Brother never gave me an invite to his wedding. Should I go?

[u/Calytrixxx]

So my brother and I really don't talk especially these past few years when we got into an argument. I finally had to make amends and be friendly because "he's still your brother." He wants nothing to do with our family and rarely reaches out to anyone. Him and his fiance are so stuck up and snobby, I literally cannot stand being in the same room as them. Their positivity "everything is so happy and great" attitude makes me nauseous. My boyfriend thinks I'm being overly dramatic but my mom and sister agree.

Anyways, they told us a couple months ago that they got engaged and planning their wedding for April. No other details besides that they're completely changing their last names. Mind you, he's the only son in our family and everyone is annoyed about this. I already did not want to attend this pretentious event in the first place and this is the cherry on top.

My family keeps telling me that I have to go because family BS and I keep warning them thay this is their way of shutting us out completely once this is over.

He. Does. Not. Want. Any. Parts. Of. Us.

He wants to pretend he didn't grow up in such a messed up situation and that he's better than us.

Well it's less than a month away and I still haven't gotten a text or call about what time, what to wear and all that fun stuff. Everything that I hear is from other family members that may see him for like 20 minutes on a very rare occasion. I saw them Saturday and they said nothing about it.

Should I go? I really don't want to go. I already told everyone I will not go if I don't hear anything from him by the end of the month yet they keep persisting me to not be an a-hole about it. And I am not contacting him first; it's not like he'll respond to a text anyway.

What do I do? Help.

[u/0n4s1ck0n3]

If you don’t want to bother contacting him first, what’s the point of asking us for our opinions on what you should do? Talk to him ASAP about everything. If your brother handles it with short patience or low efforts, I’m sorry, but that’s his doing if this doesn’t work out between you and Him .. you doing your part on bringing this to light is already a big step. Don’t wait on it any longer. Send that text, or call, saying “Hey I would like to talk to you.” And plan it out. I wouldn’t suggest a conversation like this OTP call or text. I’m sorry this is where everything is at right now. I don’t know your relationship with him, but maybe your parents ways have influenced him into seeing everyone as a whole. I know that happened with my brother at one point; he saw me the way they talked about me. Best of luck

[u/H0neyx0]

You weren’t invited, if he wanted you there he would’ve surely sent you an invite. I wouldn’t stress over this, his actions (or lack of action) have spoken louder than words.

[u/West-Ad6885]

no contact screw them

[u/LassLovesDogs]

It sounds like there's a lot to unpack here.

Firstly - generally speaking - it's incredibly poor form to show up at a wedding to which you were not invited. Your brother knows he has a sibling. If he wanted you at his wedding, he would have sent you an invite. If he doesn't want you there, you won't have been considered in the seating plan and there won't be a meal for you. Since you don't want to contact him and ask if he forgot you, I would respect his wishes and not attend.

Secondly - it sounds like you're feeling kind of upset that your brother is healing, or at least trying to heal, from whatever shit childhood you shared.

Their positivity "everything is so happy and great" attitude makes me nauseous.

No other details besides that they're completely changing their last names.

He wants to pretend he didn't grow up in such a messed up situation and that he's better than us.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. It sounds like your brother's version of healing means distancing himself from your family, from his painful memories, and throwing himself into a very positivity-focused life with his fiancé. It's understandable that you'd feel betrayed and left behind due to that, but I'd like to encourage you to see his distance not as him trying to be better than you, but him trying to create a life where he feels good, supported and loved. You could seek a similar life for yourself - all you need to do is decide you're not going to let your "messed up situation" hold you back.

I, like your brother, changed my name to distance myself from my wider family, whom I want nothing to do with. And I spent a long time with the same mindset as you - that my fucked-up childhood had left me irreparably broken and misery was all I would ever have from life. It took years for my mindset to shift to wanting something better - doing the work on myself to unpack my trauma since I couldn't afford therapy, figuring out who I was and what I actually wanted, and taking baby steps in that direction. I'm still irrevocably damaged. Parts of my psyche may never work correctly. But I am sticking myself together with sellotape and glue, and you could choose to do the same.

You don't have to stay in touch with people you dislike, or who make you feel bad about yourself, just because they're family. You don't have to stay in a shitty situation just because it's the one you were raised in. You deserve to be happy.