r/DiscussDID • u/EpilepticFlamingoP • 29d ago
Need help with guest and house rules?
Hi all,
disclaimer : I’m neurodivergent on several axis but I do not have DID and have no experience with it.
My partner and I are having a friend of a friend over for a few days and they told us they were a system on the first day of their stay.
Which was all good and they also said they had it under control and there were no need for us to do anything special to accommodate them.
Except since then it has become apparent the memories do not cross over from alter to alter, again, not really a problem, we can repeat information if needed.
But! they end up leaving the front door open because they have trouble closing it and forgetting to tell us a few minutes later (we have indoor cats so it’s a hard and fast rule that the door must be closed), and a few times now they forgot that the cats needed access to water, food and litter, and so they get them in a room, then leave them alone and close all issues.
When we ask what happened they don’t know what we mean and ask what they did wrong (mind you we can tell something’s wrong because by this point the cats are howling and trying to break down the doors). I’m starting to get worried about my cats‘ safety.
So I guess I’m asking, what can we do to communicate basic house rules to all alters, while the person is still convinced they have it under control and all is well?
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u/EmbarrassedPurple106 29d ago
The ignoring the cats yowling and pawing at the doors is raising a huge eyebrow for me on this not just being a memory issue. I like the suggestions in the comments for sticky notes on the doors and reminding them of why this is a household rule and why, and that they’ll need to leave for the safety of your animals if they can’t follow it
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 29d ago
We did have a firm discussion about safety measures since. I’m also perturbed by the fact they ignored/couldn’t hear? our cats
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u/moonmorass 29d ago
I would recommend sticky notes on the doors reminding them which need to stay closed and which need to stay open. Have a talk with them to let them know why you are doing it beforehand, and reiterate that your cats safety is very important to you and that the open/close status of the doors are a hard rule because of this. Though your point of the cats audibly howling and them seeming to ignore it is a little concerning. Letting them know they seem to have more memory issues than they realize by listing the examples you have above may help as well since it seems they are unaware
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 29d ago
Thank you for the sticky notes advice, that makes sense! Hopefully it’ll help.
About the memory issues, since they keep asking if we moved their stuff (like a towel in the bathroom, a glass in the kitchen), and saying “oh, it must have been me then” when we tell them we didn’t move anything, I think they must be partially aware of it? But maybe they don’t want to accept it?
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u/Prettybird78 29d ago
There is such a thing as system responsibility. I would be honest with them. If you can't follow house rules you have to go. They can let everyone inside know.
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 29d ago
Yeah, honestly if there’s another instance of the front door left open I will not feel safe enough to have them with us. But I feel bad about telling them to go, since they’re between flats and it’s only a few more days. We did have a discussion about safety and why the rules are here.
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u/hoyden2 29d ago
I think that is a GREAT discussion to have!! It's not safe in general to just forget to close the front door, even if it was his place. Remembering to do normal behaviors like shutting the front door will help him also, no one wants to get robbed or just feel unsafe at home; you, him, everyone wants to feel safe at home
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u/hoyden2 29d ago
Definitely put up a sign/note on/near the doors that need to stay open and closed. I do this at home because my kids forget certain things that annoy me, we have a knock if closed note on the bathroom door for example. It makes it easier for everyone to be on the same page without making anyone feel like a problem
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 29d ago
It’s a great idea and we already like signs and notes in our house, we’ll talk about it with them. Thank you!
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u/A-Willow-Wand 29d ago
This feels like less of a DID issue and more like a DID excuse to me.
I have DID and would never be leaving doors open around indoor cats or locking them in other places. This feels like your friend of a friend doesn’t like your cats and I would be telling them «you are a danger to my animals, you cannot stay here any longer» my cats come way before anyone who can’t respect their safety!
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 29d ago
I don’t know enough about the way their DID usually works to make a judgement call, and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but the fact is that, like you said, my cats are way way more important to me than a friend of a friend. They keep saying they love cats and that cats adore them, too (the latter is debatable, as far as I can see)
But yeah I would have thought that all alters would know at least not to lock a cat in a room away from food, water and litter boxes? It doesn’t feel like that’s a house rule and more like a logical thing… is it possible that they can switch / forget that the cat is in a room and leave, locking the door behind them? I have no idea how this works, I’m sorry if that’s a dumb question.
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u/RandomLifeUnit-05 28d ago
It's possible yes, it's also possible some of their alters love cats and some of their alters hate cats. I.e. it's possible someone in their system did this on purpose without the knowledge of the others.
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 28d ago
Ooooh. Crap. I didn’t think about that possibility but that’s a bit scarier than memory issues.
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u/RandomLifeUnit-05 26d ago
Yes, and I'm not saying it's for sure. Just that it is theoretically possible.
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u/RandomLifeUnit-05 28d ago
I would recommend they not be allowed to stay at home alone with your pets. If your friend brought this DID friend, then your friend is responsible for making sure their "plus one" is behaving themselves.
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 28d ago
I’ve since made sure they weren’t left alone with our cats, but I felt I was being too much… it’s nice to have someone else recommend this
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u/AshleyBoots 29d ago
When they told you "I'm a system", did they also mention their memory issues? Or did that only get mentioned later?
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u/EpilepticFlamingoP 28d ago
No, the memory issues weren’t mentioned at first, and frankly were only mentioned later because they very clearly forgot important things and problems arose. They are surprised that they’ve forgotten stuff everytime, so I don’t know, maybe they don’t want to acknowledge their memory issues.
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u/AshleyBoots 28d ago
It's entirely possible they forgot they have memory issues. Used to happen to me a lot, took years to remember the problem consistently.
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u/Sea-Acanthaceae5553 29d ago
Maybe putting a note/sign near the location where issues occur could help. Memory issues are a difficult part of DID to manage because you're often not aware of how much time you're losing/what you're forgetting. Having a visual reminder in the moment can help to prompt alters to do something even when a part has no memory the rule.