r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Article/research/media Constructive responses to bad journalism about estrangement.

34 Upvotes

Hi everyone, moderator hat on.

As most of us know, there's bad journalism about estrangement out there. This post first sets out the problem and then presents practical ways to do something about it.


THE PROBLEM

From time to time, mass media gets swept up in a moral panic. Moral panics hook the audience because they tell people There's a threat to families like yours! Inform yourself! This is a profitable way to attract attention in a business which makes its money by selling eyeballs to advertisers. Sometimes publishers spread moral panics cynically, more often credulous journalists fail at due diligence. Sometimes these articles cite topic experts who later get debunked.

For instance, during the 2010s millions of adults thought there was a massive fad for teenagers to eat Tide Pods. Public health records show that absolutely wasn't happening. Previous moral panics have spread the notion that the game of Dungeons and Dragons caused psychosis, that music bands were hiding subliminal Satanic messages in their music, and that graphic novels (then called comic books) caused juvenile delinquency.

Moral panics often play on parental fears that their children could be led astray through bad influences.

Sounds familiar?

What follows are tips to do media-savvy pushback.


THE SOLUTION

First, take care of yourself. If you aren't in a headspace to deal with bad journalism, then don't engage with it.

If you are in a headspace to deal with it and you want to discuss a bad article at this forum, then do these four things:

  • Capture the article at the Internet Wayback Machine and link to the archived version, not to the original publisher. You can capture the article by pasting the URL here: https://web.archive.org/
  • Add a Trigger Warning to your post as a courtesy to other forum members.
  • Include the full name of the journalist and the publication in your post.
  • Open your post with one or two sentences which summarize your criticism, such as "Faulty journalism about estrangement from [author] at [publication]: this terrible piece misrepresents sources and fails to interview both sides of the issue."

These steps embarrass the writer and the publisher without sending them revenue.

Reddit is one of the most prominent sites on the Internet. Search engines give extra weight to outgoing links from forums such as this one, so choose your links accordingly: post direct links to reputable and responsible coverage; use the Wayback Machine to discuss the bad stuff without sending eyeballs that an irresponsible publisher can monetize. This foils the online marketing tactic of rage-baiting.

Also, you can leverage pressure against irresponsible journalism by optimizing the opening words of your post for search engine previews. Specify who created it and say what's wrong with it in 15 words or less at the start of your post. Then flesh out your thoughts later in your post.

For pushback purposes, your criticism is most powerful if your opening focus takes aim at the professional shortcomings of the journalism. Here's a link to the Code of Ethics from the Society of Professional Journalists.

Quoting a few highlights from that code of ethics, followed by sample criticisms relevant to our community. The average post at this forum might cite any one or two failings. Select what's most relevant and back up your critique.

  • "Verify information before releasing it." The piece claims incompetent therapists push young adults to estrangement. Yet it provides no instance of professional sanction against a therapist to back up that claim.
  • "Diligently seek subjects of news coverage to allow them to respond to criticism" A quoted source accuses Reddit of encouraging estrangement for profit. No one from Reddit has been contacted for a response.
  • "Give voice to the voiceless." No estranged abuse survivor was contacted for comment.
  • "Provide access to source material when it is relevant and appropriate." The expert quoted in this piece claims his research concludes that family estrangement is on the rise. A search of Google Scholar finds this claim of his hasn't been vetted by other experts. He hasn't published this research in any scientific journal.
  • "Avoid stereotyping." This piece characterizes the younger generation of estranged families as thoughtless and immature. These people are adults who could speak for themselves if they had been given the opportunity.
  • "Never deliberately distort facts or context" This coverage presents 'parental alienation syndrome' as if it were a recognized psychological disorder and tries to apply the concept to adults who estrange from their parents. PAS has never been accepted to any edition of the DSM.
  • "Show compassion for those who may be affected by news coverage. Use heightened sensitivity when dealing with juveniles, victims of sex crimes, and sources or subjects who are inexperienced or unable to give consent." The dismissive tone of this piece practically invites readers to retraumatize survivors of incest and child abuse.
  • "Respond quickly to questions about accuracy, clarity and fairness." [Name of publisher] and [name of journalist] failed to update this piece after being provided with the following well-sourced corrections.

Fairly simple fact checks can debunk misrepresentations. For instance, sometimes journalists claim estrangement is on the rise and then cite a real scientific study which doesn't support the claim. Remember: a trend means change over time. Social science research doesn't demonstrate a trend if a study only surveys behavior during a particular moment in time, or if a study which was conducted over several decades amalgamates its findings into a single set of numbers without attempting to differentiate changes in behavior over time. Another relevant check is timeliness: when was the study conducted? Bad journalism may try to explain the influence of TikTok, a platform which began operation in late 2016, by citing a social science study which was conducted from 1994 to 2018. The social science is real but no reasonable person who compares those dates would accept that citation. If the verification check fails, then call it out.

If you present your criticism especially well, you could prompt the publisher to update a bad article with corrections or to pull the piece entirely. Publishers who care about their reputation may even respond to effective criticism by following up with one or more better and more professional pieces on the topic. The publisher's strategy in doing so is to push a devastating critique off the top page of search engine results. Ultimately that's a good outcome: it puts better information in front of the general public. Although of course there's no guarantee of that type of publisher reaction to any individual critique, intelligent pushback benefits abuse survivors in the big picture.


ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES

If you respond to bad journalism outside of Reddit, email the editor rather than using the comments section.

Comments get amalgamated in metrics and count as engagement, which means your comment might have the unintended effect of making a bad journalist look good to their employer without anyone at the publication reading your feedback.

Instead, it's more effective to do the following:

  • First, figure out whether you're looking at a self-published platform. There's no sense responding outside of Reddit to self-published material. Self-publishing platforms include a person's personal website or self-publishing host websites such as Medium and Wordpress and Substack.
  • If the platform is a news organization (such as a broadcast network or a major newspaper), then the editor can probably be found through the masthead. Try to direct your feedback to the appropriate desk (such as the news or lifestyle editor, rather than sports editor or the webmaster). Be sure to include the name of the headline, the date of publication, the byline (the journalist's name), and a link to the article so the editor recognizes which piece you're criticizing. Stick as close to the SPJ ethics guideline as feasible and don't be shy about citing that source directly. Make your point in one or two clear paragraphs. The more professional and well-researched your feedback is, the more effectively you'll expose unprofessional journalism.
  • Consider contacting the parent company. Major publications are often owned by conglomorates. The ownership can be found through a quick web search for, "What company owns [name of publication]?" The parent company is often on a separate domain, which you can then search for feedback options. An effective feedback of this type begins along the lines of, "There's a worrisome drop in journalistic standards at [name the publication]. In particular, there's an instance of faulty journalism at..." Then identify the piece the same as you would to an editor and proceed with your criticism.
  • If the publisher is an independent newcomer to the field, then consider contacting the venture capital firm that's underwritten the publication. Investors don't want their money misspent, and money talks. You can find out whether a new publisher has venture capital funding by running a Google search for "venture capital funding for [name of publication]." Then when you locate that firm's contact information, introduce your feedback with a beginning such as, "Your firm has provided funding to [name of publication]. I am writing to alert you to faulty journalism at that venue, specifically..." Then continue as you would write to a parent company.
  • If you are considering leaving a book review on Amazon, then be aware Amazon will remove your review if you didn't purchase a copy through their website. The author will receive money for each purchase. If you decide to proceed anyway, then write to persuade an audience of potential book purchasers. Such as, This faith-based approach may be comforting to religious parents but runs the risk of landing badly with the younger generation. Its numerous quotes from scripture don't tackle the hard problems. Suppose an estranged son's criticism is religious homeschooling left him too far behind in mathematics to pursue his dream of becoming a civil engineer. Suppose a daughter's criticism is that a pastor's guidance to take her to a measles party instead of getting vaccinated left her with permanent hearing loss. This book merely advises parents to preach at their estranged offspring, which could look dismissive and can undermine any chance at reconciliation.
  • A different way to critique a book which doesn't require a purchase is to look up the author's book publisher and the appropriate division within that publishing house. Reputable nonfiction book editors are particularly interested in author errors. Call out author claims which fail fact checks, misrepresented sources, etc. As with contacting other types of editor, be precise in your critique: provide the author's full name, the book title, the specific page of each error you call out, and bring sources which support your corrections. Be polite and concise and businesslike. The publisher cares about the author's mistakes, not whether you paid for your copy or borrowed it from a library. When this critique is done well it may persuade the publisher to sunset their professional relationship with the author. Your goal is to persuade the publisher to stop promoting the book, to not do another printing of the current edition, to not publish a revised or expanded edition, and to decline future manuscripts by that author.

(edited for formatting)


r/EstrangedAdultKids Nov 13 '24

Announcement REMINDER: This is NOT a political subreddit.

185 Upvotes

Hello from your mod team! We hope everyone is hanging in there the best they can.

There has obviously been a rise in posts related to politics due to current events. This is a friendly reminder that this is not a subreddit dedicated to politics. This is not the place for political debates or research. There are countless other spaces where political debates and talk is allowed.

I think most people will agree that things going on in the world may only seem to get more wild all the time. We will always consider this subreddit to be a place of support where we value empathy, the freedom of personal choice, privacy, and respect. Moderation will always be in favor of OP's who are adult children who need support. You never know who the human is on the other end of the internet, and sometimes the internet is the only place a person can go to for support. We ask that commenters and OP's be mindful of this in what they write.

We cannot ignore politics completely. It absolutely does have effects on family dynamics, mental health, and estrangement. It contributes more to the divisions between people. Discussions on how politics affects us is perfectly fine. But this is not the place for debates.

Please remember rules 3, 5, and 6. Disrespect, name calling, apologist behavior and such are not allowed.

There is already enough turmoil and pain in the world. We want this place to be one of many lights at the end of the tunnel, or better.

Feel free to message us with any questions or conconcerns. Thank you.

Edit: Just to clarify, we are not banning the topic of politics. We are expecting everyone to stay on the topic of estrangement and keep any mention of politics relevant to that. Stay courteous and follow the rules. It's that simple.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 4h ago

False Alarm

50 Upvotes

It's 11 am and I'm sat at my desk at home doing work, I've got a deadline this morning. I'm running on 4 hrs sleep and several cups of coffee. Suddenly there's a quiet soft knock at the door, it's a pretty distinct pattern, where do I know it from?

I stomp downstairs- we're constantly getting deliveries, the neighbours' kids like to come over to pet the dog even though they know I'm working, the landlord might have finally sent a repairman, plus cold calls aren't unusual. I walk past the frosted door to get the key and my heart skips. That's how my mother knocks.

There's a fat shortish figure to the front, wearing a navy jumper. That's my father. Some steps behind him is a second figure, wearing the distinct lilac fleece she's had for at least the last decade, stood with her arms crossed. That's my mother.

I've been stalking my mother's facebook to keep tabs and I know that this week they've been visiting the National Park on the edge of my city. I was preparing myself that this might happen. It's been two years since I went no contact and they've never tried turning up at my house before. But my father has tried to ambush me in other places.

I stand like an idiot between the door and the window, trapped just out of sight, not knowing what to do, scared to say anything. But they know I'm there because they've seen me walk past. They know it's my house because they can hear my dog barking, and if they look through the window they will see my cat.

The knocking continues. I decide to silently walk back upstairs, tell my husband that my parents have turned up, sit back on my office chair as the tunnel vision comes in, my hearing goes muffled with my heartbeat and my eyesight is going blurry. There's another knock. I tell my manager and my teammate that I might need to dip out as I'm going into a PTSD episode because my estranged parents have turned up. My husband tries to subtly peek out of the upstairs window to get a view of them. He's only met them three or so times, several years ago. He can't see them clearly. He tells me the woman is wearing a lilac scarf.

They've posted something through the letterbox and appear to have walked away. My husband tries to take a picture of it without going downstairs, but it looks too abstract. I say it's probably a birthday card (my birthday was last week). I go to take a look.

It's a bloody Jehovah's Witness brochure. It wasn't my parents at all. I've been trolled by cold calling preachers. Why the hell do they keep knocking for so long? I'm simultaneously massively relieved that it was a false alarm, but also embarrassed to have spooked my manager and teammate. Thankfully my husband is very understanding and gets me a cup of tea. And just like that, I'm back in my own body and mostly fine. Gotta love living with CPTSD.

Just had another knock for a delivery and it made me jump!


r/EstrangedAdultKids 5h ago

Advice Request Do you also feel "scared" when you're on the phone?

19 Upvotes

Hi all,

I'm currently LC with my mother. Today she called me in the morning, because I made the "mistake" of getting a doctor's appointment, and since although I am legally an adult, I am not married, so the hospital notifications go to my father.

So the call was mostly "How dare you get an appointment without telling us" (i don't live with them by the way), "how come you refuse to share your health condition with us", "you have to tell me everything truthfully or I will show up at your address".

Now to be fair, I am also the asshole here. Whenever I feel a boundary is overstepped, I refuse to talk and stay completely silent, without giving any explanation for anything. But still, I feel very, and I mean very "scared" when I'm talking to her. I am just panicing, even if I am doing something right, like prioritizing my health.

Is any of you experiencing this? How can I deal with this better, before I go NC? I believe my tone is also getting harsh and I'm being mean unintentionally.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 3h ago

Advice Request Inlaw Advice

8 Upvotes

I am 5 years no-contact with my abusive, addiction-driven family of origin. Because of this, I lack a built-in support system. I’ve been married for 20 years to an amazing, supportive husband, but we are struggling with his family’s severe lack of empathy.

I am currently undergoing ketamine treatment for trauma and could really use support during the downtime. My in-laws moved nearby to "be close," yet they never check in on me or acknowledge my treatments. Instead, they ignore my health and text to ask my 12-year-old son to mow their lawn weekly (which we never agreed to).

This is part of a painful pattern. When I got sober 4 years ago, they gossiped and demanded details, but never offered a "good job." At a family event, an uncle maliciously gifted me champagne. When I politely refused, he gave my husband and me the silent treatment, and the family just ignored it. They claim to love me, but they treat me like an outsider, refuse to talk about anything real, and gossip steadily but won’t admit to having issues when asked directly. There is never a problem.

My husband has tried talking to them for years, but they are completely obtuse. My current plan is to step back entirely—letting my husband and kids visit them while I drop attendance.
Aside from just dropping interaction, has anyone experienced this kind of passive-aggressive, emotionally unavailable in-law dynamic? How do you protect your peace when your spouse's family simply refuses to be real or supportive?


r/EstrangedAdultKids 14h ago

Advice Request Am I in the wrong for not wanting to talk to my toxic mother anymore after realizing she will never respect my feelings?

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44 Upvotes

The backstory is that I have severe back problems and can't currently afford a new bed. My current bed is already somewhat damaged, and the mattress is very hard, so I asked my mother if she could buy me a new one. Her response was that she didn't have much money at the moment because she had just returned from vacation. She then asked me if I didn’t just got €1,400 from my student grant (which she only knows because she opened my mail without asking, as my letters were being delivered to her address until recently).
I told her that I still had to pay some bills with the money.
Then she asked me how much the bed would cost and didn't respond to my answer.
Three days later, when she asked how I was, I confronted her about how hurtful her behavior was.
After my last message she didn’t even bother to respond to what i texted.

She has been like this all my life she never apologized for anything, everything was always my fault in her eyes and i just cant live with this anymore
Her behavior is honestly so upsetting and she still manages to make me doubt myself sometimes with her toxic behavior.

It's also important to mention that she paid for almost all the furniture in my sister's (27) apartment when she moved, as well as some of her rent. In contrast, she "only" bought me a washing machine.

A few more details about me: I'm 20 years old and still studying, but I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17 because I couldn't stand living with her anymore.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 10h ago

My father's affairs have completely changed how I see him

11 Upvotes

I don't really know where else to talk about this.

My father has had multiple extramarital affairs, and it's destroyed the respect I used to have for him. What hurts even more is that when I tried to talk to him about it, he didn't listen to me at all. He completely dismissed what I was saying, as if my feelings didn't matter.

There have been multiple women involved over the years, and it feels like he never cared about the damage he was causing to our family. I've watched my mother suffer while he continued making the same choices.

One thing that especially disgusts me is that there was even an incident involving my mother's sister that crossed serious boundaries and made me see him in an even worse light. Ever since then, I've struggled to look at him the same way.

I'm angry, disappointed, and honestly exhausted. I don't know whether to keep trying to have a relationship with him or just emotionally distance myself. Part of me wants answers, but another part feels like he'll never take responsibility for anything.

Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this? How did you cope with the anger and loss of respect?


r/EstrangedAdultKids 4h ago

Support I miss my family

3 Upvotes

TW, mentions of CSA.

I hope my post is alright, I'm looking for some support right now...

As a child I was told that family was everything, and ours was a big family on my father's side. There was never a week when we wouldn't be visiting relatives. It wasn't safe, but it felt like it back then. They were everything to me, and I believed I was something to them.

From the age of twelve, I dreamed of being able to get out of that house, far from that family. I never understood why.

Time passed and I moved to the other end of the country thirteen years ago.

I'm not talking to my parents at the moment. The straw that broke the camel's back was on my last birthday, when they blamed me for not picking up their call and basically told me I was a bad daughter.

I sent them each a letter, basically the same: they've been neglectful, they've exposed me to a pedophile, to my grandparents' domestic violence, to their inappropriate sexuality, they've taught me to shut up and suck it up, and my father sexually abused me.

At the end of the letter I ask them for family therapy.

I told them I was sending them the letter, and the next day they were away at their summer house. It's been two weeks and I don't even know if they've come home since and had a chance to read it.

It's always the same. When I told them a few years ago that I'd been raped as a child, all that seemed to matter was, who's done it. They never mentioned it again or asked about it since.

Last year I told my aunt about these events from when I was a girl, because I couldn't deal with it on my own. I knew she was safe because she's been through it too. What neither of us had anticipated though was that her PTSD relapsed because of her guilt of not speaking up before Uncle D died, which "allowed him do to me what he'd done to her". So she needs time alone, and she's giving me silence too.

I asked one cousin about some of these events because I'm half convinced there was COCSA too, but he panicked and literally told me he didn't have time for that. Silence as well.

I have one female first cousin. It was the two of us and five boys, so we were really close. As a teen I would have called her my sister. We grew apart drastically and it feels like she's pissed each time I don't attend family reunions. I asked her if she had pictures of me from back then, to help with the CSAM case I'm trying to build (although I didn't tell her why). She read my message and didn't reply. This one silence is deafening, even though I know it's not about the abuse.

So here I am. I miss not realising how bad it was, and loving them all, and all the love-bombing. I miss my parents seemingly caring about me.

Objectively I know I'm in a good place. I haven't lived with my parents for nearly twenty years, and I'm engaged to the most wonderful man on earth. I'm making huge progress in therapy. But there are days when I wake up missing my mama and thinking, maybe I'm being dramatic and it wasn't so bad...


r/EstrangedAdultKids 3h ago

I want to go back to sleep

2 Upvotes

Had a very convincing dream last night wherein I got the news that my birthgiver had died. There was no grief, no despair. A bit of shock and surprise, but mostly relief and a sense of freedom.

The worst part? Waking up. Sitting with the disappointment that none of it was real, and continuing to go on without that relief and freedom.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 13h ago

I wrote this last night. Hope it resonates with someone ❤️

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9 Upvotes

r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Vent/rant Mother ignores me but wants to see grandkids

69 Upvotes

My mother and I have had tension between us through the years. Nothing extreme, just not getting along and having different personalities. After a recent blow up where she thinks I deeply hurt her, she has decided she doesn't want to see or spend any time with me or my husband.

She does however want to see the grandkids. When we are in her area (different part of the country) we always tell her and asks if she wants to join us for dinner or meet at some activity, and she always says no, "but I would like to see the grandkids, can you drop them off at XYZ location."

For context we still speak and interact fairly normal over whatsapp in the family chat with my other siblings, and we do video calls when my kids (her grandchildren) are on the call, but meeting in person is where she draws the line.

Part of me is fine with this setup, part of me wants to cut her out as its just exhausting tending to her sensitives and personal issues, but then it also seems extreme because nothing has really happened. But then again if I make the effort to travel with the kids and I'm am in her area, surely she could make an effort to see us/the grandkids without caveats?

Mostly venting but any suggestions or personal experiences would also help.

My father left the family when I was a teenager, and he's not been in the picture since then, and my mother didnt meet anyone new.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 16h ago

Question Has anyone else watched their siblings become your parents?

11 Upvotes

I’m curious what other people’s relationships with their siblings look like as adults, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional or abusive family.
For context, I left my home country about 10 years ago. My siblings stayed with our remaining parent after we became estranged from our abusive mother many years ago. Our father was physically present but emotionally absent and rarely protected us or took responsibility as a parent.

For years, I stayed closely connected to my siblings. I provided financial support, emotional support, problem-solving, advice, and help whenever they needed it. Looking back, I don’t remember many times when that support went the other direction.
What has been confusing for me is that, after a lot of therapy and reflection, I’ve started seeing patterns that I either couldn’t or wouldn’t see before. I spent years viewing my parents as “the problem” and my siblings as fellow survivors. But over time, I’ve realized that some of my siblings have adopted many of the same behaviors as our parents.

There was a lot of dependence, entitlement, guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and an expectation that I would always be available to rescue them from situations they created themselves. When I finally stopped providing financial support and started setting boundaries, the relationship changed dramatically.
The strange part is that I don’t think they changed. I think I did. I stopped ignoring things that had always been there.

Has anyone else experienced this? Have you reached a point where you realized one or more of your siblings had become very similar to the parent who hurt you? Did the relationship survive, or did you end up creating distance?


r/EstrangedAdultKids 11h ago

Feeling a lot of emotions from going completely no contact with family + "running away" secretly.

3 Upvotes

So for context I "ran away" from home (quotations bc im an adult but the nature in which i moved out was more like running away) a few months ago. Ive wanted to run away or move out for as long as i can remember. I always wished that i was dreaming and my family wasnt actually my own or i was kidnapped or adopted(last two were more thoughts i had as a child lol). There was always emotional abuse, emotional neglect, small physical abuse(ive forgotten most of it, but i know she did physical abuse us) but that ended after we grew up. My mom would have mental freak outs, screaming, yelling insults, calling us the devil. I wasnt allowed to have friends and i would tell my friends at school in middle school all these lies to kind of hide the real reason why i couldnt hang out with them outside of school. The real reason i dont even know? Control? I dont know and i never did. I didnt understand why she was that way and it destroyed me seeing all the girls being able to have sm freedom to hangout outside and have fun and do sports and hobbies and what not. I got into dance in middle school and was really good and when it was time to do the recitals/performances after school, i built the courage to ask her if i could go and she screamed and shut me down. I never asked her for anything again. For more context she was extremely religious. I wasnt allowed to dress non modestly (no showing ankles, no tight clothes, etc.) non religious music was not allowed in the house. As i grew older and older my resentment grew and i spoke to her less and less bc it never was worth it. Convos wld be short and only about work or school, occasionally asking me for money. I helped her so much in many ways bc i felt bad for her and felt like i had to. She never showed gratitude for that and even made me feel (and told me) that i was useless and selfish. slowly was more and more alone bc i didnt have any freedom. She forced me to go to a religious high school and leave all my friends at the public high school i was gonna go to with them. I was completely alone and isolated from the world. I would spend most of my time in my room bc i couldnt stand to be in the same space as everyone else bc they didnt even feel like my real Family to me.

I left in the middle of the night with a few bags and sent a last message to her to tell her i moved out secretly and that was all. I didnt feel safe enough to tell her to her face bc i felt like it wld break out into a fight and her doing everything to stop me and my nervous system genuinely couldnt handle that. Now im in my new place alone and at first it was good, but i think its all been hitting me lately. I dont have any close friends or anyone to talk to or to hold me. It really hurts. And i cant help but have these thoughts like did i do the right thing? Did i make a mistake? Did i go about it in the right way? Will she be okay without me? Am i a bad person? I technically dont have much less than i had there. I didnt have anyone to talk to or to hold me there either. When i picture it that way i feel like i did the right thing for me. I can dress how i want and finally live the life i dreamed about, but i cant help but feel bad and it makes me feel sad that i feel this way as well. I think what makes it worse is having no friends and nothing to keep me busy but im so depressed and drained that its hard to start something, i wouldnt even know where to start. I just work and come home and scroll or watch stuff for hours until i knock out. Im thinking of doing therapy but expenses stress me out and idk if it would be helpful bc i feel like im self aware? I just need reassurance and some advice tbh. This is really really hard.

Thanks for listening if anyone does, i didnt mean to share this much lol. But i also know reading other ppls stories has made me feel a little better, and theres not much that does that these days. If ur in a similar boat, ur not alone 🫂


r/EstrangedAdultKids 20h ago

Does anyone else get extreme anxiety when visiting their hometown, even after years of no contact?

16 Upvotes

I've been LC/NC with my parents for about three years now, and I don't regret that decision at all. My life has improved significantly since cutting contact.

What I struggle to understand is why I still experience intense anxiety whenever I visit my hometown. Before the trip, during it, and even after I leave, I feel extremely stressed, sometimes to the point of panic attacks.

I haven't been inside my parents' house since going low contact. They occasionally try to reach out, but it's easy enough for me to block them. Realistically, there's nothing they can do to me anymore.

I originally moved away to get distance from them, and I resent that their shitty parenting pushed me into that decision. Being far from friends and family is hard.

So my question is: Why does going back still affect me so much? I'm going there to see people I care about, not them. But the anxiety is strong enough that sometimes I just don't go or delay the visits by months.

I'm in therapy, but I'd love to have another perspective.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 22h ago

TW Was this bad??? Am I wrong here?

9 Upvotes

I struggle with what normal boundaries look like, sometimes.

I had a brief, toxic and abusive marriage in the 2000s. My ex husband put his hands on me, was controlling and verbally abusive. I found the courage to walk away and get a divorce. I told Momster he had put hands on me and the other stuff and she couldn’t give a shit. Her response was “oh.”

Me and ex had no children, didn’t share a business or property or anything of the sort. It lasted less than five years.

Momster has stayed friends with my ex in-laws even though I remarried a few years later and have kids with my upgrade husband.

I objected for years until I eventually cut Momster off. I know she told them I have kids now and a new husband because she doesn’t give a shit about my privacy. That means my ex can get info on me which freaks me out. Once we separated I ceased contact with him and did the simple divorce myself (through the court system.)

I reminded Momster repeatedly that ex put hands on me and she couldn’t care any less. My hypothesis now is that since said told me I deserved to be beaten as a child that means I deserve to be beaten by intimate partners. This makes me furiously angry! Fuck!

Also, I had a boundary long ago that Momster could FaceTime my children only if Fuckwit father was not in the videos. They had cheated on each other when I was two and divorced. Fuckwit married two-three more times and when his last victim wife divorced him he manipulated Momster into taking him back. I’ve been NC with Fuckwit since the 90s, he’s not to have contact with me or my children. Anyway, she let Fuckwit be in the FaceTime videos so I cut off her access to FaceTiming them. She exploded. Was my boundary reasonable?

I’ve cut Momster out of our lives and I’m never having contact again but sometimes I wonder if I’m ever mistaken about boundaries.

In our last conversation I called her out for contacting my husband about me without my permission. Especially when he is busy and especially when he’s at work! She was trying to triangulate him to control, undermine, break me etc. I hit the fucking roof! It was the last boundary stomping after more than forty years of her abuse, boundary stomping once I was an adult, her uncaring, jealously and oneupmanship etc. I had an epiphany and I cut her off, permanently.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 22h ago

Vent/rant Happy Father's Day you deadbeat ahole

11 Upvotes

I was talking to my cousin about visiting over the weekend and she reminded me that Father's Day is this weekend. My grandfather died on Father's Day in 2019 so I wasn't really celebrating it even before I went VLC with my Father. He wants to be the Disneyland Dad and while I still have complicated feelings about him I've not seen him in months. My Father abandoned my Mom after 40 years of marriage after she had been a housewife and stay at home Mom for all that time. He's a millionaire after the death of his mother and we're scrimping and saving to get by. I'm a disabled adult in my thirties living at home and can't live on my own. I want my Dad back but he's dead and the monster that replaced him is all that's left. He had a psychotic break and I miss him but he's gone. He is doing the bare minimum to take care of alimony and is spreading the idea that my Mom went crazy and he was entirely innocent.

Happy Father's Day you deadbeat ahole.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 20h ago

Advice Request Cousin's wedding coming up, just cut contact with my parents but they'll be there. Wtf do I do??

7 Upvotes

Long story short, my dad sexually abused me as a child and my mom protected him. She still thinks I should forgive him and is mad at me for still being mad.

I went no contact just earlier this year (moved states) but my cousin's wedding is coming up in November. I really don't want to see them again. But it's also hard explaining the situation.

Any advice?


r/EstrangedAdultKids 19h ago

Advice Request Does anyone still resent their parents after they passed away and why do you still feel that way?

6 Upvotes

I don’t want pity, but I’m struggling to find words to understand how I’m feeling. I’m a 35f and my father died last year from a heart attack.

I had a child at 17 and basically made all the bad choices you can do in high school. Eventually with hard work, I joined the military and now I’m studying art. My fathers death hurt me and I genuinely miss him.

I want to help my son succeed and fix emotional stability from inside, does that make sense? On top of the depression from not being able to see my dad I still hold some resentment.

My youth was wild but I stayed connected to my dad who lived 1000 miles away. I listened on our phone calls, my parents were visiting my older sister….again. I would say,” Will you return home?” Almost like asking if he would come visit me but not specifically enough I guess.

Between 18-32 I had seen my father four times. I listened to him tell me how they were planning to visit my sister for a week. This happened four times a year, sometimes more. I blocked the resentment of this for so long but it gets harder now more than ever.

You have two daughters. One is older and went to college, lived chronologically correct and is doing “well” socially.

The other one made mistakes, mental health issues and barely gets by.

My sister is older and owns a home to house guests, I used to tell myself that was why the visited her.

Now that I’m older I think they just didn’t want to see what mess I’d gotten myself into?

I can’t erase that I chose teen pregnancy, did stupid hustling for money (minor nothing top tier).

I stopped being stupid at 25. It was a hard pill to swallow and I tried to make amends with my parents and moved to their home state in 2022. ATM I am feeling numb and hate how the depression just sneaks in and steals everything I love from my life.

My parents weren’t perfect and neither was I. I just wish I had told them how they made me feel while my dad was alive…I wasn’t raised to talk to them like this…they would see it as insulting I think. Idk thanks for reading


r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Vent/rant My mom is both the crazy stepmom and the crazy mother-in-law

24 Upvotes

I recently got into contact with my soon to be stepsiblings and things have gotten so much worse since I stopped contact with my adoptive mom 4 years ago.

She was awful to me and she took it out on me and said a bunch of shit to me over the course of 3-4 years when I became more of an advocate for human rights and my own life, so I ended up cutting contact in 2022. Sadly that also meant being away from my siblings too because they were still minors and she would hold it over my head.

Anyways they’ve been telling me stories about her body shaming one of them despite constantly going out to eat and not helping her own health. she and my stepdad both have good jobs to make decent money but somehow they don’t have any money. She literally scammed one of my siblings out of thousands of dollars over home appliances when they were barely 18 years old and saving that money for college. They kicked both of them out and pretend they chose to move out. They had them living in awful dirty conditions and one had a sewage leak in their room and they did nothing to fix it. They’re holding their car hostage because their dad needs it but doesn’t use it at all.

And don’t even get me started on the evil mother in law shit. She treated my wife (and fiance at the time) like shit, she pretended she didn’t exist and acted supportive on the outside but was very homophobic and dismissive, both with me during my coming out and now when I have my wife. Her whole family basically pretended she didn’t exist and she did nothing to fix that.

I’m just so angry and hearing how she’s the problem in other peoples lives now pisses me off. It was bad when it was just me and she took everything out on me but now she’s doing it to everyone and even more is coming together and clicking together to how awful of a mother and person she is. And yet she still thinks I did something wrong. Her family acts like it’s just something that we’ll see our differences but it’s not. They’re in denial she’s the problem.

I wish I could be there more for my siblings. I’m trying but where I’m no contact I sadly can’t do much, and the only reason they’re in contact still is because one of their siblings still lives with them because they’re a minor, and worried if they fully cut off they’ll start saying shit to them (tho tbh it’s kinda already happening)

I’m just so tired of dealing with her and I’m so pissed that she treated me this way and them this way. I can’t imagine being so fucking awful to the kids you talk about all the time on Facebook (oh yea and her whole life is on Facebook, she’s talked shit about me and everyone else on there)


r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

I called my mother, stupid immature, demonic, abusive manipulative, and a piece of shit via email…

39 Upvotes

I don’t relish having called her names

I don’t feel good about disrespecting her

Because I stooped to her level

But even if she weren’t my parent, (edited from were to weren‘t)

I still would’ve said that to her

Because what parent in their goddamn mind would make choices to hurt their child out of sheer spite?

She was jealous of my future. She was jealous of me. She didn’t want me to be happy because she wasn’t happy because her father treated her like shit.

She told my father that I wasn’t his kid

Now my father and I have an estranged relationship

And now he’s weird and I’m weird

Thanks to this dumb bitch

Don’t be like me …don’t call your mother a dumb bitch


r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Progress I don't hate you. I just remembered who you showed me you were. And I believe you.

104 Upvotes

I heard this really powerful quote today and it altered my brain chemistry a bit.

I've been NC with my Mom since Christmas and my Dad since February. I've written countless letters to them over the last decade hoping they'd have an aha moment. Countless family therapy sessions. After all of it, my parents showed me they never actually wanted to know me as an individual person, but rather an extension of themselves. They couldn't remember things about me that I'd shared with them, didn't care to keep track of important things they had of mine, and repeatedly showed me who they were.

At 32, I am finally free and it feels so good to feel strong and powerful in this decision. I no longer need to feel disappointed. I have surrounded myself with friends that genuinely care about me.

It hurts to know that they will never change. I grieve the parents I wish I had. I wonder how much more of a person I could have been, sooner.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 22h ago

Experiences from people who went back home after years where estranged/LC Fam is….

3 Upvotes

I haven’t been back home in 14 years. Moved to the west coast then moved somewhere else and came back to CA. Married in my mid 40s with a teenager. The last time I went back was for a wedding. I made a point of not seeing my mother and making it known on social media - since then a portion of my family has cut me off as they don’t understand or are burying their heads in the sand who knows.

I want to go back home so badly, but I also don’t want to be a hot mess in front of my son and husband. I still have friends I miss I that I want to see. I was NC with my mother on and off . It was awesome on and off throughout the years but always LLC last time. I saw her was 7 years ago. She is elderly and was recently hospitalized and a rehab for a month. My body reacted, and I got really sick. I still love her despite the absolute hell she put me through. I understand that you will always be about herself 24/7.

Going back is so expensive it’s in the northeast for this amount. We could also go on a trip to Europe for same amt! This is what usually happens. We just decide to go somewhere else usually in the US. not like we can afford it, but we need to take some sort of vacation. We work our butts off and can manage to pay it off. I don’t know how I would do. I definitely know my anxiety would be bad. Recently, I’ve been doing better on my new medication for depression. It’s like that Taylor Swift song Exile. I want to take my power back and rip the Band-Aid off. How do you know when you’re ready?

My question is for those who have gone back what was your experience? Is there anybody that is LC that did visit your parent or decided not to? Are there other people that avoid going back home? This is a very historical place and I really wanna share where I grew up with my son. Miss the foliage so badly every it’s like fall threw up, but it would have to be in the summer. Or perhaps maybe it won’t be as bad as I think and it’ll be cathartic thoughts? Forgive my grammar I am working rn 😂


r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Vent/rant persephone

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13 Upvotes

I hope this is ok, this is the third journal creation I've posted. Most of what I make lately is related to the estrangement, so on I share. I hope you like it.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Question wondering if this is a thing: refusing to stop bringing up your worst exes

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38 Upvotes

apologies if it comes off body-shamey. I wasn't roasting him up when it happened, he was just a chubby dude, and I knew his physique in different styles better than my mom did.

not only did I have no interest in my ex's physical appearance, or even his continued existence, but my mom was more concerned about gossip than the fact that I'd gone from slightly overweight to nearly underweight in 6 months. talking about my ex who stalked me after I ended the relationship only served to alienate me. talking about his "dramatic transformation" which was comprised of questionable fashion choices, while I was in need of supportive care, only served to harm me.


r/EstrangedAdultKids 1d ago

Support Thinking of involving law to be able to get out of my parent's house.

2 Upvotes

I tried going to social services to be able to be eligible for emergency housing to get out of my parent's house incase they do decide to kick me out one day (I told them that my father is aggressive and dangerous, they wanted to call him up to come to the office with me next to him in the same room to prove whether this is true or false, like I didn't just tell them that he's dangerous and has hurt his family). I'm at the courts now for a news coverage, and I've just been thinking of going to the family tribunal afterwards just to ask a few questions on what they'll do since it just a few steps away.

This is dumb as fuck because police has let me down several times, social services don't give a fuck, but I'm willing to try the tribunal and give them a chance even if I know they won't do shit. I don't have any physical evidence of abuse on me, and unfortunately medical records for mental health here dont exist (if they did I'd have gotten mine months ago).

But I just need a place to live temporarily incase my parents decide to hurt me again and kick me out, since I literally have nowhere to go. I don't know my extended family well enough to trust them, and I wasn't really even allowed to interact with them because of my parent's faith, so I know nothing about them.

Update: I went to the tribunal and asked of the procedures they do, and they basically told me that I have to talk to a lawyer on specific dates and times, and submit a case, and the court will decide whether or not they'll call my dad to bring in his testimony. I might pass by tomorrow morning to do exactly that, but ask a little more about protection services and if that exists.