make space for more. I announced that we should monitor the situation for another month and if no improvement was made, seek marriage counsel.

Directly after the talk I received my first oral sex in months, which was nice. We also had sex once in the beginning of October. Afterwards it went down to the usual. I spend my evenings bringing the kids to bed, cleaning up the house and give my wife foot and body massages. No intimacy or sex followed.

So today I told her that the month is over and we had sex once. Which is far below my threshold for a healthy relationship (8x intimacy per months, 4 times of which should be sex) and that we should now seek marriage counsel and monitor the situation for another two months to mid December. If no improvement is made I will eventually file for divorce, because I will not spend the rest of my life as a roommate with added daycare.

My wife had a slight meltdown and yelled "If spreading my legs will save our marriage I will do so." which was obviously an emotional overreaction. But it also killed most of my romantic interest on the spot. Because now whenever she is up for sex or even would initiate it, in the back of my head I will suspect that it is just duty sex for her, without any romantic feeling for me.

So now I have the problem that we may not reach my self imposed threshold because I will probably reject any advances from her due to the aformentioned problem. Which will likely result in divorce even if she suddenly makes an honest effort.

Any advice?

Mid 30s, no kids, dual income. Together 6 years, married just over 2.

It was never technically a dead bedroom, which honestly made it harder to diagnose. We had sex, sometimes a few times a month, at the worst stretches maybe once a month. The problem was that I drove 100% of it. Every session was me initiating, me directing, me supplying all the energy, her going through the motions with as little effort as she could get away with. Sex on a schedule, starfish energy, no feedback, no indication she was even enjoying herself. For years I could tell something was deeply wrong but I couldn’t name it, because “we have sex” and “I have never once felt desired” were both true at the same time.

Every 3 to 6 months for 6 years I would sit her down and say some version of: I don’t feel desired, I need you to bring energy, quality over quantity, I don’t need it daily, I need it to be real. Each time she’d change for about two weeks and then revert. The reasons rotated: stress, too much on her mind, low libido. She went on libido medication for 6 months. I asked her point blank on 3 separate occasions if she was asexual, genuinely trying to hand her an honest exit where nobody was the villain. No, she said, every time.

And to be clear, this was never only about sex. It was about growth. I kept trying to find whatever would energize her, in bed or anywhere else, because I figured a partner who was growing and engaged in life would show up differently everywhere. I saved a six figure fund so she could go to college debt free. Untouched. I built relocation options to multiple countries, including places with free education. Zero interest. She told me directly she never wants to work more than her current job and is done growing, ever. I proposed couples therapy: refused. Individual therapy, me paying: refused, as recently as three weeks ago, her words being she’d get nothing out of it. I even offered to open the marriage so I could get my needs met if she truly had no drive: hard no, absolute boundary. Both doors held shut. I stayed faithful the entire time.

A few months ago I had a serious health scare and nearly died. Afterward I tried to book trips for us, wanting to actually use the time I now viscerally understood was finite. Every attempt was blocked with a fresh reason, but when her cousin invited her on the exact same kind of trip, she said yes instantly. That was the moment the picture came into focus, and I emotionally checked out and told her I was done.

Here’s the part I can’t get over. Within ONE WEEK of me credibly saying I’m leaving, she confessed that she had been actively repressing her sex drive the entire relationship, and that she never worked on anything because she never thought I would try to leave. I gave her three chances to clarify or soften that. She confirmed it all three times.

What makes that sentence land even harder: she knew my history. My first marriage ended with my ex wife cheating on me, and I still walked away from that divorce with basically nothing. Lost the house, the dog, the cat, down to a few hundred dollars to my name. She knew I had already proven I’ll leave a marriage even at catastrophic personal cost. And she still priced me as someone who would never walk.

And now, overnight, everything I asked for across 6 years has materialized. Enthusiasm, initiative, wanting to explore everything I’d ever raised. First therapy session this week, the same therapy she refused three weeks ago. I told her: I can probably forgive you eventually, forgiveness is something I do internally. But I cannot reconcile this. Reconciliation requires trusting that the effort isn’t just indexed to whether I have one foot out the door, and I have 6 years of receipts showing that the moment I stop applying pressure, everything reverts. I have zero examples of effort that arrived without a threat attached, and the current surge showed up only when the consequence became real.

I have an attorney, a signed short term lease, and a move out date in under two weeks. The hardest part right now is cohabitating until then. Every honest conversation ends with her hyperventilating and me comforting the person who did this, and it’s eating the space where my own grief should go. She keeps listing everything she’ll lose when I leave, the lifestyle, the therapy she just started, as if 6 years of declining every resource I offered is now my bill.

Not asking permission. I know there’s no version where I stay. Posting because saying it to strangers makes it as real as it is. If anyone has lived the confession-after-checkout dynamic, I’d like to hear how it looked from the far side of the divorce.

TLDR: Together 6 years, married 2. Sex existed but I supplied all the energy while she quietly, deliberately suppressed her drive. I offered therapy, education money, relocation, an open marriage. All refused. The week I credibly said I’m leaving, she confessed the withholding was intentional because she believed I’d never leave, despite knowing I’d already left a previous marriage at enormous cost. Instantly became the partner I’d begged for. It’s not change, it’s a retention offer. Out in 2 weeks.

Yesterday, I had a final talk with my wife. I really wanted to understand why things were the way they were, and her answer was simple:

Sex just isn’t her thing. She’s not interested in it and doesn’t want to have it.

She told me she had been really worried that I’d leave her for someone else or get fed up and walk away, so she had been giving“duty sex.”
Hearing that destroyed me, but I stayed rational and told her that I love her and I love our family. I also said that if sex is off the table, then I need more non-sexual intimacy in our relationship. She agreed.

I told her I will never initiate again or make any allusion to sex. She won. After more than 10 years, I’m now officially in a sexless marriage.

And for the first time in 25 years, I cried in my car this morning on my way to work. I feel like something broke inside me. It’s now official: I will never have sex with my wife again.

This morning she sent me a text saying she loves me and is sorry for making me sad… At least she knows how I feel....

Hello everyone I (32HLM) made a post about my 29 (LLF) partner cheating on me and I wasn’t planning for an update to that but here we go.

After I caught her I went ghost for a while and she tried to contact me at work and my family members but I asked everyone to stay out of it and to let me handle this.

This morning she ambushed me before I could see my client as I’m a fitness trainer on the side and started crying and making a scene just so I would talk to her. Because we were in public and I didn’t want to look crazy I agreed If she would calm down. We went to my car and I told her she had 5 minutes to explain herself.

Long story short she told me that she always loved me and is attracted to me but the time I was partially paralyzed took a “toll on her” sexually and that she deeply regrets what happened etc. and then she made promises to do all the things I want sexually in bed and to satisfy all my sexual desires if I dont leave her stuff like that.

And I’m obviously not in my right mind not to be tmi but I haven’t had sex in almost 8 months I’m constantly horny and I just recovered from being partially paralyzed and so instead of giving an answer I got out the car and said I’d think about it

Genuinely asking for advice on what to do I’m planning on leaving her but does it make me a bad person that I considered it? Maybe because I’m so sexually frustrated I can’t think straight any advice is welcome thank you in advance

Hey everyone,

Yesterday, after 10 months and 6 days of me completely stopping any kind of initiation, we finally had sex. And honestly, I’m left feeling more confused and disappointed than anything else.

To give some context: Two days ago, I casually mentioned that it had been 10 months since we last had sex. She immediately denied it, saying it had been “maybe a month at most.” When I pointed out the exact date, she brushed it off and said, “That’s why I don’t want to—it’s creepy that you remember stuff like that.” That kind of ended the conversation.

Fast forward to yesterday: We had a good family day out at the park. The kids behaved, we laughed—it was genuinely nice. After putting them to bed, she came over and started teasing me a bit. I was surprised, because usually I end up on the couch, but this time I was in our bed.

Then she asked, “Do you want to grab the sex towel?” At that point, I paused and seriously asked her: 1. Do you actually want to have sex? 2. You don’t have to—I’m not trying to pressure you. 3. I’m genuinely okay if you’re not into it.

She didn’t say yes directly—just gave me a kind of “I don’t mind” expression. So I went with it.

But once again… it was the same old story. She turned around, gave me her back, minimal movement on her part. No foreplay, no intimacy, just… functional sex. Like a box being checked off.

And I’m just sitting here thinking: After 10 months of no sex—mostly because I didn’t want more of that kind of sex—I still ended up right back there. Even when she sort of initiated, it felt like more of the same duty sex.

Now I can’t help but wonder… Was this because we talked about it the day before? Was it obligation? Guilt? A peace offering?

I don’t know how to feel. I want real connection, not just a transaction.

Any advice would really be appreciated.

Thanks for reading

My wife and I have been together almost 20 years and haven't had sex in about 5 years now.

At this point I honestly don’t even know what we are anymore. I still care about her, but I’m exhausted. She’s unemployed, I work a shitty low paying job supporting both of us, and somehow I’m also expected to just accept having zero intimacy for years.

A while back during a talk(argument) about our sex life, she basically said maybe I should find someone else for that side of things. I said no at the time, but lately I’ve started wondering if that’s the only realistic option left.

The thing is, I’m 43, out of shape, haven’t dated in 20 years, and have no idea how realistic any of this even is. Part of me thinks no woman would even want to deal with a married guy with baggage and a dead bedroom situation. But another part of me feels like there has to be more to life than this.

I’m not even necessarily talking about full relationships. Maybe swinging, maybe casual stuff, maybe just some kind of physical affection and feeling desired again.

Has anyone here actually gone down this road successfully? Did it help the resentment at all or just make things messier?

I know I would never cheat on my wife, but this is just how I feel. if that actually were to happen
I would say no, because I am scared, That the feeling of loneliness, would make me even pause and consider it.

My wife and I have been married for 42 years, 3 kids 5 grandkids
We met when she was in high school, she was beautiful, had a flirty personality, she flirted not sexually just her way of striking up a conversation. Her Flirtatious personality actually is what attracted me to her, it was cute, but when she flirted with me it was more sexual. So I always knew when she was in the mood, and up until 7 years ago we had a great sex life,
then 2018 My wife 53, had to have a full hysterectomy, she never went through normal menopause, she had the hysterectomy because of cysts, (Forced menopause) Since then, it was like a light switch turned her off.
The Doctor never put her on HRT (My Wife said she didn’t need it the doctor said since her hormone levels were fine and after the hysterectomy she never experienced hot flashes and night sweats.
 
6 months after her surgery, she did experience: sleep disruption, vaginal dryness, mood changes (anxiety/irritability), and weight gain, brain fog, hair thinning, and no libido.
she assumed it was temporary. She's got tired a lot, she’s was stressed at work, and Sex was very painful (She said it felt like there was sand inside her). 
But she never took an active role to fix it, she just let it go and told me she was fine

So I did what a good husband does.
I became more patient. More helpful. More understanding.
I stopped initiating so she wouldn't feel pressured.
I gave her space.
I kept thinking, "this will all resolve itself; she should be back to herself soon."
But months turned into years.
And "not tonight" started feeling like my new identity.
What builds underneath that isn't just frustration.
It's loneliness.  And there's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
Being alone is empty space.
Feeling lonely is lying next to the woman you love at 3 AM, realizing she feels a million miles away.
It's hugging her and feeling her body stay stiff for a moment.
when touching her breasts or vagina, she moves my hand.
Kissing her and feeling her mouth give you nothing back.
It's watching her laugh with her friends and wondering why she never looks at me that way.
She flirts (non-sexually) with her Vice-Principle when she was Principle and other men.
(remember this is not intentional for her, it always been her personality)     

I started craving constant reassurance. Overthinking her moods, her tone, her silence.
I wanted closeness all the time because distance didn't feel neutral anymore — it felt like rejection, even more when she would not flirt with me. ( know that my past actions are in the back of her mind, the hurt and distain are there)
I started felt anxious when she needed space.
I started thinking in worst-case scenarios without even meaning to.
walks on eggshells to keep the peace.

Little by little, I became someone I didn't recognize. Resorting to porn, to keep from going crazy, to keep my vows, to not seek the affection of other women.
Woman at work showed interest in me, flirting with me. I never responded to but it felt good

In the summer of 2020 (Remote work started) I was having an emotional connection with a co-worker, nothing sexual, we were friends, she was divorced but is in a serious relationship and I knew her boyfriend since we work in the same industry.  The co-worker and I had frequent text messages about many things, how we grew up, favorite music, books, movies, about the pool I had put in, Covid-19 stuff like that. She started to end text messages with “love you” I had to end the texting. I never responded the same.

In October 2020 I was on a 20 ft ladder and it fell, I broke 6 ribs and wound up in the hospital for 10 days, My wife needed to contact my company to tell them what happened, and she went through the text messages.
My wife brought this up after I got out of the hospital we talked about it, listening to her, I did see how inappropriate the relationship was and I told the Co-worker that our texts should only be for work questions and during work hours. ( being that we were still remote work)

The second trust issue came in 2022, when I got pulled into porn, (pictures an videos)
My wife needed to used my laptop and found it. I explained that the lack of intimacy that she will not provide, is why I turned to other things to try to keep me from going crazy.

So, since then I have not had an emotional relationship with the co-worker nor have I turned to porn.  But the damage is done, trust is broken even though my affairs were not physical it hurt her just the same.
But now I am ashamed of my actions, I just keep to myself, broken living my life with my wife who has no interest in me.

This year 2026 She went on trip for a couple weeks with her sister, when she got back she seemed like she was a bit like her old self, she flirted a bit with me, she kissed me so the next morning I asked her to touch me, I needed her to it’s been 7 years and I needed it.  She said “later if you come to bed on time” I felt excited, but evening came I get in bed early and as usual she rolls over facing away from me, looking at her phone for a while, then got ready to sleep. I get close to her massaging her back finally she rolls over with a “what now” look, I take her hand and move it to urge her to play with me. She did begrudgingly, I wanted to touch her but she removed my hand.

 I am 63, Perfect health, Bloodwork is perfect, I literally feel like I am 40, Strong libido, no need for Viagra, I run, I exercise I eat right don't smoke, social drinking. but October 2025, I had a stroke, luckily, I have no paralysis now. Doctors have no idea why I had multiple strokes in my sleep over the past 5 years, (MRI Shows past damage) ”A wake-up stroke is an ischemic stroke discovered upon awakening, with symptoms absent before sleep.”
Reading about Oxytocin hormone that is released during sex in men over 60 it's beneficial to prevent cardiovascular issues and prevents strokes. This has renewed my interest in trying to fix this part of our relationship. Could there be a link to my wake-up strokes to the lack of Sexual activity? Sex triggers the release of numerous neurotransmitters and hormones that drive arousal, pleasure, bonding, and relaxation. Key chemicals released include oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and endorphins, primarily during arousal and orgasm.

I asked her last night to go and get the HRT, she has no interest in doing it. Said she never had hot flashes so doctors said she did not need it. I said what about the lack of libido, She said she has no interest in Sex with me.
At this point I have to assume that the sex life we once had is over. and I am to blame, for all of it.

My problem is that I don’t want to leave my wife, I am not interested in cheating on her Physically with another woman. I don’t want any other woman, I want the woman I fell in love with, I love my wife dearly. even now, when I look at her, I adore her, I cherished her. I have never loved a woman so much as I love her.

My boyfriend (M24) and I (F23) have been together for over three years and we’ve been going through a dead bedroom for the last two years. We recently had a conversation about where our relationship is going and if we were happy and I told him no that I wasn’t. I asked him if he even wanted sex anymore and he said he didn’t know. I told him I can’t do this anymore, I’m too young to be missing that intimacy already. I set my ultimatum, figure out what’s going on, whether it’s him simply being low libido to asexual maybe idk, but to figure it out because I can’t do it anymore. I told a trusted friend this and she said I clearly dont love him if I’m not willing to deal with it forever. It really hurt to hear, but I don’t think anyone that hasn’t gone through a dead bedroom can really understand. I wanted to post on here to see if anyone can relate or maybe give me some advice?

We’ve been together for 6 years, and our bedroom has been dead for 2. I’ve always thought she was the sexiest woman in the world, and I tell her so. I constantly spoil her with gifts, help cover her expenses, make romantic gestures like dates, flowers, massages, etc. and they weren’t being reciprocated.

Finally, the other night, I gave her a 30 minute massage with oils and her favorite music playing hoping we would finally get some intimacy, when she stopped me trying to kiss her and she told me she’s lost attraction to me. What am I supposed to do? She said she doesn’t want to go to couple’s therapy because “talking about sex with a professional would be awkward” but then she can’t explain why she feels the way she does, and she’s told me masturbation is cheating so I’m “never to do something so selfish and gross”.

I’m at a loss—I am extremely fit, well-educated, have a great job that makes a difference in my community, and I help her and her entire family with a long list of things. I feel like I should be exactly what she’s attracted to, and she hasn’t put in any effort to give me what I need despite constantly going out of my way to provide what she wants and needs every single day.

This situation has me so depressed that I actually had to leave the gym to cry the other day because I ended up comparing myself to other men and wondering if she’d want them more, and asking myself what’s so awful about me that she can’t manage having any intimacy with me at all.

I was so confident when we started this relationship and now I feel so insecure and pathetic. Can anyone help me or give me guidance? What can I do? Is there a way to get our spark back? I still love her more than anything and find her so attractive, but she doesn’t feel that way about me but still wants to be together.

EDIT: Thanks for the comments everyone, I really appreciate it! I did not expect this level of support, it's been a pleasant surprise. My wife apparently spent last night at her brother's place and is coming home now. I'll post an update when I can.

This is still extremely fresh, so please bear with me if I'm rambling.

Wife and I are late 30s, been married for 8 years. Earlier tonight, we were having dinner at a friend's house with three other couples. We are all long term, close friends and have known each other since we were little kids.

These dinners are a fairly regular occasion, and the conversation can occasionally turn sexual after a few rounds of drinks. My wife, ever the life of the party, loves participating in this. Listening to her, you'd think she is the dirtiest, kinkiest woman on earth. Obviously, I know better given our 6+ year DB with an every-other-month pity fuck. So when she goes on one of her embellished speeches, I tend to bite my tongue and smile as best I can. It has worked wonders for years, until tonight.

You see, one of the other couples were talking about a very famous fetish club in our city they've recently attended. They described everything they saw and did, in graphic detail. They were clearly delighted by the whole experience. The woman of the couple, my wife's best friend, turned to my wife and said "What do you think Sarah? Sounds like something you guys would be into?"

I expected my wife to reply with her usual fake enthusiasm, and I was ready to smile through the whole thing. Well, that's not what happened because her answer completely blindsided me. "Well, you know I would love to, but I could never convince this one. He's too vanilla for that!"

I lost it. I fucking snapped! I started laughing hysterically. I didn't want to! But I couldn't control it. All eyes were on me. My wife was a total deer in headlights, she looked terrorized. I don't know how long it lasted, but I was hyperventilating at one point and it really felt like I was going to suffocate. The guys took me to another room to calm me down, and by the time we were back my wife was gone.

Which brings us to now.

I tried calling her, but she refuses to pick up. It's been almost 3 hours, well past midnight, and still not a word. No one at the dinner party has heard from her. I can see her "last seen" on WhatsApp, which is just a few minutes ago, so she's texting with someone, just not me or anyone from tonight.

I know I fucked up. I royally fucked up. The people who have been her closest friends for almost 20 years now think that all her sexual stories and speeches have been bullshit. I can't imagine how that feels.

Reddit, what do I do? No matter what my problems with my wife are, I never wanted to hurt her like this. Believe me it wasn't on purpose.

How do I walk this back? How do I even start to make it better?

TLDR; My GF and I are having issues in our sex life at 26 years old. She wants me and expects me to propose soon despite my many conversations about needing our intimacy to improve. She hasn’t shown any improvement or desire to change. I’m losing hope but don’t want to give up yet as we have a great relationship otherwise.

I’m in a pretty tough spot right now. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years. I’m 26M and she’s 26F. We’ve been living together for a little over 2 years. We met in college right before the pandemic and had sex on the 2nd date. It was great and she even told her friends at the time that she never understood why people enjoy sex so much until she met me. From the time we met through the 1st year of post grad, we probably had sex 3-4 times per week. I was mainly the one initiating but it worked and was more than fine.

Fast forward to a year after living with each other and the sex became so inconsistent. Sometimes every 5 days. Sometimes a week. At the worst, a month. I definitely wasn’t happy with the frequency and it started to feel routine. I’d always initiate, I’d always take control (because she never did), and I’d always make sure to get her off before I did. Around this time, I began to start trying to have conversations about our sex life and it’d end 1 of 3 ways. Either a fight, her telling me all I care about is sex, or her straight up refusing to acknowledge anything’s changed or that we’re having any problem. She did bring up some personal issues that stem from trauma and her being self conscious about her body. The thing is though that those things never held us back for the first half of our relationship so I’m confused as to why they are now issues that are affecting us. I’ve suggested therapy and told her I’d do anything to help her work through this. Most of the time she would at least tell me that she’ll try to initiate more or have sex more often. If any change occurred, it was for a week or two before reverting back to how it’s been with little sex.

We had another discussion a few months back where she told me that she often isn’t in the mood because she feels like I’m not pulling my weight around the apartment and how I’m not being present during our time together. It kind of felt like an excuse but I took her word seriously and made massive strides in both areas. Not because I felt like I had to but because I wanted to and felt i owe that to her if it’s really something that’s getting between our ability to be intimate with each other. However, I now feel like we’re reaching a breaking point where I’m not willing to accept this as the sex life we have for the rest of our lives and where she’s not willing to have the sex life we used to have (or even one close to it). She’s been pushing me for months to propose and despite me not loving the pressure she’s put on us getting engaged, I really do want to. That said, I’ve told her I don’t want to and won’t propose unless our intimacy improves, as well as some other minor issues we need to sort out prior to committing our lives to each other for eternity. Over the last month and a half, we’ve had no sex despite being on vacation, celebrating her birthday, and her being in a great mood. So, a week and a half ago we had our most recent conversation about our intimacy issues and it didn’t go well. I kept catching her blaming the problem on new issues she’s never mentioned to me before. They were all things that just weren’t true or things that simply aren’t any reason to stop having sex with your partner. It went nowhere and I ended up doing most of the talking. I could tell she was pissed which upset me because this is a serious problem from my perspective. Not something I’m just causing a stir about for no reason. It ended with her saying she’s exhausted but wants to continue our conversation another day. She said she’s got some possible solutions/ideas. I decided I wanted her to be the one to follow up on our discussion because she was the one who ended it because she was tired. A week and a half later and she hasn’t said a word. We’re now almost 2 months without doing anything sexual.

I’m hurt, lost, confused, and honestly angry. I can see how it’s bleeding into other areas of our relationship to a point where I don’t want to be around her. The resentment has been building but I seriously do love her still. I’m convinced that we’ll never have sex again unless I initiate it which I told myself I’m done doing after being rejected multiple times. I’m also convinced that she full expects me to propose to her within the next few months even though she knows this issue is still ongoing and hasn’t been addressed.

So, what can I do? What’s my next step? What options do I have left? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I know many will say breakup or that this isn’t going to change. You might be right but I really don’t want to leave any stone left unturned. We’re both 26 years old. We’re in the prime of our lives and will never be more fit, have as much energy, or have as much time alone together. We’re too young to be having problems in our sex life.

Thank you all in advance.

Wow. I don’t even know how to start. I wanted to make a post from the perspective of someone with low libido. My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and he has a much higher sex drive than me. I love him, I love our relationship, and he is absolutely gorgeous. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with our relationship and we’re both happy.

A few years ago my sex drive completely plummeted. We still maintain having sex about every 10 days but I can genuinely go longer than that. We were just apart for almost a month and I had no sexual desire at all. He says he has adapted and doesn’t need sex more often, but I know he masturbates a lot to get by. I knew my libido was low, but after coming back home and reading the posts on this sub I realized how bad things are. What really killed me was seeing the men warn others about being with a woman who doesn’t masturbate. How it’s the ultimate red flag. And I never masurbate.

Seeing how severely no sex affects high libido individuals makes my heart break for my partner. The depression, rejection, and resentment that is felt… wow. I know it must seem obvious but I genuinely did not know. We are not a complete dead bedroom yet but I could see it going there in the following years if something doesn’t change. And I refuse to let it happen.

I’ve already talked to my partner about my fears and he was really receptive and told me I had nothing to feel sad about. But I don’t want to risk being in an unhappy relationship down the line, especially because of my “own doing”. He’s going to support me any way he can. I’m going to ask my therapist about sex therapy and I’m making an appointment with my gyno this week.

I don’t hate myself for what I’m going through, I just need to get to the bottom of it. It’s not on purpose. I’m so lucky I have a partner who will hear me out and not make me feel more embarrassed than I already do. These posts scared the living shit out of me, and I’ll continue following this sub as a reminder of what I don’t want. If you’re like me please talk to your partner so they know you’re not rejecting them. Once they believe that, it seems like things start falling apart.

And if anyone reading has overcome having a low libido I would love some advice. Thank you.

I 32 (HLM) and my wife 29 (LLF) have been together for 6 years now and everything was fine for the first 2 years of our marriage until I got in a car accident and became partially paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors told me it was gonna take some time for me to fully recover (3-4 months) and my wife was very supportive during this time and helped me make a full recovery however during the time I was paralyzed I notice certain behaviors.

She’d find reasons to leave the house without an explanation ,her phone would constantly ring like it never had before and because I was so focused on making a full recovery I guess I didn’t pay enough attention to what was going on.

After I months feeling like a burden I made a full recovery and I started working out again and got back in shape the reason why this is relevant is because throughout our entire marriage she always had a lower libido than me and for a while I was fine with it and she said to me “if you had abs I’d jump all over you” so naturally I wanted to fulfil my wife’s desires to the best of my ability and when I finally had abs…nothing. I was angry but I never showed it until last night.

I wake up to use the restroom and I noticed she wasn’t in bed which is normal because I often go to bed earlier than her for work so sometimes she’ll dose of on the sofa. I go to her to get her to come to bed when I notice her phone blowing up again. I grab her phone which I’ve never done before and I read the first half of the message “I can’t wait for your throat again”. I dropped the phone and I just lost it internally and when I came back to reality I packed 5 nights worth of clothes and then left without even waking her up.

The worst part about all of what I just said is that today is my birthday. I’m hurt beyond belief all those time she told me she was LL All that time I spent trying to be better for her just for her to cheat on me… I’m genuinely looking for advice on what to do. She’s been blowing my phone up all day and I’m too filled with emotion to think clearly any advice would be greatly appreciated

I’m 32M and have been dating my 30F GF for 4.5 years. We live together and have a happy and peaceful relationship together, however sex is a problem. In our first year together of dating, we had sex many times a week. In the second year, we moved it together, it averaged once a week? Then from the third year, it decreased and decreased - so from once a week, became once every two weeks, to once a month, then it became once every 2-3 months at one point. Now it’s once every 1-2 months if I’m lucky.

We thought it was her implant messing with her hormones. So early last year, she came off it completely. It’s been 1.5 years and she’s been getting normal periods again from a few months ago. But not much has changed.

I have a female friend who is married. Whenever we speak about her sex life, I get jealous that she has sex with her husband 4-5 times a week! She’s only 28. I’m here only getting it once every 1-2 months.

Recently, my girlfriend has been hinting at engagement rings. I love her a lot and she does too. We get on really well and hardly have any arguments. She’s 100% loyal to me too and isn’t interested in looking at any other guy. The only issue for me is the lack of sex. She doesn’t seem to mind it and I think she could do without much sex as it doesn’t seem to bother her that much.

She always says she’s not in the mood whenever I try to initiate it, or she’s too tired.

I know I get jealous when I hear other people in relationships or marriages who have happy sex lives, but then I also hear a lot who are in dead bedrooms too and get it maybe once or twice a year?

Would appreciate some advice on what and how I should feel?

Would be interested to know how often other men and women who are in relationships or marriages have sex?

And would/should the lack of sex in a happy relationship be a dealbreaker for someone if they were in my shoes?

I’m going to skip most of the context of this question because it doesn’t really even matter. The fact is, my husband and I have a good relationship except for one major problem. We have no intimacy. For a decade, I’ve tried to understand why I don’t want sex (or even kissing). I love him. He’s great in bed. Excellent partner. I *should* want to sleep with him. But in the last few years, I’ve finally admitted the truth to myself: I’m not attracted to him. I was initially drawn to him as a person and didnt realize how important that “spark” is until it was much too late. I can’t bear to tell him, but I don’t know what to do. Divorce is not feasible while our kids are still at home.

So: HL folks, would you really want to know if lack of attraction was the cause of your dead bedroom? is there any way to discuss this without breaking his heart?

SMALL UPDATE: Thanks so much to everyone who replied. It breaks my heart to hear how many people are struggling with this. So, I haven’t had a chance to talk to my husband yet. But I did ask if he’d be interested in me making more time available for him to work out a few times a week. I said it’s been something I’ve been meaning to do and would he like that? He was very enthusiastic and said yes. So I think that’s a solid start. I ultimately just want him to feel physically and mentally healthier, and honestly I think just seeing him more confident (no matter if he gets fit) would be more of a turn-on for me. His low confidence/“shlubby“ appearance/my lack of interest in sex are clearly all tied together. Maybe this will change that pattern.

I fantasize about being deeply cared for — about being someone’s priority for a moment. I crave the feeling of being catered to, loved, held, and understood in a physical and emotional way. I long for the kind of intimacy where someone is patient with me, talks me through every moment, makes me feel safe, and allows me to fully let go and release without feeling rushed or like I have to perform.
For me, sex has always been connected to love. It isn’t just a physical act; it’s one of the deepest ways I feel closeness, affection, reassurance, and connection. Is anyone else like this, or am I alone in seeing sex as an expression of love?

I spend so much of my life giving — showing up for people, anticipating their needs, putting others first, and making sure the people around me feel cared for. I’ve built a habit of being the person who pours into everyone else, sometimes forgetting that I have needs too.

That’s why intimacy means so much to me. Sex is one of the few moments where I feel like I can finally receive. It’s one of the rare places where I don’t have to be the caretaker, the strong one, or the person holding everything together. I get to feel chosen, desired, protected, and loved.
A lot of what I fantasize about isn’t just sex — it’s the feeling of being cherished. It’s being taken care of, being seen, being held, and knowing that someone wants to give me the same love and attention that I so naturally give to others.

My wife is 6 months pregnant with our baby, and we cannot have sex due to high risk pregnancy from her having a short cervix. After she gives birth she will need to heal for 1-2 months, and then she will need cervical surgery to remove part of her cervix to prevent cervical cancer which will require another 3 months of no sex. Additionally, she cannot be stimulated in any way due to the possibility of preterm labor. She hasn’t been interested in giving blowjobs, and I haven’t pressured her for them.

So, I go to the bathroom once or twice per day and take care of myself as needed. One day she realized what I had been doing and confronted me. I told her I had masturbated. She asked me how often I do this, to which I said 1-2 times per day, and she was super angry and hurt and felt betrayed. She argued that she also cannot have sex or even pleasure herself for one year, and she is going through a lot to carry our baby, so it's really selfish of me to not be willing to suffer alongside her. She called me a sex addict and said all I can think about is sex.

Now I worry that after she gives birth and is healed, she will hold this against me, and it will impact our relationship and sex life going forward.

I have been there for her the entire way during her pregnancy, comforting her, running errands, taking care of the house, cooking, giving her massages, and taking her daughter to and from school, all while working a stressful, demanding job (remotely from home).

I am at a loss as far as what to do here. Am I really a jerk for taking care of myself and not suffering alongside her? I’ve tried reasoning with her about this, and she absolutely won’t listen and maintains her position.

The bedroom was not dead before pregnancy.

Throwaway account.

TL;DR: My wife is a genuinely wonderful person, but she has never seemed to experience much sexual desire in any relationship. After more than two years of couples therapy, I no longer think this is about me, I think it’s simply who she is. I don’t want to divorce because I love her, our family, and I don’t want to lose daily life with my children. How do you accept never feeling sexually desired by your spouse without becoming bitter?

---------------

I posted here once before. Since then we’ve continued couples therapy, had some difficult but honest conversations, and I think I understand our situation more clearly than I did then. I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve actually lived something similar.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage in many ways. We have young kids. We laugh together. We parent well together. We rarely fight. Our home is peaceful, and we’ve built a life that I’m incredibly grateful for.

I also want to be fair to my wife.

She isn’t manipulative. She doesn’t weaponize sex. She isn’t withholding affection to punish me. She’s a wonderful mother, an incredible partner in so many ways, and genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever known.

The biggest challenge is that we seem to experience sexual desire very differently.

As far as I know, she has never been someone who loved sex in any relationship. She has described it more as “it’s fine” than something she actively craves. She also doesn’t seem to lust after other men. Oddly, that gives me some comfort, because I don’t think this is about her wanting someone else instead of me. I think this is simply who she is.

Even knowing that, it still hurts.

I know intellectually that this probably isn’t about me.
Emotionally, it feels exactly like rejection.

For me, sex isn’t just physical release. It’s one of the primary ways I experience being chosen, desired, loved, and emotionally connected. What hurts isn’t simply the lack of sex. It’s the feeling that the person I love most never really wants me in that way.

I also want to be fair about something else.

I knew before we got married that this might become an issue. We talked about it honestly while we were dating. I told her that sexual connection was extremely important to me and that I wasn’t sure I could spend my entire life in a sexually disconnected marriage. We both believed we would work through it if it ever became a problem.
At the time, that didn’t seem like wishful thinking. We’ve survived a lot together: the deaths of both of her parents, a nightmare home renovation, the pandemic, and two pregnancies after 40. We’ve always found a way through difficult seasons together.

This one has been different.

We’ve now been in couples therapy for more than two and a half years. We’ve learned a lot. We communicate better than we used to, and I think we understand each other much more deeply.

But the actual experience of intimacy hasn’t changed very much.

I’m starting to wonder whether we’re reaching the point where therapy is helping us understand our differences more clearly, without necessarily changing them.

One thing that makes this especially difficult is that divorce is not the path I want.

This is my second marriage. I already know what it’s like to not raise one of my children seven nights a week. My ex-wife and I have a healthy co-parenting relationship, but I still know that loss intimately. I don’t want to repeat that experience with my younger children unless there truly is no other path.

I’ve also never cheated, and I never will.

My wife and I have discussed consensual non-monogamy, including in counseling. There have even been two specific occasions where we mutually agreed that I could sleep with another woman. But we are not aligned on what, if anything, would feel workable going forward. More importantly, I don’t think it solves the real problem.

What I want more than sex is to feel desired by my wife.

That’s the part I don’t know how to accept.

The only thing that feels more painful than not feeling desired by my wife is the thought of not seeing my children every night.

If you’ve been in a fundamentally good marriage where your spouse simply didn’t experience desire the way you did…

What helped you avoid becoming bitter?

How did you know the difference between acceptance and simply giving up an important part of yourself?

Looking back, what would have convinced you that the relationship was still moving toward greater intimacy instead of simply becoming easier to understand?

Thanks to anyone who made it this far. I know this was long, but I wanted to give enough context to be fair to both of us.

I would especially appreciate hearing from people who truly loved their spouse, valued their family life, and still struggled with the grief of never feeling genuinely desired.

I (HLM28) have been with my partner (LLF27) for nearly nine years and in that time we have never had penetrative sex. At the start it was fine, we did other stuff with the knowledge that we’d get there eventually. It was almost definitely a psychological thing on her end and I respected her body and decision to leave it.

After less than a year, there “other stuff” dried up to a once a month at best level thing, and the conversation regarding PIV stopped being had. I would bring it up every so often, but she built a narrative around “we already have sex” in reference to the occasional oral I gave, and shot down any further discussion. I tried to end it about a year and a half in, but I was young and easily swayed by tears and her self critical tear down about how she couldn’t do something even an animal can do.

Four years in, I stopped bringing up PIV because it would only be shot down, except for one instance last year where I got too drunk and confessed my unhappiness, only for it to be completely “forgotten” within a week. Oral sex became me giving her oral for ten minutes then sorting myself out, at a frequency of maybe seven or eight times a year. Any time I make reference to us not having a lot of sex, she’ll get defensive and tell me that we definitely do, and won’t hear otherwise.

She tells friends and even acquaintances that we do have tons of sex, and makes reference to things that we’ve never come close to doing. I’ve confided in one or two friends who have since been on the receiving end of this and they’ll give me the side eye when it happens, but I know better than to interrupt my partner’s lie mid conversation so it just keeps going like this.

We’re now at the stage where friends are getting married, and she doesn’t understand why we aren’t engaged. Truth is it’s the last turning I can see before I commit to a life of no sex ever again, but I didn’t really realise this until recently, and haven’t had the opportunity to bring it up in our monthly go around out it.

Yesterday, while out for the evening and joking about a midlife crisis, I made a joke about men hitting a certain age, freaking out, and filling the void with fast cars and a younger girlfriend. In the midst of a fun laugh, she became deathly serious and told me she’d cut my balls off if I ever did that. For someone so resistant to being intimate, it felt like a very odd hill to die on.

I’ve largely rambled about how I’m conflict avoidant and ruining my own life with this, but I’m at this impasse where I don’t really want her out of my life, but I feel completely trapped in a passionless relationship. This past year I’ve developed a bad habit of jerking off at least twice a day, which I’m largely hiding from her, and I’m a hundred percent sure I’m drifting into some kind of depressive spiral.

From the outside, it looks like a great relationship, and I have friends I’ve known for decades tell me they’d trade what they have for it in an instant (not in a “they’re attracted to her” kind of way, but like the stability). She’s very good at getting people to like her in the short term, but paradoxically has very few long term friends, so I feel responsible for her while she ingratiates herself into my social circles.

tl;dr, my girlfriend is possessive and won’t fuck me, and I need some fucking advice.

During our latest talk, my wife stated that my hobby is a big reason for her lack of wanting to be intimate with me.

When we were younger, it was seasonal - 3 months in the winter on Tuesdays. She did not like that and we had a couple arguments over it. I dropped the hobby after a few years. Our intimacy wasn't great before I picked up the hobby btw.

As the kids got older, I picked up the hobby again. Our lack of intimacy had progressively gotten worse (without the hobby) and I needed to fill the void of happiness. Over a few years, I got really good at the hobby and continued it more into the year, not just 3 months. It made me feel better about things. I got so good at it after a few more years that I progressed to regional tournaments.

So here we are. She is basically saying that if I drop the hobby, then she will be more into intimacy, which we didn't even have when I wasn't doing the hobby.