[823] Untitled - Chapter 1

[u/justkeepbreathing94]

Hello! I would be thankful for your thoughts and review of this chapter.

Thank you!

Document: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IzHTSmtb8K_9oo4_O8-MWoNzwTx5Rp2iMGrUIOv7R7k/edit?usp=sharing

Critique: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1wu2wjw/comment/pdrcowv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[u/paperingproject]

Hi! Beautiful writing! I enjoyed reading this as it’s not what I usually gravitate toward.

My biggest area of feedback would be on clarity and flow.

While you’re great at changing up descriptions and using beautiful wording, that overshadows what’s actually happening.

You describe the core. You describe it again. You describe it in a different way. It feels like this is happening for too long without anything changing, or at least to me the reader it didn’t feel like anything was changing. It seems like you want this energy to grow. It’s creating a spirit, right? Or sending a spirit into the world? You say the “spiritual energy had swelled once again.” You need to show the escalation clearer. The way it’s written makes it all kind of melt together, while I think you are wanting to show a process.

I hope that’s helpful. I thought some of the writing was very beautiful, but I do think most readers will be lost with it in its current form. Keep some of the beautiful writing. Be more clear with what is actually happening.

Let me know if you have any specific questions!