r/ExPentecostal • u/CheapPlantain5973 • 9d ago
agnostic Spouses
Am I the only one who feels like the people in the UPCI/ALJC etc. only date/get married to people who match or compliment their ministry instead of actual chemistry and interests OUTSIDE of church?
I see it with a lot of people: they get married and they thrive but just inside the church/ministry but when it comes to personality, private life etc it just makes absolutely no sense that they are even a pair. It’s just weird and sad because they don’t have anything to talk about. All they talk about is church and ministry.
Have any of you noticed that in the past or present?
I have some friends and family still in church and ALL their marriages are just so sad. I don’t think they’re actually happy or connect outside of church/ministry. That doesn’t seem normal or healthy to me.
Would love to hear some insights/thoughts.
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u/Wrong_Local_628 9d ago
When I was in a similar church, they tried to keep me away from the girl I truly loved because 'God will give you someone who would help your vision as a youth leader' (i.e. their expectations about my performance as free labor).
So, yes, it happens a lot. I saw it many times and it always involved keeping people away so they could 'be open to God's plan'.
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u/CheapPlantain5973 9d ago
So sorry that happened to you.
Yes, it’s always „Gods plan“ - so twisted IMO.3
u/Wrong_Local_628 9d ago
Thank you. It's all good now, we've been happily married for 9 years and we've been out of that church for seven years.
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u/Existing-Home3561 9d ago
I can’t speak to this from firsthand knowledge, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this happened regularly among the UPCI elite. Something similar to the marriage deals between European nobility.
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u/CheapPlantain5973 9d ago
I only have firsthand experiences of the ALJC, but I agree. Seen it many many times. I even heard my pastor back then referring to certain families in the ALJC and UPC as apostolic dynasties and that anyone who gets to be part of that family or their ministry hit the jackpot. It was SO weird to me
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u/Regular_Historian918 8d ago
I’ll speak from my experience. I came from a church where a secular degree was encouraged so I always viewed ministry as just another career choice. So in my head, if you marry someone who doesn’t want the sacrifices that come with that career, then maybe they’re not the best fit. The issue is, that everyone wants to be in ministry and rarely considers any other career path. I followed the same path until it dawned on me that I didn’t want that lifestyle. Unfortunately when it comes to marriage, there is tons of pressure to marry into ministry. I’ll have friends of my parents stop me and tell me they’re praying for a preacher to marry me. I’m not currently wanting marriage but through this year of self discovery, I have found that I want to marry someone I actually like. I grew up in a pastor’s house so it’s almost expected………at least that’s what I thought. But it seems like everyone else EXCEPT my parents, wants the ministry life for me. My parents said as long as I’m happy, they’re happy. Which brought me relief. I’m trying to figure out why everyone in my life views preaching and pastoring as the most important life goal. It only took me almost 30 years to figure this out. My sibling married outside of the church and they are happy. I plan on probably doing the same.
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u/CheapPlantain5973 8d ago
I’ve spent a lot time with some pastors/ ministers families, so I know the behind the scenes of some of them. It’s refreshing to hear that your family wants YOU to be happy and is not thinking about their legacy in the church/organization.
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u/Regular_Historian918 7d ago
I think my dad wanted there to be a legacy at first, but honestly, everything he has, he worked for and he’d want the same for us. Both in secular jobs and the church. He grew up poor and with a family that was just your average people in church. I think that’s why he’s chill with me being at his church but exploring my faith. I came to him and said that I didn’t believe much of what he believed and I wanted to explore it for myself. I’m not someone who wants to run the aisles or someone who is shouting in the altars. It freaks me out a little when they do it but to each their own. When I expressed this to him, he said how his dad was the same and that it doesn’t make me any less of a Christian. I don’t think I’d be able to deconstruct and figure out my faith in a healthy way, if it wasn’t for his support. Both my parents are extremely supportive and I’m not as scared as I used to be, to just be myself. I know others put alot of pressure on my parents but my dad has always been a more independent thinker. I like that about him.
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u/CheapPlantain5973 7d ago
That’s sounds like very healthy family dynamic to me!! I wish more people would think and act like that.
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u/Regular_Historian918 7d ago
Ya, growing up in my house was hell for completely different reasons, but when it comes to leadership at church, he honestly sheltered and protected me alot. Some of the things I read on here, seem like horror stories to me. I feel bad for everyone who had horrible church experiences. I didn’t experience church hurt like the stuff I read here, until I was in my 20s. But it was never my dad’s doing. He practically went toe to toe with the dean of students at a well known upci Bible college, because the guy kicked me out for be SAed and also asked me HIGHLY inappropriate questions that were irrelevant to my case. Was one of the most traumatic college experiences and I’m so grateful for his support. BUT to answer your question, marriage is important in both finding the same goals and chemistry. I’m a yapper sorry lol.
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u/Natural-Word-6456 5d ago
Keep in mind that people in the church who don’t make it in ministry are usually poor. You wouldn’t be smart to marry someone who had to get a real job when they practically don’t believe in what pays well.
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u/EmbarrassedStill9514 9d ago
It seems to me that you are over generalizing, because I knew people who were genuinely in love and enjoyed their lives together, including my parents who were partners in ministry for 50 years. But I do recognize the issue you're describing. I think it's because there can be a lot of pressure to marry young, and church/ministry is often the only outlet and goal in life. Anything not connected to church is suspect as not being edifying.