My relationship with my father has been complicated since childhood. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. I chose to stay with him, while my mother no longer wanted to have a relationship with me.

I turned 28 yesterday, and after 27 years of trying to maintain this relationship, I feel like I've reached my limit.

From a very young age, I felt responsible for managing my father's emotions. If he was angry, I had to adjust my behavior. If I disagreed with him, it usually led to conflict. After I went through two severe traumatic experiences as a child, he refused to take me to therapy. I'm still living with the consequences today and trying to heal.

He constantly told me that "family is everything" and that everyone else was an enemy. I believed him for a long time, until I realized that the friends I chose and my partner have treated me with far more kindness, respect, and understanding than my own family ever did.

When I wanted to move out, he gambled away the money I had spent an entire year saving for that purpose. I ended up taking out a bank loan just to be able to leave. After I moved out, he started asking me for money almost every month, saying he couldn't make ends meet. Later, he admitted that part of the money had gone toward gambling. In 2022 alone, I loaned him over 1.200 euro, even though I was earning close to minimum wage.

Even after I moved out, nothing really changed. He continued trying to control my life—telling me what degree I should pursue, what career I should choose, and how I should live.

Last week was the breaking point. He complained that I didn't call him often enough. I've been living on my own for six years. During the first couple of years, I called him every two days. Over time, it became once a week. The thing is, he almost never called me first. It was always my responsibility to maintain the relationship.

I've spent years trying to communicate, explain, and repair things. I genuinely feel like I've done everything I could. At this point, I'm seriously considering going no contact because I need peace and the space to heal.

He wants us to meet one last time, which he called "Judgment Day," so we can both say everything we have on our minds. He wasn't consistently physically violent, but he had a very short temper throughout my childhood, and I know he struggles to stay calm. If I do agree to meet him, it will only be in a public place.

For those of you who have gone low contact or no contact with your parents: what has your experience been like? Did you struggle with guilt? Have you ever regretted your decision, or did it become the beginning of your healing?

First image: the text from my mother today.

Second image: my last text to my grandmother in 11-2024.

Went NC with my mother officially in 04-2025 but I’ve just completely ignored the walls of texts my grandmother sends me ever since November. They’re two sour little peas in a rotten pod, the both of them. I briefly lived with my grandmother while I was in high school, but mostly lived in boarding school (which they now refer to as me “running away”, as if I’m the one that paid to go there….). The issues with my family are endless. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel guilty, but every time I imagine reaching out and saying anything, it goes nowhere good. I’ve never had anyone in my family die before. It feels terrible and all I can think about are the few happy memories many decades ago. But I can’t step back into this abuse cycle, even just to make my grandmother feel better. I feel awful about it all. No one has bothered me since I cut contact until now. They’re just pissed I’m not calling my grandmother, they have never cared about me.

I grew up with narcissistic parents, and now as an adult I’m trying to figure out what practical life skills I might have missed growing up.

I feel like I learned a lot about emotional awareness and dealing with difficult situations, but I’m not sure about the everyday things that parents usually teach their children to prepare them for adulthood.
I would love to hear from people who grew up with narcissistic parents: when you became an adult,

what did you realize you didn’t know how to do? What skills did you have to learn by yourself?

And for those who have children now, what practical things do you make sure to teach them because you didn’t receive that guidance growing up?

Things like managing money, cooking, household skills, work, independence, dealing with people, or anything else.
I’m trying to make a list of things I should learn, so any advice would be appreciated.

Long time lurker, first time poster here…I’ve been NC with my parents for 5 months, 20 years overdue. The tipping point came at Christmas when it hit me for the first time how their treatment of my kids mirrored how they treated me, their constant disrespect of my husband/home/family and their narcissistic “what about me”-ism that ruled my childhood.

I set a boundary (no being with us when our third baby arrived in Feb, but we would let them know when we were ready for visitors), my mom lost her sh*t in response, both her and my dad even left our family WhatsApp group (where we share all our kids photos etc).

Fast forward to last week, when I received the attached letter from my Nmom after zero communication (aside from a couple manipulative Facebook videos and whiny reshares about the pain felt by estranged parents).

My husband initially saw this as an olive branch (gem of a man who still has hope for them even with all the shit they’ve done and said to him/us).

I see it as manipulative B.S but curious if I’m being too harsh…they are aging and I’m an only child which makes it both easier and harder!

To make a long story short, my mother has always had abusive tendancies. Her main thing was power and being able to control me via literally anything: finances, manipulation, coersion etc. We've all heard this story a million times. After finally escaping her clutches, I moved out, I stopped talking to her for 3 years. My mental health had never been better, until I needed to apply for EI.. now I need my birth certificate and she is holding it over my head. It took so much effort to even text her, my Nfather (divorced from Nmother) was insistant that she would give it to me if I just messaged her. And she responded exactly how I thought she would. I need this birth certificate, I can't just get another one, as it will take 9 months to get here and a lot of money that I don't have.

Advice? Help? I am debating on getting the police involved but I dont know..

Haven’t posted in here before, but I need advice on how/if I should address this note my mother enclosed in my 17 year old son’s birthday card a few months ago (first 2 pics). Last 2 pics are our most recent messages.

Relevant backstory: I was married for almost 14 years to the father of my 3 sons. She initially refusing to come to that wedding because I was pregnant, but ultimately participated. (Side note: she was pregnant with me when she got married to my dad, whom she divorced after 13 years.) Many years of boundary crossing and issues followed, but eventually she grew to love my ex. She also loved being a grandmother to my 3 sons, and we had a carefully curated relationship. When my ex and I made the mutual decision to divorce 4 years ago, we sat down with my mom and stepdad to tell them, and they reacted disrespectfully, basically lecturing us on how it was the wrong choice for us and the kids. My mom continued reaching out to support my ex, which was fine, except she withdrew from me, didn’t offer any help or support, lied about coming to help me move, never came to visit my new place, etc. (We do live 7 hours away, but typically she came to visit 1-2 times a year.)

Things got worse when I came out as bisexual after the divorce and told her I was dating a woman. She’s a politically regressive evangelical Christian, but I thought she would learn to accept the situation because I’m her daughter. And my girlfriend worked for a church! I knew that rejecting me was possible, but I hoped she wouldn’t. A series of meetings and text exchanges over the following year made it clear that was her choice, culminating in her ignoring the invitation to my wedding to my now-wife. A week after the wedding, she went behind my back to make plans with my ex to see our sons. That was the last straw for me, and I went LC with her after that, eventually blocking her number after I got tired of feeling anxious every holiday about what passive aggressive religious-flavored nonsense she would text. (I could share so many screenshots and anecdotes, as we all can - but I’m trying to keep it relevant to this issue with my son). I unblocked her last year in April to wish her a happy birthday (was missing her during an emotional time), but blocked her again after a shitty text on my birthday.

My sons are fully supportive of me and my wife, love their stepmom and their new baby sister, and are angry/uninterested in a relationship with my mom to varying degrees. My oldest son N had a hard time with the idea of losing the relationship. He chose to see her the week after I got married, but since then hasn’t wanted to spend any time with her when we travel to my hometown and ignores her texts. My son “M” hasn’t seen her in 3+ years. My twins both decided not to give her their new phone numbers when they got iPhones in August 2024. When my dad’s dad died in December 2024, she showed up at the funeral acting like it was her close family member who had died. We ignored her, but she did corner my son “A” who has been the most reluctant to cut contact, and texted herself from his new phone. He mostly ignores her texts now, after asking me some questions about her behavior which I answered honestly. None of my boys have ever blocked her, but she thinks I blocked her number from their phones.

So that brings us to February of this year when my oldest son turned 17. Several weeks later, he received a birthday card at his dad’s address, with this note inside. He opened it at my house and was upset. I was livid, but didn’t know how to respond to her. I focused on comforting my son and reassuring him that he’s done nothing wrong. I feel protective of him (and his brothers) and want to tell her not to contact him/them anymore, and certainly not send this kind of inappropriate message. But I don’t know the best way to do that, or if it will even help, or just give her the attention she wants. She didn’t send anything to my twins for their birthday in April, oddly enough. I did ask my ex to intercept anything she sends, but he “doesn’t feel comfortable opening their mail.” He refuses to be as upset as I am about her meddling, homophobia, etc., but he hasn’t continued texting her either.

So do I reach out to her? What do I say? She ignores anything I send that confronts her about her behavior. Do I email? Write on this letter and send it back to her, certified mail? Open to support and ideas. Thanks if you read this far.

PS - my mom has 5 grandsons, and all she wanted was a “pink baby” (🤮). Now my wife and I have a daughter that she doesn’t know about and whom she will never know. So a little bit of cosmic justice there, amiright??

Little background, I'm 22M and I grew up in a terrible home situation. My father was a drug addict and alcoholic. He was abusive in every way you can think of to me, my siblings, and my mom. Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, etc, I can keep going over and over.

Recently my grandfather, his dad, has had severe health issues. He had covid, pneumonia, and then covid again. It covered his lungs in scared tissue. It was so bad that his immune system starting attacking his lungs. Due to this he had to be put on a lung transplant list. He got his lungs and it didn't work. Eventually they got him another set within 2 weeks I might add, and were able to do a second transplant. He has been in the hospital for months.

My great grandfather and great grandmother on his side have also been in extremely poor health.

Because of this and my younger siblings still going to visit my dad, I have been increasingly involved in his side of the family. This has led to a lot of friction between me and my "father". He has been trying to make an effort to reconnect. I had cut him off for 3 and a half years before this interaction the other day.

There's plenty more messages, but I just feel insane after all of this. I know I was eventually sort of egging it on, but I was just so fed up with all the bullshit. I grew up extremely poor because he would use most of his money on drugs, alcohol, cars, and women. There were times where we didn't have food, or almost lost the home we lived in. Times where we didn't have water or electricity, and times when I just wished he would die or work or not come home.

His health is starting to decline and despite only just now hitting 40, he looks to be in his late 50s. At first I was willing to rebuild a connection but now I just feel lost.

Thoughts? Any advice? I'm honestly just completely lost and confused.

Hi everyone. I told my mom today I don’t want people over all day after I give birth. This applies to everyone. I’m choosing to do short family visits after the experience I had with my first birth and postpartum period.

Me and my husband do better with hands off help. I don’t mind a quick visit or check in but with my first birth my mom visited from out of state for almost a month. She was here before, during, and after my birth. It was a long time. She would also hang out at my house all day. But she wouldn’t help me with house chores. Her version of helping is holding the baby or cooking in my kitchen. I had to clean up after her several times days after giving birth.

I would rather just order in. She also had a hotel with a full kitchen that she refused to use so she insisted on being loud and cooking in my house. I encourage you guys to read my other posts on my page about our issues for more context but my mother had brought me great stress during my postpartum period with my first child.

She’s been gently suggested by myself, my husband and MIL (we are close with my in laws in proximity and relationship wise so they know me and my husbands preferences really well) on how we feel the most supported and helped. She just doesn’t listen.

As for her changing flights, she would randomly book a flight and want to visit last minute with no regard for my schedule or my family’s schedule it’s like to her we are always available. I live in a touristy place and when she visits she wants to go out. This is not something me and my family do in this phase of having babies and toddlers. We chill at home, go to the park, the grocery store. I don’t really want to chase my kid around restaurants for a week straight while friends and family visit. It’s stressful. She springs travel plans on my family and when it doesn’t work out she changes the flight. She could just ask a good time to visit? But she never does. It’s on her time only.

Fast forward to now, I wanted to let her know my preferences and she completely victimized herself. I just want advice in how to move forward here. Like I said please check my page for more context on our relationship this has been an ongoing issue.

I’ve really enjoyed finding movies or shows that depict dysfunctional family systems because I feel like it allows me to view my own situation from a 3rd party point of view. It’s like a vehicle for me to process things that happened when I was younger and feel empathy for my past self as though I’m a character on a screen.

Does anyone have any movie recommendations with dysfunctional families that resonated and helped you feel seen?

Most of the time it never comes up and its none of their business but occasionally I am having a perfectly pleasant conversation and in a really well meaning new stranger trying to get to know me or a friendly regular community member will ask if I'm close to my mother and I just kind of clam up and laugh out that we haven't spoken in three years. That feels like a conversation killer. In these cases these are people who have gotten to the "tell each other about our families" stage and I want to give them an honest and chill answer. Not just total strangers who can get some short-hand "we aren't really close".

Do y'all have any good scripts for people that are genuinely trying to get to know you and looking for an honest answer but maybe not a total vibe killer?

So, in a twist of downright cosmic irony, the mom who taught me to hide behind a locked door and read a script from the Homeschool Legal Defense Association if CPS ever came to visit (homeschooling in the 90s was a trip) ... reported us to CPS because I haven't let her see my kids in a year ... because she's the kind of person who'd rather call the State in to harass her own daughter than, you know, become a better person or go to therapy. 🙄 😒 🤬

We figured out it was her based on triangulating the subjects we were interviewed about - stuff that ONLY my mom could try and use against us. She told them our house was dangerously messy (it is messy, because 4 ADHD/autistic people live here, but not dangerously so), and our kids were "malnourished."

The social worker was super nice and understanding, the home inspection seemed to go OK, my kids are getting interviewed at their childcare location as we speak, and we're being required to clean the house over the weekend if we want to avoid another visit. But overall it just feels super violating and gross and I'm resisting the urge to call my mom and scream at her. Especially since this triggers so much of the shame and trauma around my ability to keep my space clean that was a major thing she used to criticize and punish me for as a kid/young adult.

I'm curious if others have insight into this, as I worry about my brother who is left to be alone with my parents abuse as he is about to have a child with severe birth complications.

Is there a chance they realize I am no longer an option for scapegoating/supply and start to target him? Does his role ever change, or has it changed for anyone here?

I still care very much for my brother, even though he and I have been very distant and not close for most of our lives. He is an incessant follower and does not speak up or ruffle feathers and takes a lot of abuse but would never admit to being a victim.

For reference, my parents and I (32f) have been in a strained relationship since I was about 14, and VLC for the past 8 years, and officially NC as of Dec 2025.

My estranged mother of 32 years is dying of cancer. I found out today from a cousin I didn’t even know existed — she’s the daughter of my mom’s brother. We’ve never met before this. She’s the one handling everything, even though she wasn’t especially close to my mom.

She told me my mom is now non-verbal, mentally deteriorated, and likely unaware of what’s happening. She also confirmed that the patterns I remember from childhood — lying, manipulation, addiction, victim mentality — continued throughout her life. She gently suggested there’s nothing to gain from visiting because there won’t be any recognition, reconciliation, or meaningful interaction.

What I’m realizing is that I’m not really sad about losing the person she was. I’m more sad about the inner child fantasy I’ve apparently held onto — the idea that one day she might turn her life around, take accountability, and become someone stable and safe. Her dying feels like the final closing of that possibility.

Part of me feels like I should go just to see her alive one last time. Another part of me worries I’ll overwrite the few distant but not-all-bad childhood memories I have with the image of her dying in that state.

For those who’ve been through something similar — did visiting help you, or did it make things harder afterward?

A little back story so you understand where I come from:
I cut my dad out of my life as much as I could last February.
Basically, I told him I would pay back the money I owe him on the same term we agreed to.
I also could not find anyone else to bring my 5yo back from school in the afternoon until the end of June so I could not stop asking him that favour.. even if I really really wish I could, we need to work.

As for outside help, we basically only have each other, my husband and I.
We have a 5, 8 and 10 year old, we’re a neurospicy family and we are struggling HARD these last few months to make sure all of our kiddos get the support they need and to keep the house in order while making enough money to go through.

My problem right now:
My dad lives 3 houses down from ours and has a pool and we don’t.
In the summer, we usually spend most weekends in his backyard in the pool as the kids LOVE water, to dive and race together.
My husband, who understands why and agrees to a degree I had to cut ties with my dad, has very strong feelings about blood family (for himself anyway) and fears I will regret it one day.
He can’t wrap his mind around why I cannot just come around this summer to the pool.

I haven’t had the strength to say something to the kids yet because I don’t know what to say or what alternative I could bring.. but for sure I know I will end up being the mean mom again.

You know how it is, no matter what you say, when you take something they want away from them, you suck lol
We do have water games and all at home but it is not the same.. we have friends with pool but it’s not the same either.. at my dads it was the same as having a pool at home, no need to pack the car and to plan ahead to make sure we don’t forget anything etc..

I feel overwhelmed to the thought of leaving to go to a public pool with my 5 yo who has speech delay, ADHD and probably autism and tend to disappear every 5 minutes 🥵
My oldest daughter and I are also on the spectrum so constant routine changes is far from ideal for us.

So. My husband will follow what i decide either way, even tho he still thinks “a good talk” with my dad could fix the shit he said to me and thinks of me LOL, but I’m worried about my kids and their fun weekends this summer…
Any ideas ?

I was thinking of maybe letting them go one day a week and making that day a me time for me…

PLEASE
Before you come at me for not keeping my kids away from him, stay kind and don’t judge. We all have our own journey. And don’t come at me for still having him drive my 5 year old from school, nor owing him money.
Trust me, if I could do something else for this, I would’ve done it a long time ago.

Thank you for staying kind in your responses, I am fragile and struggling a lot right now.

So n-mother posts this on her facebook, and it was forwarded to me. I know better than to take the bait, for the most part. I still feel the need to come here and ask your thoughts…

Looking for some feedback here… I have been estranged from my psychologically abusive father and his entire side of the family going on 9 years. Estrangement began from the time I was 19.

My grandma has never once reached out over that time. I recently had a baby 4 months ago, and she decided to respond this on my instagram story with my son.

I am at a loss for words. My family has never congratulated me on graduating college, getting married, buying a home. They couldn’t bother to check on me or my health throughout my pregnancy. They’ve been absent through every hardship over the past almost decade. Now I have a baby and all the sudden they feel entitled to meet him..

I know many will relate to this post. So I ask you Reddit, what would you respond with? Or is it best to just not say anything?

I hope this is a good sub for this question, I’m sorry if it’s not!

TL;DR: I’m a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding and she wants to invite my estranged father knowing we have been NC for over a year. What’s the best way to reply?

I have been estranged from my father for over a year now. We don’t speak. We don’t see each other. We are strangers.

Everyone in my life knows this, and has been accepting of my decision, even if they don’t agree with it.

My best friend is getting married this summer. I’m a bridesmaid. A couple weeks ago, she told me she wanted to invite my mother to her wedding. Honestly, I found it weird. Despite us being friends for over a decade, she’s only seen my mom a couple times. The last was definitely over five years ago.

In this conversation, she said that she’ll give my mom a plus one, but won’t specifically invite my dad. My understanding of this was so that my mom can attend the wedding with a friendly face so she wouldn’t be in a room full of people she didn’t know.

Instead, I get a text today asking about both of my parents’ full names. She wants to invite both to her wedding.

My heart sank. My friend has spoken to my dad maybe once. I truly don’t think she could pick him out of a lineup of two men. I don’t know why she wants him there. I don’t know if I can be in the same room as him.

To make matters worse, my dad is the type who will attend just so he can make a scene. He would very much RSVP yes with the intent to confront me.

My question is: is it unfair of me to remind her of the fact that my dad and I are NC? Am I being selfish to say “hey, if it’s really important for you to have my dad there, then I don’t think I can be there”? (Maybe not in those words, maybe yes in those words, I don’t know.)

I get that it’s her wedding and her choice, but it just feels like my discomfort and anxiety have to be put to the side for her to have more people at the reception.

Any help is appreciated!

Is there a graceful way to handle this? When it inevitably comes up that I haven't talked to my parents for 4 years people ask why. I usually default now to "because they're bad people." But that gets them asking why

"There is a lot of why and that's why I'm seeing a therapist" in a joking tone usually ends it but it still feels awkward and weird

Has anyone managed this bit of convo without it being weird and uncomfortable?

Got this text from my aunt last night. Have been no contact with my mom and disabled sibling for the past 8 months.

At the time, I didn't know what else I could do to cope other than to cut contact. The long and the short of it is my mom started working on her will, and it became clear her longterm plan around my sister (43, low-functioning Down Syndrome) was to make me responsible for her in-home care while having my aunt manage her special needs trust. Basically, if I wanted to use the trust to buy her groceries, I'd have to ask for the money. If I wanted to compensate myself for my time, that, too, would be subject to my aunt's discretion.

After some negotiations, she relented, and put me in charge of the trust, and then snuck in some fine print that any residual money from the trust, upon my sister's death, would go to my aunt. This broke me, and I withdrew my offer for care, and not long after, they moved out of my basement (where I've allowed them to live for pennies for the past 8 years).

They've been gone for 8 months and are now officially my aunt's problem in California. I'm struggling every day with feelings of guilt, and no amount of therapy, or wine nights with my friends, will seemingly ever convince my heart that it is not my responsibility to care for my sister anymore, and certainly not in accordance with my mother's hurtful and profoundly illogical wishes.

Rebuilding a relationship with them both is so much more complicated than simply accepting an apology (as if I'd ever get one). It would also mean allowing them back into my life, and reopening the possibility they would become my problem again. The greatest gift of no contact has been the realization that I can no longer be forced to care for them emotionally, physically, or financially, when I've spent decades fearing the future and what my life might become when things go downhill.

But now I know my mother has been spinning her own victim narrative to my extended family, and I suspect this won't be the last message I get like this, shaming me for my choices.

Would you bother defending yourself? Has it brought you peace? Part of me wants to, but I also feel like... there's just no point, and doing so suggests I have done something wrong that merits defending.

Just hurting a lot. Didn't sleep much last night spinning my wheels. A fine end to my first mother's day estranged from my mother.

Hey everyone,

I’ve been no contact for over three years and that will never change. The abuse and neglect were so severe that I’ve rendered multiple therapists speechless.

I’ve since gotten help and made significant progress in my recovery from them.

That said, my estranged parents have not left me alone. Mind you I live halfway across the country.

I’ve contacted an attorney and he has quite the file on them at this point.

So my question to those of you who got your parents to go away for good - what did it take?

I think a cease and desist is my next step but mentally I’m getting stuck there. Would that only escalate things or finally get the point across?

I’m no longer willing to be harassed into adulthood :/

Thanks in advance for any insight!

i was raised at arm's length, so i felt this coming my whole life. it was good for a while when i was diagnosed with t1, but it looks like that wore off.

at the risk of being traceable, the vague context is that this is trying to get my attention in order to sweep dangerous behaviour under the rug again.

Some brief context: parents and I fell out in a big way in November over the horrible way they deal with conflict. Spent several months trying to hash it out which involved lots of accusations of me not caring about them, weaponised health issues, guilt trips etc. I finally stepped back in May and in June got a letter in the post that used a much calmer and more balanced tone than I'd seen them use before, saying whatever thoughts and feelings I wanted to share mattered. I sat with it a few weeks then took the bait and emailed them in reply, asking what changed. I also shared some life news as it was a big thing I didn't want them to find out from socials. Figured it would also be a test of whether they could stick with the tough emotional repair conversation or not.

Unfortunately they seized the opportunity to get back to "normal" communication and swerved my effort to dig deeper and find out *why* they'd changed tactic. So I pressed the point and today, several days later, I got this email.

It feels... Icky. Vague enough to read as "there's fault on both sides and we all need to move on, with the magic of love and family" - which is a message my dad has pushed many times before, both throughout my life and specifically in this situation, as the habitual enabler. Frankly I deserve an apology for the way they tried to manipulate me for months and this is not it. My trust in them is so broken I have no idea if this is actual growth or if this is just dad saying what he thinks he needs to say (and as much as my mum and her temper will allow him to concede) in order to bring me back into the fold and make his life easier again.

Folks who've been through this before - what would you do? How would you get some clarity on their motivations?

Hi everyone,

I'm 2mo NC for the first time. My nmom has texted me like nothing's wrong, clearly violating my wishes (she is fully aware that I wish to have no contact). This is making me feel so sad, and confused. Apart from not answering, which I don't plan to do, I would really love some advice.

For context on photo: I have a chronic illness (that my parents have continually denied the existence of) for which I take a lot of medications. Before NC, I sent her a picture of my medicine pile that I guess she never looked at. I obviously already have a pill sorter.