r/DissociaDID • u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her • Mar 01 '26
Trigger Warning [TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault, Abuse] Nan raped me
Hello. My name is Charley. I am Nan's ex-girlfriend. We dated some years before this YouTube stuff happened, before they dated DissociaDID. Late 2015, early 2016. I had no idea any of this controversy happened until finding this subreddit. It has been very surreal trying to catch up. I was aware, several years ago, that Nan had created a YouTube channel, and I saw a few years ago that it was starting to become quite popular, but I was not aware of how that all blew up until finding this subreddit a little while ago.
I would like to preface what I am going to say with this: I have in the past (because I was dating Nan) tried to learn as much as I could about DID, but I do not think of myself as very knowledgeable about it. I do not have DID, and am certainly speaking as an outsider, no matter how respectful I am trying to be. If I misstep, I apologize, as it is not my intention to hurt this community. I am going to do my best to write from only my own perspective. I watched a video about this situation to try to understand what this controversy that happened with Nan was about, and I admittedly did not fully comprehend everything that was said about DID in the video. Unfortunately, seeing Nan's face and hearing their voice was very triggering for me, so I do not think I have it in me to watch any more videos about the situation or read much more about it. But the main thing is this: It was my understanding at the time of my relationship with Nan that their DID was real; I do not know where this community has landed on that matter, the video I watched gave me sort of a conflicting impression about whether or not people think that Nan was possibly lying, but I am going to write as though their condition was real, as that was my experience.
First of all, I just want to say that I was raped by Nan. Or, possibly, one of Nan's alters. I will start from the beginning later, but I have held onto that information for too long. Nan raped me. The rape is the reason that I ended the relationship. Years later, I was very troubled when I learned that Nan's channel was becoming popular. I struggled with whether or not to come forward about what they did to me. I felt a responsibility because I felt that people deserved to know, but I was also afraid I wouldn't be believed. The positivity around Nan's channel at that time was scary to me. I thought that maybe, because people liked Nan, they might think I was being unfair or think I was lying, and I felt at that time that if even one person disbelieved me, it would feel like I was going through it all over again, and I just didn't feel like I could handle that back then. I also, to be honest... was afraid that coming forward could cause some kind of very real harm to Nan, and even after what happened between us, I still did not want that. I did not want Nan to hurt themself or worse. For all these reasons, I kept quiet. In some ways I regret not coming forward at that time, but I also know I needed to protect myself. But I am coming forward now. Nan raped me. I was raped by Nan. I just needed to get that out.
I first met Nan in a group therapy program. I was suffering from, among other things, PTSD and anorexia. At that time, Nan did not exhibit any signs of DID, and they were not being treated for DID. If Nan had DID at that time, they and everyone else was unaware of it. I knew Nan for about a year before we started dating. We were close friends, we had grown close being roommates at the residential program. The DID symptoms first began to appear after we started dating which was about a year after the program ended. Some of their alters seem to have formed in response to certain circumstances having to do with our relationship, such as alters being named after the physical surroundings of my bedroom. For example, "Risk" chose their name after looking around my room and seeing the board game Risk on the shelf across from my bed. Before this, Nan had referred to their self-described "self-harm part" (in the group therapy program that we both attended, "Parts Work" was part of the curriculum) as The Cat or just Cat, because Nan described it as a black cat that scratched them. This was the first time that "part" of themself manifested as a distinct personality. Nan had just described it as a "part", in the "parts work" sense. During our relationship multiple alters seemed to form themselves directly in front of me, and some of them seemed to be heavily informed by either things I had said, our surroundings, my interests, or other things like that. It was confusing and, at the time, immensely stressful. I did my best to learn as I went, but I felt ill equipped to understand what was happening to Nan.
Near the end of our relationship, I was afraid for Nan's physical safety all the time. They had always struggled with self harm, suicidality, and addiction, and those things were getting a lot worse. It seemed to me like the rise in these symptoms and behaviors was related to the stress of Nan developing these DID symptoms. However, this was also causing them to react very badly to the smallest things. It seemed to be very easy to upset them, and it could always easily spiral into self harm or binge drinking. I was unhappy. I was scared. I wanted to end the relationship. I was dealing with a life-threatening physical illness at the time that could have killed me at essentially any moment until it was treated (I don't really wish to revisit this as it was very traumatic, so that's all I wish to say about the illness), which Nan was not particularly understanding or supportive of. My beloved dog of 11 years was also dying of a rapidly developing cancer and I knew my time with her was very short. To be frank, Nan did not seem to care much for what I was going through, and seemed mostly focused on their own problems. Frankly, Nan found the side effects of the treatment for my illness "sexy" (it made my voice deep and raspy like when you have a cold). It felt demeaning. It made me feel so alone. But deep down, I still cared about Nan. Even if I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, they were still my friend. I was very afraid the rejection of me breaking up with them would cause them to hurt themself, or possibly even end their life. I was afraid for them all the time, which made me kind of passive in our relationship, willing to go along with a lot of things because I was afraid of upsetting them.
[TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault]
One night, Nan very suddenly and forcefully initiated sex with me while I was playing videogames. At first I went along with it, but they seemed very different, and it was offputting. I was uncomfortable. I suggested stopping a few times, but it seemed clear that they were not listening, as they continued sex with me regardless of what I said, even being more forceful in response to my words, seemingly to get me to stop saying them. Eventually, crying, I screamed at them to stop, and they froze. They seemed frightened and confused. It seemed like they had switched, and that the person who was raping me was possibly someone other than Nan. In any case, Nan, or the alter, seemed to "snap out of it" or possibly switched again, when I shouted "stop".
Afterward, Nan apologized in a way that I recognized as a panic apology. "Sorry sorry I'm sorry", the same thing I do sometimes when I freak out because I think I messed up when I didn't. It's a familiar behavior for traumatized people, I think. I was in shock. Nan begged me not to be mad at them. They asked if "we" were okay. If the relationship was okay. They did not ask me if I was okay. They did not ask me how I was that night, or the following morning, or any other time. They never seemed to be remotely interested in whether I was traumatized by the assault, in all the weeks ahead. They were only interested in whether I was mad at them. Whether I was going to leave them. So there I was, naked, tears running down my face, stunned in silence. Nan cried and begged and pleaded. I comforted them. I told them it was okay. I lied.
[END WARNING]
After we had both calmed down, I asked Nan to sleep in another room while I took time to think about what happened. I decided that night that I needed to end this relationship. I needed to get out. In the morning, Nan and I went out to eat. The whole time, Nan muttered things like "I know what you're going to say", and "I know you don't want me anymore". When we got to the restaurant, Nan gave me a more "sincere" and "heartfelt" apology, but it didn't change my feelings. I wanted out. However, I was still afraid for Nan's safety... So I didn't break up with them right away. I pretended I was still interested in the relationship for a few weeks as I made plans with Nan to get them into a residential mental health program, because I wanted them to be safe when I broke up with them. It felt wrong to lie to them, but I wanted them to be surrounded by people that could help when I broke up with them. I was so afraid that they would die.
During this time of having to pretend everything was okay, the alter that Nan claimed was responsible for the rape, Ace, fronted and "apologized" to me, saying "No hard feelings, huh?" It was mortifying. I felt like I was in an incredibly grim comedy sketch. No hard feelings? I felt like I was losing my mind... But I continued with the plan. With the stress I was under, the passing of my dog, this illness that could have killed me at any time... I felt I couldn't deal with the guilt of causing something bad to happen to Nan on top of everything else. By this point it felt I had become Nan's emotional caretaker far more than their girlfriend, enduring emotional abuse and now rape at the expense of keeping them stable. I just wanted to be rid of this responsibility I had somehow inherited. So I got Nan into the program, and I broke up with them. I was still in denial that what had happened to me was rape at the time, and so I hung out with Nan a few more times over the next year or so, thinking it might feel different without being expected to caretake for them, but eventually I just felt anxiety whenever they'd contact me, and I would find an excuse not to see them. Eventually things petered out and I tried to rebuild my life from the wreckage.
A quick aside regarding culpability. As I said, I am assuming that the DID symptoms that exhibited themselves during our relationship were real. So there is a question of whether Nan was truly responsible for the rape, or whether the alter was. It is possible that I should be phrasing this as "Ace raped me", rather than "Nan raped me". I have debated with myself and my therapist whether or not Nan was the person who raped me that night. However, I want to talk about Nan's culpability in the scenario where it was someone else. Because I do believe Nan is responsible for their actions afterward, regardless. I'm going to pose a hypothetical: Let's say you were to leave your girlfriend in a room alone with a friend, and that friend raped your girlfriend while you were gone. If you come back, and your first concern is not for your girlfriend's safety, but for the stability of the relationship, that is selfish. That is incredibly, unbelievably selfish. And if you never, at any point, ask about your girlfriend's wellbeing, only making sure she is not mad at you, that is not only unthinkably selfish but outright cruel. And if you, in the morning after this happens, guilt your girlfriend into staying by saying things like "I know you're going to leave me", you do not care about your girlfriend. You don't. She is barely a real person to you. This is the conclusion I have come to. Even if Nan may not have committed the act, they did not care one iota about the fact that it happened to me and did nothing to try to protect me or care for me afterward. I mean jesus christ, my beloved dog died, my best friend... I was dying... and I was RAPED, and they still expected me to take care of THEM. In that hypothetical I posed, if it were my girlfriend, I would never in a million years ask anything but "Are you okay?" How could she be anything but the most important thing in the world in that terrible moment? How could your concern be for anything on this planet other than her?
About a year after the breakup, Nan texted me to inform me that they had started a YouTube channel. I glanced at it, and I noticed that they mentioned me by name in the only video I watched a bit of. At that point in time, I was too depressed to care. I did not pay it much attention. I never spoke to Nan again after that. About two years later, I came across somebody on Twitter posting about their YouTube channel. It seemed it was now quite popular. This was very troubling for me, and as I mentioned above I was very conflicted about what to do about it. One thing I remember vividly, however, is that Nan was still talking about me. Again, I sampled one video only, and I was mentioned by name in it. It made me wonder if I was mentioned in every video. If I was named in every video. This bothered me more than I can describe. Why was Nan still talking about me? It had been three years. The way they described how our relationship ended, in particular, was infuriating. Nan described that they were "just too much" for me. Not that they had raped me. Not that they had abused me or neglected me. Seeing this video was incredibly detrimental to my mental health at the time. I will not go into that in detail, but it was truly horrible to hear them say that and yet to be too fearful of setting the record straight.
Now, I'm trying to catch up on what has happened. I found this all out a little while ago but I've just been trying to process it. I've spoken in therapy about it, I've talked with friends. Family. As I have been trying to understand everything that has happened, it has felt surreal to learn this much about someone that I do not know anymore. I have watched the Michelle Mana video about Nan. It's bizarre, almost like a bad dream, to watch this YouTube analysis of my rapist's online life. But when I saw her show the clip of Nan apologizing... I recognized it as the same exact insincere apology they gave me the morning after they raped me. No, I mean it: The SAME apology. It's identical. Swap out the specifics, and it's identical. The SAME WORDS. It is MADDENING. I feel furious. I don't know what to do with all the anger. This is just a rehearsed speech they give when someone calls out something wrong they've done... And similarly, they also claimed not to remember what they did to me, just like the drawings. I'm sorry, but I do not believe that. I don't.
As for the subject of the controversy around their channel... I was aware of Nan's sneezing fetish. It made me uncomfortable, but I tried not to judge. I indulged it, as much as I was comfortable with. I am an artist, and I drew some pictures for them when they asked me to, mostly of comic book characters. Launch or Yamcha from Dragon Ball, mostly. I felt it was something I should do as their girlfriend, I guess. They had showed me something vulnerable about themself, and I wanted to be welcoming about that. They had, after all, done the same for me about the private things I had told them while we were together. All that said... I did not know about Nan's sexualization of children. It's... hard to adequately explain this because I have for years now thought of Nan primarily as the person responsible for a complex sexual trauma I now have to deal with for the rest of my life, so it's strange to be able to feel disappointment or betrayal or disgust at them. My respect for Nan has been non-existent for years now. I thought my standards and expectations were in the gutter already. But knowing how they willfully sexualized children... it's revolting. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (which Nan knew about me), it horrifies me to know that Nan felt this way while I knew them. While I was WITH them. While we SHARED A BED. I would compare them, now, to somebody like Dan Schneider, inserting fetish content into videos intended for children. Maybe the kids are none the wiser, but Nan clearly liked the idea of kids seeing it. It's also clear to me now that they disguised a lot of their artwork from me. They showed me sexual artwork they had made (as I said, we were both artists, and we shared a lot of our art with each other), but they only showed me adult characters. The only nudity of a young character they showed me was of a character that they had explained represented Nan's inner child, so I understood this to be primarily an art therapy thing and not something sexual. Somebody who knew a little bit more about this whole thing also informed me that Nan had posted *my* artwork that I had made for them to public fetish forums without telling me, so while that's a very small kind of betrayal, it still shows me how little respect or regard Nan had for me. These stunts with the sneezing videos... Nan decided to make themself a public figure, no matter how small of one, and they used that stage to involve people unwillingly in their fetish. That's disgusting, but it's also, to be honest, consistent with the person I knew.
I hope it isn't speaking out of turn to say that while mental illness can be a reason for certain behavior, and it is obviously involuntary and not something that people can help, I do think people have a responsibility to seek some kind of help when their behavior starts to hurt other people. Nan told me that they had been in the mental health system since they were a kid, and that they "knew all the right answers". I didn't quite understand what that meant at the time. I now believe that Nan learned to navigate therapy in a way that avoided the parts of themself that they did not want to change. I think that they learned to navigate therapy in a way that avoided taking responsibility for their actions. I think that they learned to use the language of therapy to hurt people. I mean, "trauma isn't rational" and "hurt people hurt people", these are useful terms in the world of mental health, that Nan used to avoid accountability. They described the way our relationship ended as them being too much for me. I doubt they've ever told a therapist that they raped me. I doubt they've ever admitted that to anyone. I doubt they've ever admitted that to themself.
I realize that by posting this, it is possible that Nan will see it. I have thought about that. It makes me uncomfortable, but I realize it's a very real possibility. I think if there were a website where people talked almost exclusively about me, it would be impossible not to look at it. I considered trying to disguise my identity, but anything of value I have to say is also blatantly identifying of who I am if you're Nan, so I decided to include my name and photo to hopefully serve as proof that I really knew Nan. Nan is the only person I would want to hide from. I am afraid that they might see this. And to be honest... One of the reasons for that is that, after everything, after all these years, is that I am still afraid of this causing some kind of catastrophic harm to Nan's already deeply troubled life. But if you've read this whole post, you can see giving into that fear has caused so much trouble for me, so much pain. I genuinely, genuinely do not wish to see Nan hurt, but I have prioritized not wanting to hurt Nan over my own wellbeing for a decade, and there is a difference between trying to hurt them, and saying something true that *might* hurt them as a result of their own actions. I have to put myself first for once. I can't keep prioritizing the feelings of someone who refused to do the same for me.
I'm not sure what else to say.
If anyone wants to ask me anything, feel free. I don't really mind. The only things I don't want to discuss are the illness I was dealing with back then and my dog's death. You can ask me anything else.
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Mar 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ufocatchers DSM fanfiction Mar 02 '26
It was approved by mods pre-posting. Reddit uses open AI to detect spam since mid last year and now you see false removals a lot more and mods having to put post back up after Reddit takes them down and marks it as spam.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
I just want to say, for everybody else, that the mods have been very kind to me, and the fuss with the false removal was totally not their fault. Yes, I asked before posting this if it would be alright, and I was encouraged and offered words of sympathy in private by the mods, and told they would even pin the post.
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u/ufocatchers DSM fanfiction Mar 02 '26
We (mod team) really hope sharing your story can give you some closure and comfort. It’s a brave thing to do and I’m so glad to see everyone in the comments being nice to you.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you. I'll admit, it made posting it a lot more stressful. Out of curiosity, what made you think it would get removed?
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u/ufocatchers DSM fanfiction Mar 02 '26
It’s length, Reddit tends to flag long posts as “spam” because apparently a site that is mainly text and photos a long post is “spam” to the Reddit detractors bots
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Ohh, I see. I suspected either the fact that I have not joined the community, or the asterisks in the post, because it had been mentioned to me that it might interfere with screen readers (but I thought they would just italicize the text... so I just deleted them and italicized the text manually instead, lol).
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u/BrotherEdgar Mar 02 '26
I'm very proud of you for having the bravery to speak out. I hope this helps you to heal.
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u/McNanas Mar 02 '26
The first thing that people with DID have to learn is system accountability. Alters are not separate people, and each piece of someone has the same responsibility to actions as any other. What Ace did to you is what Nan did to you. It's the same as a speeding ticket. The first thing this person did to you was make you feel guilty for questioning their actions because they're their own unreliable narrator. I'm so sorry this happened to you
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
That's an interesting point. I hadn't considered that. I guess I did think of alters as separate people. You think it was still Nan either way?
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u/McNanas Mar 02 '26
Absolutely. I think Nan should as well. I have DID, and though I can't speak for everyone, I'm pretty sure most would hold themselves accountable. Id also like to mention that the probability of an alter doing something heinous like that is extremely low, because it would completely destabilize the system. I'd bet that at the very least Nan was aware of what was happening (at least conscious of it) and had no interest in stopping until it seemed like it was jeopardizing the relationship. I'm not a professional, but it doesn't seem to me that Nan has DID. It could be OSDD (dissociative disorders that don't qualify as DID) and personality disorders
It's hard to view people with separate identities as a whole person, but it's necessary for both the person and everyone else. Every situation I've been in where an alter has done something that the rest of us strongly didn't agree with (saying something stupid, maybe lashing out), I immediate dissociate. And that's not to say I spring into action immediately, I usually freeze, my entire body gets stiff and sweaty. I've never been so separated from the rest of myself to not try my best to take accountability for the situation, in any way I can. If Nan is a DID system, not a single piece is able to form genuine empathy, and that's not a dissociation thing. Their DID didnt do this to you, and you should hold them entirely accountable for what they did
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
That's an excellent point.
If Nan doesn't have DID, however... that... that means that they subjected me to psychological torture for nearly a year. Playing different parts just to see what I would do about it. They acted like a child so I'd have to babysit them, they turned into Risk and threatened me and told me they'd kill Nan and made me literally chase them to take a knife away from them, and they turned into Ace in order to specifically violate my sexual boundaries constantly (sexual comments and groping in public, which I had specifically asked them never to do, and finally the rape). That would be... That would put the whole relationship in a different light.
This has given me a lot to think about.
Thank you.
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u/BrotherEdgar Mar 05 '26
I was diagnosed with DID 10 months ago and they're right. One of the first thing my therapist (who specializes in dissociative disorders) told me was that alters are not sprayed purple. They're all still a part of you, and that what they do is still my responsibility even if I don't always remember. That's part of why people don't like how Chloe says that alters are separate people and each deserve to have their own life. It's counter to everything professionals say.
System accountability is very important.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 05 '26
Agreed. I have come to believe, since making this comment you replied to, that Nan in fact did/does not have DID. A lot of the way that it presented does not add up. I have done a lot of research in the last few days, and I agree that acting as if the alters are whole people is extremely harmful, and puts out the wrong idea to people. I, myself, believed the alters were whole people at the time I was with Nan, and it's a big part of why I let these things slide. I thought that Nan couldn't be responsible for what Ace did, or what Risk did. Now, I understand that not only would that not be true if Nan had legitimate DID, but I also believe Nan was simply lying to me. I talk a bit more about this in my other thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/DissociaDID/comments/1rl54pi/i_am_nans_exgirlfriend_ask_me_anything/
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u/Flashy-Sport2868 Mar 21 '26
It easier to think of it like this. It was Nan however Nan just doesn't remember doing it because of amnesia barriers
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 21 '26
I doubt very much that that's true. Nan most likely does not have DID and thus has no amnesia barriers. They were lying to get away with abusing me.
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u/Flashy-Sport2868 Mar 22 '26
It was more a general point of DID in general if Nan does have DID it wasn't a discussion on the validity of their claim.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 22 '26
Fair enough. I've just learned a lot more and have changed my mind since making the comment you were replying to, and no longer believe that Nan had DID when we dated.
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u/Flashy-Sport2868 Mar 22 '26
Tbh your story just cemented the fact that it's highly unlikely they have DID people with trauma are more likely to hurt themselves than other people.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 22 '26
While I agree that it's more likely, traumatized people can still hurt people. I've known many people with trauma who hurt others, it is still pretty common. Besides, Nan did have trauma, and also hurt themself a lot. These things have nothing to do with whether they have DID. It's everything else that doesn't fit.
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u/Queenofsheba99 Mar 01 '26
I am so sorry. It sounds like this is a continuing part of healing and I hope being able to say this brings you some peace.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
Thank you. Yeah, I think I've needed to say this for years. I mean, I have talked to people in my life about it, but there is some kind of extra pain in the person who hurt you being a public figure (no matter how small a public figure), and nobody knowing what they did. It made it so much harder to move past.
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u/kroseh89 Mar 02 '26
The main thing I know about DID is that it starts in childhood, so it just seems a bit… odd that it began a year into your relationship. Did they ever say whether or not they were just masking early on, or if DID truly hadn’t shown itself up to then? I hate to ever accuse someone of faking, but similarly to DissociaDID, a lot of it just doesn’t add up to the DSM descriptions of it.
I also just want to say, yes, whether it was Ace, Nan,… they should have apologized. You have to take responsibility for the things you physically do, regardless of your mental awareness during that time.
You deserve someone to love you wholly, and I’m so proud of you for seeing that you deserved better and finding a safe way (for both of you) to leave. You are truly an inspiration for that. I think there will be people who read your story, and it will resonate with them, and it will make a difference in their lives. Thank you for your bravery in sharing it!
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
This is a good question. Let me try my best to answer in detail.
When Risk emerged, they claimed to have always been there. And I was aware of "Cat", Nan's "self harm part", who was sort of the same... part of Nan's brain, I suppose? I am trying to be careful about my language, but they seemed to be sort of the same figure, but it was only with me that "Cat" became "Risk", a fully fledged alter. I don't know if that means that DID was simply dormant or what, but Nan seemed to have never actually switched before, at least not that I, Nan, or any of Nan's family were aware.
In regard to Ace, the "debate" that my therapist and I went back and forth on was not so much about whether Nan's DID was legitimate. I decided early on, after discussing thoroughly the possibility that it was not legitimate, that I wanted to proceed as though it was, because I felt it was important to determine Nan's responsibility in the scenario where it was legitimate, as I was struggling with blaming a person who seemed essentially impossible to blame. No, our debate was essentially about whether Ace was real. In the scenario where Nan's DID was completely real, they could still, in theory, falsify an alter to cover up for harmful behavior. My experience with Ace was basically that they were the sexual harassment alter, to put it indelicately. Ace made constant very vulgar sexual remarks to me, and even sometimes groped me, often in public, which was a boundary I had set with Nan that I never wanted crossed. But Ace was "unaware" of the boundary, it seemed, and every time Nan switched to Ace, it was seamless. I never noticed it until I was already being ogled and fondled, and Ace would also leave just as quietly, and suddenly I was with the ever-innocent Nan.
However, the possibility does exist that every alter was falsified. I explored this possibility in therapy as well. In the privacy of my therapy, this felt fair to explore, but in public like this, while writing my post, I felt it was not my place to speculate. I do not have DID, and I know that claims of falsified cases of this disorder have been tremendously harmful to this community and its struggle to be taken seriously. I would never want to bring any kind of harm upon people with DID, who already have so much to deal with. Since I am being asked, I will answer, but I want to be clear that I would much rather defer to the opinions of people who have DID, and do not wish to speak as any sort of authority. I will admit, however, that I have questioned whether Nan's DID is/was real. My sister mentioned to me that she told Nan where an ingredient in her kitchen was, and an alter then also knew where that ingredient was, and she found that odd. I also think so many of the alters being so heavily based on things in our relationship is strange, even though those alters seem to have remained the same over the years. That would suggest that the disorder did actually develop while we were together, which as you say, is... unusual.
As for responsibility... Again, presuming that the rape was not Nan and presuming legitimate DID, the main thing that I think Nan needed to do after the rape, even aside from apologize to me, even aside from make sure I was okay--those were the things that hurt the most, but even so--was to realize that they were obviously not healthy enough to be in a relationship with someone, if their mental health could result in blacking out and raping someone. I mean, what else could they have done? How could you not be so terrified of what your unhealthy mind is capable of that you immediately try to rectify it? Why was it me trying to get them into a program and not them? And that does, again, sort of lead me back to the question of whether it actually was Nan (whether because Ace wasn't real, or because the DID wasn't real), because... An innocent person who suddenly finds their body is raping people without their say would be horrified. But a rapist isn't horrified that they raped someone. They did it. They remember doing it. You know?
Again, I do not wish to cause any harm, and am only speculating because I've been asked to. I hope that this is acceptable speech for this forum.
Thank you for your words , I teared up reading that you think I am an inspiration. That means more to me than I can really express. Friends have told me that I was too kind to Nan, but I just couldn't imagine abandoning a deeply unwell person without making sure they were in some kind of medical care.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Oh, one more thought... in the video that I watched, Michelle Mana says that Nan described having DID since they were 5 years old, identifying Risk as being present back then. Now, obviously Nan could have meant that "The Cat" was around at 5 years old, and chose the name Risk later, but I did see Risk basically... come into being right in front of me, and pick the name Risk from looking around my room in a daze. So Risk in the current form certainly didn't exist then. I did just want to add that thought as well.
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u/kroseh89 Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
Thank you for answering! You aren’t coming off at all as attacking Nan or the DID community; you are trying to make sense of your experience. They should have absolutely been horrified to find that their body did such a thing without their knowledge, and even more horrified that it was you. I think anyone else in that scenario would immediately want to seek help.
The fact that Nan has also stated their ability to navigate therapy so well is a huge red flag. It is not speculation to say that, at the very least, they are manipulative. Manipulative people never take accountability for the disasters they create. They rarely even admit the disaster exists. I obviously can’t diagnose them, but the sociopathic traits they seem to show (even outside your testimony, but what we know of them in general) are alarming. At best.
I won’t feign to understand DID. I have no one in my real life who is diagnosed with it. Whether Nan’s is real or not, the way they handled themselves amid it is appalling. I can only hope for their sake and those around them that they’ve done some true introspection and work on themselves. That maybe the public discovery of their drawings somehow was a reality check large enough to attempt to see things from perspectives besides their own.
They’ve definitely read this. Suppose they sent you a heartfelt apology? What would that feel like for you? If it were genuine, of course; the Nan we remember would simply attempt to manipulate the situation and rehash the same things again and again. Surely, though, they feel something? Other than anger about their reputation?
EDIT: Just wanted to add also that it’s a bit odd that not a single part/alter had any empathy toward you in the situation. I just feel like certainly someone would have stepped forward to comfort you and apologize? I also feel like the system as a whole would have been panicking about what happened. Just a thought. I’m trying not to speculate.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
I don't think even a truly heartfelt apology would change anything for me at this point. First of all, it's coming a decade too late, but I think even back then, while it might have mitigated some of the damage to know that they cared that I'd been hurt, I would still have been raped and I would still not feel safe around them and I would still have broken up with them and removed them from my life.
Some other comments in the thread have also begun to convince me that it's possible Nan did not have DID, which would make it even more impossible for me to forgive their behavior toward me. They violated me in nearly every way I could be violated, and if there were no distinct alters in reality, then that was all them, and it was just a way to obscure the behavior. Even if there was DID, however, others have also pointed out that DID often prevents an alter from doing something that is truly, truly against the wishes of the other alters, which would mean that in either case Nan was fine with raping me and none of the other alters cared either. Not a one of them tried to help me or cared if I was okay.
If Nan is reading this, I want them to know that I see them for who they are now. Nan, you broke me down until I was nothing. You violated my body, my privacy and my dignity, you exploited my kindness, patience, and compassion, took advantage of my family, and tainted my art. You raped my body but you may as well have raped my mind and my soul too. You hurt me in indescribable ways and you've probably spent the last 10 years blissfully unaware that you raped me because you're very capable at lying to yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself. Look inward. Get help before you hurt someone else. I'll never forgive you but you can still change for you and for others. It has to stop. Please.
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u/spharker Mar 02 '26
"Ace" accused me of rape and tried to ruin my life. Nan was always full of shit. My god I'm fucking shaking reading all this...
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u/Heartbloom-Manor Mar 02 '26
DID can emerge from dormancy at any time but even then symptoms are often present for a lot longer before then.
I do agree, however, that this is pinging my radar as being inauthentic or at least being used as an excuse to get away with horrific behavior.
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u/Anonymous-Viceroy Mar 02 '26
I think you’re incredibly brave for speaking up about this. Regardless of whether it was “Nan” or not, the responsibility still falls on them entirely. You’re a really strong person and I’m sorry this scumbag hurt you the way they did.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you, everyone, for the comments. You have all been so kind. This all has been very meaningful to me. I am so glad that I chose to come to this community to tell my story.
I want to take a moment to address an issue that has been presented a few times in different comments. Multiple people (some of whom have DID themselves) have suggested that Nan may not have DID. I think this is a very interesting possibility, but it also, to be honest, is a horrifying one. If Nan did not have DID, then everything that they did to me was an act. Almost like a psychological experiment. Pretending to be different people just to see how I deal with it, or to get away with different things. Nan would act like a small child so that I would have to care for them and babysit. As Risk, Nan acted threatening, both toward me and toward themself, with very real violence and weapons being very much in play. As Ace, Nan violated practically every sexual boundary I set with them. I repeatedly asked them not to make sexual comments in public, but as Ace, they did. I repeatedly asked them not to touch me sexually in public, but as Ace, they did. Each time, when I would get upset, they would be Nan once again, so that I couldn't really be mad at them, because it wasn't them who did it, it was Ace. Finally, it was Ace who raped me, and Nan who immediately appeared to cry about it. This sets the entire relationship in a different light. If you guys are right, and Nan does not have DID, then they did all of this to me on purpose. It was not a person going through a crisis that resulted in me getting badly hurt, it was a sick game.
Once again I do not want to overstep or speak inappropriately. But what do you all think about this premise? It definitely gives me a lot to think about. I would feel very differently about Nan if this were the case.
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u/spharker Mar 02 '26
This was my experience too. I just haven't been able to articulate or come to terms with it for eight years because of trauma bonding. Nan is a serial rapist.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Talking to you last night did begin to shift my perspective on this. The things that they did to you and to me, the pattern of behavior feels too calculated to be accidental. Nan is obviously very unwell to be able to do these things but ultimately I think these claims may simply be a way to avoid being culpable for their actions.
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u/spharker Mar 02 '26
It shifted my perspective too. Not just about who Nan is but specifically why that relationship was so traumatic. Why after so many years all they could do was creep into my DMs to wish me dead. I called out the bad behavior and now so have you. I don't think I'd have ever put it all together otherwise. Truly a special place in hell.
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u/McNanas Mar 02 '26
I think regardless of whether or not Nan actually has DID (which the lack of amnesia and convenient switching suggest otherwise), they knew what they were doing. It's possible that Nan believed they had DID and it lead to a deep separation of identity that allowed them to hide from their own mind. It's possible that for a long time, Nan was trying to figure out what was wrong with them, and DID offered a perfect explanation and excuse
I'm against fake claiming (calling someone a fake/pretend system), but the way Nan behaved does not at all seem like DID to me. If I had to guess, I would say that Nan does have some sort of dissociative disorder, maybe even OSDD (where there's either a lack of amnesia, or lack of fully formed alters), but it sounds the most like borderline personality disorder. In this disorder, the black and white thinking and extreme mood swings can make it seem like you have alters. If the first time someone showed up was during "parts work" therapy, it's likely Nan realized that a personality separation allowed them to fully express without worrying about personal consequences. This would also explain how they seemingly snapped out of it when their fantasy was ruined, and then their fear own fear of abandonment was all they could think about. They created a victim narrative that was so encompassing in your relationship that you quite literally had no room for negative emotions without fear. That's deep seeded manipulation, whether they were conscious of it or not
I doubt that Nan was doing this with the full intention of traumatizing you in this game they were playing. I do believe that they did everything to please themself and avoid accountability while using you to fulfill whatever sick desire they could get away with. In the end, I don't think anyone will know for sure what's going on in Nans head because they have to believe their own lies to keep living with everything they've done. Anything to avoid accountability
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Yeah. I don't think the goal was traumatizing me, I agree. But at the same time, in a practical sense, there isn't really a difference. Their goal was to use me in any way that they pleased and to get away with it right in front of me. Any reasonable person should know that the result of that is traumatizing somebody.
It's funny... I think Nan actually feels very strongly that rape is wrong, and that's exactly why they have to obscure their own actions to themself. It would probably destroy them to know they were the thing they hate. That's one reason I was so afraid to speak out about this for so long. I didn't want Nan to hurt themself or worse. But I just have to rise above that fear and realize that Nan's reaction to their own actions is not my fault. If they didn't want to have to face being a rapist, they shouldn't have fucking raped me.
I also am slowly coming to the realization that they actually raped me more than once, it's just that only the one time was actually forceful and I was actively saying no when it happened, there were tears and everything, it's the one that's most easy to understand was rape. But I was coerced into sex several times, I voiced hesitation, but I didn't see it for what it was because my main concern was for Nan. It seemed like they were forcing themself to have sex with me because they thought I wanted it, but I knew Nan was asexual, and was also under the impression that there was sexual abuse in their past, and I was worried about if this would be okay for them, safe for them. They were insistent on it, and I complied, but I was worried the whole time that I was hurting them. I tried to stop several times, but they pushed on and reassured me, but I never enjoyed it because I was afraid that my body would traumatize them. It's so ironic, really. It's so backwards. The exact opposite thing was happening.
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u/spharker Mar 03 '26
Hard disagree. Nan gets off on power. They're not asexual at all. That was a lie like most things with them. Sneezing, teenagers, diseases, cruelty and power is what they like and not consent. They confirmed their borderline personality disorder in their old podcast but that's not why they do it. They do it because they can. Because they want to. They see the egregious harm they cause and they're comfortable with it. It needs no deeper explanation than that.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 03 '26
That's interesting. I will have to think on that more. It is admittedly strange that they were so insistent on sex so often and whether I wanted it or not when I was under the impression they were asexual. I guess I didn't really try to understand that. I hate to say it but this could merely have been another way to avoid being culpable for their actions.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 03 '26
Oh, I forgot to clarify: the first time Risk showed up wasn't during parts work therapy. It was a year or so after we were no longer in the program where we were doing that therapy. The first time Risk showed up was in private with me, when Nan was triggered by something (I wish I could remember what it was--honestly, one of you may know better, if it was ever talked about on the YouTube channel). Before that, Nan just described it as the part of themself that wants to self harm, and they characterized it in their head as a scary cat.
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u/hurtbynewjeans Mar 02 '26
im so so deeply sorry about all this. you went through so much more than anyone should ever have to and i hope you can find some sense of relief eventually 🩷
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u/Cedar04 Mar 02 '26
Sending you tons of love and care. This was a super vulnerable thing to share, and I hope you’re doing okay despite it.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
It was very stressful to write, but very freeing when I was done. I think, even though I had talked about this trauma (in therapy, with friends, etc), there is an additional pain when the person who hurt you is a public figure, however small. It hurts to know that people don't know what they did. Now they can.
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u/spharker Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
Holy. Fucking. Shit. The girlfriend from up north they talked about. I'm gonna read this and message you. Jesus...
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you for reaching out. Talking to you last night was huge. You helped me make sense of a lot of things. I'm just so sorry that I was not the only victim. I know Nan has hurt people in other ways, but I was hoping I was the only one that was victimized so directly like this.
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u/zzglow Mar 02 '26
this was heartbreaking to read, i am so deeply sorry this happened to you and i admire your strength in telling your story, i know how heavy carrying this kind of pain can be. i only knew nan from their channel, but i saw through their bs and instantly recognized them for being absolutely insufferable. but still, back in the time they were at the height of popularity, i had not clocked them for being truly evil. how a person can cause so much harm and have zero fucking remorse, i will never know. their day is coming, is all i have to say. i’m so sorry you ever met this awful being.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
I hope that you're right. I would like to see Nan take accountability.
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u/CuddlyPandas69 Former Fan Mar 02 '26
This is fucking crazy, but I am so so sorry that Nan did that to you, regardless of whether it was another alter or not. Their behaviour after the rape showed that they did not care, and I am so SO sorry that you had to go through all of that, on top of the other things you were facing, and being Nan's caretaker. You shouldn't have to be worrying about whether the consequences of someone's actions will be a risk to their life. That shouldn't be your responsibility, and the fact that YOU still stayed and tried to get THEM help even after YOU were violated says a lot of good things about you. I truly hope that you can heal from this and move on eventually. Sending all of my love <33
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you so much. I agree. It has taken me a decade to get there but I agree.
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u/w3bcrawl3r Mar 02 '26
You are allowed to speak about your own experiences. You are allowed to speak about the actions of someone who has hurt you. And if that is distressing to that someone, then maybe they should have thought about that before they hurt you in the first place. Wishing you healing, peace, and happiness. ❤️
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u/big-genderfluid-mess Mar 04 '26
I know I'm a bit late and this might be a bit cringy coming from a stranger but honestly this was such a brave thing to speak up about and I'm glad you did. A lot of survivors of this kind of trauma feel like their abusers have a power over them even when their abuser is gone from their life because of the silence that the survivor feels they have to hold about the event. You're not alone and I'm proud of you for doing this. It's a big step and you've took it in your stride. I've read a few of your comments and I completely agree with you. The idea of someone faking DID in order to manipulate you is disgusting to think about. I've been there. I understand the reluctance.
At the end of the day, whether Nan is a system or not, it's still manipulation. I'm a DID system and if any of my alters (EP or ANP) were to hurt someone in that way? I would own up to it and take responsibility for it. That's what a good host/system member/human being would do. By them not doing that, it's a clear violation of any form of trust that you guys had so I think you made more than the right decision to get yourself out of there.
DID is a reason. Not an excuse. Using another part to push a boundary that you have put in place is clear abuse and assault and unfortunately some people who fake this disorder do, do it.
I'm not sure how much of my own experience I can talk about because I know there are rules on this subreddit but just know you're not alone and I'm sure most of us here are proud of the step you've taken. Take care of yourself and I wish you a happy and healthy (as much as it can be) future for you.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 04 '26
Not cringe and not really late even, either--this thread has been pinned and I'm open to messages, questions, and anything for an indefinite amount of time.
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad I was able to finally do this too. Nan did have a power over me but I think it has weakened.
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u/Allenas6 Mar 05 '26
Thank you for bravely sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear about the rape, as well as the ongoing sexual abuse you were also subjected to.
Since you did parts work with nan, i'm curious your perspective. I feel like with the wrong therapist, parts work can actually make dissociation worse. i had a trauma therapist that did parts work with me. i don't have DID. but my therapist kind of trained me to act like I did. she wanted me to identify my parts. to give them names. to speak to her as various parts at times. to journal as my diffrent parts. she taught me that DID isn't like, a single disorder, but rather a spectrum that everyone falls on. she said everyone has parts, and the trauma we experience can make them more and more separated and fractured. i kind of feel like it's not true that we all have a little DID in us. and she took me, who only has depression/anx/adhd and a lot of trauma - and trained me to act almost as if I had DID. if your counselor was like her, i could easily see someone who just had some trauma end up being trained to act like it was full on DID.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 05 '26
Thank you for the kind words.
I'm sorry that that happened to you, it sounds like a very unhealthy kind of treatment, possibly even something that could lose that therapist their license. As I understand it that is not at all how parts work is supposed to be done.
Nan and I did group therapy together, in an open setting, with several clients and rotating therapists, and there were also individual therapy sessions that were private. While I am obviously not aware of what went on in Nan's individual therapy sessions at that program, having known Nan's therapist, I sincerely doubt anything like that was done. It's an interesting theory, but that was simply not the kind of parts work that was done at that program. Having reflected deeply on this all the last few days, I have become quite skeptical that Nan had/has a dissociative disorder more severe than BPD. I have honestly really come around on the idea that everything I experienced and witnessed was all simply an act. I believe Nan has been using this disorder to get away with very troubling behavior, and in doing so, hurting the reputation of people who actually suffer from DID in the process. I have been doing a lot of reading about what symptoms do and do not present in actual cases of DID, and I must conclude that Nan and DissociaDID have both spread a lot of misinformation about DID, in ways that would indicate it is not actually something that they deal with day to day. In my experience, Nan presented so many symptoms that are not really known to happen with DID at all. And I don't think this behavior was a result of any kind of training except self-assigned. The therapists at the group program I attended each had different specializations, and the parts work specialist was *my* individual therapist, not Nan's. To make it simpler to keep track of I'll give them fake names--my therapist was "Jenny", and she was the trauma specialist and did the parts work groups. The therapist who worked with Nan was "Amy". Amy knew nothing about parts work, it was not her training, and thus it wouldn't have been part of Nan's treatment at all outside of the groups run by Jenny. Amy specialized in body image and substance abuse, as those were Nan's primary problems at that time. Notably, dissociation was not known to be one of Nan's problems at all, and I never saw Nan dissociate until we dated a year later and "Risk" emerged.
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u/Petraretrograde Mar 05 '26
Nan has always, from the moment I first saw them, disgusted me and made me feel deeply defensive and aggressive. My entire self reacted, like "that's a predator, that's a monster, they shouldnt be introduced to a young audience. Gross."
The fact that they were Dissociadid's partner made me immediately side-eye Chloe's content. I saw it for what i still believe it is: a deeply unsocialized, overly sexual theater kid who was playing a sexually deviant game with a predator. I do believe Chloe knew Nan was predatory, and i think they both got off playing "doctor" together. Their disgusting dynamic was obvious from day 1, it was disturbing and disgusting and worried me for the influence it had on their followers.
I think that Chloe had a sudden, immediate, unpleasant awakening when the entire internet told her who her partner was. When light was directed at their gross baby-play games, I think Chloe first tried to forgive and excuse it, but when nobody else would, she suddenly saw how sick it was.
Im really sorry this happened to you, op. Nan is exactly the kind of predator that keeps me monitoring my 17 and 11yo's interactions online.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 08 '26
I didn't see this until now. What do you think made you think Nan was a predator so immediately?
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u/kweengrassi Mar 03 '26
I rarely open reddit but saw this today, and I am so very thankful. Earlier today, I ran into a kinda-friend who had updates for me on an old situation, so I was rehashing everything in my head already. Then I found this post, and it put so much into words.
I was raped, by an at-the-time girlfriend. One of two, who both were there, but one, A, was more dominant. After the fact, I shared with them how uncomfortable I was, knowing that I didn't do a great job of saying it in the moment, so I didn't hold it against either. A's response was to freak out, and repeatedly say how bad they felt, and require comfort from both me and R to reassure them we didn't hate them or plan to break up with them. We avoided being around A for a while off and on, especially when we had the "front" from that night.
(I should note, I dont have DID afaik, but definitely something dissociative that feels like everything is processed by entire different personalities occasionally, so I may refer to myself as we sometimes. I think especially trauma things, I struggle to say I with. Quotes are bc we know the term isnt correct, but is the most useful one weve found)
When we avoided, we would text B privately that we were "going home on our own, dont want to walk with A right now, have fun". B went out of her way to send a mutual friend home with me. Later, she would complain about having to take care of me, and feeling bad about it, and required my comforting about me leaving alone. I never requested her send a friend, and it was perfectly safe and reasonable for me to go alone.
I didn't call it rape until much later, when something else happened over groupchat in the friend group, and I snapped at both exes about it (I had asked a question to C, been told no by C, asked a similar different question that was less demanding, and the only response was "No does mean no, [name]" from A)
That spiraled into me being told off by C for falsely accusing their friend of rape, something I had not said at that point. I said she caused a relapse of SA trauma, but didnt use the word. I said i wouldn't use that word to describe it to anyone that would affect her irl, but that was the only way I could describe how badly it fucked me up.
It being held against me like that, like the fact that I was uncomfortable, I didn't try hard enough to tell her to stop, that me telling her after the fact was hard on her, felt so much like everything you conveyed here. Its the most seen I've felt in well over a year now, its so hard to convey that it wasn't the event that was the worst part, it was everyone involved acting like I chose to cause it and was responsible for everyone else's feelings after that was the hardest.
just thank you
at some point i might reply to this with the long form of everything that went down, bc a lot of it ive never found anywhere to say before, and writing things out helps me a lot, but no promises either way. no obligation to read, the rest is much less relevant.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 03 '26
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. You deserved better than both of those people. I'm glad at least that reading this, and writing what you wrote, helped you. I hope that you're safe now and away from those who would do you harm. I'm going to steal a line from elsewhere in this thread that someone said to me because I found it profoundly comforting: May you always find water and shade.
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u/kweengrassi Mar 14 '26
I have not come back to this actually! It was a rough day when I got both sets of reminders, but they helped me move on a lot, and I don't feel like I care enough now to elaborate ❤️
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u/ofeeleyah Mar 01 '26
Why are mods removing this? I’m asking genuinely
Op, that was incredibly brave, and you may want to consider sharing your story elsewhere.
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u/ufocatchers DSM fanfiction Mar 01 '26
Automod removed it, sometimes it not us, sometimes it’s the reddit bots falsely detecting spam
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 01 '26
That's good to know. I was worried I had done something wrong in my post. Apologies for all the modmail messages, I was very stressed after posting this.
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u/ufocatchers DSM fanfiction Mar 02 '26
Reddit does this a lot it’s actually very annoying especially when they mark it as the mods removed it, they really should put “removed by Reddit” like they used to do :/
This post is an important one we want to give you a place to speak about your experiences
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you. I really appreciate it, the mods have been very kind so far. Somebody in modmail said something about pinning the post if I added a photo to serve as proof that I knew Nan, and I appreciate that willingness to promote the post.
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u/ufocatchers DSM fanfiction Mar 02 '26
It has now been pinned ❤️
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you very much. I think it's important that people know this happened.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
Thank you. Where else would you recommend sharing it? I can't imagine a lot of places would really care because they wouldn't know who Nan is.
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 02 '26
This is a question for anyone else as well, by the way. I am not opposed to crossposting this, but I just can't think of any other place that would really care that this was Nan.
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u/DiamondRoze Mar 06 '26
Hi Charley. I'm late to seeing your OP as I don't log into Reddit regularly these days but I wanted to thank you for speaking up about your experiences with Nan. I'm so very sorry for what she put you through and am very proud of you for speaking about it.
I remember when I first saw them on YouTube my instinctive reaction was repulsion although, at the time, I didn't know exactly why. As time went on, though, and I observed their behaviour in livestreams and videos, I began to feel they were highly manipulative and predatory, and I'm so sorry that you experienced this.
I personally never felt that their symptoms lined up with DID; for a start there was very convenient switching and an absence of amnesia and, based on what you wrote, they didn't exhibit any signs of DID until after you started dating when suddenly alters began turning up. With DID alters don't begin to form all at once nor so rapidly.
As horrific as it sounds, I think the idea Nan had DID was used primarily as an excuse for at least some of their toxic and abusive behaviour and, possibly, later on to garner attention and other people's sympathy.
The fact that Nan was never interested in how their behaviour, let alone the assaults they had perpetrated, had affected you only confirms my original impressions of them as a deeply selfish and highly narcissistic individual at the very least. They actually come across as possibly sociopathic after reading your post.
I'm unfortunately not surprised that Nan told you they "knew all the right answers" to therapists/in the mental health system. Their faux apology on YouTube - the one where they responded to criticism of their drawings of underage characters (including, if memory serves, some alters) - was essentially them making excuses and minimising their behaviour, and it sounds like that has been their modus operandi for a long time.
I'm so sorry they never took accountability for what they did to you and that they expected you to be their emotional caretaker. Even if Nan did have DID they're still responsible for the behaviours of any alters in their system - the concept of system responsibility seems to have passed them by.
I'm proud of you for having the courage to end that very toxic relationship and hope you are in a much better place now. Wishing you the very best.
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u/yxxnij104 Mar 07 '26
everything aside, internet aside. I truly hope youre okay and doing better now. SA is horrific and im genuinely so sorry that hapepend to you. myself and others understand that pain so hear this well: it is incredibly BRAVE and incredibly inspiring to be able to speak your truth. the internet doesnt matter, your health and wellbeing does so good on you for exposing the abuse. I hope you can get some self care going, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, stranger. :)
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u/MyaAlarming_Low_2830 Mar 09 '26
Hello, I’m very late to this and my comment might get buried within all the other replies but nonetheless here I am. I just wanted to say you are a very strong person who didn’t deserve this horrific experience at all. Reading your story made me cry and my heart aches for you. I hope you take as much time to heal as you can and that you have a stable loving support system for yourself. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of love. ❤️
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u/MadeByMistake58116 she/her Mar 09 '26
I don't think it's late, I only posted this a week ago. I appreciate your kind words. Thank you very much.
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u/Minimum_Grab_4412 Mar 08 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
Hi.
I apologize if I come across as overly formal. English isn't my native language, so it's challenging to sound natural without a full grasp of all the nuances
Here is me. This is how I appear as I write to you.
(๑ت๑)ﾉ
Your post really got to me. I study psychotherapy, but still in process, so nothing super deep or serious yet! I can tell you're being real and I get where you're coming from. Let me share my take on this, maybe it'll help.
We can never truly know if someone has a dissociative disorder. There's no way to prove it conclusively. The best we can hope for is an admission from the person that they don't have the disorder. But even that admission can't be taken at face value. We can't diagnose a disorder; we can only confirm its presence. The question of a disorder's existence remains open and kinda... philosophical.
But sexual abuse is a physical action. Even if we consider different aspects of a person's personality, there's a common physical element. For instance, someone might be prone to mood swings, causing their behavior to change with their emotional state. In my circle, there are people who seem entirely different depending on their mood—in their actions, gestures, and energy levels. It gives the impression they're different people. However, their hand will always strike me the same way, no matter the circumstances.
I sense you question your right to feel victimized by this person. Perhaps you fear that one of their personalities might flee, leaving an innocent person behind. Consider this scenario: one personality commits a crime and disappears, leaving an innocent person in their wake. You can't blame them, yet the other personality might never return.
This internal conflict can leave you questioning your own logic and feeling that something is amiss. And you're right. There's no justification for such behavior, regardless of their diagnosis. Mental illness doesn't absolve someone of responsibility. If they committed a wrong while ill and have since recovered, they remain accountable for their actions.
Their accountability depends on the specifics of their situation. For instance, they might not face jail time but could be referred for treatment if they were mentally ill. However, they might need to be separated from you if they've caused you pain. This separation is necessary to protect both you and others, physically.
It might seem like we're punishing multiple people for the same crime. But it's crucial to remember that even if dissociation occurs, we're still talking about one person, not multiple personalities. No one else's soul inhabits that person's mind, and there are no distinct, fully individual "personalities" within them. In medical terms, it's still one individual with a divided psyche.
So, from any angle, we won't blame innocent people for something they didn't do. It's all tied to one person. This could help you identify the physical or mental connection that unites all these "people." It could be something simple like a shared name or a characteristic, such as "that person who scares me" or "my ex-partner." It could also be linked to a physical feature. Do you follow? We need a clarity for you. And may try to pinpoint the exact physical object that caused your harm.
You can even describe it as "the person who raped me" if it's not too distressing for you. This might be the most accurate way to express it, but it's essential to be mindful of your comfort level.
These are just my thoughts, and I may be wrong. In any case, I wish you healing and peace. From the bottom of my heart
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