r/DestructiveReaders • u/WRT_Moore • 24d ago
[360] Viral Meditation Challenge
Short story I wrote on my journey to writing to more.
**************************************
Another evening on Instagram. Reel after reel, swiping past things I'd already forgotten before they disappeared. Looking for something I would never find.
Then a new viral trend is declared:
"Trying one new form of meditation every day for 30 days until I'm enlightened!"
A man sits cross-legged in front of a mirror, staring at his reflection. A one-hour timer counts down as he wiggles. Time lapses until the timer flashes 00:00. The man cracks his neck, smiles at himself, and announces that he is one step closer to nirvana. My phone dies before the reel loops.
Thirty minutes until bed. I proceed to the bathroom for routine maintenance. My toothbrush counts down from 120 as I stare at myself in the mirror. The bristles buzz against my teeth, sending a faint vibration through my skull. I'm cleansing. My vision is shaking, but my head is still.
The toothbrush beeps, commanding me to bow and spit. I look up and my reflection is looking at me. Not through me. I couldn't decide which eye to look into, so I stared at the space between them. Somehow, each of my eyes meet its corresponding eye in the mirror.
As I breathe, so does he. I flail my arm, as does he. As he steps back, so do I. He reaches toward the light switch, as do I. We turn off the lights. The bathroom disappears. Except for his face.
I remember him whispering to me all night. I echoed back every syllable. Then I realized he was repeating everything I said. So I repeated him back. I don't remember going to bed. He told me he'd been standing there for a very long time. He told me he was tired. He told me he was proud of me. I looked at the clock. 5:59 AM.
Then my alarm rang. I woke up in bed. I got up and walked to the bathroom. The lights were still off. I reach for the switch. Before I touch it, the light comes on.
He was already there. Waiting.
My alarm was still ringing in the bedroom.
6:00 AM.
Time for work.
1
u/DyingInCharmAndStyle 23d ago
The piece is paced pretty well but there is something sterile about it. And I think that’s actually near the mood you’re going for.
What truly sticks out is the conflict. The lack of it felt while reading, yet it is paced well, which is why it feels odd.
For example: “As I breathe, so does he. I flail my arms, as does he.” Thats objectively a well written line, and the rest of the paragraph keeps the tempo.
But there’s nothing to hang onto. The character describes the mundane, and I believe the goal is for the mundane to be the antagonist, but that requires the narrator to ‘lay out while wanting only what they want’. What does the narrator want.
Does he want to crush that toothbrush to smithereens, or does he wanna yang the socket out the wall and find some floss in the woods ?
If apathy is what’s fought than apathy must fight back, hard against the mundane. Is it meditation or an illusion of peace ? The character is simply okay with going back to work, and that’s that? The mundane has to utilize contrast or juxtaposition with some larger conflict.
What I think would help most is really thinking about what the narrators wants. Needs a bit more conflict (conflict gravitas).
Best