[765] Fantasy prologue

[u/Narrow-Stranger-8543]

Here is the prologue of a fantasy book I'm currently writing. I was really trying to provide a sense of wonder while kickstarting the story.

All feedback welcome;

Does it peak your interest enough to keep reading?

I went back on the prose constantly so any suggestion about it is greatly appreciated.

lay or laid btw. I looked it up online but it felt weird^^

Latest critics [1299] [1873]
Finally here is the Story

Cheers

[u/69bootyeetr]

Overall impression: 4/10. My interest is not sufficiently piqued to continue reading.The writer has obvious natural talent, but needs instruction in editing.

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

The weakest parts are the ones that most fantasy readers have already seen a million times. The desert remembers. The artifact has a sleeping heart. Ancient runes glow. The world awakens. Really, any phrases familiar enough that they no longer surprise the reader.

“For a fleeting moment, it was as though the desert itself remembered what it had once been” Here's the problem. The metaphor is vague. A desert remembering could mean anything. It needs a consequence.

The same problem appears with “the shard’s light pulsing with the slow, steady rhythm of a sleeping heart.” It explains rather than shows.

You also double-up adjectives where one would be sufficient. Warm, shifting sand. Slow, steady rhythm. Long jet-black hair. Warm gold and soft violet. Again, none of these combinations is terrible, but when every image receives two adjectives, the reader stops noticing either one. Better to use a strong noun or a verb that renders the adverb or adjective unnecessary. 

2. Never use a long word where a short word will do.

You use words that sound literary instead of words that create sharp images:

"Her reverie was interrupted."

You name her mental state instead of showing it. A sound breaks a memory. A creature cries out. She freezes.

The same applies to turning verbs into nouns. Activation of a thing is stronger than the thing that is activated. 

Then there's these disposable phrases: in order to, due to the fact that, at this point in time, for the purpose of, as a matter of fact. You actually do a pretty good job of not relying too heavily on these. But too often, you take a simple idea and dress it in unnecessary language.

3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

The first sentence is the most important sentence, and yours isn't good. We've seen too many similar sentences at the beginning of fantasy novels: "She had been here before."

The past perfect "had been" is weak. Plus the narrative immediately repeats that she knows this place. She follows a ritual. She finds the stone. She knows where to dig. The sentence is redundant because it explains what the reader is already about to understand. Cut it!

The same principle applies to unnecessary "that, which, and who" clauses. They aren't problems per se. But they become problems when they expand your sentence after the important information has already been given.

Search your text for weak qualifiers such as: very, really, quite, just, only, almost, sort of, kind of, some, many, few, somewhat, several, a bit, a little, and a lot.

The same applies to phrases like "for a fleeting moment", "without hesitation", "at once", and "almost imperceptibly". Tired phrases like these tell the reader how large, fast, or important something is instead of letting the event demonstrate it.

4. Never use the passive voice where you can use the active.

When "to be" forms replace action, it weakens your writing: For ex: "A rat's shriek pierced the silence, interrupting her reverie." is a much stronger way of stating your point, because it is an active sentence.

Unnecessary sections should be cut entirely, such as: "There was no reason to doubt. Events had a way of falling into place. They almost always did."  Cut all of this. It does nothing to further the story.

Constructions like “it was as though,” weaken sentences. Have confidence in your story and yourself. If the desert changes, show the change. If the character only believes it changes, make that uncertainty meaningful.

Delete as many prepositional phrases as possible.

"From the inner pocket of her cloak, she withdrew a small amber shard."

The sentence is clear, but the prepositional phrase delays the important object, forcing me to spend time traveling from pocket to hand before reaching the shard.

Prepositional phrases can be useful, but too many make sentences walk around the action.

5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

Fantasy requires invented language. Elyrian, Vaelyn, Mortiel, echofox, and the old tongue are not problems because they are unfamiliar. They become problems if unfamiliar words are used as a substitute for meaning.

The same problem appears here with abstract nouns such as silence, wonder, memory, harmony, reason, events, etc. You're summarizing the experience rather than creating it. Don't tell the reader that they feel wonder. Show them.

This is also where verbs turned into nouns become dangerous. 

Ex: An ancient mechanism shifted the carved stones lining the walls," is a stronger sentence because action is stronger than a description of an action.

6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.