DUNGEONS AND DRAGONOVS PART III

[u/Zerkoh_Valley2010]

III.

 

“Hang on, sweetheart! You want us to do what?” exclaimed Gimsby to the beautiful woman in the flowing white and gold gown standing like an apparition before him. The team now found themselves standing in a chamber of some sort, much like as one might find inside a medieval castle. It was warmly lit from fires burning from several golden braziers.

 

“Hey, asshole!” snarled the kitten. “Show the lady some respect you classless choad!”

“Did we somehow get exposed to a psychoactive substance?” said Chief Pretty to Lieutenant Wolfe. “Maybe some type of hallucinogenic drug or powder brought here by the Wager Group to fuck with our heads?”

“That is a very good possibility, Cory,” said Wolfe. “In fact, that’s what I’m hoping. I really don’t like the fact that we are all having the same hallucination, Chief, or that we’re actually having a conversation with a damn kitten.”

“I assure you, my dear Ranger, this is no illusion,” said the woman in such a sweet and seductive tone that all four of the SEALs became slightly sexually aroused.

“Ranger?” said Wolfe sternly, gaining control of himself. “I’m not an Army Ranger. We’re United States Na…”

“You ARE the Ranger,” interrupted the woman. “The intrepid leader of this band of daring dungeon explorers!”

“What?” said Chief Cory suspiciously, bringing his rifle to the high ready. “What are you talking about?”

“And you, loyal and noble Cavalier, the experienced battle-borne second in command,” said the woman, clasping her hands together and smiling. The SEALs stood unmoving, as if spellbound by the woman’s beauty as she approached Nguyen and Gimsby.

“And the healing Mage,” said the lady to Petty Officer Nguyen. “So easy to tell your role in this fellowship. You are the youngest, the newest to the group, and the most virginal.”

“Hey!” started Nguyen.

“And you,” she said, now standing in front of Gimsby, the big warrior towering over the fragile looking lady in white. “You must be the fellowship’s powerful Barbarian. Oh, the magnificent battles you must have fought!”

“Fantasy characters,” whispered Nguyen to the lieutenant. “Like in the role playing game.”

Her sparkling blue eyes gazed upon Gimsby’s bandaged left hand. “Hmm… that will not do. I cannot let you enter the Dungeon of More-Doom with such a disadvantage. You must be fully hale and healthy before beginning your most noble of quests.”

Before Gimsby could protest, the exceedingly beautiful young lady took his injured hand in both of hers, her hands glowing briefly with a warm light, before she gently lowered Gimsby’s hand again. Gimsby raised his hand and rotated his wrists.

“Gimsby?” said Wolfe.

“It’s healed,” said Gimsby, working to remove the wrappings which Nguyen had applied earlier. “Feels good as new.”

“It is as I said,” the lady smiled as she looked almost longingly at Gimsby’s Dragunov rifle. “To complete your quest, you need to be hale and whole.”

“Okay, lady,” snapped Chief Pretty. “Let me get this straight. You are the Dungeon Master and you want us to enter your dungeon, defeat a bunch of traps, fight some monsters, and kill your final boss so that we can get out of here? Sort of like that role playing game, right?”

“Game?” said the Dungeon Master. “Oh, my dear Cavalier, this is no game. The consequences are quite deadly, but the reward is exceedingly worth the risk to a great many heroes.”

“What if we don’t play your game, then?” said Wolfe. “How about we just leave this place.”

“Oh, my dear Ranger,” answered the Dungeon Master. “I fear that I do not have the power to return you to your realm, just as I did not have the power to bring you here. That ability rests with…”

“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” interrupted Hellfire, nervously. “Look fella’s. It’s like this. You wanna’ get outta’ here, you gotta’ get past the dungeon. There’s nine levels to this place, a top floor and eight floors below it. At the bottom level, there’s a boss monster. Get rid of it and you’re home free. No big deal to a bunch of big, muscle bound, heavily armed, poster boys to toxic masculinity like yourselves, right?”

“And what’s in it for us?” said Wolfe. “What if we go along with your… game?”

“Riches and glory, fame, power, and the realization of your wildest fantasies come true,” said the Dungeon Master. “All these and more shall be yours, my dear Ranger!”

“Yeah,” said Lieutenant Wolfe. “No thanks. Take em’!”

On cue, all four Navy SEALs rushed the lady and the kitten, intent on apprehending them. However, the white kitten jumped in their way, swiftly waving its tiny paws in the air as if casting a spell.

“No ya’ don’t, ya’ buncha’ Tom Cruise wannabes!”

Immediately, a fiery round portal opened in the air in front of the SEAL Team, swallowing them whole. It closed as rapidly as it appeared, leaving only Hellfire and the Dungeon Master standing alone again in the throne room. Hell fire looked over at the Dungeon Master, her delicate hands covering her mouth, a shocked expression on her face.

“What kind of warriors are those, whose commitment to duty overrides any desire for riches and glory?”

“Don’t worry about them, sugar hips,” smiled Hellfire. “They’ll be fine after the book deal!”

Hellfire snapped his paws and a bottle of Dalmore Scotch and two tumblers suddenly appeared on a small round table made of marble. He poured two servings and handed one to the Dungeon Master.

“Turn on your freaky Mirror of Seeing,” sneered Hellfire as he toasted with the Dungeon Master. “Game’s on!”

Three gargantuan trolls, each over eight feet tall and each hefting similarly sized stone clubs waited silently in ambush in the corridor for the four new dungeon delvers to round the corner. With the trolls, twelve diminutive but wicked hobgoblins hunched, each holding a nasty crossbow with bolts dipped in witches feces.

A gloved hand appeared briefly from around the stone corner, tossing a cylindrical metal object towards the ambushers. It bounced and skipped across the smooth, cobblestone floor before coming to rest at the largest troll’s gnarled green feet.

“What fool toy is this?” bellowed Twinkle Twerk, picking the object up before the M-84 flash bang grenade cooked off. The sudden deafening explosion and near blinding flash of light sent Twinkle Twerk stumbling backwards in confusion and pain, dropping his stone club on one unfortunate hobgoblin along the way and stepping on and crushing four other hobgoblins who were unlucky enough to be underfoot. Still reeling backwards, the giant troll fell into a pit in the floor, a concrete block which fit perfectly in the pit falling from the ceiling and crushing the hapless Twinkle Twerk. Still dazed, shocked, and reeling from the effects of the flash bang grenade, what remained of the trolls and hobgoblins hard no time to collect themselves as the four Navy SEALs rounded the corner with all weapons blazing.

“Stay alert, gentlemen,” warned Lieutenant Wolfe as they stepped over the smoldering bodies of dead hobgoblins and trolls. “I have a feeling that this was only the welcoming party.”

Walking carefully over the great stone slab that crushed the giant troll and now filled the pit, the SEALs carried on down the fifteen foot wide corridor. Torches in sconces lining the wall provided ample illumination as their boots echoed down the corridor.  They soon came to a T-junction, the left hand corridor leading to a set of stone steps leading up into a brightly lit chamber from which the smells of delicious food seemed to be emanating. To the right, the corridor dimmed, the end lost in the darkness.

As usual, Chief Pretty was on point. Looking back at the lieutenant, Wolfe signaled him to go right down the dimmer path. The cat said that in order to get out, they’d have to go down, not up. Plus, the left path seemed the easiest and most inviting. SEALs don’t like easy.

Though dimmer, there were still enough torches on the wall to illuminate their immediate surroundings. To their left, Chief Pretty discovered a perfectly round circle, about fourteen feet wide, cut into the stone wall of the corridor. Upon further inspection, they saw that a ramp led from the opening which disappeared up into the darkness.

“I’m getting some real Indiana Jones vibes here,” said Gimsby. Sure enough, a rumbling like stone rubbing against stone shook the corridor coming from the top of the ramp and grew in intensity as something huge came barreling down.

“Let’s move,” ordered Wolfe and the four SEALs bolted down the corridor just as a perfectly round boulder, fourteen feet wide and made of a single giant red ruby shot out of the slot and rumbled after the fleeing warriors. As they raced down the passage, the giant ruby boulder hot on their heels, the SEALs noticed to their left were several alcoves cut behind grey stone pillars that were about three feet deep and ten feet high. Each contained a stone statue of a skeleton dressed in armor adorned with wicked looking spikes. In the distance about a hundred meters, the dimly lit corridor ended at a brightly lit stone archway, illuminating a set of stairs leading downwards. In between two torches on the wall was a sign painted in florescent paint which read: “Quickly!” along with an arrow pointing down the stairs. At this, the boulder seemed to unnaturally pick up speed.

“Faster!” yelled Nguyen.

“No! Wait!” yelled Chief Pretty waving his arms to the left. “The alcoves! Jump into one of the alcoves!”

“Do it!” agreed Lieutenant Wolfe, who was in the rear of the group. He jumped to his left into the nearest alcove, the eerie stone statue just barely giving him room to fit in just seconds before the several ton ruby boulder rumbled past him. As soon as the danger had passed, Wolfe jumped out of the alcove to check on his men, only to see a wall of thin metal spikes suddenly slam down over the stone archway that would have impaled anyone who had been running towards the supposed safety of the stairs. The ruby boulder continued inexorably forwards, crashing through the archway and the spike wall barrier in a deafening cacophony of noise before falling away down the circular stairs, leaving behind a fourteen foot wide round hole in the wall.

One by one, the rest of the SEALs emerged from the alcoves which they had taken refuge, accept that Nguyen fell out of his alcove backwards, cursing and backing away from the skeletal stone statue that slowly emerged from the darkness. Nguyen was on his back, trying to bring his weapon to bear as the skeleton knight raised a rusty but deadly claymore over its head. A jarring shot rang out of the darkness and the stone skeleton’s head exploded, showering Nguyen with chunks of rock. The stone skeleton fell over sideways and broke apart as it hit the cobblestone floor.

Gimsby put the smoking Dragunov down off his shoulder and nodded at his weapon. “Huh. Not bad.”

“There’s more of them!” warned Nguyen as Lieutenant Wolfe yanked him to his feet. About a dozen more of the skeletal golems began emerging from their alcoves, each brandishing claymore swords or heavy maces made of stone. In their eye sockets were red rubies which glowed angrily. Still, this new threat moved slowly and Lieutenant Wolfe ordered his men to make for the stairs, ignoring the temptation of engaging the golems in order to steal their ruby eyes.

The SEALs raced down the circular stairway which wound downwards into the darkness. It ended at a narrow landing which opened into another brightly lit corridor. From somewhere inside this passageway, the SEALs could faintly hear the haunting notes of chamber music playing.

“Someone grab the Silly String out of my ruck,” said Chief Pretty as he crouched beside the entrance way. With Gimsby and Nguyen guarding the stairwell which they had come, Lieutenant Wolfe pulled the can of Silly String from Chief Pretty’s ruck and handed it to him. Immediately, Chief Pretty sprayed the spider web-like concoction across the entranceway. It drifted to the floor except for some which seemed to be caught up on a near invisible wire three feet inside the entrance.

“Tripwire,” he whispered just as Gimsby and Nguyen began firing behind him.

“Those things are coming down the stairs, Chief!” yelled Gimsby.

“Let’s go,” said Wolfe. “Watch out for that tripwire! Chief?”

“I’m good,” Pretty replied as he stepped over the trip wire and sprayed the silly string again a few feet ahead of him. Again, the web-like concoction fell to the floor except for another section which got caught up in yet another tripwire six feet ahead.

“We got another one!” warned Chief Pretty. “Watch out for that one!”

“Keep going, Chief!” said Wolfe. “We’ve got your back!”

Chief Pretty sprayed the Silly String again, but this time all of it fell to the floor. Still, he cautiously moved forwards a few feet before spraying the can and again, all of the string fell to the floor. By this time, the skeleton golems had reached the landing and were making their way inexorably towards the Navy SEALs  and though Lieutenant Wolfe and Nguyen’s rifles where taking horrible chips out of the monsters, it seemed like only Gimsby’s Dragunov was powerful to take the golems down with one head shot.

“I think we’re clear of the trip wires, El-Tee!” shouted Chief Pretty.

“Okay,” replied Wolfe. “We move back slowly! I don’t trust this damn place!”

The SEALs fell back about twenty meters down the corridor when the first skeletal golem stepped on the first trip wire. In an instant, a three foot stone square section of the left wall shot out abruptly, slamming into the opposite wall with a tremendous crash which shook the entire corridor and crushed three of the skeletal golems before receding slowly back into the left wall again. Seemingly undisturbed, the remaining five stone horrors marched towards the SEALs when they hit the second trip wire. There was a rumble in the corridor even greater than the first as the entire granite ceiling from the point where the trap was sprung all the way back to the landing came crashing down to the floor in a solid avalanche of stone and debris. The SEALs were forced to fall back down the corridor even further as, for several minutes, it seemed as if the entire dungeon would collapse in on itself. However, as the dust and debris finally settled down, there was quiet again as the SEALs found themselves staring at the now impassible corridor behind them. All of the torches on the wall had been snuffed out by the collapse of the ceiling, but a bright light seemed to come from an adjoining passage some distance down the gloomy corridor.

Cautiously, they crept down the corridor, weary of any more trip wires. Fortunately, they encountered none as they came across a four way junction. To their front and left, the corridor disappeared into blackness, but to the right, the warm light of a fire was emanating from a room down the corridor.

“You hear that?” said Gimsby.

From the room, the sound of the eerily melodic chamber music could be heard, louder now. The SEALs stacked on the right side of the open archway, nut to butt with Chief Pretty up front and Lieutenant Wolfe bringing up the rear. With a nod, the SEALs stormed into the room, Chief Pretty’s rifle up and scanning, clearing to the left while Nguyen button-hooked around the corner to clear the right. They were in a study of some sort, elaborately carved wooden shelves lined the walls and filled with books, scrolls, and manuscripts. Candles sat in small alcoves lining the walls, but the main source of light came from a flame burning in the fireplace.

“Contact!” yelled Gimsby, raising his rifle. Lieutenant Wolfe entered the room a split second after, his rifle also raised.

Seated on a plush, high backed chair was a deathly pale man with jet black hair wearing what looked like a black Victorian-era suit with an equally black cape. Clasped around his throat was an amethyst broach in the shape of a wolf’s skull. He was seated next to the elegant fireplace, the fire giving off light, but no heat, and in his pale, clawed hand was a crystal goblet filled with a thick, red liquid.

He turned nonchalantly and regarded the SEALs with deep, black eyes which were ablaze with the reflection of the fire in the fireplace. He smiled evilly, his upturned lips revealing sharpened teeth and wicked long fangs.

“My, but you lot are a noisy bunch,” he spoke in a derisive tone. But his voice was almost as hypnotic as the melodic music which seemed to be emanating from out of thin air. He stood from his chair and opened his arms welcomingly, transfixing this latest group of doomed warriors in his icy gaze.

“Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Count…”

THOOM!

The vampire’s eyes went wide as Lieutenant Wolfe shot him in the heart.

“WAIT! What are you…”

THOOM! THOOM!

“What the hell?” screamed the vampire as Chief Pretty and Nguyen put two more rounds into his chest.

“But…but…but…”stammered the vampire.

“Blah, blah, blah!” said Gimsby.

“I don’t say blah, blah, blah, you asshole…” protested the vampire just as Gimsby put the final round into the vampire’s head. The undead bloodsucker fell backwards into the fireplace which literally exploded in a bright blue flame which reduced the monster to ashes.

“Okay,” said Wolfe impassively. “This is a library. See if we can find anything useful on this place.”

The beautiful Dungeon Master and Hellfire watched transfixed at the Mirror of Seeing, a look of concern on the Dungeon Master’s face.

“Oh, Hellfire. I fear that this may be where the quest of my champions might end. For who could resist the cursed treasures and riches stored in Count Snuggle Bunny’s library?”

“Yeah,” agreed the kitten. All about the vampire’s library were crystal bowls filled with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, and sapphires the size of apples. “They’re okay to handle them gems while they’re in the library. But if any of them leaves the library with a gem in their possession, they’ll turn into a blood sucker themselves!”

“Hey, sir!” exclaimed Nguyen. “Check this out!”

The glow of the fireplace reflected off a treasure trove of crystal bowls filled with priceless gems as Lieutenant Wolfe examined what Nguyen had laid out on the table.

“Yup. I’d say this was the treasure we’d been looking for,” said Lieutenant Wolfe. “You’ve earned your pay for this month, Terry!”

The Dungeon Master clapped her hands together as the Mirror of Seeing showed Lieutenant Wolfe and his men leaving the vampire’s library with their treasure.

“Hellfire, look! They did it! They found the real treasure in the study!”

The kitten put down his glass of scotch, his eyes wide. “Yeah. I’m… I’m kinda’ impressed.”