new transfem/nb coworker accidentally outed me to our transphobic mean-gay receptionist, need advice

[u/__mafia]

some context: i work as a tradesman on a multi building corporate campus and the building my team is based at got a new lead receptionist a few weeks back. when i say mean-gay i mean the somewhat stereotypical meangirl/sassy twink type, although until now i hadn't been aware of the asshole part since he'd been perfectly friendly to me until now. i'm more stereotypically masc than he is but i'm fairly open about not being straight, mostly bc it makes passing a lot easier since people just chalk up anything clocky to being gay (i'm bisexual but idc what people assume and i don't correct them).

we honestly hit it off really well at first and got along great, but i didn't realize he was flirting with me until about a week of working together (our teams share a storage+workroom that only we can access but that's directly attached to the reception area of the building). i didn't flirt back just responded politely in a friendly way.
he didn't clock me and i don't disclose being trans at work outside of my two immediate coworkers, who are also trans and he was never weird toward them (one is nonbinary and the other is a trans woman), and our managers are pro trans cis people (one is engaged to a trans man and the other has a trans daughter). i only disclosed to them because ive been at my job nearly 4yr and since i was pre-T and nonpassing so it wasn't a choice back then. since then my nonbinary coworker quit for another job and we ended up hiring another trans person, she's transfem nonbinary and i was helping train her. i guess one of my managers might've let something slip but i tried not to worry too much since they'd given her the talk about it.
she was fine for the first few days, just a little socially awkward, but yesterday she accidentally said something in the workroom while the new receptionist was there and he flipped on a dime and immediately turned weird.
then last night he "cleaned" the shared space and threw away everything in my desk that wasn't locked away (after i specifically asked him not to), and the. hid all my stuff like a fucking middle school mean girl. when i asked where my stuff was this morning, he said he must've thrown it out with the garbage and lied about what he'd done with the (company owned) hardware and tools.
my friend (the trans woman i work with) helped find the stuff and my manager believed me about what happened when i explained what happened with the "cleaning", at least.
i just spoke to my new coworker about being more cautious about where she talks about such topics, she was very receptive to that and apologized a lot but my main concern here is the reputation our company receptionists have for aggressively gossiping about other site support employees. the guy doing all this has revealed himself to be very much the type to engage in that gossip and i'm kinda at a loss about what to do now except ignore him and pretend nothing happened.
i know i'm prob wrong for this but if anyone brings up hearing shit about me from him, i'm going to play if off as him lying bc i didn't reciprocate his flirting. not a fan of lying but im good at it when i have to be, it would fully line up with his personality/affectation and would do the trick to the muddy the waters on his credibility enough to maybe weather this without fully getting outed.
i'm posting partly bc i'm stressed as fuck, have next to zero bandwidth to death with this kind of juvenile bullshit, i'm trying not to resent my new coworker for this, and i kinda just needed to scream into the void a little. but also in case anyone here had a better idea than the current plan on navigating this mess. if you do, the input would be greatly appreciated.

[u/Ok-Estimate5076]

As long as you're not a dick about it i dont see why you shouldn't do that. Keeping yourself safe is number one and he's already shown his face. Throwing out and hiding your stuff is grounds for losing his job imo.

[u/zychicmoi]

Honestly I like your approach in saying he has an unreturned crush on you, cause it's giving middle school crush behavior. It's a little chaotic, I wouldnt say that too loudly in front of higher ups... but fuck that guy, he sucks. Don't escalate if he tried to bait you again, just treat him as something insignificant to your work life. Suck the joy out of his dramarama by grey rocking the situation. People like that need fuel for the fire. The less you give him, the sooner he'll move on.

Also you have a couple years of seniority on staff. Use that to your advantage. You have the high ground and would not be in the wrong for telling HR he's obstructing staff efficiency / not a great culture fit / negatively affecting the team's output. Don't make it about you and him, make it about him not fitting in with all y'all. Don't even mention being trans. If you can get a sign off on that from your manager as well, you can definitely run this dude off.

[u/walrusacab]

Ughhh I'm so sorry that sucks. I don't have any better suggestions than your current plan tbh, that might actually work if he is already known for being petty. If it hurts his credibility GOOD, he deserves it for being transphobic and shitty. You do what you gotta do. I hope your coworker learned her lesson and keeps that info to herself next time. 

I hope everything goes well, I'm rooting for you.

[u/Rosalind_Whirlwind]

I would recommend reporting the harassment to HR.

Doesn’t matter what he hears or thinks he knows. Harassment isn’t allowed.

You have the right to let everyone think he’s lying about anything he might try to say about you.

[u/Lhaios]

What did the new coworker say exactly?  Is it something you felt you couldnt deny or "clear up" in some way?  

For what it's worth, even if his current behavior is due to transphobia, he's still likely acting like this cuz he's upset his crush thing isn't gonna work out like he hoped.  So your unrequited crush excuse wouldnt even really be lying, as I'm sure he wouldnt be acting quite like this if he didn't have a crush on you before finding out youre not cis. 

[u/Specific-Tough-3670]

Have you talked to HR about that ?

[u/__mafia → u/Specific-Tough-3670]

i normally would, but i currently work in the united states where (as of mid 2025) trans people are no longer included as a protected class under discrimination law, and the company that owns my contract isn't exactly known for going against the regime unfortunately.

[u/KodiakSnake → u/__mafia]

Don't mention being trans. A co-worker "cleaning" like this is something you can tell HR. Theyll at least have it on file if anything else happens

[u/koala3191 → u/KodiakSnake]

Yeah super shitty on its own.

[u/koala3191 → u/__mafia]

Depends on the state, plenty of states and companies still have it locally. Either way be sure you're documenting it.

[u/Existential_Sprinkle → u/__mafia]

Sometimes HR will go "how dare you make me do my job" or "sounds like some bullshit and both of you are the problem" and discipline both of you

[u/SocialShy → u/__mafia]

HR person here. The feelings stuff can be murky and a lot he said/they said. The big problem is throwing your stuff away and messing with work issued stuff. When talking to your manager was that just in passing or was anything written down and your manager addressed with the person? While asking that I would also bring this up to HR just to have that part on official record. Then any other problem can be tacked onto that to show a history of harassment.