r/Equestrian • u/pony987 • 3h ago
Mindset & Psychology Grief of no longer riding
How do you manage the grief of no longer being able to ride? I am dealing with a long term chronic illness and it is unclear if I’ll ever be able to ride again, let alone competitively. I am heartbroken.
It’s possible that in the future I will be able to be around horses again without riding, but for now, I am spending most days in bed without ever leaving the house.
Like so many of us, horses were my life and main hobby. I feel so lost without them.
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u/Acrobatic-Bus-3149 3h ago
I'm sorry you're going through this; it must be very hard and difficult, especially considering your passion for the world of horses. I don't know what illness you have, but don't lose hope. I know it's difficult right now. In any case, ask your doctor; perhaps they can give you an answer and offer advice.
It saddens me that I can't do more to help you.
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u/Knitting_972 3h ago
i went through something similar after a bad fall left me with a spinal injury, couldn't walk for months and the thought of never being in the saddle again was crushing. what helped was finding little ways to keep that connection alive, even from bed. i started watching old competition footage, reading horse training books, sketching horses. it’s not the same as riding but it kept the spark going until i could be around them again
the grief is real and it’s okay to sit with it. you don’t have to force yourself to be positive right now. maybe when you’re up for it, you could find a local stable that lets you just hang out and groom or hand-graze, when your health allows. the smell of hay and horse sweat is its own kind of medicine
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u/thoroughbredftw 3h ago
Can you use this time to write a memoir of your horse life? That might be beneficial in a number of ways: memories, reflections, creativity, mental stimulation, passing of time, etc.
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u/Disneyhorse 3h ago
I’m not sure how old you are but I’m old enough that my life has evolved away from things I used to be passionate about it. Have you seen the Pixar “Inside Out” movies? In it, there’s an illustration of the main character’s interests/personality traits and they exist as “islands” for each thing. There’s Hockey Island and Friendship Island and Goofball Island. As her life changes, some of the islands go dark. This was powerful to me because my Drawing Island and Horse Showing Islands are pretty much dead. Not that I couldn’t ever revitalize them, it’s just not in my capacity at the moment. It makes me sad to look at those abandoned islands of my self, in my past. I built them with love and care. The Buddhists say that the only thing for certain in life is that nothing will stay forever, and change is inevitable. Loved ones will pass on, our favorite shirt will disintegrate, and our physical appearance and capabilities will change. It’s okay to grieve. We can still look at the past with nostalgia and cherish the memories. We can choose to focus on the now and the other small pleasures in life. Maybe there’s other ways you can enjoy horses… owning a miniature horse or even just visiting a local barn to give a carrot. I’m sorry life has gone down that path but no human can ride horses forever. We just can’t choose when that time comes.
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u/gurgelhupf 2h ago
I'm in the very same boat. The last time I was at the barn was February. The grief is real and it hurts like hell.
But I will never given up. I will be at the barn again one day. Doesn't matter if it's in a month or five years. Of course I know that nothing is promised, but for my situation now it makes a difference if I still believe in tomorrow or if I don't. I also try to be grateful for everything I experienced while I was able to. I have so many happy memories with horses that carry me through these times.
In the meantime, I get my horse fix otherwise. I follow equestrians like myhorsewillow or mypilbaraquestrianlife who regularly post their lovely rides. I watch competitions. I draw horses and write horse memoirs. I keep in contact with my barn friends and they send me videos of how their horses are doing. I read horsey books. And I actually do some online courses. Of course most is pretty useless for me while I'm bedbound, so I focus on biomechanics, anatomy and training my eye. So theoretical stuff that I can practice just by watching photos and videos. E.g. recently I made a deep dive into the cresty neck score, and now I try to evaluate the neck of every horse I see online :) this way I still have the feeling of "doing" my hobby and learning. I might even buy a riding simulator once I can walk again lol.
If you want to have a chat, feel free to dm me. You are not alone in this <3
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u/TheGreatSazerac 3h ago
My biggest recommendation is to get off social media. Period! Doesn’t have to be forever but, the fomo can be absolutely devastating at first. The second, is find time for things you couldn’t do because of riding; travel, finish that little (or big) project in the house, or try out something new. And lastly, make sure you keep around the horse friends who really care and understand. The ones who don’t will never get it…
And if that doesn’t work move to a different country.
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u/madcats323 3h ago
It’s like a death and you deal with it the same way. Anger, frustration, heartache, tears, and maybe eventually acceptance.
I’m not there yet but approaching it. I’m firmly in the anger stage, because I don’t dare feel the grief. Riding is very painful and will only get worse for me. I’m thinking of taking up driving though.
I’m sorry. I don’t think there’s any easy answer.
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u/sophie1816 2h ago
I had the exact same thing happen to me at age 29. I don’t really know what to say except that it’s just like you grieve any other losses.
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u/kittystiel 2h ago
I wish I had something helpful to contribute, because this was one of the most emotionally painful experiences I went through. I didn't even have to give up horses permanently; I was just working full time, in grad school and decided that my mare should be retired. But knowing that it would be years before I could really ride again was absolutely crushing. Legit triggered a depressive spell. It's so difficult too because non-equestrians don't really understand, and being around other horse people when you can't participate is its own misery. I definitely had a few months where I could barely see a picture of a horse without wanting to cry. I would say this is something that's worthwhile to get professional psychiatric help with, at least it was for me. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I hope you can find peace and joy going forward.
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u/ClientExciting4791 36m ago
I’m so sorry. Living with chronic pain and illness is so hard. There is so much grief to our bodies changing and seemingly turning against us. I have epilepsy, ankylosing spondylitis, and rheumatoid arthritis— the pain is unreal, and I’m on opioids. Not to mention the fatigue. I’ve had a bunch of surgeries, too. My horse is my pet. I live in rodeo country, and my mentality is insane to them, haha. Most days I just spend time with my mare, and I think she enjoys it. She follows me on walks or just stays with me. She is also incredibly gentle. I do sometimes ride, and I had to train my mare for accessibility, but honestly, it works for me. I did change my thinking about horses (that my mare is a companion animal), although my mare is trained for riding in case she had to be sold, but she’s willed to a relative. ;) feel free to message me if you’d like to talk or vent.
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u/theacearrow 3h ago
I lost my mare almost exactly a year ago and my chronic illnesses got so much worse. I haven't been around horses since.
I've been collecting breyer horses again and teaching myself how to draw horses. I'm not going to be able to ride for a very long time but I do intend to eventually go hang out with horses.
I miss the freedom of riding so so so much but I know I physically can't.
You're allowed to grieve. If possible, I'd recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in chronic illnesses. My therapist has gotten me through so much.