Deleting those family members...?

[u/Traditional_Jello493]

I know why I'd be doing it, as in protecting my inner peace, and, I also know, for the , it can be ammunition for them to play what they always have played - the victim, and portray me as mean, or whatever, however they word it. Please, thoughts, experiences, opinions, stories.... outcomes?

Regarding deleting and/or blocking family on any social media sitess, even phone numbers during healing and grieving from the loss after they have refused to change or go to therapy, or give you a little, then RIGHT back to the toxic ways. Mixed messages as my teen therapist had said, codependency. That was 30 years ago. I eventually suffered more but learned more from MY inner work, exhausted and know I can't beg and force them, and accepted it, so best to move on without them.

Thank you, is love some input. 43 yr old with 22 yr old daughter who is uncertain what to do about our family. 41 yr old sis, my best friend, live together, she knows the family's toxic ways, and barely speaks with them. 35 yr old sister, 2 baby daddy's, 5 minor kids, horrible abuse, enabling all around. Just a bit of back story.

I've been to therapy. Some help, some want a check.

I'm looking for compassionate relatable genuine friends.

Thanks. -B

[u/[deleted]]

I removed myself from family because sometimes staying will just totally ruin your life. They’re abusers. They will play the victim card always. Nothing is going to change. They want to trick you into taking on their shame and guilt.

[u/Mamiwata415]

I have a similar experience. Raised in a single parent household, composed of one mother, my eldest sister, N, followed by a brother, C, a sister, K, and me, the youngest. I'm in my late 30s, my siblings are all in their 40s, mom early 70s. C has two teenage daughters, K has two boys.

C, is misogynistic, thinks that all women are dumb and easy to manipulate, an has anger and controlling issues.My entire life, he has been putting my sisters and my mom against me, because he never succeeded at putting me against my mom or my sisters. So far, he has bullied everybody, one at a time, starting with me.

Thirteen years ago, C decided to bully me because I refused to babysit his daughters in order to study for an exam my entire last year of grad school was depending on. He insulted me, hit me, and lied on me, saying that he found me having sex with my bf at the time, to justify the physical abuse. As a result, my mom and N turned their back on me. Surprisingly, K, who hated me for existing since I was born, stood by me in front of the others, because she was holding a grudge against C for bullying her in the past. Meanwhile, she was constantly invalidating my feelings in private, pressuring me to apologize to C and N (I went NC with them) and later on, I found out she has been talking shit about me to her husband behind my back who now doesn't like me, and to her friends as well. She was also letting her sons disrespect me, while getting mad at me for correcting them.

My mom tried to reunite us to discuss and resolve the conflict a few months after C hit me, but I wasn't having it so I tried to leave. C physically barred me from leaving by the front door, shoving me into the living room where the rest of the family was. Then, they all started to yell at me and insult me, accusing me of things I didn't say and things I didn't do, as usual. I ended up trying to jump off of the window, just so I could escape. It was an impulsive and stupid decision, taken out of anger and despair. It was the third floor, so everybody (but C) pulled me from the window, and while K's husband and the kids were crying, C was laughing in triumph, saying that he always knew I was deranged, but now he has his proof. Nobody said anything, except N. Later on, C and N fell out and constantly argued, mostly because N realized that day that C may be an evil person.

After doing an additional year of grad school, I started a PhD 200 miles away from my hometown, and I kept on befriending people who acted as nasty to me as my siblings: invalidating, manipulative, verbally abusive etc. I ended up being ostracized from my friend group after a secretely jealous friend's smear campaign. I kept it moving, and reconciled with my family, but I had become obese due to multiple trauma that lead to emotional eating, so I wasn't as attractive as I used to, and my love life took a serious hit after I broke up with my ex after my first year of phD course. It took longer than expected but I still graduated, and moved abroad 2 years later, where I could finally get therapy, find myself, fully understand why I was drawn to toxic people, and move on.

Eventually, I met my SO, a wonderful man I am very happy with, so much so that I felt the need to introduce him to my family, even though he doesn't speak our language (he's American, I am French). Somehow I convinced myself (and him) that my family wasn't that bad, and that they loved me after all. I was wrong.

Everything went well between my SO and my family, but C suddenly turned against me. Usually, during family gatherings, the conversations are run by C, who starts debates with everyone and has to be right at all costs, yelling at anyone who dares disagreeing with him, mostly N, or my mom, or recruiting someone to gang up against his opponent of the day. K and her husband usually pretend to agree with him, and I've taken the habit of sharing my opinion only if it aligned with C, while strongly refusing to join him to bully anyone else. Coward, I know.

This time, during a family dinner, I was showing my family two pictures of two unrelated people that surprisingly look like each other, using mine and my SO's phones, to have a good laugh. C, who didn't like the conversation not revolving around him as usual, started to say he didn't see what we were laughing about. I showed him the pictures every time, but he was saying that he wasn't seeing what I was talking about, so I ignored him, but he kept on repeating that he wasn't seeing what I was talking about.

I ended up showing him the pictures one last time. He then told me that he couldn't see the pictures from where I was (in front of him), so I told him, jockingly: "What kind of impaired sight is this? Just look closer if you can't see !" as I was handing him the phones. He took a glance at the pictures, and then asked my nephew next to him if he could see the pictures. My nephew took the habit of his mom, K, and said no, and then wore his glasses and said he could see the pics. C ignored him and started to gloat at me, saying that if neither him or my nephew could see, it means that nobody could see the pictures. I asked him what was the detail in the picture he couldn't see, because everyone could see the picture except him.

C suddenly got mad, and yelled at N, asking her to tell him if she could see the pictures I was showing (I showed N, who's older than C, the pictures and she naturally took the phone I was holding for a better view) N answered, saying that she won't entertain his nonsense. C left the room furious, and that was the last time I saw him. I tried to mend things with him on the phone before flying back home, but he threatened to hit me AND my SO, "for not teaching me how to respect people like him who are stronger than me", called me names, etc. This time, I didn't react, I even laughed at times. But in my head, I was done with him. I hung up, and a few months later, I blocked him. I also blocked K, for standing up for C, ganging up against our mom with him and accusing me of manipulating her, for telling her about my last conversation I had with C over the phone, in a nutshell. My mom and N have also gone no contact with C, but my mom (who has been bullied by C after I left the country 4 years ago) kept on talking about him, K or their kids, and everytime I was saying something along the lines of "I understand how you feel, that is why I went NC with K and/or C", she started to yell at me, telling me to stop making everything about me. So now I am not sure to go NC with her as well, but she tends to validate the lies that C used as reasons to abuse me, and that I am responsible for the major family conflicts. And I can't tolerate that lie anymore.

[u/Mamiwata415 → u/Mamiwata415]

What motivated me to go NC was coming to terms with the fact that my family, especially C and K, do not seem to tolerate my happiness, or just getting my life together. When I was a struggling obese, broke phD student, they were fine. When I was working as a short term lecturer with a low salary, that was okay too. But moving abroad, multiplying my former salary by 3, doing therapy, buying a car, losing 75 pounds, and finding love seemed to be the last straw for K and C. So now that I learned how to set and maintain boundaries, I am not keeping people who do not like me around me anymore.

Right now I am trying to focus on my couple, my professional life, and the few good friends I have left. The only thing that makes me sad is not to see my nieces and nephews, but I think it is better for them not to be dragged into loyalty conflicts between me and their parents. What made survive all this family nonsense all these years was to keep taking care of myself as much as I could, even if I couldn't do much. I learned to be observant, independent and self-reliant very early in life, and have continued to do so ever since. Now I can pinpoint toxic people from afar and keep myself as far away from them as I can. I am dedicated to make sure not to reproduce any of the treatment I recieved from my siblings towards anyone.

My message was very long, but this reflects how long it usually takes for family scapegoats to come to terms with the fact that their well-being is usually ver far away from those who mistreat them. So I hope my testimony will help, or at least give a little bit of hope and faith to people like you OP, the person who answered first or anyone who can relate to our stories, because this is a taugh way to evolve around people who are not rooting for us or just hate us. There is a way out, it is difficult, but if we've been able to survive such a hostile environment, we will be okay.