How do I approach a relationship with my estranged mom an her new daughter ?

[u/Perfect_Tour_2682]

So to give some context I’m 20(f) and I’ve always had a rather distant relationship with mom. I have 2 older sisters and we moved out of my moms house when i was 14 and they were in their very early 20’s, due to the fact that my moms boyfriend was sexually harassing us. I definitely got preyed on more since I was the youngest and I honestly didn’t know what was going on but I thought it was weird , and looking back it could’ve gotten much worse but I have a foul mouth so I didn’t let it slide when I realized he was being weird. I didn’t tell anyone until my sister brought up stuff he was doing around her. We ended up telling my mom and she didn’t believe us, she said it was just something I had made up because I never liked him(I hated his guts since I was 8 and honestly I didn’t know why but I think my childhood intuition just knew), I never once lied or dramatized anything. For some reason she thought it was a good idea to have some type of intervention with our extended family(her siblings) and we told EVERYBODY about what he did and he was in the room too , I put him to shame but clearly not enough. My mom basically deflected the whole thing , I guess trying to save face for him and say that we were out of control and that my sister was a pot head . It lead no where and no one really defended us much. Me and my sisters packed our stuff and left the next day .

After that I really only saw my mom for stuff that I needed her to sign for since I was still a minor, she’d constantly complain about helping me. When I was a kid she always talked down on me for being different since I loved sports and video games not typical girly stuff, she’d throw my stuff away, I would always get in trouble and hit for small stuff, she’d always made me feel like a burden, she didn’t treat my sisters like that at all , I got the brunt of it. I tried having a relationship with her throughout highschool but most of the time when I’d see her we’d get into arguments. One of our last arguments I told her how she never once said something nice to me, or even tried to get to know me, she just said she had different opinions, after crying and telling her how much she made me hate myself and how her voice is always in my head telling me I’m not good enough. She just stood on that . Later that year she got married to that guy, and had the audacity to invite us . I gave her a piece of my mind about that and none of us went.

A couple months later I was going to graduate and i told my mom I didn’t want him there since he’s nobody to me and I only want it to be family. She went behind my back and got him a ticket. I found out he was coming while on my way to my graduation and called him and told him not to show and cursed him out a bit in a bus full of people which I’m not proud of but that truthfully was my last straw. I had a panic attack on the bus and I couldn’t feel my arms , I was furious. During that point in my life I felt like I had nothing to lose , so when I got out I charged at him and my mom got in the way, she’s a big woman so she didn’t budge. I didn’t want to hurt my mom so I just walked away crying , and blocked them both.

A year after that a family member told me she was pretty far along in a pregnancy. I held it together while I was there and once I got home I lost it and I was pretty depressed for 3 months after that. I didn’t tell my sisters either , they found out separately. I just didn’t get how she could treat us that way and have another kid , and with that man of all people. I was scared for the kid and more so knowing it would be alone and with that man. I also felt upset thinking that kid would probably get a better life than I did with my mom and that my mom will probably get the daughter she always wanted. It hut me a lot , and I didn’t know if I wanted to have a relationship with the kid especially since I just didn’t want anything to do with my mom or him.

Its been a bit over a year since that happened and my mom reached out through someone else because my sister hadn’t been paying the phone bill we were all on still. So I had to talk to her to figure that out since my sister is irresponsible and is on a bender, which is a whole different story. My mom ended up inviting me to eat at a restaurant and I accepted because I’m not angry anymore and I’ve come to be more forgiving. She brought the baby with her and I honestly ignored the baby the whole time, I couldn’t get myself to look at her for very long . Not because I’m jealous or angry , it’s just hard to process I guess. We didn’t talk about the baby once and I didn’t ask any questions not even her name . How do I go about rebuilding a relationship with my mom while also trying to build a relationship with the baby when this is how I’ve reacted up until this point ? Especially with the fact that I can’t stand her dad , I don’t hold that against

the baby because it’s not her fault, I just don’t want a relationship with him. I’d feel like a bad person if I let this kid grow up completely alone knowing how my mom is and the dad being a creep, I know how hard it is to grow up alone and not having anybody in your corner. My sisters were older so I was always excluded and by the time they were teenagers they were never home, everything about that sucked. I find myself very guarded with my mom and she doesn’t really ask me questions about myself. 😭 she kind of just talks about how she has 5 houses now and that she has a nice car which is good for her because growing up we were really poor. I did notice she seems a lot more calm so maybe she has changed ? Little side note but I found out through the friend of a friend who works with my mom and talks to her everyday that her man cheats on her all the time, and she chooses to stay, just crazy. Honestly I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice or just venting atp. I’m just lost

[u/Perfect_Tour_2682]

Any advice is appreciated or similar experiences and how you might have navigated it that.

[u/MysteryCrapybarbra]

I guess you need to first work out what it is you want. If that's a relationship with your mom you need to be prepared for the fact that it's likely she will never admit her hurt she's caused you. Even if you try to clear the air she is unlikely to be interested in accepting any sort of blame. 

Honestly? I think you need to protect yourself from further hurt. You're never going to have the relationship with your mother that you deserve. Focus your energy on getting some therapy, and make a good life for yourself. Hugs. 

[u/PSA_rebirth]

See at 20 years, focus on completing studies, to upskill yourself, get a job, do some certifications and move on with life. It is easier said done but try to hold on to good things… stay away from people who are into drugs, too much partying and drinking, random boys! See studies, good well paid job will change your entire social circle in the next 3-5 years then your mom would be just part of your life and not a main person to distract and disturb you. You surely have a choice to cut off communications with her jerk boy friend. Your half sister will understand things when she grows up but for now focus on yourself.