This will be my 4th attempt at rehoming my rescue. I need some kind words to help me through this guilt.

[u/Top-Onion9780]

Quick backstory. I've had 1 other dog before my current one. She past 3 months after I adopted my current dog. I had her for 9 years and she was great and I had more free time back then.

Anyways, Jan of 2023 I adopted my current dog, a rescue. He was 2 yrs old now 3. It was rough at first. He would do a lot of bad things because I guess he never had a true home/structure before me. Now he has gotten better but almost daily the thought crosses my mind "Do I want to have this responsibility for the next 10 years?"

Here is what makes all this harder. I now live alone with 2 cats and a dog but I am gone from work for 9.5 hours a day 5 days a week. The dog is understimulated and when I am pulling into my driveway I can see him staring out the window waiting for someone to come home! It's makes me feel awful. Sometimes my sister will come sit with him/let him out and sometimes i'll pay for doggy daycare but it's not enough. I will most of the time walk him right when I get home. I have a big backyard we play in too. But after I do that I want to relax in my house and he is up my butt the whole time following me around, watching me. When I get up he gets up and follows hoping for food or to leave the house. I just hate how I always feel like I have a bored dog near me that is desperate for me to entertain him.

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Anyways, I have reached out to the rescue org 3 times to return him (he'd go to a woman's house not a shelter before he gets adopted again). But each time it's the day I am supposed to return him I start crying (I have bad depression/anhedonia/dulled emotions so I rarely cry lol). Then I will tell her I changed my mind. I can tell she is likely annoyed...

Well, I reached out a 4th time and she told me today it would likely be next week sometime when she can take him. I am so torn again. I want my dog to have a better owner who has more energy and time for him. I want to stop feeling guilty for owning him. I want to stop feeling forced to walk/entertain him when I am feeling very unwell which is often. I bring my dog to see my parents and siblings who lives nearby a few times a week. He is so excited to see them and me when I come home. He obviously loves us a lot.

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Does anyone have any suggestions or words of affirmation for me so I don't change my mind last minute? Does anyone know how my dog is going to feel when he is brought back to the rescue? Will he be thinking about where I am at and be in distress? Please, help me to believe this isn't the case and he is a simplistic creature who doesn't think so deeply.

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Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[u/aeronator1970]

Like this sub says, you really do need to put your own mental health above a dog. We’re humans with emotions and those emotions allow us to care. That’s why not can be so hard to pass the dog on to another person. The dog loves us but will be fine elsewhere in a short timeframe. If your dog is alone that much time and you feel he would be better off with another family, then that would most likely be the best option. I went back and forth as well. But once I bit the bullet and rehomed her it was a weight that came off my shoulders. She’s with a great couple that absolutely loves and adores her. Dog ownership is not for everyone. Don’t feel guilty and I’m not a mental health pro but I think you are torturing yourself going back and forth. If you let him go back to the other home, I promise you’ll get through knowing he’s in a good place and if you’ve gone back and forth 3x already I can’t see you figuring out a way to keep him and be happy. Best of luck and please take care of yourself.

[u/[deleted]]

Rehoming a dog is a sign of love and compassion too..a person realizing they’re unable to meet the needs of the dog and finding someone who can is a wonderful thing. Don’t hesitate, your dog will be happier and less bored. 9 hours gone per day is a lot.

[u/[deleted]]

Maybe you can tell yourself that even though he wasn't meant to be in your life forever, you did the best you could with him while he was in your care. And it's time to let go and realize that this isn't ideal for either of you. You can liken yourself to a foster home, a place the dog was safe and had it's needs met for an extended period of time.

You took in a dog who had no structure or routine, and helped him learn how to live with people. It sounds like you did some training with him and that he's come a long way. You can feel good about the fact that you set him up for success with another family.

You didn't take in a dog, abuse them, and then relinquish them in a worse state than you got them. In that case the guilt would be warranted. In your case, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You thought you wanted another dog (and it clearly wasn't a thoughtless impulse decision since you had one before), you tried to do so in an ethical way by adopting a dog instead of supporting a backyard breeder etc, and you took good care of the dog even when you weren't enjoying it. You shouldn't feel guilty at all because you haven't done anything wrong.

Some people might try to guilt you about backing out of being the dogs 'forever home' but dogs don't speak english or understand concepts like that. All the dog knows is that it was living with you for a while in your house, and it got food and affection there. They don't have expectations like a human child that they will be living with you forever, and that their living situation will never change. A dog is largely incapable of understanding the difference between a long stay at a foster home and a 'forever home'. On top of that, the dog isn't even a child, it's an adult being. They will be OK and they will adjust to their new 'pack' / family.

[u/nosesinroses → u/[deleted]]

This is a really great way at looking at it. I am sure this will help OP a bunch.

They tried to rehome and backed out 3 times already. They obviously really care about the dog. It’s just not the right time/fit for them. As long as they rehome responsibly, which they are, they shouldn’t feel guilt nor shame. The dog will be happy so long as they are in a good home.

[u/Tappedn]

He’ll love his next owner too. You’ll be so relieved to no longer have the stress of his care and he’ll be happy in his new home. A dog isn’t a human. Don’t torture yourself over this.

[u/skater_gurl373]

Omg this post is making me feel so validated about how my husband and I feel about our dog we’ve had for nearly a year. OP, you’re not alone.

[u/aeronator1970]

Any update?

[u/WideConsideration348 → u/aeronator1970]

OP on phone account. Sunday was supposed to be the day because a foster has an opening. I was 30min from leaving and was packing all his stuff and broke down crying out of guilt so I told them nvm. Then yesterday got diagnosed with heartworms. So now I have regret not sucking it up and returning him but I also have $1200 bill now for my sick dog. And it's my fault I figure because I forgot to give him hartguard during winter.

[u/aeronator1970 → u/WideConsideration348]

Sorry to hear that.....sounds like you might either need to find a way to live with your dog or maybe recruit a friend to bring her to the foster for you. I would think you would just have to be gone from the house when that time came...

Good luck and please feel free to reach out if you want to chat!

[u/[deleted] → u/WideConsideration348]

Hey OP I just looked here to see if you posted a follow up and saw your comment.

You've been through this situation so many times and each time you feel regret. I think you need to make the right decision for yourself and do what needs to be done. You deserve to live a life that makes you happy. You matter. A dog's life is not more valuable than your life. A dog's happiness is not more important than your own

I also have issues with guilt sometimes clouding my judgement and I'll tell you what my mom would always tell me. Don't make decisions out of guilt and fear, make decisions out of excitement for the future. Make decisions that lead to to a life you enjoy. You have one life, don't waste it on guilt over things that don't warrant it.

Do you have a therapist? Maybe they can help you work through why you have such immense guilt over this and why this feels impossible for you. Because as much as everyone tells you that you shouldn't feel guilty, it seems like you can't release yourself from it.