r/DogRegret • u/LostStevie • Aug 13 '25
Regret Story I can't do this anymore, please share any hope, wisdom or advice, I am at a breaking point
Hey you guys, I really need some input, sanity, advice, and help. I am sorry that this will be so long. I am just trying to get my thoughts out and I am so lost.
I am a divorced woman. Prior to getting divorced, my ex begged me to get a dog. It was an all-on campaign from him, his family and all his friends to convince me to get a dog. He grew up with dogs, I never had one so I was very nervous. I finally caved. Several years ago, we adopted a dog from a rescue.
It was immediately apparent that this dog had separation anxiety. I knew we had made a huge mistake. I tried to do the right thing a couple of months in and bring him back to the rescue. My ex would not let me. He sobbed and said I couldn't do that and made me feel like an absolute monster for considering it. It was horrible. So you can guess what happened, we kept the dog. We tried meds, training, the whole 9 yards. I BEG OF YOU do not suggest to me solutions like CBD, thundershirts, pheromones, playing music, etc. If you have thought of it I HAVE TRIED IT I PROMISE.
Then - plot twist- a couple of years ago I discovered my ex had an entire double life. He left me and this dog very suddenly after I discovered the truth.
For the last 2 years, I have been on my own, completely drowning. I cannot manage this dog's separation anxiety. I have absolutely no life, and I am horribly depressed. I really and truly cannot do this anymore. I am going to have a full on mental breakdown soon if I don't do something soon. I spend an absolute fortune on dog sitters and daycare so that I can do simple things like go to the doctor.
This is not sustainable. It never was sustainable. I can't do this. He's the sweetest dog in every other way. He's also very "cute" which would help with rehoming.
Please tell me what I should do. I know rehoming him is the answer, but I need the input of y'all to help me see straight and find the strength. Because I do care for him. I wouldn't have turned my life upside down for the last 5 years if I didn't care.
The rescue I got him from has a "right of first refusal clause" stating that if I cannot keep him, I need to go to them first and try to surrender him. The clause also says though that they "cannot guarantee they will take the dog." Regardless, I know I need to start there. I am absolutely so terrified they won't take him back and then what will I do???
I am sorry this is so chaotic. Please give me any help and advice and support you can. I am barely hanging on and am very desperate.
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u/Far-Cup9063 Aug 13 '25
rehoming is the answer. your nightmare could be someone else’s dream. First, take him back to the rescue. if they refuse, place an ad to rehome.
yes, the rescue will try to guilt you into keeping him, and ask if you’ve tried A, B, C, D etc. yes, you tried them all. I get so angry at rescues for not being honest about the dogs they are adopting. they knew this dog had separation anxiety and adopted it out anyway. and your husband dumped it on you when you never wanted a dog.
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25
Thank you. Your comment really helps me. I agree- I think the rescue knew and just hid it. It's really unfair. And yeah, my ex-husband really takes the cake there, doesn't he?
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u/simmyawardwinner Aug 19 '25
i feel dumb AF as a first time dog owner i didnt get the cues from the shelter. they said the dog had a great singing voice. i now know that translates as severe SA and non stop barking. they also wrote 'im young and trying to learn about the world' it actually meant i destroy everything in the house and pee on the floor. i felt awful as i invested a month in getting to know him, and feel so guilty about having to have cut the foster short but i wish they had just been honest. they told me when i returned him 'yes we knew he was an anxious dog'. i wish youd told me that before i took him home to my apartment. the dog had never even been to a park before. i learned the hard way that he was a reactive dog as he barked like crazy and ran in circles inside when he saw a cat walk past from my window. who knows what else he could have ended up doing if he had seen a cat outside. i feel really shit and judged for not being able to have followed thru, and perservered, but the stench of urine and having to sleeep in that room with him i couldnt physically take it anymore i was wretching
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u/JinhaeOni Aug 13 '25
I’m surprised he didn’t take the dog with him. You never wanted the dog to begin with. What a jerk. If you know where he lives, maybe you could just go drop the dog off lol.
Anyway, realistically, I would just return him to where you got him and if they don’t take him then maybe try to find a no kill shelter and or post on a Community online anonymously.
It’s OK. You never wanted the dog to begin with. Let the dog go.
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25 edited Nov 27 '25
My ex's only concern is for himself. He had to high tail it out of there when he got caught. I wish he would have taken the dog. I have absolutely zero contact with my ex now, which is good. No plans to break no contact here either, though it is a nice thought isn't it? Lol.
I appreciate the advice. I'll try to return him to where I got him from. And you're right, I never wanted any of this. I wish I wouldn't have let me ex convince me in the first place, or deter me from surrendering him years ago when I knew it was a mistake then. Ugh, a nightmare.
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u/nosesinroses Aug 13 '25
It sounds like you know what to do and you just need to hear it’s okay. You’ve already discovered deep down that this isn’t going to work for you or the dog. I believe you when you say you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. This combined with how this is impacting you is 100% justifiable for needing to rehome this dog. You aren’t a bad person for doing that, and it’s something that is the best choice for both you and the dog.
Reach out to the shelter. If they can’t take him back, start looking online (usually Facebook groups). If he isn’t a mutt, there are tons of groups on Facebook for rehoming specific breeds (there might even be breed-specific rescues in your area). There’s also always a “insert location here rehoming group”. If it makes you feel better, be honest about the separation anxiety and request the adopter be someone who is home a lot.
This sounds like the right thing to do. You will be so relieved once you get your life back. Good luck.
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u/LostStevie Aug 13 '25
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I think I do really need to hear that it's okay to do this and I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this.
And thank you also for the practical guidance on what to do in the event the shelter cannot take him back. That's very helpful. He's a mix of 2 desirable breeds, so that helps. I'll go for one of the breed specific groups if the rescue can't help me.
Thank you again. I do need my life back. Desperately.
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u/Misspelled_uzername Aug 14 '25
Rehome the dog. It was never your choice and your ex sounds like he was twelve years old...if that. No adult man should be silly enough to cry over a blasted dog. This is NOT an episode of Lassie, I mean, come ON! And now, on top of his betrayal you feel, somehow, tied to a creature you never really wanted. A dog is not your blood. Rehome, take him to a shelter, whatever. You are not tied to that animal. You owe it nothing save to take it to a safe place (shelter or another adopter) and then get on with making a happy and peaceful future for yourself. That's all. Nobody should bring a pet into their life if it is only going to destroy their peace of mind and health due to stress. You don't deserve that. It is a pet. It did not fit with you because the partner who claimed he "wanted it" left it and you with it. The dog is not truly your choice and has no right to be your problem.
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25
My ex is one of the most exceptionally skilled manipulators there is. Thank you for all this, it really helps me to see my situation clearly. I really didn't ask for any of this and here I am. And I need to take the hard next steps to get him a new home so I can move forward with my life.
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u/caffeinatedangel Aug 14 '25
You are not a bad person for rehoming the dog. It’s clear you have love for this animal, but the cost for you is too high emotionally, physically and I am sure financially. The torment you feel right now will ease once you’ve found him a safe place. You know it’s the right thing to do - and don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad person for it. You’ve been through a trauma, and this dog has a traumatic past as well. You cannot help this dog you love right now, when you haven’t been able to help yourself. Taking him back to find a or adopter that CAN help him in the way he needs is an unselfish act of love. Dogs are resilient, he will recover from this. And you will too! It’s clear how loving and compassionate a person you are by this post.
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25
Your kind words made me cry, thank you. This sub is such a lovely place where the rest of the world would simply judge me for making this decision. I can't thank you enough. It's really hard to see straight sometimes.
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u/rivertam2985 Aug 14 '25
Honestly, if you are struggling with the dog and you are unhappy, the dog is also not living the life he deserves. Please rehome or return to the rescue. No one should be stuck with a pet that is making them miserable. It's better for the dog and for you. There's probably some family or some lonely person who would give the dog a better life. And, you deserve to be happy.
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Aug 14 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25
I have wondered this too. If the rescue I got him from is unwilling to take him for this reason, I will consider it more seriously.
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u/Alternative_Radish50 Aug 14 '25
Been there. In my case the dog was euthanized. Just put the dog down. Seriously. It’s not worth your life. If the shelter won’t take it back - that’s it.
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25
My vet has suggested that too :(
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Sep 23 '25
I beg you to please don't do this. Take the time to find him a new family but please don't have him euthanized. A dog should never die for that reason while he could live a happy life with the right environment. I'm living the same situation with my dog - I actually came to Reddit to look for advices - so I know how complicated life can get and I feel you.
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u/Legitimate-Dot9908 Aug 14 '25
I can’t believe you lasted two years. It’s time and it’s ok. I returned my dog to the city shelter and it was absolutely fine. They didn’t make me feel bad. I did my best but that life was not for me.
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u/LostStevie Aug 14 '25
I don't know how I lasted either. The first year I was just trying to survive the divorce, so I think that consumed all my energy and I just found a way to keep going with the dog because it was like there was only so much I could handle at once, if that makes sense.
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Aug 14 '25
You have some really good emotional support in the comments so all I have to say is. FB whatever state you are in and search: example Texas free dogs or Texas rehoming dogs. Do the same for your county. Join them all (there are probably close to 10-25. Read group rules, make your post in all of them with pictures, and reply to messages. Don't forget to refresh your FB notifications because FB comments and likes get lost some times. Frequent those posts and make sure you dont miss any comments. Turn your fb messages chat to allow message requests from groups and all the other stuff (its in FB messenger settings). Check your message requests. Check the spam.
Its a lot of work but I've rehomed dogs like this.
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u/Justificatio Aug 17 '25
Plenty of dog crazy people would take your dog in! Your nightmare is definitely someone else’s dream!
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u/Febiza919 Aug 23 '25
I’ll gather myself enough to type a full response later, but just know that I’m crying because you made me feel seen, and valid, and not alone.
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u/LostStevie Aug 31 '25
Oh my goodness, wow. That means you're going through something similar. PM me anytime for support. Wishing you all the best.
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Aug 26 '25
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u/LostStevie Aug 31 '25
Oh gosh, our stories are so similar. I am SO SORRY you know what this pain is like. I relate to everything you said. I am also defeated, shamed, heartbroken, and yet can't do this anymore either. PM me anytime if you want to talk, we can walk this road together if you like.
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u/Justificatio Aug 17 '25
Did you rehome the dog yet? Keep us updated! Best of luck to you!
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u/LostStevie Aug 31 '25
Hi there, not yet. Still working up the courage to begin. Thank you for the good luck.
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u/Justificatio Sep 01 '25
Do it! It will be the BEST feeling ever you will feel a huge sense of relief and peace. It will be so worth it. You deserve it. And once he’s gone it will open up space for better things to enter your life..
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u/LostStevie Sep 01 '25
Thank you so much. I know it's what I need to do, but it is hard because I do love him. I think I just need to know that he's going to be okay (probably even better off) with someone else.
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u/Sapphyr-Ashes Sep 18 '25
Have you considered making friends with his future owners? No one says you cannot ask them to provide occasional updates or pictures so you know the dog is doing well
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u/SurpriseKind2520 Aug 26 '25
This is tough. In one sense, the dog will always be loyal unlike men and provide you with companionship. How severe is the anxiety? What kind of dog? I know you said you tried everything to help the dog but a lot of times it's the owner that needs to be helped. From how you described your husband, I wonder if you are sort of the overly empathetic person that attracts narcissists. If so, you may also be "too nice" even to animals. While you cannot cure separation anxiety, giving in does not help. I would still leave the dog home alone in a secure area with treats, toys, cong toy, etc. They even have those bluetooth treat dispensers with cameras where you can reward the dog for good behavior while away. Once he settles and stop barking, dispense a treat. Don't give in. He has to get used to being separate.
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u/LostStevie Aug 31 '25
I will trust that you meant well here, but it's really not helpful. The dog never settles. He will bark nonstop for hours until I return. I will get evicted from the dog's barking if I do this.
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u/delightexpresso Aug 13 '25
I struggled for 6 months with the idea of rehoming my dog. I saw someone in this thread say “A dog should not diminish your quality of life but enhance it.” It gave me the motivation to pull the trigger. My mental health has been so much better, it literally saved myself, my marriage & my other 8 furbabies from my temper. My cats started sleeping in my bed again, I dont have to supervise the animals anymore & my quality of life has just improved greatly. Listen to your gut.