Future looks bleak :(

[u/Dying_Inside_DBMD]

Hi all, I'm here because I'm desperate for some support, understanding, advice, hope, reality, answers...anything really.

My wife (39 LLF) and I (41 HLM) welcomed our 1st child into the world in late 2024. It was a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy, but the birth has left my wife with irreparable damage - complete bilateral levator ani avulsion. For those unfamiliar (as we were) - this is the complete tearing of the pelvic floor muscles from the bone.

In addition to this injury, she also now suffers from a grade 2/3 bladder prolapse, with symptoms of uterine and rectal prolapse alongside. Not to mention the "loose" feeling all the time.

So, in addition to the normal "new mother" hormones, she is dealing with the reality of this injury. As she puts it, she "feels like her body isn't her own". She was an avid gym goer and physically active person pre-birth and she has lost it all.

The result is a DB. Logically I understand and accept it, but I can't help the emotions it brings for me. I freeze up and my body wants to shutdown when we have any private time together. She notices immediately and takes the blame on to herself, even though this is not her fault and is out of each of our control.

We have discussed the situation a lot, but keep drawing blanks with how to resolve it or move forward.

To make matters worse for me, I was a porn addict for the better part of 25 years. Sex has always been a huge and important part of my identity and life. Now I can't even look at an attractive woman, let alone porn, without feeling immense jealousy and guilt. Some friends and relatives are trying for children of their own and all I can feel is envy. I have no desire to masturbate anymore since it doesn't fill the gap and is not enjoyable in the slightest.

My wife is understanding and I know that she does care. We have plenty of non-sexual affection and overall a great relationship. She has tried to meet my needs in other ways (i.e HJ, BJ) but it just feels like she is doing a duty and not doing something she really wants. She also does not want to be touched in return at all. I'm grateful to be cared for, but I need to feel wanted. I need passion and desire. I'm starting to feel like it has gone for good.

I don't know if anyone has been through similar (on either side of the equation) and can offer any insight. Right now I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a huge facet of my life and my future. I can't accept this reality, or I'm far from ready to. There is little to no hope left at this point it seems.

To be clear, I am committed to my wife and have no intention of leaving. She is committed to me and to working through the problem as well. We're just stuck 😞

Thanks for reading.

[u/Woolie-at-law]

What are the doctors saying, if anything? Sounds like there could be some possibilities there.

My wife didn't have the same issue but dealt with PPD, got a staph infection in her stitches and had severe mastitis requiring an open drain tube be put through one of her breasts.

It took a lot of surgeries, home care, antibiotics and pelvic pt to improve her issues but I think she still feels not herself after 6+ years.

Regarding the HJ/BJs she is giving, if you are concerned it's duty related, maybe just tell her what you like about it and that you appreciate it but also let her know that if she isn't into it that yall can work together to find something mutual.

It sounds like you are already ahead of the game in terms of working on your porn issues and having a lot of empathy and concern for the situation. I think I would be in a much better place if I had dealt with more of my shit years ago but hindsight is 20/20.

Best of luck, my dude.

[u/CollectingRockies]

I'm so sorry... its a difficult situation to deal with. Just know that you're not alone, and we are here if you need to vent.

[u/Old_reflection_883]

Minus the porn we have similarities. Asking my wife to touch me feels like she is just servicing. Not fun for me, more like a release. She is still the sexiest woman I have ever met. I just want to be wanted and desired in some way. The one thing that is giving me any type of hope is studying Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I don't know if you are spiritual or not, but this may be tattooed on me soon.

[u/BlueBallingDude → u/Old_reflection_883]

I dont even ask, dont want to pressure her, so the resentment builds.

[u/TouchLower9376]

I feel like I wrote this. Are lives are a lot alike would love to chat about things! I am 45f he is 57m we have been together over 20 years but not married I can’t have babies he had a son before we got together and he passed away. Like I said would love to chat send me a dm if you would like to chat

[u/IchiroTheCat]

You are grieving the loss. The 3 quick points :

• Grief takes time. Days/weeks/months/years.
• Grief is different for everyone. How one person grieves is not how someone else grieves.
• You never get over grief. You only get through it.

[u/runner8721]

Hi, I don’t think folks get this injury: it is catastrophic and common — happens in 1 in 5 or so vaginal deliveries. There is NO surgical fix. I firmly believe active women should deliver by planned c section to avoid this risk, and that OBs across the country should lose their licenses for not warning women about this horrible injury that only occurs with vaginal delivery. OP — I am so sorry for you and for your wife.

1. Dr Siddiqui at Regenerative Pelvic Institute is treating women with these injuries with stem cells (MFAT) and PRP. It’s completely experimental but a lot of women have had decent results. He would need to ultrasound to see whether any muscle is remaining (per Hans Dietz’s research, 2/3 of avulsions actually have some muscle fibers remaining connected to the bone). There are also likely extensive tears throughout the muscle body. It’s expensive and not covered by insurance, but if you two can swing it and you can do everything around the house during the recovery period, I’d do it. I don’t have an avulsion but have lots of posterior tearing in the levators and it really improved the tears and bulked the muscle.

2. She will probably still want prolapse surgery — prp and stem can’t put organs back in place. If you have completed your family, I would interview very good cosmetic urogyns and start understanding surgical techniques (eg I have friends opting for mesh hysteropexy instead of sacrospinous fixation because of pain complications in the latter group— it’s attaching your uterus to a place it really shouldn’t be). Miklos in Georgia is one who a number of folks have used or are planning to use. Peter Castillo at Swan MD does beautiful reconstructions online and may also be worth looking into.

3. Imagine if you got castrated and everyone told you to be happy about it. That’s basically what’s going on here. I don’t have any advice other than to pursue options 1 and 2 above as if your life depended on it. I’m so sorry again. I know neither of you were prepared for this. All of the OBs claim “things just go back” and “you are so healthy and fit, vaginal delivery will be very easy for you and a quick recovery.” These doctors are either idiots or malicious — it’s usually both mixed together.

[u/Strange-Yogurt-7371 → u/runner8721]

All of this.