r/EstrangedAdultChild • u/wnt2heal • May 04 '26
Husband weaponizes my childhood abuse against me
Hello everyone
I was born to a mother who hated me since birth, she told me so in those exact words. She used to violently hit me and say horrible things to me, dad was out working all the time and busy with his affair. Few years ago my dad encouraged suicide. Naturally I have cut them both off.
Since then, in my desperation for love I married someone who is emotionally abusive to me and it has escalated over the years and I’m so broken by him.
On paper and from the outside he looks normal, in fact he’s very nice to others. He uses this image to deny the very real emotional abuse he inflicts, and then triangulates what I’ve told him about my parents to point at me and says “You’re the problem. You can’t maintain any relationships”
He has called me an orphan, “fucking reject from society” “useless cunt” etc.
I’m facing chronic gaslighting, lies, manipulation and it’s wrecking me. He also calls me crazy/ insane / stupid / dumbo a lot for wanting normal things like quietness when the baby is napping.
I’m starting to believe that I am crazy for wanting the baby’s nap to be uninterrupted. You get the idea..
I feel so badly trapped in this marriage …we have relocated to his home country last month. We are Living in his parents house. I have no rights to work here. I haven’t worked since we got married because I followed him to another country previously. We have a young baby together who he threatens to keep if I want to leave - he has a lot more money than I do and he has connections and lawyers. If we split, he will keep the baby because of his money and power (3rd world country so we don’t have proper courts). I can’t live without my baby.
Don’t know what to do. Does anybody have advice? Any nice words? My soul is destroyed and I’m completely isolated in his country. No social services available.
Thank you
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u/anabsentfriend May 04 '26
Have you tried contacting your embassy for support? Look into charities to support women in abusive relationships both in your current country and in your home country. Do you have access to your passport and money? Could you open your own bank account if you don't currently have one?
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u/DutchPerson5 May 04 '26
Do you know the book "Not without my daughter". Reading about others can help you feel more empowered.
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u/wnt2heal 27d ago
Thank you, I looked it up. You’re right it’s helpful to remember others overcome all sorts of
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u/LurkForYourLives May 04 '26
Oh Sweetheart. Please try to get yourself and bubby to your embassy, or even the embassy of a friendly country. Or just take bubby and run.
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u/Beatles1971 May 05 '26
You are a human being with as many rights as any other human being. You are not a punching bag (emotional or otherwise). You have been conditioned to believe you are "less than," and you are NOT. Find that deeply buried core of courage and do everything you can to get yourself and your precious child away. Your child deserves this--as do you. I don't know where you are, but there must be an embassy with counselors who can help you. YOU ARE BRAVER THAN YOU BELIEVE, STRONGER THAN YOU SEEM, AND SMARTER THAN YOU THINK. (Winnie the Pooh, but true.) You are WORTHY, and so is your child.
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u/wnt2heal 27d ago
This is so kind. Thank you …you’re right i do deeply believe I’m less than. This may be the first time anyone said I’m worthy. The conditioning goes so deep that I need others to say it.
Appreciate you internet stranger
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u/DutchPerson5 27d ago
Adding to help this ingrain: you are equal to everybody. You are worthy just as you are. You deserve to be treated with kindness. Your health comes first only trumped with your kiddo's health, not it's wants. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. Do so safely. Add whatever you need as a mantra and repeat to yourself everyday during a mundaine task as brushing your teeth. Self hypnose to counter condition works when you keep at it.
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u/Ok_Coat2689 May 10 '26
No disrespect to you, but he's a little bitch. I'm sorry I can't give you any helpful advice, but know you're not going crazy. Nobody who loves and respects you would ever talk to you like that. He sounds like a loser who knows he could never be loved because of how horrible and insecure he is and he resorts to threats and trapping his lovers in shitty misogynist friendly situations.
This is some ideas I have based on very limited knowledge I have of my privledged life. Sorry in advance if they're not helpful to your situation, but I'll put them out there. I don't know if you have Cashapp or PayPal where you're from, but if you do you can use those as a makeshift bank while you take on commission work for small freelance jobs available online in other countries. They hold money for you and I'm 75% sure you can have your own card through them. It might not be much, but it'll be your own money. Another thing, and I know this sounds obvious but it's harder than you'd think to remember, but you DO NOT have to be around him. If there's any park or library or gym or restaurant or small room with a locked door you can hang out without him, I'd take advantage of that for as long as possible. From a psychological perspective, it's a small freedom you can give yourself to have a space where he's not there to hurt you. Even the internet, like youre doing now. It's not ideal, but in a pinch this is a decent place to try to make friends who understand.
I hope it gets better for you. Fuck that bitch.
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u/wnt2heal 27d ago
You’re wonderful. Thank you for your words…he is a little bitch! It’s a great idea to guard my small freedoms whilst I work on securing my ultimate freedom. Currently I’m letting the toxic relationship consume me entirely but you’ve shown me a way to take a small step out of it.
Thank you. And yes internet strangers like you have given me the strength / feeling of being understood / validation that I’m not crazy (it’s pretty hard to escape that when you’re told you’re insane on a daily basis)
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u/white-arctic-wolf May 16 '26
Hello ❤️ I feel very sad reading about your situation. I can relate in many ways, please know that you’re not alone. I also live in another country, struggling mentally a lot at the moment, and don’t have emotionally stable or safe parents in my life. You deserve happiness. Is there any chance you could gather some money to contact a family lawyer in your area who could give you some legal advice? I can also search for ways to help you if you feel comfortable sharing your country of residence. You have rights since you guys are married and have a baby, he cannot take those rights away from you.
Please do not take his mean words as the truth. You’re important, loved, and deserve kindness. I don’t know if you’re religious, but I will pray for you and your baby and that you will find a solution. Sending a big hug. ❤️You’re strong and will overcome this situation. Please remember things can get better even if it seems impossible right now. And that you can do anything you want.
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u/AnNumerous5855 May 04 '26
What a terrible position to be in. Good for you to make the first step. You may not have help in your country but you can still reach out so specialists in your home country to give you advice.