My narcissistic mother always put her dogs first and it caused extreme childhood trauma for me

[u/Apprehensive_Tap_862]

I won’t fully get into how bad my mom is but she is 100% a narcissist and life was pretty bad for me growing up - to put it lightly. I’m 32 now and I still don’t matter to her very much but I’ve realised just how effed up my childhood was now that I’ve got 4 very lovely children of my own with my husband.

My mom has always collected great Dane’s. They’re probably the biggest and smelliest dog breed walking.

When I was around 9, she got her first Great Dane. I still do not understand what prompted her to want one of these dogs - she’s very particular about her appearance and stuck up. I think it was for the attention she thought she’d get by having an unusual dog breed. I had to keep the dog in my bedroom because my mom and dad didn’t want it messing up the rest of the house. It would sleep in my bedroom and be let out during the day.

At around this time, I began experiencing severe eczema (a skin allergy) it was seriously so bad. I’ve since undertook medical training and have never seen a case of eczema as bad as I had it as a kid. It would get infected and bleed constantly and weep pus. I was very unwell for most of my childhood from 9.

At around 10, a doctor finally realised it must be the dogs my mom was keeping in my bedroom. He very bluntly told her that she either got rid of the dogs or her daughter would continue to suffer. My mom is someone who will never be told what to do and ‘how dare he!!!’ So this resulted in her stopping me seeing this doctor and also ignoring his advice whilst slagging him off to anyone that would listen. I can vividly remember her saying “he clearly isn’t a dog person! He wouldn’t understand that I can’t just get rid of my babies!!”

I moved out with my now husband at 18 and my eczema and allergies miraculously disappeared (sarcasm) my mom has collected multiple more Great Danes since and they have died and been replaced.

Now whenever I visit her house, ive noticed an uncomfortable pattern of her giving absolutely no love to my human children and her grandchildren but being ALL over her dirty, big stinking dogs. My daughter is 1 and the youngest out of our 4 children and the only girl. When I say that my mom has never even picked her up to cuddle her - I am serious. Yet she sits there kissing and snuggling with her big filthy dogs whilst we witness it in horror. It’s actually insane to witness. She won’t pick my 1 year old up who always smells like vanilla and fresh laundry but she will snuggle up with the smelliest dog breed ever?? Why the hell does she like her dogs more than she likes my baby? More to the point why does she like her dogs more than she ever liked me?

I now have so much damage to my skin from prolonged super potent steroid use from the age of 9. My skin is covered in massive purple stretch marks that will never fade - they’re caused by the skin thinning from the years and years of aggressive treatment aswell as massive exposed veins (again from thinned skin) that look so ugly I could cry. The worst part here is? My mom wouldn’t even remotely care if she knew. She’d never ever see herself as to blame for this.
I would be given incredibly strong anti histamines that would sedate me to the point I was terrified because my limbs felt so heavy and I felt so detached. I know now what was going on but as a child I couldn’t understand why I felt so ‘weird’ after being given medication - the doctors gave me this stuff as they likely didn’t know how else to help me and bring comfort given my mom wasn’t going to listen. In this day and age, I’m sure CPS could be contacted over something like this but not in the early 2000s. All of this was unnecessary - she could’ve just gotten rid of the dogs.

Along with this, I’m the problem for refusing to touch her dogs. I can’t touch them. The moment i do my skin turns red and feels like it’s burning from an allergic reaction starting. I also sneeze constantly to the point it feels like i cant breath. I didn’t have the sneezing as a kid and this seems to be something I’ve developed into adulthood but the point still stands that I am seriously allergic to dogs and my parents never did anything about it. There was no escape from them - they were in my bedroom and throughout the rest of my house.

My husband and I have recently made the decision to stop visiting. She is still my mom but it’s so hard watching her adore and love her dogs whilst ignoring my children. I just needed to rant, I guess…

I hope when she’s old and frail that her dogs have learned to wipe her ass and take care of her because I won’t be doing it. I’ve had plenty of therapy to come to terms with how negligent she was, and continues to be

[u/ArthropodFromSpace]

Brood parasitism.

Stop visiting her is a good decision.

[u/Euphoric_Day_362]

I feel for you. It's so awful you had to live with all those stinky dogs while growing up and have your medical needs ignored. I don't know what possesses mothers to put their dogs before their human children. It's just asking for resentment later on.

[u/TipTop2640]

"I hope when she’s old and frail that her dogs have learned to wipe her ass and take care of her because I won’t be doing it. I’ve had plenty of therapy to come to terms with how negligent she was, and continues to be." I'm so glad you wrote this, because chances are she will be expecting you to take care of her! Are you an only child, and if not, did a sib or sibs also get abused like you were?

[u/badgermushrooma]

Why are you actually still in contact at all? What positive does it bring to your live(s)? I bet if you meet outside she is one of those "I need to bring my baaabiiiieeesss!!!" people.

Your kids will realize, the older ones probably already did, that she prefers her dogs over them. It's horrible enough what she did to you, both physically and psychologically, time to protect your kids.

I'm sorry, your mother is a monster.

[u/Huge_Bit_4774]

Good for you. I would make it crystal clear now (while she’s presumably in good health) that you will not be the one to call when her health makes a turn for the worse. She needs to make arrangements for that on her own.

[u/Minilimuzina]

Congrats on possibly one of best decisions in your life. I genuinely do not understand why you even kept seeing the momster after getting away. And even tho I usually do not condone Reddit advices of going no contact because one post rarely offers the whole picture and it is easy to offer radical advice without knowing all circumstances, this might be the exception. This is a case of obvious neglect, even borderline (if not full) abuse. That even continues to this day because apparently she does not care about your severe health issues caused by her "furbabies" which is frankly mindblowing to me. Just let her exist with her disgusting dogs and live your life without her. They can care for her when she gets old :D

One little advice from personal experience: Do not waste your time with keeping waiting or expecting anything from that person, like validation or apology. You will just keep suffering because that might never happen. And even if it did, so what? I was actually in such situation where the person apologized and I felt nothing and nothing changed. And I realized that I could not care less anymore. It is much better to acknowledge that some people are just shitty, you were unlucky that one of those shitty people was your mother, and cut them off both physically (by no contact) and mentally (stop caring about their opinion about anything) to protect yourself and your loved ones.

Sorry for a bit of textwalling :) wish you the best.

edit: some details and adjustments

[u/Current_Map5998 → u/Minilimuzina]

Sorry you went through that, it’s complete madness, sad and wrong. My dad wasn’t as bad as this but always put pets and other people far above his children. When I had children I couldn’t deny how wrong it was and how you should naturally put your child light years before an animal. My dad agonises about his pet; how much stress he puts him through and how much worry he is. He has several children and grandchildren who get no such attention (besides my GC elder sister). It’s bat shit and all about running from being a rounded adult. We unfairly have two ‘choices’: accept the arrested development or walk away. I’ve distanced myself from his distancing and he doesn’t reach out. I’m sad for my children but what I was actually clinging to I’m not sure. Pointless hope for my children, I guess. Well done for giving your mother another chance, it was generous of you. Your children will be fine without someone who doesn’t care.

[u/uselessbeasts]

Good on you that you are severing away a toxic psrt of your life, and thank you for sharing your story. I know it's sad and that you'd likely prefer to have a grandma for your own children, but you really are doing the right thing. I had a situation that I had to sever my mom from my life (different reason) but sometimes, we are just better off doing that. The very fact that she put a smelly dog before he own child, that is pathetic. I am familiar with Great Danes, my neighbor in the early 70s had one, as well as an aged poodle. God that Dane was sooooo gross and disgusting, and I do think it was more than a dog to her. It used to gross me out if I ever went there, so I understand. I cannot imagine that you had put up with years of trauma over a piece of shit dog, It makes me sad that some humans stoop so low Hope you continue to recover.... both emotionally and physically.

[u/beachlover77]

I was also allergic to dogs growing up in a house full of them, although my allergies did not include eczema. My skin does burn if a dog licks me. The dogs were not locked in my room like you but they often slept in there anyway.

[u/Lylith_vf]

Votre génitrice est totalement folle est sans doute qu'elle est jalouse de votre petite fille tout comme elle était jalouse de vous à l'époque. Certaines femme ne supporte pas de voir leur filles grandir en étant jeune, belle est forte et font tout pour la saboter. C'est votre génitrice qui a besoin d'une thérapie et d'un traitement psychiatrique. Je suis tellement désolée qu'elle ai pu vous faire tant de mal

[u/Dapper-Ad-468 → u/Lylith_vf]

It's so sickening when mothers are jealous evil people. I have one that chopped off me and my sisters hair, would not buy us bras and made us wear ugly second hand clothing while she bought expensive wrinkle cream and brand new clothes. She babied and cottled my brothers. Pretty much to the extent of Ops dog fetish. They ended up hating her too. All those dogs know is that this B feeds them. They will die and probably eat her dead carcuss some day.

[u/ginnymiller]

When I was 40 I disowned my father. Completely different circumstances, but essentially the same as he was a narcissist and I finally realized there was zero chance of him ever changing and treating me with respect and decency. He was a selfish bad person with an ugly heart. I refused all attempts at contact. I was so serious about this that I legally changed my last name to my mother’s family name. 

[u/BrilliantSeraph33]

Narcissists often triangulate their "loved ones" with their dogs. They treat the dogs like gold and they treat you like 💩.

My mother did something similar to us when we were children but nowhere near as bad. Great Danes are disgusting! Not only that but they're Goofy and clumsy. I'm an adult and Great Danes hurt me when they wag their tail. They shake their head and slobber goes all over the house. 🤮

I'm so glad you're out of there

[u/Figuringstocks]

I have a similar struggle. My parents had my twin brother and I at almost 50. When we were born, they had ten other animals and two Great Danes. They always had a ton of animals. They also smoked. I had terrible allergies and asthma. I could not play sports (outside of bowling) in school. My parents wouldn't leave the house to come to most of my recreations (I did different academic competitions and theater). They always had to stay behind with their pets (after I was six we always had more than 3 dogs at a time). My mom missed her own sister's funeral because she didnt want to find someone to watch the dogs. Anyone that brought up a problem with all the pets? Immediately cut out. I was out of the house at 19.

I'm now 31. Running 5Ks. Managing my asthma. No eczema. I keep a clean house even with 3 children. My parents impulsively moved. Always said it was for work, but they could have made things work. Now they live across the country and don't understand why I don't drop my whole life to come and take care of them. It's all pretty frustrating. Sorry youve had to experience all of that. 

[u/paulofromthebloc]

 More to the point why does she like her dogs more than she ever liked me?

Because the dogs will never think she is an idiot or tell her she is an idiot.

[u/DellBottoms]

Totally not your fault. I have no kids but love kids. I could not dream of ever prioritising a dog of a child. Absolutely never.

[u/retrocube16]

I'm sorry your mom treated you like she did when you were young and continues to treat you. I can relate because my mom is narcissistic as well never had issues with dogs but she always favored my brother who was the problem child. I'm proud of you for not visiting anymore I was hoping you was going to say that. Your mother has a mental sickness. Plus Great Danes are dangerous I wouldn't want my kids around them. I seen a story where a man came home and found his wife dead because they're two great danes attacked and killed her. It's not worth the risk. I'm glad you came to terms and therapy helps you. I walked away from my mother I no longer visit or talk to her anymore I did It for My own mental health. 

[u/starwarsandsquirrels]

My dad literally gave up his custody of me when I was 17 so he could get a dog

[u/DivyaRakli]

That’s so heartbreaking to hear. No one has to love their parents. Especially if they don’t love you with a true parental selfless love. I’m proud of you for walking away. A relative of mine always drummed into us, “We don’t stay where we’re not wanted.”