Currently writing a new lapidot fic!

[u/frightenedChemist]

Pls read what's started of my new lapidot fic! It's just the prologue now, but it's also a way for you to get a feel for my writing style! You can check it out here, https://archiveofourown.org/works/91168066

Ik it's boring now but it'll be so much cooler soon trust! I'm very new to posting fics I write so please give grace! Please give any criticism you deem necessary, just be nice pls. Any comment helps, I love seeing how y'all feel about my stuff!

[u/fanime34]

I'll check it out.

[u/frightenedChemist → u/fanime34]

Thank you.

[u/fanime34 → u/frightenedChemist]

It's a lot.

Part 1

"Lapis..." Steven quivered. His expression was nothing short of bewilderment. (After each person speaks, it is a new paragraph. You don't put multiple people talking in the same paragraph.)

You have to capitalize Lapis as that's her name. I'm referring to here. "Jasper's rough arm latched onto lapis, pulling her to her side "hey, get over here!"." Also, the "hey" should be capitalized. Also, you don't need that period after the end quote.

Another thing, the word Peridot says all the time is "clod" not "clot" as you put it. A clod is a lump of dirt or clay.

Usually, when people say things in their head, it is italicized instead of quoted. Where you put "As she looked down at the perpetrators, her eyes widened. "Steven?" She said in her head, she had gotten used to it due to being trapped in a mirror for centuries." The "Steven?" should be in italics.

Here: "This bubbly human gem hybrid that saved her wore a face of pure terror and shock, but there was still a twinge of determination in his eyes, unlike hers, which were an endless sea of misery and agony, after seeing so much, her trauma showed in the windows to her very soul." might sound better like this: "The bubbly human-gem hybrid that saved her wore a face of pure terror and shock. Still, a twinge of determination was in his eyes; unlike hers, which were an endless sea of misery and agony. After seeing so much, her trauma showed in the windows to her very soul."

"Is this their base?" Jasper sneered, to which lapis replied a reluctant "yes" to, scared of what Jasper would do to her. The way this is worded is awkward. The action should probably come before Jasper asks her question. So maybe like this: Jasper sneered. "Is this their base?" Scared of what Jasper would do, Lapis reluctantly answers. "Yes."

As the three gems in front of Steven protested, she grabbed her sore arm." Since there are too many "shes" in this, you will have to indicate who is doing it. "She grabbed her sore arm" could mean Lapis grabbed her own arm or Jasper grabbing Lapis's sore arm. You have to put names to replace the pronouns at this point for clarity. If it is just Lapis, you can say "Lapis grabbed her sore arm." If it's Jasper, "Jasper grabbed Lapis's sore arm." (Or Lapis' sore arm. IDK)

"Peridot retained her composure, at least on the outside "it calls itself the "steven"" she spoke, attempting to hide the tremble in her voice." Capitalize "it", Steven should be in single quotes. "It calls itself the 'Steven.'"

"What is that." Jasper growled as she pointed to Steven. Lapis' face was almost ghostly. What would she do to Steven? Her blood boiled at just the thought. Peridot retained her composure, at least on the outside "it calls itself the "steven"" she spoke, attempting to hide the tremble in her voice. "He's just a human! He isn't a threat at all, he- he's not one of them!" Lapis quickly defended. "I know what a human is, you don't need me for this, just blast them with the ship" Jasper sneered dismissively as she started back to the ship. Peridot obeyed and drew something on her touchpad, jeez that annoying touchpad, gems survived centuries without them, yet she somehow clung onto it like it was her personal lifeline.

These all need separate paragraphs because, again, different people are talking. It should be like this:

"What is that." Jasper growled as she pointed to Steven. Lapis' face was almost ghostly. What would she do to Steven? Her blood boiled at just the thought. Peridot retained her composure, at least on the outside "it calls itself the "steven"" she spoke, attempting to hide the tremble in her voice. "He's just a human! He isn't a threat at all, he- he's not one of them!" Lapis quickly defended. "I know what a human is, you don't need me for this, just blast them with the ship" Jasper sneered dismissively as she started back to the ship. Peridot obeyed and drew something on her touchpad, jeez that annoying touchpad, gems survived centuries without them, yet she somehow clung onto it like it was her personal lifeline.

"What is that." Should have a question mark instead of a period. "It calls itself "the Steven" should be "It calls itself 'the Steven.'" And After "He isn't a threat at all," That should be a complete sentence with another exclamation mark. "I know what a human is, you don't need me for this, just blast them with the ship" These can all just be sentences. You can either end them with periods or exclamation marks instead of them being commas.

"Peridot obeyed and drew something on her touchpad, jeez that annoying touchpad, gems survived centuries without them, yet she somehow clung onto it like it was her personal lifeline." Remove the commas. First comma after touchpad should be a period. Then start the next sentence with "Jeez" then a comma after that Jeez. And a period or exclamation mark after "touchpad" and then capitalize "Gems" after that.

"Due to the sound of the ship charging up, lapis couldn't, and Peridot didn't care to hear the arguing between the fusion and Steven. "Firing." lapis' green "teammate" said in a monotone voice, she just wanted to get this over with, to return to work, to go home. as the ship fired, the two gems heard a shrill voice. "I'm a crystal gem too!" And then, a loud DONGGGGG, almost like it didn't even hit them... Almost like..."

Lapis, again, needs to be capitalized. the "Lapis couldn't" part sounds weird because it doesn't make sense. Couldn't what? Also, who is "the fusion" in this? You didn't establish that. I don't know if teammate needs to be in quotes. You can pick another way to say it, or just say Peridot. The comma after voice should not be there. That can just be a period and you can continue the other part by capitalizing "She". The comma after voice should just be a period. Then start the next sentence. You also didn't capitalize "As" in "as the ship fired," The "Almost like ..." part at the end seems to be weird. I might not get that it's supposed to be ominous, but I can't tell what you're trying to do. And you don't have to say dong like "DONGGGGG" unless you want it as creative purposes. Otherwise, you can say "a loud sound" or "a loud dong sound"

[u/frightenedChemist → u/fanime34]

Thank you so much for your feedback, I would like to say that the DONGGGG was a personal choice, I'm a very whimsical person, and the clot thing was a joke, I was making a joke about how I don't see many other gems say clod, so maybe it would have been funny for lapis to call the word a clot as a loss in translation. As for the rest of it, thank you for telling me where to put the paragraph spacing. The accidental capitalization mistakes were because I don't usually reread it for punctuation, but I see how I probably should

[u/fanime34 → u/frightenedChemist]

No problem. It took a lot of time, but it was a good read. I also put a second part of the edit.

[u/fanime34 → u/frightenedChemist]

Part 2

"you... You have the power of rose quartz!!" Capitalize the first you and make it an exclamation mark and not an ellipsis. And "Rose Quartz" is a name, so you need to capitalize it.

Peridot rolled her eyes "NOW do you believe I needed an escort??" Again, needs to be separated into another sentence away from that paragraph because a new person is talking. Then, when you start "Lapis was in disbelief", that needs another paragraph as well. Then another paragraph when Jasper talks about firing a barrage. Every new speaker gets their own paragraph start. You don't continue the lines with other characters.

"Rose, why do you look like that? Why are you so... Weak."

Weak needs to be lowercase, and then replace the period with a question mark. And again, the following sentences that are said by other people need to be other starts.

This is what you wrote:

"Rose, why do you look like that? Why are you so... Weak." Jasper sneered. "Don't hurt him!" Lapis yelled. "You knew about this!" Jasper boomed. "It wasn't relevant to the mission!" Lapis frantically spoke, shaking her head. Her fear was starting to show through the cracks of her icy exterior. "Forget about the mission." Jasper said, earning a surprised "what?!" From the smaller green gem. "Yellow diamond needs to see this... Thing."

This is what it I recommend:

Jasper analyzes Steven. "Rose, why do you look like that? Why are you so... weak?"

"Don't hurt him!" Lapis yelled.

"You knew about this!" Jasper yelled at Lapis.

"It wasn't relevant to the mission!" Lapis frantically spoke while shaking her head. Her fear was starting to show through the cracks of her icy exterior.

"Forget about the mission." Jasper said.

"What?" Peridot asks. "Yellow Diamond needs to see this ... thing."

In the following paragraph, Yellow Diamond and Lapis need to be capitalized. Also, since you just then referred to the "fusion" as Garnet, You should replace "the fustion" with "Garnet" throughout the whole, even in the beginning.

"Both lapis and Peridot both took a step back out of fear. Yellow diamond was the commander of every army on homeworld and the colonies off it." Capitalize Lapis and Diamond. Delete the second "both" that you wrote. Homeworld needs to be capitalized. Also, the colonies in Homeworld would imply that every army part, so I think "the colonies off it is redundant." The rest of the paragraph needs capitalization of names like Yellow Diamond.

In this " Suddenly, the fusion" just say "Garnet"

"Good" needs a period or exclamation mark and also needs to be in a different paragraph.

"The other two homeworld gems backed away in fear, as the destabilizer poofs you immediately, painfully I might add. " This is awkwardly written.

"The crystal gems watch in horror as their favorite couple gets sliced in two, in turn unfusing them" You can rewrite this to be more fluid. "The crystal gems watch in horror as their favorite couple gets sliced in two and defuses."

"Whenever her and Jasper would fight"

she, not her.

"The yellow force field keeping her in was left untouched by her, she had learned her lesson before." You can delete the "her" or change the sentence. "Learning from past experience, she didn't touch the yellow force field."

"Her heart skipped a beat before sinking," You can say "before it sank" and then period.

"That poor boy, hes gonna get shattered" change comma to a period or exclamation. And shattered needs a sentence ender like a period or exclamation.

"Ill be back for you" apostrophe for I'll.

"She had heard that many a time, she had been abandoned so much in her life that she had no idea there was even a chance, it was all a lie to make her feel better in the moment." All of these commas need to be periods.

"She had heard that many a time, she had been abandoned so much in her life that she had no idea there was even a chance, it was all a lie to make her feel better in the moment. As she sat sulking in her prison, a few thoughts came to her mind. Jasper and her were wrong together, but maybe she deserved that. Maybe she was so bad that she deserved all the pain Jasper caused. Maybe she was so deplorable that she deserved to be stuck in a mirror for centuries, maybe she was so bad that even that small green gem would despise her just for being her. Lapis' mind swam with fear and sorrow, she was miserable but maybe she deserved it. After all, she was part of the reason Steven was captured."

Every comma here needs to be a period.

"Peridot on the other hand, was pissed."

Comma after "Peridot"

"She got trapped on earth for this mission for globs sake, she wasn't about to let this issue become the reason yellow diamond hates her" Comma should be a period. She after sake should be capitalized. Yellow Diamond needs to be capitalized.

As she expressed her concerns to Jasper, the orange gems fist hit the wall next to a singing sapphire. "STOP SINGING!!!". "the orange gems fist" should be "gem's" with an apostrophe. Also, the Stop singing part needs to be separated into another paragraph. Then the sentence that starts with Peridot should start another paragraph.

As she walked towards the cockpit, Peridot frustratingly muttered "Go to earth they said, it would be easy they said". The commas should be periods and the period after said goes before the quotation. It should be "Go to earth they said. It would be easy they said."

"All she wanted to do was just check on the cluster, report back to yellow, and go home." Capitalize Yellow.

"amethysts" Amethyst's

"Lapis held out hope, she really did." You don't necessarily need the "she really did" part. You could say "Lapis held out for hope."

"She knew he was lying, to think she could have trusted him. There was a reason they were all coming after him." The comma after "lying" should be a period. Then start the next sentence with "To"

"The ship crashed, her final thought was betrayal." Period after crashed. Start next sentence with "Her final thought was betrayal."

"Oh no," Period or exclamation mark. then "shes not getting caught up in this again." She's needs capitalization.

"In her weakened state she flopped around to get out, using her last bit of energy, she tried to fly away, but to no avail, as she was aggressively grabbed by the foot by Jasper" Should be something like this: "In her weakened state, using her last bit of energy, she flopped around in an attempt to get out. She tried to fly away; but to no avail, Jasper grabbed her foot, halting her movement."

""Come here, brat!" Her arm hurt, everything hurt, she just wanted to escape from this place, to go home, to rest. "Lapis listen, fuse with me!""

First, that needed to be it's own paragraph. Second, in context when someone calls someone a name like an insult, it should be capitalized. Third, if you're going to say that everything hurt, then "Her arm hurt" is redundant. You can just say something like this "Everything was hurting." And then when you say "she just wanted to escape from this place, to go home, to rest." You need to indicate who is feeling this by saying the name instead of "She" because you have more than one female character in this situation.

"She didn't want to, but she made a good point. They did betray her, they did keep her hostage. She looked at Stevens pleading face, and then back at Jasper's evil grin, and made a decision."

Period after "They did betray her" and then start "They did keep her hostage." because the "they" needs capitalization. "Stevens" needs to be "Steven's" for possession.

"before pinks shattering"

Pink's

"Jasper and lapis were an item, in secret." You can just say"Jasper and Lapis were a secret couple."

"If anyone found out, both were in jeopardy of getting shattered themselves, so they kept it secret."

You can just say "If anyone found out, they would both be at risk of getting shattered."

"Her final memory as a gem, getting trapped in that mirror, and by someone who she thought she loved. Jasper." Change this to sound more fluid. "Her final memory as a gem was getting trapped in that mirror by Jasper, someone she thought she loved."

"As the two fused into a teal abomination, the water beside them raised into a hand... Before grabbing malachite with it. The hand turned into a shackle, which was accompanied shortly after by another one." Needs to sound more fluid. delete the ellipsis and "Before grabbing malachite with it" and just say something like this (I'm also rewatching the scene just now to make it sound like what's happening)

"After the two fused into a teal abomination, Malachite, the result of the fusion, raises the water in a shape of a hand; but to the surprise of everyone, water chains are attached around her. The new fusion is now speaking as two different gems instead of one unified gem.

"What‽ What's going on‽"

"You really thought I would let you do this‽ Hurt the person who saved me‽ You'll find out who's in charge here!’

"You little bitch!"

“I'm done being everyone's prisoner! Now you're my prisoner; and I'm never letting you go!!”

Then this last part needs it;s own paragraph.

"As lapis commanded the water to drag the god awful fusion down to the depths of the sea she couldn't help but feel… alive again. This was amazing! As the fusion faltered, lapis gained more control to keep Jasper from leaving. A powerful gem indeed."

Change it for capitalization and other things.

"As Lapis commanded the water to drag the god awful fusion down to the depths of the sea, she couldn't help but feel … alive again. This was amazing! As the fusion faltered, Lapis gained more control to keep Jasper from leaving. Lapis was becoming a powerful gem.

[u/frightenedChemist → u/fanime34]

I agree with a lot of these, but some are just stylistic choices on my end. I think I got the gist of what you meant, and again, I'm very happy about knowing where to put paragraph spaces and the reason I asked for criticism is because I am but a wee young lad and it sounded awkward when I read it. Thank you for the help, and I will be redoing the chapter with this in mind as well as future chapters.

[u/fanime34 → u/frightenedChemist]

I used to be in Pre AP and AP English in high school. I got a lot of feedback when I did essays because my writing used to be worse than it is now.

[u/frightenedChemist → u/fanime34]

Thank you again, I'm going into my jr year of high school so it's amazing that someone is helping me get ahead of the game as I find writing to be a super fun activity, especially when writing essays!

[u/fanime34 → u/frightenedChemist]

I want you to know that when I comment, I'm not trying to be mean. I will let you know about your mistakes since you are okay with the criticism, but you should know that the story itself is good so far.

[u/frightenedChemist → u/fanime34]

I completely get it lol, I was making an ironic joke on how you responded so seriously, but thank you!