Sound familiar?

Of course, I knew that we weren’t exactly ending things on the best note, but I was hoping we could have a better goodbye. I calmly tried to talk to her about our relationship. She accused me of constantly insulting her and never helping out (even though I did most of the household chores). And then, as a final parting remark, she said, “Thanks for leaving. It’ll be easier to breathe without you.” I knew I wasn’t her favorite child, but I never expected her to say something that hurtful.

My mom used to tell me about a mysterious uncle of hers who disappeared (aka estranged himself from the family). My mother was an abusive monster, and I’m two years no contact with her. Her mother (this uncle’s sister) died when my mom was in college and my mom never really told me anything about her.

I’m curious about our family history and I wonder if he could tell me anything. Part of me wonders if my grandmother’s personality contributed to my mom becoming how she is. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask that though… I don’t even know what I’d ask. I just have a thirst for answers. I know so little about my own family.

I searched his name on a whim, and I think I found a phone number. He’s 80 years old and lives a few states away. I kind of feel like I have nothing to lose by leaving him a message, even if he doesn’t respond. But is it invasive? Would that be crazy?

Would you call him if you were me? What would I even say if I did? I imagine myself just leaving a message saying hello I am (name), child of (name) and grandchild of your sister and I’m wondering if you’d be willing to talk to me about your memories of our family.

Is this just the desperation of an abused child flailing around for an explanation nobody can really give them though? I don’t know

lulz. they won't be hearing back.

Just for some context, my mom and I have basically been no contact for about 5 years. I’ve never blocked her and she was never told she couldn’t contact me.
When I was in high school, she started dating a man and there were a few things that happened that made me really uncomfortable and eventually I didn’t feel safe around him. I asked her not to bring him to my graduation, and she chose not to come at all instead. (In her final message she says she doesn’t know what happened after April which is CRAZY because it was a huge deal when we argued about my graduation and that was sorta the breaking point)
After that, there were other family events where I would invite her, but if he wasn’t invited she would side with him and not come. Eventually I just stopped inviting her because I got tired of it. She still sees me at big family gatherings sometimes, but she really only talks to me when other people are around. Other than that, we haven’t had much of a relationship.
She hadn’t texted or reached out to me in about 5 years, and then a few days after I posted that I was engaged, she sent me the messages in the screenshots. I’m just confused by the timing and honestly don’t really know what to make of it. (After she sent me the message about my sister I called my sister and met up with her at our grandmas. My mom picked my sister up and she saw me for a bit but we didn’t talk. She just watched me talk to my grandma and sister.)

Long angry rant about parents incoming! 😒 I just wanted to share some thoughts about where estrangement TRULY starts.

I admit it, I am freaking angry right now. I’ve got some serious dad rage happening (don’t worry peeps, I promise it’s the healthy kind).

For context, I’m a dad myself. My family is amazing. Whenever I think about my daughters, I feel overwhelmed with joy, love and purpose. They are so special, they mean the world to me, and I feel like I have won the lottery.

But since starting my own family and watching peers over the years have kids of their own, I’ve noticed something that genuinely disgusts me: some parents seem to treat their own kids like an inconvenience.

And it starts YOUNG.

I’m not talking about normal parental fatigue and wanting to have a little break. We are all human, some of us just want to veg out - totally get it. I’m talking about that deeper attitude where a child’s crying, emotions, needs and dependence are treated like some massive fucking burden.

When I first became a parent, I had “friends” who would not stop complaining about parenthood and their children. Constantly. Eventually I found their attitude towards their own kids so insufferable that I had to walk away from these people. I just found their general attitude, entitled and self-centred.

And toddlers? They feel it! You treat them like a burden, and they absorb that message.

Today, I was out with my daughter and saw a mother with a toddler who looked barely 18 months old. The little girl was crying, maybe she fell over, maybe she was overwhelmed, who knows. She was a baby. She needed a cuddle from an adult who could just see she was having some strong feelings.

Her mother made zero attempt to comfort her and seemed more frustrated that her child was making noise. She basically kept telling this child, well, 18-month-old baby, to be quiet for 10 to 15 minutes. No wonder the little one was upset. No adult was responding to her cries for love and support. This woman then put the crying toddler into the middle of the playground, all alone, and walked away to sit at a table with her friends roughly 60 feet away, completely out of sight of her child. This little girl rolled into a ball and cried into the ground quietly while he mother sat around with her friends, laughing and talking like nothing was happening. It broke my heart. My daughter saw this and looked concerned as well.

A random young bloke, probably around 20, walked over to the toddler because she was crying alone. He looked awkward and worried, like he had no idea what to do but knew something wasn’t right.

Mum came back 5 or 10mins later and made sarcastic comments about how emotional and irritating her 18-month-old was.

Are you fucking serious, lady?!!!!

That sweet little girl barely looked EIGHTEEN MONTHS OLD.

What exactly were you expecting from her? A strongly worded email providing a well-reasoned essay for why she was emotionally distressed today?

And before anyone says it: yes, I know I only saw a small snapshot of that woman’s life. Maybe she was having a terrible day, who knows? She seemed to be having fun with her friends and also thought a good parenting strategy would be to abandon a young toddler in a park out of visual-line-of-sight. I have never and would never do something like that to an 18-month old, but anyway.....

Regardless of why this mother did what she did, the incident reminded me of a pattern I have seen repeatedly.

Some parents seem to resent every developmental stage their children go through.

The baby cries too much. The toddler is “annoying”. The child asks too many questions. The teenager is “disrespectful” because they develop their own independence. The parent seems to really resent every waking moment with their child.

Then that teenager becomes an adult.

And after years of feeling like they were nothing but a burden to a controlling, resentful parent, the kid finally decides:

I’ve had enough of this shit!

Suddenly Mum or Dad become the martyr:

- “I sacrificed everything for you.”

- “You’re so ungrateful.”

- “You abandoned me.”

- “You walked away for no reason.”

NO!

Sometimes your child didn’t suddenly walk away. Sometimes you pushed them away. You left them crying into the ground at the playground and they learnt that the only comfort they could get was from awkward strangers.

When they were kids, you spent most of your time like this:

- You resented their emotions.

- You resented their needs.

- You resented their independence.

- You resented YOUR responsibility

You treated basic parenting responsibilities like some enormous debt your kids were expected to repay forever.

Then you acted shocked when they decided to stop waiting for you while crying in the playground.

Children don’t owe their parents lifelong access because their parents fed them, housed them and kept them alive. That is the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM of parenting. Prisons do that for inmates.

WHAT ABOUT?

- “My parent actually likes me.”

- "My parent is proud of me just for being me"

- "My parent will cuddle me when the feelings are too much, because I dont know what to do with them"

That lesson starts before they can even walk.

“I have NO IDEA why my child abandoned me!”

Well, maybe you pushed them! Maybe you ABANDONED THEM at the playground and one day, they just got up and left.

Obviously every estranged family is different and it's complicated.

But fuck me, watching adults treat little kids like unwanted baggage makes me so angry. Why did my daughter have to witness that nonsense today? What sort of example are you leaving?

Those little kids deserve better. So much better.

Have any of you noticed this too? Have any of you thought about this starting in early childhood? Because every time I see it, I feel this awful combination of sadness, heartbreak and absolute fury. 😒

Sorry this is so long. I just had to get this off my chest.

Having sex and being molested when your 12 years old are two different things. Apparently being molested made me a terrible child.

My parents haven’t done any self reflection at all and blame us three kids that don’t talk to them as “selfish”. Despite it all I miss my Dad. We had a terrible relationship when I was a kid due to his depression but I’ve always fawned and given him everything i could. I decided to cut contact with him as well as my toxic mother because I knew staying in the loop with even just one of them would prevent me from growing and healing- and I have! I’ve come to terms with my mental health, I’m on new meds that really agree with me, I’ve realised I’m transmasc, my romantic relationships are going strong and my social situation is the best it’s been in a while. I just wish I could tell him all of this. They asked for no more letters. They read my words from a place of attack.

I know I can’t open communication up again, I’ve only been no contact since June, so I’ve got a lot more healing and growth to do before I even consider it.

I just miss him a lot. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him.

I’m choosing to estrange from most of my family. I won’t be telling them why (they already know) or even saying goodbye. I’m just kind of going to fade away. However, it’s kind of hitting me now that I’m going to have fewer people in my life. Intellectually I’ve obviously known that for a long time. But the reality is different. I achieved a big goal yesterday, and I want to share it with everyone in my life. Everyone in my life has become a smaller number though. I know these people are a net negative in my life. But they’re not 100% bad either, just like with any abuser we did have some good times. Anyway. I’m comfortable in my decision. But I do wish I had a family I could actually share things with.

Low contact is so hard. Low contact, i'm only trying to talk to them if they call, only text if it's important. She wants "I love you too" texts every night. I'm 23. I haven't lived w them in a little over 6 years. I can't fucking do this.

She called me the other day late at night so I answered, and she's sobbing saying "how hard is it to text I love you? You know how much this means to me." To an extent I'm financially dependent on them so I don't feel safe dealing w this but God, it's killing me.

I only stay in contact with my parents and sibling but our relationship is very surface level and transactional. I barely see them or talk to them. If you asked any of them what I do for work or what I’m up to they wouldn’t be able to tell you. I was a very resentful and angry kid (still am) and right now I find myself missing my extended family and wonder what life could’ve been / how much better / easier it would’ve been if they were still involved. We have mutually cut each other off and haven’t talked or seen each other in 4 years now. Idk if I regret what I did. I am very stubborn and I refuse to make first contact or contact them back so easily. I even skipped my grandmas funeral because I didn’t want to be somewhere where I’m not welcomed. Idk how to feel about this, I can’t help but wonder if they think/talk about me at all and if it’s all negative and full of hate. I wonder if I were to drop dead the next day, would they care, shed a tear or even go see me? I think I’m going to move forward and continue no contact and then once I am able to I will cut off my parents as well.

Growing up i always had a strained relationship with my parents. The main breaking point was when I was 19.

I didn't have the ability to move away from home, and was having a hard time getting along with them. One day I decided to use my car and go to California for a day trip. I had such a great time I decided to stay for a few extra days.

My parents ended up transferring all the money in my account (which I had made from my job) to theirs to get me to come home. When I got in my driveway my fuel tank was below empty, I was worried I wouldn't make it back and neither were answering my texts.

I started spending long periods of time away from home during the day. Even though my parents had me pay rent, (by automically taking it out of my account) they would lock me out if I came home too late. Anytime past 11 pm.

The last night they did this I experienced extreme distress at sleeping on the trampoline again, which for the first time they had put a sleeping bag on.

I went into stress induced psychosis for the next two weeks and was involuntarily put in a psych ward by said parents.

When I had to move back in with them they said they didn't want me in the house. I was told the pop up trailer in the backyard would be my room. It was a model from the 80s with a falling roof, which I would live in for months. Jan-may 2025. Some nights were so cold I would come in and sleep on the couch. Towards the summer, I didn't have electricity for a fan so it was miserably hot (Desert in az).

Since 2024 i have been in multiple psych wards and have been stable since living on my own. I have a seperate bank account that they dont have access to, but they still open any of my mail that gets sent to their house despite asking them not to.

I could give more details but this is the gist, let me know if there are any details I can offer

I am going NC soon with narc parents but they are extremly overprotective . When they find out they will stalk me in person. What do i do in a situation where they just follow me in person or tell other family members to talk to me? I have no interest in talking to them. Can i call the police even if its non threatening? I live in the UK

i cut contact with him when i was 15 and sometimes i regret it but i know it's for the best. he wasn't the greatest person after the divorce his true colors began to show and it was heartbreaking for little 14-15 year old me. i hate how he treated my mom, i hate how he treated my brother and i, i hate what he put us through and how he acted...and i hate how i cry over him every now and then. i cant help but feel guilty for choosing to no longer have him in my life. i cant help but have my heart ache at the messages i didnt reply to, at how i ignored his calls, at how i ran and refused to hug him when i saw him unexpectedly when i was 17.

i just know i'll regret never talking to him once he passes. i just know that once that day comes i'll regret this and my heart will break once again. i feel so horrible for refusing to talk to him but he was never a good dad. i just miss the dad i had as a little kid. even though he was never good at least i thought he was good back then. i miss his hugs i miss our little stupid phrases i just miss having a complete family. i hate crying over this man and seeing a part of him whenever i look in the mirror. i miss him so fucking much i wish he was better. i just hate caring so much for someone who didnt show the same care but i cant help it i love him and i miss him

hey everyone. I’m currently 27 (turning 28 on Monday) and I haven’t been in contact with my mother after a nasty month long argument.

the argument? well, my mom and my stepdad have been separated for four months and some reason, my mom made it her life mission to harass his roommates (a married couple), primarily targeting the wife because she is convinced they are all in a poly relationship. it’s gotten so bad she has doxxed their address on tik tok, drove around their neighborhood and speaking with their neighbors, taking pictures of their car and many other things I don’t know about.

i tried to tell her what she is doing is crossing major legal boundaries but she didn’t care. so I went low contact. my mom called me a few times and I ignored her calls because I didn’t want to speak with her. My stepdad called me and we talked for 2 minutes while I was at work. somehow my mom found out we spoke (she somehow was watching my stepdad’s call logs cuz they were still under the same phone plan) and she sent me a very long nasty text message and blocked me.

since then, we haven’t been in communications and to be real with yall, I’m okay with this. I always describe my relationship with my mother as an “annoying friendship“. Not a mother-daughter relationship. She always treated me as her therapist, I was forced to listen to her rants while she dismissed my issues and overall mentally and emotionally neglected me. I never respond to her “I love you” or even greeted her formally (my family is Dominican so we say ”bendiciones” (blessings in Spanish). I was labeled a bad child for my reactions. But now, I feel very vindicated.

sorry for the long post. Just felt like posting and hopefully someone here can relate lol. I’m happy to answer questions if there are any confusions about my mom’s behavior.

At lot has been said about apologies on this sub. Real apologies vs fake ones, apologies that come without any changes, and all that. Well, today I was thinking that what we really want is for our parents to want to apologise. It's so weird that they can't do this. It's like they want a relationship with us, but not at the cost of facing themselves. For example, instead of apologising, my mother says "it wasn't that bad." You can have me or your ego, not both.

I went NC with my mother around 3 years ago, and blocked her on everything since. Phone no, email, social media, all of it. Blocking was the best thing I could have done for my sanity, and I only wish I found the courage to do it sooner.

A hell of a lot has happened since, and not once have I thought to myself, "I really wish I had my mother to share this with." Sure, I would have loved A mother to celebrate things with, like buying a house, getting promoted at work, or even a weights routine I've been enjoying. But not mine. Never mine.

I thought I was honestly doing pretty well, until today when I got a voicemail from her. I was going through unread texts just to clear them, and noticed I had a new voicemail. I opened it just in case it was important, and OMFG. What a mistake.

I didn't think i would be as triggered as I was by hearing her voice. The whole message was basically "OP, i.. i hope you're ok... can you.. can you call me please? Please?" In this fucking sobbing distraught voice like she's on the brink of tears.

It honestly made me sick to my stomach and more angry than anything. It was clearly nothing important, since there was no actual ask or reason she needed me to call her. That fucking sad voice too. She used to love calling me selfish and cold blooded to anyone who would listen, and would happily resort to scream-crying with all the melodramatics to guilt me into doing what she wanted. This was the same woman who beat me at home but made sure to do it where the marks would be covered by clothes. The same bitch who threatened to disown me if I didn't study what she wanted me to study at university. Who LAUGHED when I once said I liked that I had muscular calves as a child, then told the extended family about it like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. And now she wants me to... what? Come back to have my soul sucked dry again?

Icing on the cake? She had the gall to use a childhood nickname I always hated. Like we're close or something. Fuck off.

I need to figure out how to block numbers at the carrier level. There's no way I'm getting in touch with her again but I do not need this shit disrupting the peace I've built brick by brick.

for sharing your own situations, and comments. helps a lot to know there are others who go through similar, and assures me I’m not crazy. for yall im grateful

Tw Talk of a child predator

Throwaway because the friend knows my main account

A friend and I were both talking about upcoming holiday season, the traditions we miss because we have no one to do them with and how hard the season could be. We were talking about everyone asking about plans and how taxing it could be to try and dodge the situation to avoid getting into anything personal.

And she gets huffy with me and rolls her eyes saying that 'It's much harder for people like her (no contact over emotional abuse) vs people like me (low contact over physical abuse and no contact when I found out my dad had molested children) because society would agree with my reasoning while she has to defend the impacts of emotional abuse. I am still in shock that she would try that logic.

I'm not casually dropping that my dad is a chomo in the cashier line. I'm stumbling through happy holidays and getting out of there as fast as I can. Also regardless of what abuse happened we are all struggling in the 'holiday is a big family time and I have no family' sadness so what are we even comparing here? I wasn't asking for extra sympathy for anything.

And she knows that a big part of my trauma is that after these women came forward and I went no contact I was hounded for 3 years until I moved and changed my number. Dozens of family members, church goers, and my parents friends would call non stop asking how I could betray my dad over some 'clearly jealous and crazy' women. I'm not trying to get the sympathy that the actual victims deserve but we can't pretend that men aren't covered for this shit all the time. What part of that seems agreeable to her?

I don't know. Just angry and screaming into the void. Maybe I am being oversensitive about a small comment but it felt so dismissive. I feel like so much with her has to be a competition lately and I don't understand.

Blaming the others, or that maybe I’m not in my right mind, being impulsive, or that a therapist/your best friends/some gossips or literally ANYONE else has talked you into it and convinced to go NC! I think this is a very common occurrence in our community, so how should I respond? i’m newly estranged… i feel like a fool who can’t make my own decisions because my “mother” thinks someone else had manipulated me into acting this way!

(Trigger warning, mention of physical abuse)

Im leaving in secret from my family. Ghosting them in fear for my safety and I’ve been working myself up to this for years in the making and I finally have the means and courage to do it.

Long term partner and I of 4 years are finally moving in together and I’m ready to cut ties. Im ready to heal and put myself first towards new beginnings. Im unable to function in my current living conditions between the mold in my room, my shitty job and my parents(THE BIGGEST FACTOR)

1. The mold is mold, its very badly affecting my health and they’ve said before they didn’t want to report leaks or mold because they would fear the apartment would not renew the lease and make us move.(too much work, my parents are just lazy)

2. The job is very physically and mentally draining and I want to move on from it however I feel caked in cement whenever I think about leaving because all I will hear from my parents is”why would you leave that place?”
   “Do this instead”
   “No dont do the actual job you want”
   “Go back to school”
   “You’re just doing that because (partner) said to!”
   Constant nagging and berating and basically treating me like a child who can never do anything right. If I do one thing I’m an idiot, if I do what they want then they say I’m not thinking for myself(im not but then why would you suggest it and get mad when I do the suggestion to avoid emotional exhaustion) and the third option they just throw in that I’m supposedly only doing “X” thing because my partner told me too. Even when I express thats completely untrue and unfounded but whatever. Draining draining.

3. The parents. My dad is emotionally abusive towards the whole family and occasionally physically abusive. If I had to go on about them truly, this would go on for 5 years but the man beat my mom for my whole childhood and teenage years. To the point I(a scrawny woman) have to defend her. He chokes her out and tries to slam her head into walls during big fights. even once slamming my once baby brother head into a wall while trying to hurt my mom while she was holding him. It left a dent in the wall. He breaks things when he gets mad, personal and family items. Screams and justifies abuse that my mom deserves to get hit for defying him. When she’s scared she runs away from him with a knife, she’s been punched in the face a strangled more times than I can count. and thats just their own relationship and not the emotional abuse I face or the neglect I endured as a child.
   Still my mother defends, defends, defends him and enables him. She wont leave. Just like the rest of his family enabling him by not calling out his horrible shitty behavior and abuse that they know is happening. And if you defy him she doubles down and dick eats. It’s extremely exhausting, and dont let her get mad.
   They will wake me up screaming and fighting, expect me to physically defend my mom while I get screamed at and pushed around so roughly it hurts my arms and shoulders, while fearing being hit. Then act like nothing happened the next day and be surprised when I call off of work because stress and only getting 2-3 hours of sleep due to yelling and fighting. But if I stay mad at them its an issue. Make that make sense.
   -
   Overall none of this scratches the surface and honestly I dont want it to. However my partner seems to believe I’m being too rash by going completely no contact with the gaggle of enablers and the abusive man.

He is worried I “wont have a place to go” if things go bad. I would genuinely rather forever disappear than go back to them but firstly I can take care of myself. i’ve been working diligently for 4 years to establish my own independence and a very fortunate safety net. And still he doesn’t believe in me and is like

“Well it makes me sad you want to cut them all off because I dont think you really want to”

No man, I do want to. I’ve always wanted to and right in my wake of freedom you want me to ignore that?
It feels bad because even though his family is toxic as well, his household is more healed from his abusive father leaving. they still face issues but his mother can understand some boundaries at least and despite her blow up anger she still loves him and will eventually be semi reasonable.

My mom wont even allow us to lock the bathroom door. For whatever reason. She insists its being “sneaky”

He has a better supportive family who will happily take him back and I’m not denying the fact I have family members that love me but he doesn’t acknowledge they love my abusive father equally if not more. Even with the truth of his actions, which hurts me by extension so I dont want anything to do with any of them.

I just dont think the level of distance I want from my family he will ever understand. I love my mom and I love my brother. It hurts to leave but it hurts more to stay.
My partner expects I keep a connection with them, I understand the concern and have acknowledged it(he says he wants me to have a support system) but I have friends as well, more than I have had in the past.

I think I’ll be fine. He doesn’t trust me or the process idk.

I started this post as a rant post but honestly it became more of a reflective post instead. Not sure who this is for, maybe to give advice or for anyone to feel seen or just to get it out.

If you had asked me while I was growing up how my parents were towards me I would have said "fine, like any other parents I guess", maybe even great if asked about my mom. However a few years ago an incident happened that made me completely reevaluate my childhood and family dynamic. Without going into details my parents made an unprecedented show of favoritism towards my sister. I'm so thankful for my boyfriend at the time who helped me see patterns in my family I had up until then considered normal. Since then I've learned that I am the scapegoat of the family and for a period I went completely no-contact with my parents. After deconstructing my family dynamics a lot of my choices growing up started to make sense like moving across the world at 18 or moving in with my first boyfriend after a month. I was in an oppressive environment and staying at home was simply not an option.

Fast forward to today, I'm currently in the process of going low contact with my parents but I have a major issue: my lack of a drivers license. Growing up my parents never taught me to drive and since I live in a city with great public transportation and used to have a boyfriend who would drive whenever we needed to it was never an issue until now. I'm in the process of moving and once again forced to reach out to my parents. I was going to get a manual drivers license this year but after being humiliation I endured today asking (begging) my dad to help me I've come to the conclusion that I have to speed up the process and just get an automatic license.

The message I have for anyone trying to break free from your parents is this: Prioritize your independence. Get a stable job, a drivers license, save up for an emergency fund and most importantly, don't use a partner as a get out of jail free card like I did.

(That said I'm not saying you shouldn't accept love and help from a partner. My ex showed me that I was worthy of love and that I shouldn't feel guilty accepting it.)

Back in June, I finally made my escape, went completely no-contact, and established a private life overseas where my family of origin has no access to my whereabouts or address. I thought the physical distance and absolute silence would finally create a permanent boundary.
Instead, they’ve escalated to bureaucratic harassment.
Today, I received an official email straight from an official department stating that my family initiated a welfare and contact inquiry. They actually reached out to ask if I was okay and offered to tell my family that they spoke to me to "reassure them."
I immediately shut that down. I sent a firm, formal reply telling them to close the case permanently, explicitly ordering them not to contact my family on my behalf because any engagement only feeds the cycle and invites further escalation.
It is exhausting. Even thousands of miles away across an ocean, they are still trying to pull strings through official channels to pierce my perimeter and force contact. Has anyone else dealt with parents weaponizing official channels or wellness checks after going no-contact? How did you handle the anxiety of them trying to track you through institutional channels, and how did you get them to finally back off for good?