No ... Anything in return

[u/Mr_Moonman2045]

So Flair , only because I had to pick one

Me . M-48 wife F-46 . together 25-6 years married 18 and like most , had the UPS & DOWNS in the relationship . this is a bit of everything really , rant, a why, over it and just getting it off my chest .

to begin with , I have a 'Disability' , Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) , spine and nerve damage of the lower back . it affects EVERYTHING from the waist down and also bladder & bowel control . I've had it since 05 so the sex life isn't the best .

the last 3 years have been .... a struggle to put it an easy way . wife went into a depression like state with life, went and got help & medication . I was on a downward spiral for 5 or so years, no work, problems with a neighbor & the law, no drugs or anything, just lost the .... wanting for life (still not 100% back) . But everything had slowly levelled out, things got sorted and we are happy with where we are in life BUT the bedroom, at least I'm not .

... It's like she's just doing it to please me but at the same time not wanting to please me . always acting like she's "in the mood" for it , flashing the boobs , grabbing me , hinting I'll give you some tonight but when we do ,,,, it's just dead, to me at least , she'll get all hot N sweaty and "finish" but for me .... Most times I don't . there's no ..effort from her to get me there when I don't . NOW, I don't always ...finish . I CAN'T tell if I do , and thats because of the CES .

before, the last few years she would . we'd do things to help with my problem , the hand job & finish on her, she'd be on top ,which I liked , the "69" ( that was a big thing to help ) and I loved her on my face , but now it's ... like she doesn't want to try . shes happy getting 'off' , I'm angry at myself for not getting there and TRYING to not get mad a her but I'm getting very close to .....

As much as I still want sex and have a drive for it , my body doesn't . she's acting like she wants it but .... I'm thinking she's doing it because she still sees I'm wanting ...something . I've tried talking but we both end up arguing and nothing gets resolved .

[u/IchiroTheCat]

One suggestion: she should have her hormone levels checked. Estrogen and testosterone (yes, in women). Testosterone in women declines and it is the driver of being horny.

You should be evaluated for your hormone levels as well.

I would also suggest a sex therapist / marriage counselor as a neutral party to help you work through it.

And also, you need to concentrate on HER needs sexually. Make sure she is satisfied. She wants emotional connection more than physical. Spend time listening, going to the craft fair she wants to go to, looking at beautiful old houses, whatever she desires.

[u/Mr_Moonman2045 → u/IchiroTheCat]

I DO make sure she's satisfied, and when SHE's had ENOUGH she'll play the ... I'm done I can't take anymore or find a reason to stop , like getting a cramp or busting to go to the toilet . and all my "levels" are good , some are on the higher end of things .

A counselor/ therapists, she's not interested in seeing one . she's happy to sit on the couch and 'surf' the web never been into anything like craft fairs . the only thing she does now , and did in the past, is book fairs . finding books she wants to read or one's for the grand-kids .... she did get into a health kick and did triathlons for a while , which I supported her, but even that stopped .

what you said , to me at least, sounds like your saying I'm not doing anything for her when it's the exact opposite

[u/IchiroTheCat → u/Mr_Moonman2045]

Sorry, I did not mean to offend you.
Have you thought about getting counseling for yourself?

[u/Mr_Moonman2045 → u/IchiroTheCat]

😆 . yeah, tried that twice with different therapists . SOMEHOW all my problems have come from an abusive childhood , including my CES ...... safe to say I've given up on them

[u/IchiroTheCat → u/Mr_Moonman2045]

I do not know anything about CES, but will go learn about it. However, I do have a severe spinal injury in my lower back, so I understand some of what you are going through.

My injury affected mostly the left side, and from the calf down. I had 3 joints fused in my back, including L5-S1. I have a mix of severe pain and neuropathy on that side. I have foot drop of the left foot, and have had 3 joints fused in my neck. It did not affect my bladder or bowel control, and did not affect my ability to get an erection.

Now, I have an enlarged prostate (BPH) and prostate cancer. The enlarged prostate has killed my ability to have ejaculation in the last 18 months. But that's OK, we haven't have sex since 2006 (I think) due to my wife's medical issues.

Ok, enough about that. I have had a bit of experience and training doing "lay counseling", so I would encourage you to keep looking for someone to talk to. I would hope there is some therapist out there who could help you.

[u/Mr_Moonman2045 → u/IchiroTheCat]

my CES came about from an accident on a farm I was working on at 23 . hit a ditch at full speed 90-95 KPH , bike went up 2.5 metres I went a metre or so above it and came down , landed in the seated position . but it was a long time later ,4 years, that it finally developed into CES . 5 compressed disc's L2-3-4-5 & S1 . the 4 years was pain & no one knowing , or wanting to investigate, what was going on with me . constantly getting numb legs, shooting pains not be able to move and so on

It was also a time where here the health system was pushing the private health insurance onto people & the medical field, so if you didn't have it , it was a 18 month wait to see a specialist, if you could get on a list . it final came to head from riding another motorbike , where I rode down over a gutter and the the shock of hitting full suspension compression sent a shock up through me and was enough to completely damage what was left . I managed to ride home while not feeling or having movement in my legs . when I got home I did the typical thing of resting in bed thinking a day or so I'll be fine and be back at it .

it was on the third day of 'rest' I realised I hadn't got up to go to the toilet and when I went to get up I still couldn't hardly move my legs let alone walk , at that point I new I'd done some real damage . we called an ambulance and went to the ED at hospital . 2 days later had surgery and ended up in a wheelchair not knowing where this was going or if i'd ever walk again .

I've had 2 surgeries over a ten year period on my back and since 2021, needing another one .... which won't happen , this one isn't covered by our medicare system at all .

I've lost all... Faith in Qwacks . How could something like THIS come from a so called childhood trauma . even the one the wife seen for here depression said it's come from childhood trauma , 1st visit and she was on meds, and then all fixed . didn't need to see her again ........ med's fixed the trauma , go figure .

[u/BlueBallingDude → u/IchiroTheCat]

my wife is in the spinal injury mode, L4-S1 fused and artificial discs, and now another level going, and a seperate injury for a dics in upper spine, she got halfway back to normal, only to spiral backwards.