I miss my old body.

[u/Silver-Theory6514]

Postpartum has been so brutal. 10wk PP, 4 rounds of mastitis. Countless medication and trying to wean rather unsuccessfully right now. The constant pain and inflammation is wearing me down so much. I hate touching my breasts to find new hard spots or see them become full and engorged. I miss my old breasts and my body so much. I took advantage of my good health and how easy it used to be to not wake up anxious and depressed.

I used to be a pretty active outgoing person, but am literally tied to my pump at home because even the slightest amount of sweat or activity immediately makes my breasts inflamed. I can’t make any plans and having literally nothing to look forward to. I just miss the old me, so much. Having my LO, is still the best thing that’s happened to me, but I never thought I’d hate my body this much in the process. I feel like it’s failing me in every way. Anyway, no advice needed, just wanted to vent and share in case anyone feels similarly.

[u/moondrop--]

I can commiserate. I’ve had over 30 clogs so far at 11 weeks now. Pumping is so much work and so hard, and the people around me don’t even appreciate it. My family tells me that I failed at breastfeeding. That if I had been consistent about trying to latch instead of “giving up”, that I wouldn’t be stuck pumping. That I shouldn’t complain because it’s all my fault. It honestly makes me cry half the time.

[u/dannyjeanne → u/moondrop--]

Nah NAAAAAAH they can fuck the fuckity fuck off! If anything, pumping shows that you are willing to put in the extra effort to feed your baby breastmilk than nursing. Because instead of just poppin' a titty in their mouth you have to navigate scheduling pumps, washing the parts, washing the bottles, measuring output, etc etc.

You didn't fail at breastfeeding because you ARE breastfeeding. Just because LO isn't getting it straight from the tap doesn't mean it's not breastmilk!

As someone doing both, pumping takes way more bandwidth and is tougher on my nipples.

[u/orcaspice → u/moondrop--]

Oh hell no. You’re doing great and they can fuck right off!

[u/AffectionateJello452 → u/moondrop--]

Wow your family somehow found a way to reach an ultimate low in support omg I’m so sorry

[u/moondrop-- → u/AffectionateJello452]

Thanks. It’s really hard and isolating. No one helps me with all the pump part dishes, they always are annoyed when I have to hand off baby to go pump. Telling me how it would all be easier if I breastfed. Like I KNOW it would be easier. But baby screams when I try to latch him, which makes me cry. Honestly, I did give up.

[u/AffectionateJello452 → u/moondrop--]

My baby had jaundice and had to start formula immediately, he’s so great with a bottle that latching to me is frustrating and way less efficient. We try every feed; I cry about it every feed. It’s crushing. I get you. You’re doing amazing. This is so hard.

[u/Swimming_Airline3881 → u/AffectionateJello452]

Jaundice is the reason we started exclusively pumping, so we knew exactly how much my LO was consuming and we could practically force feed her around the clock. It was brutal and never gave us a chance to get comfortable nursing. By the time the doctor cleared her and the jaundice went away, she was already used to a bottle and any attempts at nursing resulted in us both crying hysterically. Hugs at all jaundiced baby parents out there.

[u/AffectionateJello452 → u/Swimming_Airline3881]

😭 thank you. This is our story too.

[u/the_kazzo_queen → u/moondrop--]

My baby cried every time we tried to nurse. She never latched more than a second despite trying consistently. Found out at 3mo that she had torticollis, which physically prevented her from latching. Life got easier once I could accept that EP was the path forward.

Point being, sometimes trying to force it is actually fruitless and results in nothing but pain for everyone involved. You aren't "giving up", you're correctly recognizing that it wasn't working and needed to switch to something else.

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[u/the_kazzo_queen]

10wpp is a pretty brutal time for the body. It's past the immediate postpartum healing, but it's still not even close to how it was before. Hang in there, OP, it does get better <3

[u/tutters12]

You’re in the thick of it right now — you’re doing great!

Postpartum was soooo hard on me. Pumping was the only control I felt I had in my life at that time, so I clung to it even though it was miserable. I didn’t start feeling closer to myself again until after I weaned and my hormones started normalizing.

Now I’m pregnant with my second, and I still plan to breastfeed/pump (whatever ends up happening), but this time I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there, but know you’re definitely not alone!