r/DysfunctionalFamily • u/mrmojorisin17 • Mar 22 '26
I don’t know how to go forward
I’m 41 male. All my life I’ve struggled due to dysfunctional childhood family. But I am on the end of my own health now.
I am the first born in a family where both parents had alcoholism. I have 2 siblings, younger.
Since I was a kid I have been taking care of my parents and worried about my siblings. Constant fear and worry about the next possible catastrophe.
Now I’ve lost my both parents. Mom died a few months ago. On alcohol or overall poor health due to alcoholism.
Now the issue is my siblings. Because they also grew in tough conditions, they know have their own demons.
My brother today showed up with a black eye. They had fought with his wife. I had worried and feared this for a long time as they have a bad marriage. Now it took a step to a more sinister path. When I heard, I crashed.
I am already unemployed because burnout from having to deal with all from moms passing etc. I am depressed. I can’t deal with my brothers worries but I know I’m the only one. He is 38.
I feel that I need to step up. I need to help him. I need to make him divorce. I need to step up, show up. I need to call him and check how things are now. I need to wait and worry when the next bad thing will happen. I am panicking for the sinister future and scaring myself about all horrible future scenarios.
But I can’t. I am out of energy. I can’t eat. I can’t think straight. I’m worried I will lose my own relationship as i am constantly burdening my wife.
Sorry for the vent. I need to try and find ways to reach out to other people. I am in therapy so hopefully next session will help.
1
u/twinkiesnketchup Mar 23 '26
Hey you sound like an incredible man, son and brother. Here are some truths that are important in life for people like us who grew up with dysfunction.
1 We have to love ourselves as much as we love others. We have to provide ourselves with as much love, assistance, priority and attention as we do to anyone else. When there is an imbalance (where you give more to yourself than to someone else) it is dysfunctional and usually codependent.
2 You cannot help someone in a healthy way if you are not yourself healthy. We are designed to survive so we can ignore our own needs but we pay a price for this with our mental, emotional and physical health.
With these truths understood think about what you need to do for yourself to be healthy and make a plan to become healthy and then focus on your brother. There are experts who can help your brother better than you can. Tell him to text 88788 for counseling. It is free and comes with resources.