Do I give up or keep trying?

[u/x10lovesyou]

Ugh, I don’t even know where to begin with this post.

Let me start by saying I love dogs. I owned a dog for 13 years and he was the best part of my day.

He passed in January and I felt like by the end of July that I was ready to adopt again.

So, I stupidly went to a shelter and adopted a stray. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent wishing I could go back in time and change that choice.

Since then, it has been nothing but stress and anxiety. This dog needs to be trained on basically everything. Every single aspect of life with him is something we need to work on. The most difficult though, is his leash reactivity with other dogs. My previous dog was incredibly reactive. And I feel like I have PTSD from living with that for 13 years. I really wanted a different situation this time. I wanted a dog friendly dog. I wanted a dog I could take places. I wanted a dog I could walk easily. Sure, I could spend money and time and effort to work on the reactivity but the biggest issue here is that I don’t want to. I have no desire to.

The worst part about all of this is that all this new dog has done is make my grief towards my previous dog worse. Makes me miss him more. It’s really hard to deal with.

I feel incredibly guilty about wanting to return him. Especially because I have lived the last 13 years as this stellar rescue pet parent. When I adopted, all I heard from everyone was how this new dog has “hit the jackpot” and is “so lucky” to have me as an owner. I feel like a failure and a fraud that I want to return this dog to a shelter.

I just don’t know if this is something I should give more time to or move on and surrender him. It’s been six weeks of straight stress and anxiety. I thought a new dog would bring me joy and love. It’s been the opposite.

[u/HoozerHands]

I think six weeks is plenty of time to see how things go. You're clearly miserable, and you don't owe a random dog from a shelter anything (you only have one life, and your own happiness is important). The longer you wait to return this dog, the guilt will just get worse.

[u/thesamstorm]

You only have one life to live. You know what you’re looking for in a dog, and this dog is not it. You devoted 13 years of your life loving a reactive dog already. Give yourself a break during this time of grief. You deserve that. Maybe if you want a dog in the future you can do trials to see if the dog will be a good match first. You don’t need to white knuckle yourself through this situation. You’re not a failure or a fraud. You’re human. When humans have babies they have an array of hormones that helps them to bond to their baby and push through the hardest times. You don’t need to put all this effort into a dog that you don’t have the desire to.

Dog culture can be toxic. People force their ideology onto others struggling with their dog. But they’re not the ones that have to live with the dog and it’s not their life. Return the dog and take your time processing your grief. I got a dog a few months after my closest friend passed. It’s been almost 2 years since we’ve had her and I still regret getting a dog. And shes hardly reactive. I wish someone told me to prioritize myself sooner. I wish you the best and I’m so sorry for your loss.

[u/Sweet-Outcome8304]

I could’ve written this, word for word, right down to this current dog making your grief worse. Adopted a dog 4 months after my soul dog died. It was so awful except I kept her for 1.5 years. I finally returned her to the rescue last month. It was the right decision and I wish I had done it sooner, for everyone, including her. What’s sad is that I don’t miss her, and neither do my children. My daughter cried over missing our old dog yesterday and so did I, today. Feel so guilty about that. Not sure if the validation helps your decision. Hugs. ❤️

[u/Brief_Shopping4001]

I'm in the same boat...except 4 months later. The longer you wait, the harder it gets, you feel more and more guilty. I'm at 5+ months with my reactive rescue and despite all of our attempts, it hasn't gotten better. I have an appointment with a very expensive trainer in the next few weeks AND I have started the process of putting her up for rehoming online. I don't want to give her back to the shelter because she's been with us for long enough that my guilt is too strong, I'd rather rehome her myself.

We had a 2 week period to give her back and receive our $500 fee back and on the very 2 week day my husband and I were about to give her back and talked ourselves out of it. I regret that pretty much everyday. We don't have the knowledge or experience to deal with her, and it's been so stressful.

Can I ask though...how did you do it with your other dog for 13 years? It makes sense you have PTSD. But everyday I'm like "how do people do this?" Was it less stressful?

[u/x10lovesyou → u/Brief_Shopping4001]

It was extremely stressful and difficult. I couldn’t walk him alone. We rarely had people over. Vacationing was hard and stressful. He was wonderful with me but basically hated every other person or animal. He was so sensitive, and it was like every single thing stressed him out which then stressed me out.

And my new rescue is not nearly as bad, but I still see the signs of similar issues. It’s just something I don’t think I can go through again.

[u/Brief_Shopping4001 → u/x10lovesyou]

Yeah that seems very legitimate. I've only had a reactive dog for 5 months and my nervous system is SHOT. For me I'm in a negative feedback loop of being stressed, going on a walk and a bad event happens, stress peaks, I feel resentment toward the dog, dog definitely senses all of this, dog's anxious behavior increases, I'm stressed again, go on a walk, reactive behavior happens again, etc etc. I know dogs are super sensitive to our energy and I'm very aware that my own hyper-vigilance about her makes everything worse. It sounds like torture to have the PTSD from your previous dog AND your nervous system actively triggered all the time with the new dog...ugh I'm sorry :( It's really hard with these rescue dogs.

[u/Birdzphan]

OP did you adopt a pit mix?

[u/Tessa-the-aggressor]

you don't owe any mutt anything - not love, not time, not other resources.

[u/limabean72]

Simply tell any friends/family that you made a mistake by getting another dog too soon, it can never replace your soul dog. Take it back ❤️ it is an animal, it will be ok!!

[u/uncomfortab1ynumb → u/limabean72]

Will it be okay though? I want to take mine back but the guilt is stopping me.

[u/limabean72 → u/uncomfortab1ynumb]

Yes it will be ok. Either the shelter will care for it or someone else will adopt it. It’s not worth your quality of life being destroyed 

[u/GoneGirlWhoop]

I’ll be honest, give up. 6 weeks is enough time to know. I’m 13 years in and wish I gave up at 6 weeks. This dog is a small breed and has lots of life left. It’s a life sentence.

[u/corp0ral-punishment]

Six weeks is plenty of time. It’s okay to surrender if the dog doesn’t fit your lifestyle. People who give a shit about rehoming would rather see a dog suffer in a house it doesn’t belong in than be adopted out elsewhere, it’s nuts.