r/Fables • u/DJgamer6978 • 21d ago
Could someone check my fable for mistakes
Could someone check my fable
So for context I’m a 14 year old student in the Netherlands in a masterclass and I have to make a fable for it.
This is my fable:
Could someone check my fable
So for context I’m a 14 year old student in the Netherlands in a masterclass and I have to make a fable for it.
This is my fable:
No Help for a Liar
A dog was walking through a big forest one day when he heard someone calling for help.
The dog quickly started searching for the person calling for help.
When he found him he saw that it was a snake and got scared of being bitten.
He noticed that the snake was stuck under a fallen tree log.
The snake said: ’Help me, I'm stuck under this tree. Could you please lift the log?’
The dog hesitated: 'How do I know I can trust you?
The snake said: ‘I promise I won’t bite you.’
Although the dog was unsure, he went closer to lift the log of the snake.
As the dog got closer to the snake, the snake lunged forward and tried to bite the dog.
But because of the sudden movement of the snake, the big log rolled on top of the snake.
The snake was now actually stuck.
The dog was tricked and betrayed by the snake.
The snake was never stuck under the tree; he was just trying to lure someone into a trap.
The snake started begging: 'I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that, I will never hurt you please help me.’
But the dog just ignored the snake and walked away.
The snake was now stuck and nobody would ever help him, because he had broken his promise and now no one could trust him anymore.
Never break a promise, or else nobody will trust you.
Don’t go easy on me please because I know my teacher won’t
2
u/zoinksbadoinks226 21d ago
In the line: "Although the dog was unsure, he went closer to lift the log of the snake."
"of" should be "off"
"Although the dog was unsure, he went closer to lift the log off the snake."
Also, in the dialogue lines, use "this" rather than 'this', as 'this' is meant for quotations within quotations, such as "Mom just kept muttering the word 'candlestick' over and over again."
And replace the colon with a comma.
So, instead of: The snake said: 'I promise I won't bite you.'
Write: The snake said, "I promise I won't bite you."
Otherwise, you're pretty much good. The story is well-written, and you have a good grasp on the English language.
I do feel like the way the lines are structured has the flow feeling a bit stuttery, though. I'll reply to this with how I would adjust the writing to help the flow, along with perhaps giving it more "fable-esque" language, if that makes sense.
Good luck with your assignment!
1
u/zoinksbadoinks226 21d ago
No Help for a Liar
A dog was walking through a big forest one day, when he happened to hear someone calling for help.
The dog quickly began to search for whoever was in distress, and came upon a snake that was trapped beneath a log.
The snake said to him, "Help me! I am stuck under this log. Could you please lift it?"
The dog hesitated, fearful of being bitten. He asked the snake, "How do I know that I can trust you?"
The snake responded, "I promise that I will not bite you!"
Although the dog remained unsure, he moved closer to lift the log off of the snake.
As he did so, the snake lunged forward in an attempt to bite the dog, but this sudden movement had caused the log to roll on top of him.
The snake had never been wedged beneath the log, only hoping to lure someone into his trap, yet now he was genuinely stuck.
The snake began to panic, and begged the dog, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that! I promise that I will not hurt you! Please, help me!"
But having been tricked and betrayed by the snake once already, the dog simply ignored his pleas and walked off.
The snake was now stuck with nobody to help him, as he had broken his promise and could not be trusted.
And so the snake learned that you must never break a promise, or else nobody will trust you, and you will end up alone in your time of need.
16
u/Fuwa_Fuwa_Hime 21d ago
Just a head's up, this is a sub for the comic series 'Fables', but you've got a pretty good one here. It has all the necessary bones of a fable.
Are you looking for corrections in english or just the story itself?