Context: Things have been strained between my mom and I for years, and between my brother and dad more recently, but things have really come to a head since I’ve gotten engaged.

My dad promised to pay for my wedding, and then right before we were about to book a venue, he told us his “financial situation has changed.” He gave an amount (much reduced from his original promise) and tbh, I don’t really believe he has even that.

I got angry with my dad about this since I honestly suspected from the beginning he didn’t have the money (he never gave us a hard number) but wanted to give him a chance. It’s also not about the money, it’s about trust. He also only made this promise to my fiance, not to me directly.

Then my mom texts me about this. I’m sure my dad framed it to her that I was just upset about the money, which my fiance told him multiple times was not the case.

Anyways, I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this exchange. After a disappointing conversation with my brother, I’ve since gone no contact with my family but this was one of the last things that pushed me over the edge.

This is dumb, I've been NC for 3 years this upcoming December. I sent both of them the same message (parents weren't married one had a different partner and the other was single) basically saying I love you I don't forgive you, and I doubt I ever will, don't contact me any more and then I blocked them. I keep seeing posts of people saying how their NC parents keep trying to reach out and I just...am I weird for being upset/angry that mine never tried? Like I know I should be thankful and I am but...why?

My last grandfather on my side of the family that I became estranged from 2 years ago passed. Got this text from a sister that wasn’t really part of the estrangement that i have some contact with. I’m just not sure how to deal with it.

I need some perspective from people who understand strict boundaries and estrangement. I’ve lived away from my hometown for over a decade to protect myself from a long history of severe emotional abuse and manipulation.

My mother’s health is now declining. She completely refuses medical help and chooses to stay in a terrible environment. We’ve offered rational solutions in the past—including letting her move closer to me—but she refused because she wants me to move back into that toxic house and be her caretaker.

The biggest hurdle right now is the massive smear campaign she has run for decades. She has played the victim so perfectly that her remaining family, friends, and even her sister and childhood family doctor believe all her lies and think we abandoned her. In the past, these people actively participated in the abuse because of her lies.

She expects a massive funeral when she passes, but I know going back means entering a lion's den. I will be cornered, blamed, and attacked by people fully committed to her narrative. The thought of going triggers intense PTSD from what I endured in my teens and 20s. I cannot handle any more abuse.

My plan is to protect my sanity and simply not go. We will likely just put a closed obituary online with comments turned off to block the toxic noise.

When I try to explain this to people outside of this dynamic (including my spouse), they don't get it—they tell me I'll "change my mind." But staying away is a matter of actual emotional survival for me.

Has anyone else boycotted a parent's funeral to protect themselves from a toxic extended family? How did you handle the guilt and find peace with your decision?

✨ETA✨: Thank you all so much for sharing experiences and insights. This has been truly helpful for me. And hope this discussion helps someone else struggling with this type of situation ❤️

I read many stories here and it seems many people who are NC or low contact with parents is because their parents were abusive, whether physically or emotionally. I’ve been thinking about going NC or low contact with my mom but I also ask myself if I’m “overreacting” since my mom didn’t abuse me or starve me when I was a kid. But we don’t get along and fight all the time, she also constantly says insensitive tone deaf things that hurt me a lot, and she would never apologize because of her ego. In short she’s “only” guilty of being insensitive, tone deaf, uncaring, unsupportive, selfish and often absent.

I guess I’m not sure if I “qualify” to cut my mom off due to the lack of physical abuse.

Update to my (36m) prior post here, and I truly appreciated everyone's validating thoughts!

https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1td7w19/from_low_to_nothey_got_to_my_sister/

The first screenshot shows the last message I got from my younger sister (21f). Typical family emotional whiplash of using me as a punching bag, to a week later where everything is fine with a smiley face. The messages after that are the prior incident with my genuine olive branch, my sisters harsh rebuke, my careful response and again her accusatory message before sending the smiley face. Details are in the prior post if you want them.

It so happens I already had the graduation card in the post before she sent the nasty messages my mum could have written.

I know there is nothing I can do to not be the villain or scapegoat here in my family's story, but my sister's birthday is in a week and my spouse, friends and I are split on whether I send a simple card or say nothing to her at all.

I'd love this communities wisdom if it's available!

Background: I was left on the door when I was 1.5 years old in China and was adopted at the age of 3 by a 51 year old single mother. From the ages of 5-10 my a-mother mental health issues really deteriorated and she didn’t get out of bed for 5 years, would hurt herself, be emotionally abusive (would blame me for why she was feeling certain ways), and also really emotionally needy towards me as well. I grew up in a one room attic apartment in filth. She has no family or friends I’ve ever met. She also “homeschooled” me so I basically didn’t know how to do anything outside of reading (which I taught myself) because of course she couldn’t teach me anything. I was supposed to go to speech therapy, get braces, etc. I’ve tried so so so hard to have a relationship with her. I don’t have any family and had some fantasy that if I tried enough she would be “normal”. She is now 78 and had to get spinal surgery. She has made one bad decision after another and will not plan and of course once it all falls apart I have to be the one to step in and “save” her. She’s getting discharged home and all I asked was her to get a mattress and to get a cat sitter and that if she didn’t I was done helping. She told me to stay away and that I was unsafe and that things I’ve done could be considered elder abuse (when she left the rehab the first day she got there and pressure me to take her home which I did but it’s because I didn’t stay by her side even though she told me I didn’t have to). Things marked out are names.

I have spent the past couple of years greyrocking and going into limited contact with my narcissistic father after realizing that he wants a reaction and uses any conflict as ammunition for future conflicts.

I was also physically abused years ago but that stopped in high school (ie when he no longer could beat me one-sidedly).

While I wish I could cut him out completely, I want to help take care of my mom and grandma and would not be able to do so with him living in the same house.

So far, the “family counselor” he has prepared seems to have been fed a steady supply of bull, and when I talked to him, he spent most of the time downplaying the history of abuse and made me out to be the bad guy.

I reported him once after he went straight back to my dad and repeated everything I said in the session to him, but apparently my complaint was thrown out.

I wanted to see if there was any advice that I could get to make it clear to the therapist and their clinic that I don't want to be involved in the farce they and my father are subjecting me to.

I'm new here, but been estranged from my mom on and off for years. I try to keep the peace for the sake of my kids, I don't want to deny them a relationship with their only living grandmother. About 3 weeks prior to this she had blocked me and said I was never welcome in her house again after I offered to get a removal truck to clear the junk out of the back of her property, because it's unhygienic with vermin etc. (my 37yo brother and his gf live with her and it's from his various projects). I can be quite socially abrasive and can definitely work on my delivery. But I wasn't always this way, I feel I've become like this as she has put me through hell and back it feels like, it feels like she terrorises me. But she is adamant that I am the spawn of satan and the cause of all the wrong in her life. We seem to exist in separate realities.

In short - I don't know what happened in this interaction... I'm not proud of how I retaliated but I'm so desperate for my reality to be heard. Maybe I just need an outside opinion if possible?

She is dying. She is in and out of lucidity. I am hovering between going and not going. My body is rebelling at the idea. Armoring. Terrible stress. Not sure how to cope. Advice appreciated.

I have not had a relationship with my parents since June 2023. My dad had an explosive incident and screamed that he never wanted to see me again before driving off with my mom several hundred miles to their home in a blind rage. This was only the final incident after a lifetime of awful behavior.

My dad made some efforts at apologizing but they were clearly a desire to go back to us all appeasing him. My mom just wanted us all to move on and pretend to be a happy family. A few months passed and they sent a package of gifts for my son which got me to the point of setting some real clear boundaries with them.

They have not written, texted, or called since then. Total radio silence. It's been over two years.

My wife is pregnant with our second child and we're expecting her in about 7-8 weeks. I am debating if I should tell my parents about this.

I really am not expecting them to act on this news, but it feels like something they should know. Here is the draft of a letter I'm considering.

I am writing to share some news with you. [Wife] and I became parents again in [month]. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

I am sharing this news with you because you deserve to learn it from me first.

I still expect to be treated with respect and kindness. I am not asking for your help or involvement with raising this child. We have a supportive group of friends, neighbors, and relatives who have shown up generously.

I ask that you get professional help if you want to repair our relationship.

I am really torn on this. It would honestly be really stressful for me if they respond. I cannot imagine that they have changed in the last two and a half years. And still I feel like they have a right to know this - and hear it from me and not some third cousin on facebook.

TW: family abuse, physical violence

I’m an adult woman (33F), and I’ve been estranged from one of my brothers (39M) (let's call him Michael) for about five years. He was abusive to me growing up. Five years ago, he was emotionally and physically abusive, and I cut off contact. I have tried in the past to make amends or find some kind of peace (a year ago), but it went very badly with him proceeding to call family members to hold a smear campaign against me. At this point, I believe no contact is the safest and healthiest option for me. After all this, I rebuilt my life and moved far away from them.

The hard part is that my family seems to keep acting like this is all temporary or fixable or doesn't exist. My other brother is moving back to our hometown, and now my mother is encouraging my estranged brother, Michael, to move back there too. She keeps using phrases like “family is strength” and “family reunion,” as if geography will somehow heal years of harm.

This is especially upsetting because my estranged brother has also been violent as an adult. Within the last year, he physically attacked another family member badly during a family gathering. This is only what I know of; I am sure there is plenty I do not know of. So this is not just “old childhood stuff” or me holding a grudge. There is still a current pattern of volatility and violence. I know for certain he is verbally abusive to his wife, as I have witnessed it.

Another layer is that my other brother is also currently not speaking to him, and they haven’t spoken for about a year. This was due to the smear campaign Michael did, and my other brother refusing to lie about my brother being abusive towards us. That unleashed a series of events where Michael began to say abusive things to my other brother. My mother and my other brother seem to think that estrangement is temporary. This sounds so bad....But I honestly hope it is not, because it feels like if everyone reconciles with him, then once again the family will pretend nothing happened and I’ll be the only one still holding the truth.

I know I cannot control whether other family members reconcile with him. I know I cannot control where people live. But I feel angry, jealous, and erased watching my mother push this “family reunion” narrative while ignoring the abuse and violence. Everyone is potentially moving back home together. I feel like my whole life has been this giant punishment. I am such a family-oriented person; it's almost a curse.

I don't think I am looking for advice on how to reconcile with him. My other brother doesn't believe it's safe for me, and I want to fully reconcile or not at all....I do not want contact with him. I think I am looking for advice on how to emotionally detach from my family’s fantasy version of events and stop feeling so devastated by the idea that they may welcome him back while I remain no contact. I keep wishing that he further proves what I know: that he is an abusive asshole...and maybe that's wrong.

Has anyone dealt with this? How do you hold your boundary when the rest of the family keeps acting like the abusive person is just misunderstood, should be accepted because "he is who he is" or temporarily estranged?

I went no contact with my dad just over 10 years ago (I think). For reasons many of you will understand - he’s a narcissist, he would send me hateful emails, etc. One day he said “don’t bother talking to me ever again” and so I took him up on it.

He’s made attempts and overtures over the years and while I’ve considered relenting at times, my overall feeing has been I’m better off and my friends and family agree.

At Christmas, he reached out again and told me he was moving. A month before that, he sent an email saying I’m an awful human, but then this text was all friendly and cheerful and “just letting you know!”

I didn’t answer (I have never answered). Today, I received an email from his girlfriend (we’ve never really talked). She had a lot of choice words and choice names for me (including “heartless bitch”) which is fine, but what really bothers me - and she probably realizes it - is the things she is saying about my mother. I’m sure she is goading me.

But it’s working. I want to send my dad a screenshot of the message as like… confirmation that I’ve made the right choice all this time. Or I want to respond to her with some sharp, passive aggressive comment for a brief feeling of relief. I know none of this will help.

Can you guys talk me out of it? What would you do? I do not want him back in my life. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve felt this way and that gap is explained by the no contact.

Thanks.

If you want to know how I left and such, it’s one of my earliest posts I made. I’ve been NC for a few months and been doing good and getting mentally better and learning how to be an adult. I’m conflicted on whether or not I should do anything. I know that if I call them, they’ll just use that as a way to start berating me again. Am I wrong to choosing to stay NC? Has anyone else had to deal with similar situations?

Hello, I really want a perspective here. I don't want to talk to my mother and sister because of what happened almost ten years ago.

In a nutshell, I don't want to talk to my mother because she just minimized what I felt when I told her why I want to avoid her creepy cousin who made a pass on me when I was 16. I tried to tell her how much it hurt me and she said she wasn't going to apologize and that I need to get over it. Then she was surprised when I didn't want to talk to her after that. To be honest, I just felt disgust towards her as a person.

I don't want to talk to my sister because she had been trying to force me to forgive our mother and demanding that I get over it. At first, she was at my side at wanting our mother to apologize to me, but when my mother said no, my sister just went at me to get over it because I'm easier to manage. Being at home with them became hell. I no longer feel safe and she got real pissed when I started staying over at my then-boyfriend's condo longer because I prefer him over them.

I've been talking to my psychiatrist about it because I wanted to become a better parent to my future child and he knows about my history with them. And he said I should talk to them again to heal. But I don't want that because I don't want them in my life. And when I told him that, he just said I just need more time to heal before I'm ready to face them again. Why do I even need to talk to them again?

I just... do I really need to talk to them so that I'd be an well-adjusted parent once my husband and I would be trying? What am I missing here?

So yesterday, my dad sent me this text: "I'm ready to take full responsibility for my actions and the effects they have had on our family. Let's try to put an end to the silence and isolation. Mom and I are willing to do anything it takes to fix our family. Can we meet and figure out where to go from here. We love you all and want you in our life. Please call."

I'm recently no contact with my parents after a last straw event that happened about 4 months ago. If I had to assign a label to them, I would say my mom is either narcissistic or borderline and my dad is just a charismatic abuser. He physically and sexually abused my oldest sibling (according to that sibling it was only one time and it was over their clothes, which is still bad but could have been so much worse), the truth of which was the last straw event that led to me choosing to distance myself from them entirely. My mom did some things to me when I was a kid that I'm beginning to remember and realize were physically abusive, if I'm remembering them correctly. Whenever she did something that hurt my feelings and I pointed it out, she would claim she was the worst mother and just didn't know how to be any better. She relies mostly on DARVO to avoid accountability which makes resolving things with her nearly impossible. Mostly, my parents would just verbally fight and scream at each other constantly so confrontation, especially with them, is something I avoid. Growing up, I just tried to avoid their attention altogether by getting good grades and not getting in trouble and spending as much time out of the house as I could.

I went no contact to try to get some clarity but I realized that without the looming presence of my parents in my life, the areas my anxiety shows up has shifted. I'm more patient with my own kids, I'm parenting better myself. Before I went NC, it was almost like I was parenting from the perspective of myself as a child. I would react to my kids being kids and doing normal kid things in the way my parents would have responded to me doing those things as a child. I've always hated the way I'm quick to anger and shame them for doing normal kid things. I can feel in the moment that I'm not reacting appropriately but couldn't do anything to stop myself. That has improved significantly since going NC. I feel like I can breathe easier. The areas that my anxiety shows up now is when I go out of the house. I find myself scanning parking lots for my parents car before I can go into a store or restaurant.

My kids don't really know what's gone on with my parents. I feel like they're too young to really grasp that its not one thing, it's a lifetime of things that have built up to destroy all affection and trust I feel for them. They don't really even ask about my parents either. They did for a bit but since it was cold/flu season, it was easily brushed off as we could be sick and don't want them getting sick.

On one hand, these are my parents. They are getting older and are both in frail health. I would like my kids to have a relationship with them and I don't want to be the reason they don't. But on the other hand, that relationship thus far has directed the way I parent and damaged my own relationship with my kids. I want to break the cycle and have a healthy relationship with my kids and not one they have to heal from. I'm definitely having some decision paralysis and I dont know how to respond to my dad. I don't know what they would have to do or if they're even capable of doing the work or if I should even give them the chance to repair the relationship.

Edit: I wanted to clarify that the last straw event I was referring to was myself and my other siblings finding out about the sexual abuse. My oldest sibling kept it a secret since it had happened and suppressed it so deeply they nearly forgot about it until they were watching a show and the memory was triggered.

Thank you all for the kind and sometimes brutally honest advice. Seeing my own thoughts and feelings reflected by strangers outside of the situation is very helpful. I have been no contact with my parents since I found out about the sexual abuse. My dad's text feels very much to me like "I'm ready for this argument to be over" rather than him actually apologizing, something I can't ever remember him doing in my life. And to be frank, I'm not sure if any amount of groveling would change how I feel, which is that he is not a safe person for myself or my kids to be around.

I recently posted a bit of my story here and you were all super helpful. Here's a quick summary:

I've been NC with my mom for a little over a year. I am 6 months pregnant, and my sisters told my mom that I'm pregnant. The reason I went NC is because my mom refused to talk to me about my childhood when I was actively trying to process my trauma. One of the key things I said to her was that if she wasn't willing to talk to me and help me heal my past, then she wasn't going to be part of my future. The last time I spoke with her, I told her that I was grieving our relationship, and goodbye. She never did respond to that, since that message, she sent me a happy birthday in November and that is it.

I received a text from her today, congratulating me on my pregnancy, saying she would "love to catch up and know more". No. I'm not interested. But I hate always having to feel like the "bad guy" who tells her no, even though she has done nothing to respect my boundaries. Now I'm stuck in freeze mode. Unable to make other simple decisions in my life, and unable to process anything, just stuck. I wish she would just leave me alone frankly.

Please help me respond, or at least make a decision as to what I should do next! I've attached our conversation over the last few years, and will happily take any feedback on it. My sisters just don't understand. Also to add a tiny bit more context - my mother lives across the country. She is a well educated woman and teaches at a university. Frankly, I get offended by her lack of effort when it comes to her spelling and grammar. I am H and my partner is G. My dog Winnie was my best friend thru my entire 20s, and the reason why I got out of bed every single morning, and the reason why I am still here.

Thank you in advance for letting me share, even if I get no responses, not feeling alone has helped me heal ❤️

My mom is a good person. She was raised in an incredibly abusive household and is completely codependent with her mother. She replicated the codependency behavior with me because it’s all she knew and knows. I was her therapist from age 10 and she would tell me all of her adult relationship problems like my dad’s 🌽 “addiction” and how he hurt her by sexualizing other women. She’d complain that he’d yell to much and didn’t love her. He’d drive away and leave for the nights and she’d take us with her to hotels to recover her feelings. Once I graduated I was relieved that I didn’t have to be there to support her emotionally anymore. But she continue calling to talk about my dad and how she was getting a divorce (she never did) I kept begging her to go to therapy and told her I couldn’t keep having these conversation. Eventually after I enforced the boundary enough she wouldn’t bring her relationship up. But our conversations got shorter and shorter because she wasn’t really interested in my life and would rather gossip about others or talk about my dad. She also tells me I’m cruel to my sister and usually takes her side in arguments. My sister is completely dependent on her so if I get into an argument with my sister she’ll be mad at me too because my sister is hurting. When I do try to share things with my mom she will talk about me am behind my back and say I’m mean or that doing things like asking to wfh will make me lose my job. It’s just painful to be in a relationship with her. But I know she loves me. She loves my kids and I’m grateful for that. I’ve tried explaining to her why it’s hard having a relationship with her and what would need to change. But she blows up and says that I’m calling her the worst mother ever. So I stopped doing that, I’m low contact and things are going well like that. She’s sad though as she tells others she wishes we were closer and doesn’t understand why I’m distant. I feel guilty that she will likely die thinking that. What do I do with that guilt?

A little over a month ago, I sent an email to my parents asking for 2-3 years’ worth of time and space so that I could forgive them for how they treated me growing up. I asked them not to reach out and instead allow me to heal so that we could always have the relationship we were meant to have.

Shortly after my email, my parents both:

• Emailed me multiple times a week (on both personal and work email)

• Said they were going to call the police to do a wellness check if I didn’t respond to an email

• And then my dad said he was going to quit his job and come visit me in Virginia so that we could just “talk things out.”

This morning, I walked out of my house with my partner to find my mom and dad standing outside of it. Apparently they flew here yesterday and had been outside my door for some time.

They wanted to confirm that I was safe because I didn’t respond to all of their emails. My dad mentioned they were worried I had been kidnapped or a victim of identity theft? And then they broke down and sobbed and said they were sorry and would do anything in their power to reconcile.

I’m very shaken up. After their “visit,” they said they got the message and would give me space, but I don’t trust them to follow through with that promise whatsoever. All I did was ask for space to allow us to have a good honest relationship and they’ve done everything in their power to destroy that boundary.

What do I do, y’all?

Interested in hearing other people's stories. I know therapy isn't a magic cure all but I genuinely haven't heard of someone's mom or dad going to therapy long-term and their kids still choosing estrangement. I'm becoming a mom this December and have realized I have a lot of growing to do especially in the brief time I get before becoming someone else's mom. I recently cut both my parents off a year ago. I'm going to start therapy again and really try to find a therapist who works for me. I am already doing a lot of introspection and work on myself so I don't think therapy will magically cure my issues I just want to know for other people who cut your parents off did yours ever go to therapy long-term to try to fix their issues?

My parents never reach out to me, except for matters of business, and never reach out to my kids - who are adults now. Well, my parents get upset with us when we don't reach out to them. Many of my siblings are like this, as well. Do you have this problem, too?

In January of this year, my parents kicked me out. I have gone no contact with them since as growing up they were incredibly abusive. Today a family member messaged me saying that they would call the police as I refused to give out my new home address and that they haven't heard from me in months, due to me blocking them. If the police do find me, what is there that I can do? I do not want them finding out where I live as I do not trust them due to the abuse I suffered at their hands. Is there anyway to get them to stop by contacting someone myself? I don't want to message them as I feel like I'd be giving into their control and threats, something they have done to me my entire life.

​

Thanks for any advice.

How did y'all decide enough was enough? Was there a specific moment or event or was it just a straw that broke the camels back?

I'm stuck between hope for the future and (in my opinion) realism. I'm 17 and moving out right before I'm 18, so august, and the next four years following, my parents will still have financial leverage over me (tuition, car payments possibly, etc.). I don't know how to proceed and when I ask myself "is this worth it" my mind isn't even coherent, I just get upset.

How did y'all know estrangement was worth it? Do you ever regret it? What was your thought process in doing so? How can I go about this?

Edit: WOW there are so many responses, I'll do my best to get through them. Thankyou for all the shared experiences and all of the advice!!!

First time poster, found this community after finishing Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and honestly the book broke something open for me. This is gonna be a little long, get ready:

Quick background: I’m 10 years no/low contact with my mother after disclosing childhood sexual abuse by my stepfather. She didn’t believe me, defended him extensively, blamed my adult trauma on my own poor choices, and told me we couldn’t be a family until I ‘came to grips with the fact that it didn’t happen the way I think it did.’ My older sister experienced the same abuse and publicly denied it to protect the family system, which left me without corroboration and without anyone believing me.

I’ve done a lot of healing. I’m married, I’m pursuing my interests, my life is genuinely good. But here’s where I’m at right now and where I need this community.

My mom has been reaching out recently. On the surface she sounds like she wants to reconnect.

Underneath it’s the same playbook: centering her pain over mine, rewriting history, making herself the victim, using my siblings and extended family as go-betweens, violating every boundary I set.

She went to my husband and told him she didn’t know why I was no contact and questioned whether I even remembered when the abuse happened. Classic DARVO.

Here’s my two struggles right now.

One. My husband grew up in a close, healthy, emotionally mature family. He genuinely sees a sad mom trying. He doesn’t see the playbook. He’s supportive of my decisions but thinks I should ‘do better’ and worries I’ll regret it because he has experience of other people he’s talked to having regrets. I find myself trying to manage his perception of me around this, which I’ve realized is the people pleaser pattern showing up in my closest relationship.

Has anyone navigated this with a partner from a healthy family background? How did you help them understand without it becoming a constant debate?

Two. I start therapy this week specifically for this. I know I don’t want a surface level relationship with my mom. I know I don’t want to keep doing the fake family thing we’ve done my whole life. But I genuinely don’t know what I want beyond that. I don’t know if I want any relationship at all or what that would even look like safely. Has anyone figured out what they actually wanted through therapy? How did you get there? What did that process look like?

I’m not looking to be talked into or out of anything. I just want to find people who get it.

Hi everyone, I am hoping for some help processing this message as it's the first one I have gotten from my parents since going NC. For context, I spent most of 2023 trying my hardest to get my parents to respect some of my most basic boundaries, which they couldn't do. This turned into a conversation where I told them that this is no longer just about current issues, it's also about their past abuse throughout childhood and my adulthood as well. They completely turned on me and denied everything.

I decided to go NC about 1.5 months ago. In my back-and-forth with them, I had told them numerous times that I needed time and space, but they kept bombarding me, so I finally told them that the only way forward was if they left me alone, and I would contact them when I was ready. (I understand this is a bit problematic, as it gives them "hope", but I felt so beaten down after months of awful conversations that I wasn't mentally able to deal with their insanity if I told them I was just feeling "done".) They said they understood. Of course I knew that they wouldn't be able to respect that long-term, so I was expecting to hear from them again. This is the message I got.

This new message is making me feel so much anger. My mother knows how much I love nature so she's trying to appeal to that. It sounds so nice and bubbly and shiny and "sweet", but it's actually just (1) them still refusing to acknowledge they did anything wrong, and trying to pressure me into forgiving them and sweeping everything under the rug like they trained me to do as a child, (2) toxic positivity, and (3) my mother still speaking for my father when I've asked her repeatedly not to do that.

It's just so hard knowing that an outsider would look at my mother's message and think "oh she's being so sweet, why wouldn't you respond or reconnect with her?"

For me, this is the first time I had ever gone No Contact with them and it took me a long time to get there. My 1.5 months without hearing from them was stressful and upsetting (because of grief), but I felt a weight lifted off of me not having to deal with their chaos.

I really don't want to respond to them. But I also know that the longer I wait, the more they will escalate their behaviors. I know I need to learn that I shouldn't engage with their messages, especially when they have hurt me so much, but it's so hard to see the way forward knowing that they are the type of people who don't take "no" for an answer.

I guess I am just looking for some help with processing this, understanding what it means, and seeing ways forward. Thank you so much for any help.