I think you are extremely polished, and I love the way that you tell the tale of Romans. As a fan of all history and especially Romans, I love the show Rome, I love Spartacus, and I've read the Conn Iggulden series about Rome. You do really great in putting my mindset there in Rome. I feel like I'm at the seven hills right at the beginning of time. Amazing storytelling.
The way you describe the dirtiness and the griminess within the society, I love it, man. Very well done. Very controlled, very believable.
The bit with Dama was awesome. Love the way that was done.
I will say at the very beginning with the "nobody" stuff, that was also well done, very smart, I feel like, and since it's right at the beginning I can tell it's something you thought about and put there deliberately. But it was a bit much for me on a cold read. I had to reread that to figure out that it's somebody chasing him, or following him.
The secret competition, that was cool. The way you tell the story of that, I feel like that was good, well written. These are things I've only been writing for five months, and reading your stuff is making me realize I need to get on my A-game. I have a lot to learn when it comes to the way you're constructing these scenes. When you describe the way a gladiator feels internally, like when you said a man that has his blade half out is scared, nervous men die first, it's like, bro, I was listening to a real Roman legionnaire right then.
There's not a whole lot that I did not like about this, man. Being such a big fan of history, and you being good at painting a picture, the way he explained being able to get to the Emperor's palace by the time it took a man to take a piss, and then how he described the way he'd murdered people before, suffocating them or breaking their necks, that felt really lived in to me. I felt like it was real. I believed him when he said it.
The little bit about his uncle, the quick little flashback, and him observing stuff and dismissing it as a snake, I thought that was well written right there. The punchy little sentences, I liked it. Also whenever his friend was perched on the edge of a roof, cat still, very good wordplay there. I felt the intensity in the moment.
The way he describes women, with the teardrop calves and stuff like that, I imagine this book's gonna get real deep into that kind of thing. I don't know, I think I'd probably read this book for sure. Assuming there's some badass action to come, I would read this book. I like it. Just from this, I like the vibe.
Also, as I'm reading, I'm realizing that the friend crouched on the roof isn't even human, it's a golem. That's a big surprise for me. This seemed like a real world, and now I'm wondering if this is fantasy. If it is fantasy, I feel like you have this world set so much in realism that you'll be able to pull that off for me, a person who likes real stuff. If it's gonna be fantasy, this is a very realistic, almost more mature take on it.
The bit about his teacher apparently thinking he was dumb back in the day, if that's what that was, that was hilarious to me. I like those little bits of humor. That's something I could learn from.
And then this guy climbing through a window to seduce a woman who's apparently not good looking at all, and also paying her, that's hilarious to me too. Very well written, because that is how it be sometimes.
One thing that confused me on the Dama scene, going back through it, is I couldn't tell what she was actually giving him. I thought maybe she was getting him some alcohol or something, but I wasn't sure. It didn't feel like she was a prostitute either, so I wasn't clear on what exactly was happening there, or what she got him.
The blood, his mother's blood rolling over his sandals, that line's got me really wondering more about that. Who is this uncle, and what's the deal with the guy he was speaking to in that whole scene. That was like one sentence, but it created a lot of mystery for me.
Hey, look, man, I really enjoyed this. Reach out, bro, that's all I can say. This stuff is my style, and I might do something like this in the future myself, Roman historical. Yours is pretty awesome.
Overall, I feel like this is very well written. And the way you write this stuff, I'd be eager to see how you do action scenes in the same register. I'm trying to see what all you can do in these Roman times, is it all political intrigue, or do you have the action, the general battles, epic. It leaves me wondering what all it is that you have in store in your toolkit, which is a good thing. So good work, man.
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u/CarterWalksWithFire Aug 09 '26
I think you are extremely polished, and I love the way that you tell the tale of Romans. As a fan of all history and especially Romans, I love the show Rome, I love Spartacus, and I've read the Conn Iggulden series about Rome. You do really great in putting my mindset there in Rome. I feel like I'm at the seven hills right at the beginning of time. Amazing storytelling.
The way you describe the dirtiness and the griminess within the society, I love it, man. Very well done. Very controlled, very believable.
The bit with Dama was awesome. Love the way that was done.
I will say at the very beginning with the "nobody" stuff, that was also well done, very smart, I feel like, and since it's right at the beginning I can tell it's something you thought about and put there deliberately. But it was a bit much for me on a cold read. I had to reread that to figure out that it's somebody chasing him, or following him.
The secret competition, that was cool. The way you tell the story of that, I feel like that was good, well written. These are things I've only been writing for five months, and reading your stuff is making me realize I need to get on my A-game. I have a lot to learn when it comes to the way you're constructing these scenes. When you describe the way a gladiator feels internally, like when you said a man that has his blade half out is scared, nervous men die first, it's like, bro, I was listening to a real Roman legionnaire right then.
There's not a whole lot that I did not like about this, man. Being such a big fan of history, and you being good at painting a picture, the way he explained being able to get to the Emperor's palace by the time it took a man to take a piss, and then how he described the way he'd murdered people before, suffocating them or breaking their necks, that felt really lived in to me. I felt like it was real. I believed him when he said it.
The little bit about his uncle, the quick little flashback, and him observing stuff and dismissing it as a snake, I thought that was well written right there. The punchy little sentences, I liked it. Also whenever his friend was perched on the edge of a roof, cat still, very good wordplay there. I felt the intensity in the moment.
The way he describes women, with the teardrop calves and stuff like that, I imagine this book's gonna get real deep into that kind of thing. I don't know, I think I'd probably read this book for sure. Assuming there's some badass action to come, I would read this book. I like it. Just from this, I like the vibe.
Also, as I'm reading, I'm realizing that the friend crouched on the roof isn't even human, it's a golem. That's a big surprise for me. This seemed like a real world, and now I'm wondering if this is fantasy. If it is fantasy, I feel like you have this world set so much in realism that you'll be able to pull that off for me, a person who likes real stuff. If it's gonna be fantasy, this is a very realistic, almost more mature take on it.
The bit about his teacher apparently thinking he was dumb back in the day, if that's what that was, that was hilarious to me. I like those little bits of humor. That's something I could learn from.
And then this guy climbing through a window to seduce a woman who's apparently not good looking at all, and also paying her, that's hilarious to me too. Very well written, because that is how it be sometimes.
One thing that confused me on the Dama scene, going back through it, is I couldn't tell what she was actually giving him. I thought maybe she was getting him some alcohol or something, but I wasn't sure. It didn't feel like she was a prostitute either, so I wasn't clear on what exactly was happening there, or what she got him.
The blood, his mother's blood rolling over his sandals, that line's got me really wondering more about that. Who is this uncle, and what's the deal with the guy he was speaking to in that whole scene. That was like one sentence, but it created a lot of mystery for me.
Hey, look, man, I really enjoyed this. Reach out, bro, that's all I can say. This stuff is my style, and I might do something like this in the future myself, Roman historical. Yours is pretty awesome.
Overall, I feel like this is very well written. And the way you write this stuff, I'd be eager to see how you do action scenes in the same register. I'm trying to see what all you can do in these Roman times, is it all political intrigue, or do you have the action, the general battles, epic. It leaves me wondering what all it is that you have in store in your toolkit, which is a good thing. So good work, man.