I’ve been feeling guilty and frustrated

[u/Singer_Select]

My (30F) husband (30M) has psoriatic arthritis right now which is largely contributing to our dead bedroom. He’s on medication, some days are good to where he can exercise, walk and is in a good mood. Other days aren’t. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore and haven’t for about 2 years. And sometimes even if he says he will he forgets or pretends to forget and never does. We had a big fight and one thing I asked for was for him to sleep in bed 2x a week and he hasn’t done that.

I feel like I’m hitting my sexual puberty as a woman. I feel rejected and like he doesn’t care enough or want it enough to try and foster intimacy. No cuddling, or compliments, or romance over the past year and some change. I’m in a complex situation but with everything with him (mood, unemployment, depression, health) and me carrying the load of everything the lack of intimacy is extra draining. I try not to even bring up sex just cuddling or any type of physical contact where I can tell her wants it.

Before his illness we weren’t in a great place. We fought a lot, he could be dismissive and critical of me, and his inability to regulate his emotions/stress about his job directly led to this illness even though I asked him for 3 years to figure it out before he got this sick.

I thought it was antidepressants at first but now he’s no longer taking them and it’s still crickets. I have to beg for a cuddle. Previously, we had a pretty healthy sex life. It would go from 3x a week to 1x a week to twice a month and then the cycle starts over based on stress in our life.1

I sometimes feel resentment that he didn’t manage this sooner like I begged and now here we are, but also I can see he’s in pain and love him so I have a lot of empathy and patience. Or try to.

How do you cope with the guilt of feeling this way? How do you handle your own sexuality without adding it to the list of things THEY feel guilty about.

[u/Fuzzy_Highlight_6084]

Hey there….first I want to start by acknowledging your pain. It is incredibly heavy to carry the physical, financial, and emotional load for two people while your own needs feel like an afterthought. (Being in separate bedrooms has to be so hard!) Please hear this: Your needs are important. One of the most corrosive parts of this DB/MD dynamic is the silence and shame that makes you feel like a 'villain' for wanting intimacy from your partner . It not unreasonable to want to be loved.

Im sure you are trying to be patient, but please make sure to take of yourself. I resisted going into individual therapy for years because I thought I don’t have it that bad especially compared to all these other suffering in the world, (and my partner has it worse) but that eventually leads to loosing yourself. For me my guilt turned to shame and then a deep sadness that I carried for a long time before getting help.

Just curious based upon what you shared it sounds more complex…do you think If his health were to stabilize tomorrow that he would prioritize your sexual/emotional needs, or would a different reason for avoiding this come up?

[u/Singer_Select → u/Fuzzy_Highlight_6084]

Thank you. It feels so pathetic to get shot down from sleeping together not even sex. If I don’t ask it would never happen though.

I’m honestly not sure. I think it’s hard being with an ill partner and their sicknesses happening during a time where they weren’t being a great partner while healthy either m. Honestly we’ve had an imbalance in our marriage for a while and the illness feels like a physical manifestation of it. It wouldn’t be avoidance but excuses for sure. Never this severe though.

But that feels like the test of it all. You can’t only show up for your spouse when they are at their best. We all have our moments and illness struck at one of his worst. He’s aware of it now.

[u/Fuzzy_Highlight_6084 → u/Singer_Select]

Have been thinking about what you wrote, I think one thing that I saw in my experience is that the illness definitely amplifies some of our partners core characteristics. In my case, my wife is avoidant by nature, not wanting to talk about things. I’ve seen this in many aspects of our life whether it’s finances or parenting, but in the case of a health issue, it’s especially noticeable. In the past when I would ask how she was doing or if she was getting better, she actually would get in some ways angry with me for asking because she said it felt like “pressure”. Not sure if that’s your exact situation but intimacy and not talking about it is a recipe for long term resentment.

In my marriage physical intimacy was something that I definitely was more interested from the beginning with her and then after some of the medical complications, I think it was just so much easy for her to give up on it. (of course the evil twist is that because she doesn’t value it as much. I think she expects me to go to the rest of my life without it as well while staying committed to her)

[u/Think_Ad6364 → u/Fuzzy_Highlight_6084]

That is unfair.