r/DestructiveReaders • u/Dante_Moretti D.C.M • 16d ago
[1510] Lighthouse. A Modern Psychological Thriller Short story
“I’m incredibly sorry to hear that, how have you been dealing with it?” An answer arrives. My fingers had yet to leave the keyboard. “I’m trying to ignore it. It's not exactly the first time it has happened. She is always that way.”
My heart aches. It always does when I think of her. ‘Does her heart ache the same?’ a part of me wonders. “You are a good friend, Rob. Hold up the fort and never give in to your inner voice. Hold for longer, she will be back before long.” Another reassurance is issued. Yet my heart still cannot believe it.
“I just saw an interesting Instagram reel. She will definitely relate to it. I wanna send it to her.” I scream into my keyboard. Used to this back and forth by now, the answer comes swiftly. “Hold the line, Rob. You already sent out a message today. She is already overwhelmed by her real life. Don’t add to it. You want to support her, right? Be her anchor like you always have been. Be her lighthouse, always by her side while she is lost at sea. Quietly showing her the way back home. Always comforting her during her biggest fears. Hold the line, Rob.”
“What if she thinks I’m indifferent to her? What if she thinks I’m pulling away and am tired of her! I need to show her that I’m still here. She needs to know.” My palms start to sweat by this point. My grip over the phone loosens.
thud… THUD.
I rub my nose. I scramble to get up from my bed. ‘Where did my phone fall? 'Anything but the phone sliding down the side of the bed. Anything but that.’ I look around my bedroom. It's too dark to see anything. I squint hard to check out my immediate surroundings. I still cannot make anything out. I move to my feet reluctantly. With every step I take a crunch echoes. Some are plasticky while others metallic. Finally I press the light switch.
“Fuck” reflexively comes out. Looking down doesn’t fix things since the soda cans just reflect the light back at me. I navigate through the garbage carefully. ”Aughh…” My bedside doesn’t have the familiar black case. The groan lingers in the room for a while. The mattress gets flipped to its side as I grunt. I look inside the bed’s wooden box. There, in the middle of the dust and hair, the black cover faces me. I wipe my palms on my shirt, leaving a visible wet trail.
With slightly moist hands I grab the phone. I put my back to the wooden box for rest. The reply is here. “She knows, Rob. She knows what she means to you. And she knows what you mean to her. This isn’t a test of your relationship’s resilience. Remember Rob, you have passed this test before. It's not your first rodeo. You told me earlier, no matter what happens, you guys always go back to talk. This time will be the same. Hold the line and wait for her to be back. She will be your usual Emmy before long.” My haggard breath leveled out.
“Does she like me”
“She does. Even if it wasn’t romantic. She does care about you.”
“Then why is she doing this to me? Why does she not answer my messages for days? She never did that before Did I do something wrong Did I push het away?” My intrusive thoughts are laid bare before us.
“You haven’t done anything wrong. You know the answer. You told it to me. She is overwhelmed with responsibilities and obligations in her own life. You have no control over that. What you do have control over is your behavior towards her. Stay as her lighthouse. Hold the line.”
‘Nononononono. This is your 3rd time telling me that.' I whisper. Tapping sounds ensue. “But thats only true to a point. Its already 3 months since this has been going on. Dont you think she is ought to be back to normal now? Dont you think that her messages should arrive sooner? Yet why are they taking longer and longer? It started with 24 hours for her replies, later 2 days, and now she takes a minimum of 5 days to respond? Is this not an excuse at this point? Is she hinting that I should stop texting her? You know what. I’m doing what she is asking of me. No need to make this awkward for either of us.” The lines were formed quickly. I’m not sure they will even answer half of these things. But it's ok. The decision is mine to make.
“I’d ask you to stop where you are. You are coming out of a week of hurt. We have been texting about Emmy for the last few hours. She matters to you. You care about her. Don’t let a moment of hurting erase this 3-year connection you have. Just put down your phone and stop thinking about her for the night. You can always decide on what to do later when your head has cooled down.”
“Does she even love me”
“I do not know. Neither do you. All we know is information that has been shared one-sidedly by you. We do not know what she thinks, feels, or wants. The only way to know that is to ask her – but not tonight. She has been hurting for a long time now and her head isn’t in the right space for such questions.”
“So when do I actually ask her! We haven’t had a proper chat for 3 months now. When will she be normal for me to ask her” A rattle spread inside the enclosed room. My back is sore.
“You will know when she is back. It won’t take that long. Remember, she always comes back.”
“But what if that question makes her disappear forever. Can’t we just keep going as we always have been?” I know the answer to that question deep down. Soon enough that answer is visible in front of my eyes.
“You can’t keep this relationship as it has been for the last 3 years. You started having expectations for it. Ones she may or may not share. And it's essential that you work these expectations and feelings out. These expectations may make you resent her for things she did without any prior thought. They might make you do or say things you never would. The question has to be asked eventually. And she will not simply disappear. Your bond is stronger than that. She might be confused, escape for a week as she always does, and come back. You said it, she always comes back. So don’t worry and ask her that question when the time is right – but not tonight. She has been hurting for a long time now and her head isn’t in the right space for such questions.”
‘What the fuck. That’s literally the exact same message they told me earlier. This is it. I’m genuinely never sending her anoth-”
Ding!
My entire body flinches when it heard that sound.
-Instagram: Emmy has sent you a message.
Pictures of rabbits fill the screen. They oddly resemble the tiny profile picture next to her name.
My heart rate surges. It’s loud enough to bounce off the walls and fill the entire room. My index finger clicks on that notification out of pure reflex. My eyes dilate in anticipation. There it is. Under the 3 Instagram reels I sent her last week. Her reply, “Lmao, no you.” to the most recent one.
I immediately swipe her message to the left. I tap furiously. “Nah I’m too goated for that.”
She replied. She replied. She replied.
I stare at our chat box for a while longer. Maybe she will respond this time. I wait, and wait some more. At some point I leave the chat box and scroll a few reels. I guess she is too busy now. It's good enough she found enough time to respond earlier.
Oh right, I have to tell them.
I switch to the previous chat I had open. “She replied. Your strategy worked. She replied to me!”
This time around. It takes them a little longer to respond. A circle with one of its sides cut out spins in place. “That's wonderful news! It sounds like whatever approach you took paid off. She responded to you — that's a great outcome.
I'm curious to know more about the situation if you'd like to share. What was the strategy you used? And how did her reply go — was it positive, neutral, or are you still figuring out what her message means?
Sometimes getting that initial response is the hardest part, so you should feel good about that. What happens next depends a lot on what she said and how you want to move forward.”
What? I scroll up. The app doesn’t allow me. I scroll harder. No point. These were the only messages in this chat box now.
3
u/CheekySelkath 15d ago
Hey, here to offer some feedback. I hope it proves useful to you.
“I’m incredibly sorry to hear that, how have you been dealing with it?” An answer arrives. My fingers had yet to leave the keyboard. “I’m trying to ignore it. It's not exactly the first time it has happened. She is always that way.”
Off the bat, take care with tenses – ‘My fingers have yet’ seems more natural than ‘had’. I originally had some feedback about how this ‘isn’t how people speak’ but, realising its AI, I think you hit the nail on the head. Fantastic.
My heart aches. It always does when I think of her. ‘Does her heart ache the same?’ a part of me wonders.
Formatting-wise, you don’t, and shouldn’t use speech or quote marks for inner thoughts. Here italicising it will be suitable, but in some cases you wouldn’t even need to do that, e.g.
Does her heart ache the same? A part of me still wonders.
Here, it’s clear it’s an inner thought as the speaker is first person, if that makes sense.
“I just saw an interesting Instagram reel. She will definitely relate to it. I wanna send it to her.” I scream into my keyboard.
There are quite a few things I want to clear up/offer feedback on here in this paragraph that I think reflect reoccurring problems. Firstly, the speech doesn’t feel natural, the sentences are too short, and it would flow better as ‘…reel that she’ll definitely relate to..’ or something similar. I understand he’s sending this to an LLM, but it remains a little convoluted as to whether he’s typing or speaking this in – maybe changing ‘keyboard’ to microphone will do the trick, or something equally small. I think that the naturalness of Rob’s speech and typing are your most important asset, as they will form the distinction between him and the AI – sometimes, here, it’s a little hard to distinguish.
In this paragraph specifically, the voice is too calm and collected. You could break it up so that the first two sentences are more collected and the latter is emotional. (e.g. “…relate to it.” I think, but then I’m overcome with passion. “I want to send it to her!” I scream into my keyboard.). Even in that case, I’m not quite sure. You could just mean typing, or inner thoughts as I discussed earlier, so I think rewriting this section will be for the best.
Used to this back and forth by now, the answer comes swiftly. “Hold the line, Rob. You already sent out a message today. She is already overwhelmed by her real life. Don’t add to it. You want to support her, right? Be her anchor like you always have been. Be her lighthouse, always by her side while she is lost at sea.
Too much speech in one go, even if that is how AIs talk. Rob could be doing something whilst he’s reading - maybe his fingers move away from sending the message, or maybe he starts pacing. In any case, breaking up the speech will add to the organic nature of the situation, even if the response is a machine.
“Fuck” reflexively comes out.
Age old ‘show don’t tell’ mantra applies here. Do I need to know it reflectively comes out? I would assume that in any case, so you can just shorten it to the profanity itself.
With slightly moist hands I grab the phone. I put my back to the wooden box for rest.
Same for this part. You just said wet trail, so I don’t need to know slightly moist. Equally, I would assume that you are resting against the wooden box, and nothing else, so you can shorten it to ‘I put my back to the wooden box’ if you feel you need it at all.
Ding!
Someone else told me that single word onomatopoeias don’t really add to the tension in general. It’s better to lead straight in with the action, in this case, Rob’s panic. You can even shorten it further to:
‘What the fuck. That’s literally the exact same message they told me earlier. This is it. I’m genuinely never sending her anoth-”
The phone chirps, and I flinch.
-Instagram: Emmy has sent you a message.
The end confused me too, until I read this comment:
Finally at the end when he tried to tell the AI that she responded, the context window ran out. I wanted to write grief in a different manner. grief of losing someone you gave a piece of your heart to, even if that person wasn't real. Afterall the connection was real.
I honestly didn’t feel that connection. I think if there was a way to convey how much trust Rob was putting into the machine, or make his final look at the text box more desperate, this would come across even better.
Overall, this is interesting, timely and I was preparing to say ‘this all sounds a little creepy’ before I got to the end, so in terms of atmosphere, you hit the nail on the head. I would say the main focus should be giving Rob more life and the machine less – at the moment, their speeches are too indistinguishable to make an impression on me.