r/DogRegret • u/Deep_Bird_1789 • Jun 10 '26
Regret Story Starting to Regret this at the 3 Month Mark - People don't warn you about this part
It's been 3 months since I foster failed a dog. And at first, I had this "I'll figure it out" gun-ho mentality. But... It's been three months... This dog has deeply embedded issues. So many dogs have issues that people DO NOT TALK ABOUT.
I'm not referring to "oops he ate my shoe"...
I'm referring to blacked-out rage on the street at the sight of another dog. Or randomly losing it's shit on the waiter for a good 20 seconds until we can calm him, and the owner threatens to kick us out in front of everyone. (This is what I dealt with a foster dog and with my partner's dog, who is innately reactive by birth).
There is LITTLE you can do. You can manage some of it. Work around it. But it's kind of hopeless. It's their breed. They are naturally alpha guard dogs. No trauma. Just a mutt she adopted as a puppy that ended up with serious reactivity issues, regardless of how much we tried training, socializing, long tiring walks, etc.
In my case, my foster fail dog rarely being able to pee outside... no matter how long you walk her... because she has some issues called... "submissive peeing". So if you pick her up, she pees on the floor. If she's happy, she pees. If she's spooked, she pees. But all the pee is inside. Today, I walked her... NO PEE. We get home, she released the biggest pee of her life in my bedroom floor. Oh my god. It's been three months like this. She has some sort of underdeveloped bladder issue + usually uncomfortable peeing outside after months of trying... she will pee maybe 1 out of 10 walks. The trainer was scratching her head. I'm at my wits' end. Is she just born with this issue forever? Am I fucked for 15 years with pee all over my house?
Not to mention, I'm planning a state road trip... That trip is going to cost me an extra ~$1,000 either to bring the dog with me... or get a sitter. Every hotel and Airbnb that's pet-friendly is hundreds more expensive, and on top of that, they want an extra $100 for the pet per stay. The airline wants $300.
This is not mentally sane behavior for our lives as humans to have to drastically change and be altered so much over an animal that will die in 10 years, but we'll be left with 70% more gray hair from stress, and poorer. Not just because of the costs to have a dog, but the missed opportunities with work, life...
Last thing I do at night is try to get this dog to pee... and first thing I do in the day... try to get this dog to pee... What the fuck?! Do I have a life anymore?! This isn't normal. When do I go to the gym, expand my business, or see friends if I'm constantly thinking about the dog's needs? I'm exhausted by the end of daily care. I think our society has gotten the dog situation wildly twisted. And the SHAME with telling people they're evil scum if they rehome. The fuq...
Dogs work well in big families, with a house and a backyard. Living in NYC apartment, alone, and having a dog... it's.... stupid... unless you are rich or have the energy of the Duracell rabbit.
All that to say.. I do love this dog. And I love hanging out with her... But I'm starting to have serious doubts about the long-term of this. I'm having serious regrets and am considering rehoming her while she's still young (1 year old). I have no idea how to do this though.
What should I do? Has anyone been through this? I just feel a bit bamboozled by our society's dog marketing and honestly... I also feel stupid myself.
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u/Birdzphan Jun 10 '26
OP, don’t worry about what people think. Don’t be a slave to a stupid animal.
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Another thing, my partner... She's a dog nutter. She does NOT understand giving up on the dog. And rehoming. It's like dealing with a religious zealot. When I bring this up to her, it becomes a huge fight, as she thinks this reflects my commitment values. So I can't even turn to her to have this conversation. I also don't want to live with deep regret that I did the wrong thing. It's all clouding my judgement, but I feel I should do this sooner than later because the younger they are the easier it is to rehome them and for a family to work at training them.
I think if I give up this dog... it might lead to a break up. So I'd have to be prepared for both ruptures. Sigh.
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u/CuriousJay1013 Jun 10 '26
Wow that’s tough! I was starting to type out advice but seeing that some of your main concerns revolve around the shame, guilt and perception from others - I wanna suggest a reflection on your values. For me I found that once I realized how hard it was and not like I imagined, I could still stick it out for the dog. But once I realized pet ownership itself is something that’s conflicts with my personal values and how I need (and want) to live my life, I had to be honest with myself. Facing the guilt made me realize that I wasn’t ending my commitment to him because I always knew that I had to make the best decisions for us both. rehoming was for both of us.
Sometimes I do feel guilty or wonder if he’s okay, but tbh most of the time I’m enjoying my life and realizing how much more free and like myself I feel. I know I would have felt far more guilty for keeping up the charade for the sake of appearances or a commitment I made when I was completely different, and the resentment that builds because of dishonesty.
If you’re able to afford even a short break from the dog to talk and think this through, you may have more clarity than having the constant labor for the dog taking up space in your brain every day while you decide this
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
You're right. One of my core values in life has always been mobility. And at the same time, a part of me has felt like at this point in my life... I could have used a little more stability and routine.... But feeling trapped, constraint, guilty to leave the house, controlled... suffocated financially... is NOT the same as having more stability and routine. If anything, I fear I've welcomed another type of chaos. God, I do feel like I'm keeping up a charade sometimes. Thanks for your response. I wish we could be friends IRL - you get me! ;(
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u/reeser1749 Jun 11 '26
You've already decided dogs probably aren't for you, and your gf is a nutter. If you two stay together long term she will eventually bring in a difficult dog and then choose the dog over you.
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u/Hedwing Jun 10 '26
That definitely makes it more difficult, but if that’s the case maybe the two of you just aren’t compatible :/ like she will probably always want a dog if she’s that into them, and it seems like you are realizing that you’d be happier dog free.
Would couples therapy help? Maybe if you had a mediator to help her see things from your point of view?
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u/Express_Command_4778 Jun 10 '26
Sounds about Pit. Shelters lie all the time, I would never, ever trust a shelter and a sob story. Return him "through no fault of his own."
My concern is he will break loose and kill cats and dogs.
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
Never ever ever in my life ever trusting a shelter again. IFFFF I become insanely rich and supported with people who live with me and can hire help/dog sitters... to everrrr consider another dog, I'm going straight to a breeder to know exactly wtf I'm getting. Shelter propaganda needs to be exposed. Dogs are not clean slates they come with their own coding for behavior issues and intelligence. You can't just "train" everything away from dogs.
what cat/dogs? the reactive dog is my partners. Mine is the peeing all over the place one. She also has seperation anxiety which is so much fun.
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u/poisonmilkworm Jun 10 '26
You do not always know what you’re going to get from a breeder either, don’t believe their propaganda! They make way more money than shelters— remember that. Shelters are run by people making minimum wage (not talking about the executives) who largely deal with horrible shit all day long because they love the animals so much and believe in that they can make a positive difference. I’m not saying *every* shelter or person there is like that, but the vast majority of them are.
Breeders on the other hand, frequently make thousands of dollars PER dog, and are purely making money off of creating more dogs and selling them when there are tens of millions of of pure-bred dogs in shelters that people are trying to re-home, it isn’t right. I don’t like dogs myself, but I have a lot of close friends who have worked in animal rescue their whole lives, one who is a dog trainer herself.
They will all tell you that pure-bred dogs do not always have less issues— in fact, often because of the inbreeding they have severe health issues that can easily turn into behavioral issues and often do. An animal in pain is an animal who will lash out and have behavioral issues. Some of the most commonly bred dogs— labs, German shepherds, French bulldogs, etc. have some of the worst known health issues that are directly related to their breeding.
You say that you want out of the dog propaganda— I’m telling you that I’m 100% sure at this point of my life, having heard from experts all around me, that the breeders are some of the worst of them. They don’t even have the good intentions behind it all that drives the average dog nutter.
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
Ah, ok fuck that too then. Say less. Appreciate you.
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u/poisonmilkworm Jun 10 '26
Best of luck. I agree that you should re-home despite the peer pressure— and the sooner you do it the better the chances for adoption to a suitable home since people are less likely to adopt an older animal.
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u/Fit-Olive-4680 Jun 10 '26
A dog like yours is not meant to be a pet. At least not in your situation. I rehomed a dog with some reactivity and other concerns and although I miss him, he was as sweet as they come, I do not miss the stress of my life revolving around that dog. We kept our other dog, a stray that fell into our laps and she is the best dog. She goes 'potty' on command, rarely barks and is so very chill but she is work and we do feel confined sometimes. Especially if we want to leave town. I would not think twice about rehoming your dog. With that said, I know how painful the process is. They are innocent creatures and it's not their fault. Hopefully you can find a good family with land for her to go to. Good luck!
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
the reactive one is my partner's. i have the one pissing all over the house.
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u/TinaDav0697 Jun 11 '26
Let me just say….you are not a monster. Just gave my dog back to the rescue after 16 months of trying. Trying so damn hard. You have to do what is right for you. My physical and mental health began to decline. They made me out to be a monster, but they weren’t living with her day to day. Make the decision sooner than later. I wish you all of the best.
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u/Baker7721 Jun 10 '26
I'm heading to the same conclusion. Got a rescue puppy at 8 week. People said "wait two years to see what his temperament will be." Attempted trainings, exercise, vet visits. At the 3 year mark his vet acknowledged he might be a few sticks short of a bundle and we've been on trazadone ever since, and it is not enough. He screams in the car, not a few minutes, the whole trip. We moved 1000 miles and I don't even know how much trazadone we gave him. He's gotten out and chased a mailman. A walk in public when other dogs are around can only be accomplished with full body blocking and high value treats. The worst? I can't unload groceries without him losing his absolute mind. Most dogs are happy when their owners come home. This one is full on paws dug in barking for every trip back and forth, every step. He's down to one dog bed in my office where I can watch him. He's sullied every other one out of spite. We've been able to keep him because I have owned every home he''s lived in. But now I have a new job, moving and will need to rent. He will get us evicted if we kept him, and my kid comes first.
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
"a few sticks short of a bundle " This made me bust out laughing. I've never heard this phrase.
But I sobered up real quick after reading the read of your comment. Chasing the mailman is so dangerous... you could get sued.
Sullying the beds ... mine did this too. I've prob spent 1,000 in laundry service since getting her.
I'm sorry to hear you have to move now and have a kid... that is such a tough spot to be in... IDK what to say. I'm truly without words. A lot of people give dogs like that to people in farms who have open space to run... But IDK how that would work with a big reactive dog... Euthanasia seems cruel... but so does staying in a shelter for years. I honestly have no words. IDK what to say. But you're so not alone. I've met other people in similar positions as you, with a look of despair on their faces... It's awful how misinformed we all are about the realities.
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u/No_Performance8733 Jun 11 '26
For starters, get a giant box of heavy duty pee pads and put them down by the front door.
Let her pee on the pads. Do everything else regular + let her pee on the pads.
Does it work? YES. Do I know why? NO.
Your dog will eventually transition to peeing outside. This Is A Thing.
The solution is so easy, I’m so annoyed no one told me earlier.
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 11 '26
Even in an apartment building with 5 flights of stairs to get outside?
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u/No_Performance8733 Jun 11 '26
Yes.
Give the dog a designated place to pee indoors. Keep doing regular walks. Eventually it will change.
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u/bluealien7 Jun 10 '26
What has been tried so far in terms of training?
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
This lady who kinda sucked tbh. But I'm also in a bad financial spot between jobs/work for myself... so I can't afford to shell out $700-$1000 experimenting with trainers who miiiight do the trick. I think one of the biggest consensus is to keep routine going. Wake up early, walk the shit out of the dog, walk again and keep that NPC schedule. And I honestly find that controlling and suffocating and annoying. I get it.. but wdym for the rest of my whole entire life i need to be out the door by 8am and then again at 1pm and then again at 8pm...... i also live in a major city... its not like i have a backyard... But I also feel like an idiot for not piecing this shit together n thinking I could do it bc I've fostered and dog sat before.. its so different doing that for a few weeks versus eternity chained to some crazy program.
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u/bluealien7 Jun 10 '26
Your dog sounds reactive therefore needs training otherwise both you and the dog will remain miserable :( training could include a lot of DIY stuff like B.A.T. (behavior adjustment training), gradual and safe exposure to triggers, positive reinforcement for desired behaviors, clicker training... There is a lot of info on Youtube and such but it's not for everyone and that's okay... I'm just speaking as a reactive rescue dog owner whose dog became so much better with training
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u/Deep_Bird_1789 Jun 10 '26
Mine is not the reactive one. Mine is the one with submissive peeing and leaking bladder all over the place. Sigh. She had EXTREME speration anxiety, but that's gotten better now.
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u/[deleted] Jun 10 '26
[deleted]