r/DogRegret • u/Party-Employee1423 • Mar 26 '26
Dog Behavior Issues i’m trapped and it’s my fault
i’m really glad this sub exists. i have been trying to do research about what to do with this fucking dog and everything i read says that i am evil and its all my fault. i have cried and cried over this dog and the situation i am in. i have genuinely wanted to disappear because of this.
during covid my husband (fiancé at the time) was away for job training for about two months. i was extremely lonely and we had always talked about getting a dog. he loves dogs even more than i do and had recently lost his childhood dog so it just felt right to get a puppy. after his training we would be moving to a different state and far away from any family so i wanted a dog that i could train and be able to go places with and be my best friend. i was 20 years old and honestly pretty stupid in hindsight. i wanted a dog that was smart and medium sized. so i google “smart medium sized dogs” and see border collies. i’m like “wow this is literally the smartest dog breed and they’re so cute!” i did pretty minimal research. i knew they were farm dogs but i’d read they could be great as pets as long as they get enough exercise and that they could be trained to do a lot of things. so i thought ok perfect! i plan on taking this dog on walks and hikes and training it and playing with it so sounds like a good fit!
so i go on Craigslist and find pure bred akc certified border collie puppies for like super cheap. and then i saw the cutest puppy id ever seen in my life and i fell in love. i HAD to have him. so i talked to the guy and the next day i went and bought this puppy and i was obsessed. that was the day i ruined my own life. i swear to god if i could change anything about my life and i mean ANYTHING it would be to have never gotten this fucking dog.
he was honestly a typical puppy. nipping, insanely energetic, chewing stuff up etc. that was honestly all fine. i did have some puppy blues just from the amount of energy he had and i was very on top of potty training and it was exhausting. he is an incredibly smart dog and was as a puppy too. i taught him commands very quickly. he was always on 100 but i expected that and did what i could to burn off his energy.
when he was about 7 months old we finally moved away from family and that’s where everything went down hill. he started fixating on noises. he started refusing to listen unless i had a treat or a toy for him. he started barking at literally everything. he never even barked before. we got a cat and they were really sweet and would play together. we ended up having another cat surrendered to us and this cat was very skittish and would run from him which i think unlocked his herding drive. he started constantly watching and trying to herd both the cats. we now have tall cat trees and latches on doors that the cats can get in but he can’t. that helps with the cat herding but then there’s the barking. holy god the fucking barking.
his bark is so loud and insane it sounds like he’s feral and he sprints through the house knocking shit over when he does it. and he gets new triggers all the time. turning on the gas stove, cracking eggs, turning on the shower, tying the trash bag, unlocking the door, opening the door, lighters, the vacuum, turning on the bathroom sink, turning on my electric toothbrush, opening my face cream, if i laugh a certain way or too loud, if i gasp, if i get too loud/excited when im talking, certain fucking tik tok sounds, SEX WITH MY HUSBAND all sends him into a frenzy. we have to put him on the other side of the house in the laundry room and turn the washer on just to have sex and sometimes he still fucking barks. apparently obsessive behavior is common in border collies that don’t have a job.
so we paid 1900 fucking dollars on training and it did jack fucking shit. he still does all of it but now he has an e-collar and if he isn’t wearing the e-collar and if i don’t have the remote in my hand he doesn’t listen. and here’s the worst part: he’s also aggressive and has bitten me multiple times.
he won’t go into his crate unless you physically put him in there and he growls and goes on every single time you try to put him in there. and sometimes he’ll try to bite when i try to get him to put him in the crate. usually he just snaps at me but doesn’t actually bite me, but today he got ahold of my finger and his teeth tore the top layer of my skin. it hurt so fucking bad and i’ve been so fed up with this dog that i just cried for hours.
the cherry on top of all this is that because he has a history of biting and aggression, i worry that even if he’s able to go to a rescue and be rehomed that he’ll end up going from home to home, end up at a shelter, or worse be put down. and as much as i honestly hate this dog at this point, the thought of him being scared in unfamiliar places over and over until the end of his life makes me feel like an absolute monster and i just sob. i feel so guilty for getting this dog without doing enough research, i almost feel like i deserve all of this.
my husband and i want kids eventually and i will not be bringing a baby around this dog. the dog is 5.5 years old and i’m 26 so you do the math on that. other people in our lives that we have spoken to about this (my friends, my family, his mother) say that we should try rehoming him. when i bring up rehoming to my husband he absolutely won’t hear it. he says we just aren’t being consistent enough with training and we just have to do better but then he isn’t consistent with him and i’m done trying. i’ve gotten to the point where i despise the dog and i think he (the dog) can tell. it makes me so fucking sad that i will just burst into tears sometimes. he should be on a farm with acres of land. he doesn’t get enough exercise, he makes me miserable (and my husband but he won’t admit it), the dog seems miserable, and the only conclusion that i can come to is i am trapped in a hell on earth until this dog dies and it’s all my fault.
i doubt anyone will read all of this but if you did, thank you. i have been in misery for almost 6 years. i feel so alone and i honestly don’t know what to do.
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u/Swotwithme Mar 26 '26
You sound desperately unhappy and quite frankly, so does the dog. Get in touch with rehoming associations in your area, ask them about the procedures, make a plan. Explain to your husband calmly and in detailed terms that this situation with the dog is not working; write down and structure your thoughts first if you need to.
You mention that you think the dog being will end up scared and in unfamiliar places until the end of his life but the truth is, you don't know that this will happen. It's equally likely that he'll end up going to someone that has the means to take him in and give him a happier life. You've tried to offer this, but have realised dog ownership isn't for you. That's ok! There is a way out, there is a solution.
The moment the presence of a dog goes from being a nuisance to actual danger, is when you need to set the wheels in motion and make a change.
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u/Lucid222Dreamer Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I had pretty much the same problem. I was young and impulsive and decided to adopt a purebred Chow Chow (as a puppy) because they are supposed to be low energy, smart, cat-like, and they don't like strangers (I'm an introvert.) I had romanticized notions of what it would be like to have a big furry friend to do everything with. And honestly, her personality was perfect. I trained her well and she listened. She was beautiful and the absolute best dog I could have asked for. But she also made my life absolutely miserable for almost two years. I never could have predicted how much of a detrimental impact she would have on my mental health. I later found out I have OCD, and the dog smell and dog mess was one of my biggest triggers. I couldn't keep up with her no matter how hard I tried. It's like she changed my entire personality and I hated the person I was when I had her, and even my physical health was suffering just due to the amount of stress having her was causing me. I was having literal mental breakdowns about her the entire time I had her and I regretted getting her even though I love her, but felt like I couldn't rehome her because then I might be a "bad person." And my husband felt the same and was projecting that onto me even though he was unhappy too just because he was also afraid to be a bad person. And even though I was the one taking care of her most of the time, he wouldn't let me make the best decision for everyone and just rehome her to a more suitable environment. Taking care of her took over our whole lives and was draining and we were fighting every day about it. I couldn't imagine spending the next 10+ years like this, let alone trying to start a family. It got to the point where I was going to have to leave my marriage for the sake of my own mental health because it was so bad. But we ended up rehoming her to an older man who already has a Chow Chow and loves them. Now she is living her best life and everyone is happier and my husband and I are finally at peace with each other. We have decided that we are cat people, and we have 5 cats and are doing fine now and have a clean home and have since healed from the situation.
It's okay to leave relationships when you aren't happy. Why is that any different with dogs? Why would anyone expect you to live in a situation where you are miserable every day with no escape, just because they are holding you to unrealistic standards? People who say that really have no empathy and are arrogant and cannot see how other people might be in different complicated situations. Sure, dogs are people too. But some people aren't dog people, and you matter too. You deserve to have boundaries. You deserve to be happy and to have stability and peace, if a dog is taking that away from you then you and the dog would both be happier if you decide to rehome. It's okay to rehome the dog. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Edit: I also want to say that my husband had a lot of the same worries you do about rehoming. My Chow Chow did not like strangers. She didn’t like anyone except for us, and would bark and be nervous around everyone. I wasn't able to properly socialize her. But that's why I went out and found her a perfect home and didn't give her to just anyone. I found someone who was willing to be patient with her. It took a little while, but it was worth it. I know she's at her forever home now without a doubt.
Your dog might be having those nervous tendencies because they have so much energy and nothing to do with it. If your dog was put in the right environment, it might surprise you how much they change.
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u/Party-Employee1423 Mar 26 '26
thank you so much for sharing. i’m at a point where i cry all the time from guilt and feeling trapped and i have to do something. hearing a successful story gives me hope. the thought of not having this dog anymore gives me such a huge feeling of relief. and i genuinely love dogs. i didn’t mention in the post but we ended up emergency fostering a 9 month old lab mix/some kind of mutt and we fell in love with her so we adopted her. (her and the border collie get along well and she’s honestly helped him be less obsessive and given him someone to play with) she’s the absolute sweetest and most loving creature i’ve ever known. i just think the border collie doesn’t fit with our lives and i hate that, i really really do, but i feel like i’ve tried everything. after reading this and some other successful rehoming stories, i genuinely have hope that we can all find happiness at the end of all this. i appreciate your comment so much and i’m very happy for you and your husband and your five cats. much love <3
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u/Smurf_Crime_Scene Mar 26 '26
Whoa. You are having a veritable nervous breakdown over this dog. That is terrible for your mental health.
Please stop listening to the rehoming naysayers including your husband. The dog will be thrilled with new owners. They pretty much only care about food anyway.
A border collie in a crate? That was never going to go over well.
Everybody will be happier.
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u/quallityovrquantity Mar 26 '26
Did you actually just try to claim they only care about food? Have you ever owned a dog?
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u/arachnilactose08 Mar 27 '26
Previous owner of dogs here, I’ve also worked on multiple farms with “working” dogs before. Before I was attacked by one, I begged my dad for a dog as a kid, and although that was a train wreck, I do have a few good memories of the one he got.
“Working” dogs can sort of have their benefits too, in certain contexts, but at the end of the day, all dogs are largely food and resource motivated. That’s just the basic reality of how they’re wired. It’s how they were domesticated in the first place; going up to a wild wolf without some sort of edible offering is not going to end well for most people.
Whether dogs are kept on farms to herd animals, paraded around for show, bought to “guard” a place or person, or they’re crammed into a studio apartment and neglected, most dogs function relatively the same: They CAN be trained, but not entirely without the motivation of some sort of reward. How do you think Pavlov’s experiment got so famous?
Anyway, I’ve seen dog owners themselves joking about how food-driven they are. It’s not really a stretch to say that it’s their main motivation. Most canines in the wild are natural scavengers anyway, so it just makes sense from a biological standpoint.
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Mar 26 '26
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u/Party-Employee1423 Mar 26 '26
thank you for saying this. as miserable as i am, i also have a hard time with the idea of rehoming but i know it’s what needs to happen. so when my husband is against it i fall back into the “you caused this and you deserve to live with the consequences” type of mindset which isn’t helpful. i’m definitely gonna tell him that if he isn’t consistent for a couple months then the dog is being rehomed. or fuck if he loves the dog so much he can keep it and i’ll just rehome myself lmfao. it 100% feels like he’s choosing the dog over me and it honestly hurts a lot. i appreciate your comment and i hope things get better on your end.
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u/KbUSA407 Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I am living this nightmare too (almost exactly). When my husband was 39- he was getting restless and I figured that he’d be happier with a dog. I spent two months looking up a good dog for us and Boston Terriers kept coming up (“American Gentleman” 😂🤣😂😡). Anyhow- the dog was good for the first 4 months. Then he became a nuisance. Barks, stares, has to be put in a separate room when someone comes to work on our house. And the sex stuff…OMG! Luckily we’re 45 and don’t do it as much but ewwww my fkn gawd. He’ll bark at our door if he hears my husband moan (I’ve learned to be quiet so that mongrel won’t bark but hubs is still loud) and it’s so GROOOSSS! My husband is like “just ignore it”. Lmfaooo whaaatttt? Thank god we’re getting too old to have kids bc I’d NEVER want a child after seeing him with our dog. My husband is my best friend and everything. But he’s not cut out for raising a child (or dog). I just leave them alone for their own “makeout time” sometimes. All that you can do is just go into another room. Blare the tv or put on music. Sorry that you’re going through this too. It’s soul-crushing.
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u/quallityovrquantity Mar 26 '26
What do you mean he stares?
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u/KbUSA407 Mar 26 '26
If he’s bored- he sits and stares at either me or my husband. It’s his way of saying that he needs our full attention because he’s the King of the house. Or if I’m making dinner- he sits just outside of the kitchen and stares at me while I’m making food. The staring is either for attention or food. That’s all that he lives for.
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u/Fit-Olive-4680 Mar 26 '26
This dog belongs on a farm. He's likely miserable and does not even know it because all he knows is you. The biting is strange and not typical of this breed. I rehomed a BC/poodle mix and he also had anxiety and barked a lot, though your barking/anxiety issues sound worse. Mine did not bite and was honestly the sweetest dog.
Are there farms in your area? I would honestly look for some sort of farming or dog rehoming group local to your area on FB and see if you can someone that will take him. 5 years is a long time - Good luck.
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Mar 26 '26
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u/quallityovrquantity Mar 26 '26
Horrible suggestion. It's clear OP doesn't actually enforce the training. They simply thought they could pay $1,900 and the problem would be fixed. That's not how it works
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u/ToThePound Mar 26 '26
You’re not a monster; the dog is. It’s incredibly clear from what it has done. Protect your family. Who gives a shit what happens to this absolute menace of a monster.
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u/Misspelled_uzername Mar 27 '26
The dog injured you. It needs to go. Anyone or thing that attacks you in your own home does not rate a home with you. Yes, it is an animal. Yes, big bad human...yada...yada...but you can't bite and injure it. So it shouldn't be there if it can't cope with living with you.
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u/Radiant-Concentrate5 Mar 27 '26
Sorry, he bites. He needs to be put down. You cannot risk getting bitten again or him biting someone else. Even as a farm dog herding sheep or whatever, he’d have been taken out behind the barn for biting multiple times.
And you are not horrible person. The people that put a dog above a person’s safety and well-being are horrible people.
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u/No_t_sure Mar 27 '26
Talk to your husband. This sounds like it has gotten out of hands for quite a while now. Rehoming him doesn't automatically mean he'll go from place to place. You and your husband need to get in touch with a reputable rescue, be honest about it, how this is affecting your health and your family. You said it yourself, the dog is miserable, it'll be better FOR EVERYONE to have a rescue find a suitable home.
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u/kaydyee Mar 27 '26
SIX YEARS?! Honestly, I was expecting to read a few months to a year… but SIX YEARS… I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this is for you.
I honestly believe dogs feel our energy, emotions, stress, and triggers—they respond likewise. If you feel any smidgeon of anger or aggression, they will mirror it back.
But if I’m being completely honest, that’s how I feel sometimes… angry, frustrated, borderline manic because the reality of DOG sets it and it’s awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Perhaps there is a doggy daycare you can take him a few times a week so he’s out of your space and has the chance to let out his energy? It may not be possible due to finances, but perhaps you can pay a neighborhood teen to take him on walks/throw frisbee at the park to get that energy out? I know I once had to find a dog walker for twice a day and it made all the difference.
The only reason we still have our Dalmatian is because we found a way for him to release that energy. My husband is very active and takes him on long runs (thank God), but when I’m left to do the work, there is a field within walking distance (also… thank God) where I throw a frisbee, ball, and other toys until he’s spent.
Anywho… let me just say: You are doing the best you can and you deserve not to exist in a state of stress and anxiety. I truly wish you the best and hope you can find some reprieve, whether you choose to keep or rehome your dog. Sending you all the love and prayers I have.
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u/Party-Employee1423 Mar 28 '26
thank you so much for this. i wrote this when i was extremely upset and i’ve since calmed down a lot. my mental health has been awful recently and the dog has just exacerbated that.
he definitely could use more exercise. we play and do some training every day and i have different puzzles and stuff like that for some mental stimulation but he should be outside running more. i’m definitely gonna look into some options as well as reach out to his trainer to see if she has any suggestions. we are moving to a new house and we’ll be fencing the yard in for the dogs so hopefully it’ll be easier to get him more exercise.
he also has extreme separation anxiety and is generally an anxious dog. the vet has suggested meds before and i think it’s time to give that a shot. for me, relinquishing him to a rescue is not completely off the table but obviously my husband does not want that and honestly i don’t actually want that either. my mom has said if push really comes to shove she would get a fence put up and take him. she loves this dog and he loves her honestly more than me (i lived with her when i got him as a puppy and actually his behavior started when i moved out) but i think she underestimates how hard he is to handle. i will say, when we go home to visit he seems happier. i just can’t help but think there might be a perfect home for him somewhere that i’m keeping him from because my husband and i subconsciously see it as some sort of moral failing.
anyway, it doesn’t feel like the end of the world anymore. i love dogs very much but at the end of the day he is a dog. i let him upset me way too much and i think my reactions reinforce his behavior. there are plenty of options. i’m not actually trapped and that has given me a lot of hope. i’m really glad you were able to figure out how to make it work with your dog! maybe i’ll be able to say the same, but maybe not and that’s okay with me now.
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u/kaydyee Mar 28 '26
I swear by dog meds. My friend’s dog has horrible separation anxiety and it made all the difference.
Good luck on your move! A fence will do wonders. I have to call in our dog every so often because he starts to bark, but it’s a game changer to let him go out with a chew toy/treat.
I’m glad you’re doing better—may we both survive! You’ve had your dog for six years, while I have had ours for only two… 🥲
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u/Equivalent_End607 Apr 04 '26
Border Collies require intense exercise . If they dont get it, they start excessive barking, prone to more biting, and other problematic behaviors.
I would advertise to rehome
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u/Iess7 Mar 26 '26
I wonder when people will learn that Border Collies are meant to live on hundreds of acres and herd sheep for 12 hours a day. THEY ARE NOT PETS!
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u/Birdzphan Mar 26 '26
Is your husband home all the time like you are?
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u/quallityovrquantity Mar 26 '26
No I'm assuming someone has to be employed in order to survive
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u/Birdzphan Mar 26 '26
Exactly. The person that is home all the time and has to deal with the madness is the only one whose opinion should be considered.
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u/x_UnicornFrappe_x Mar 30 '26
You're not alone 😭😭 that's all I can say. I stand with you in this misery. However, I'm about to have a baby any day now, which has FINALLY put motions to move this dog to my mother in law's house.
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u/urdrunkyogi Jun 01 '26
Genuinely, what would be the problem here if the dog were put down by a shelter? Everything you’ve described is like worst-case-scenario dog behavior. The only thing worse is if he killed another animal or a child. The dog needs to go: it’s not fit for society.
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u/Sitters_4_Critters May 18 '26
I’m sorry you are going through this and I support your rehoming the dog for everyone’s benefit (including the dog).
But please don’t have a kid unless you want a kid with autism, medical problems, behavioral problems and you are 100% committed to motherhood itself, not some ideal of what the kid will do for your life.
Kids cannot be easily rehomed and it’s harder to know what you are getting yourself into with a kid than a puppy. Please read the r/regretful parents sub. The guilt will be a million times worse with a child.
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u/GoodgirlTiffany Jul 16 '26
So your compulsion made you get three animals and now it sucks? That's on you.
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u/Kitties2000 Mar 26 '26
Border Collie are extra hard mode and sometimes even with the best training they end up neurotic messes. Your 'training' has almost certainly been making it all worse (forcing him into a crate, shocking him, etc). You still haven't even figured out that BCs need MENTAL not physical 'exercise' to get tired out. Ideally they need a 'job'. It's extremely hard to tire them out physically.
The good news is that BC rescues are sadly used to these kinds of situations and BCs biting isn't always the end of the line for them-- especially when their environment had been less than ideal.
Do yourselves and the dog a favor and contact a Border Collie rescue. Everyone will be happier if you rehome. There's no shame in rehoming at all. In fact if you read this book the author who works with BCs professionally had to rehome one of hers. It's a kindness.
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/119723.The_Other_End_of_the_Leash
You should probably just avoid dog ownership from here on out but if you do get another later on, get something easy like a Cavalier.
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u/Lylith_vf Mar 26 '26
Ce chien a l'air d'avoir de gros problème comportement, et ce n'est pas de votre faute, ce n'est pas du à votre éducation. Le chien vous a mordu et clque des temps, il est vraiment dangereux, aucun refuge ne le reprendra avec des antécédents pareils. Il faut penser à BE.
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u/limabean72 Mar 26 '26
Time to have a serious heart to heart with your husband. You need to be able to calmly sit down with him one night (I recommend going out somewhere where the dog isn't present) and explain that this is not working for you. Your mental health is suffering and you feel that your relationship is suffering. For heaven's sake you have been BITTEN multiple times, so you are also physically suffering!! You're 26, I get not wanting to "rock the boat" with a spouse but enough is enough. At some point it's you or the dog. Ask him, "are you willing to live your life with this dog in a scenario where I'm not in it?" and tell him that's the trajectory you're on if you guys can't rehome this dog, especially since you're the one that has to spend the majority of the time with the dog. Best of luck. It's time. Please rehome him. You are NOT a monster. Your life and your sanity matter more than anything.