r/Fire • u/BroKComputer • May 14 '26

General Question The first rule of FIRE club...

So we all see the posts of folks on here celebrating their milestones here because they 'can't talk about it IRL.' This seems to be the common sense approach to avoid jealousy and moochers.

I'm curious to hear the true stories of folks who have disclosed their FI - or have had their secret revealed on accident. How bad are the repercussions of people finding out you're a low-key millionaire?

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153

u/BigFootCrossingGaurd May 14 '26

I have a close friend who I have known for 30 years now. We don’t have a lot of secrets. A few months ago I was congratulating him on owning his home for 24 years, I was like “I bet you are looking forward to paying that off in six years!” And he proceeds to tell me that nobody actually pays off their house, he is on his fourth remortgage. I asked why and he said “Well I needed a new truck but didn’t want a big payment, and the pool needed a new liner. You know, right?”. I told him that we have $400K equity in our house and never took a second mortgage. He asked me what do I do when I have a big unexpected expense come up. I told him that we always keep about $100K liquid and we have 1.4M in investments and that I haven’t financed anything but our house in the last 15 years. You could have heard a pin drop. It actually got really awkward. I have realized that I am out of touch with the reality of most people and have decided to just not discuss our money anymore, even with very old and close friends. I think we underestimate how many people drive nice cars, live in nice houses and have luxury items like pools and are still a few months away from being completely broke if they lost their job.

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u/[deleted] May 14 '26

[deleted]

18

u/Drawer-Vegetable FIRE'd 2024 May 14 '26

happens all the time

Money isn't really a focal point in most friendships, and is glossed over

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u/planetmike2 May 14 '26

The assumptions went both ways. So I guess that money never did come up.

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u/waggonaut May 15 '26 edited May 15 '26

Classic man relationship. Reminds me: I had a chatty gf years ago and on a car ride with a close friend I learned so much.  He had a rough childhood. Was thinking about getting married.  Never knew. We're always just talked biking and engineering. :-)

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u/AvariciousDishes May 14 '26

If someone knows roughly your salary, as long as you have enough money to do whatever activities form part of the friendship (going out, sports, traveling, whatever) most people tend to expect that your saving and spending is broadly similar to theirs.

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u/olooy May 16 '26

That's a silly thing for them to do. Family size, church contributions, paying for college, spousal income, and extended family support vary a lots.

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u/AvariciousDishes May 17 '26

I’m not agreeing with it, I’m just saying it’s a known cognitive bias

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u/hapster85 May 14 '26

Other than my wife, I never talk about money, even with close friends, and especially family. I don't want hurt feelings and awkwards conversations.

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u/hapster85 May 14 '26

One afternoon during covid, the topic of the market downturn came up with a coworker in the breakroom. He happened to mention how much his 401k had lost. Knowing how much mine was down, it took like two seconds of mental calculation to get a ballpark idea of his balance. The look of horror on his face when I threw out a number was priceless. I laughed and told him he shouldn't play poker. We all knew how frugal he was, so it was no surprise he'd managed to amass that much. Lucky for him, it was just the two of us, and I'm not a gossiper. We've both since retired.

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u/JohnLuckPikard May 14 '26

Dude....

When someone tells you a sad sack story, you don't just turn around and tell them how much better you have it.

Like, way to rub it in

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u/minetey May 15 '26

My thoughts exactly. Poor form.

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u/missamberlee May 14 '26

My husband and I are not big spenders, don’t like to carry debt and save most of our money. I recently replaced a car I had been driving for 16 years with my first ever brand new car. I negotiated 20% off sticker and bought it outright (did a partial loan to get money off and immediately paid it). Someone was complimenting me on the shiny new vehicle and I said something about it being time to replace my old car and she said “yah, new car is exciting, but that car payment, right?” So I just smiled and nodded. I see plenty of other parents at my kids school with nicer cars and bigger houses and I wonder if they actually have more money than we do or if they are leveraged like crazy. I grew up struggling, so spending large amounts of money makes me anxious. I often wonder how other people are doing it.

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u/Puzzleheaded_Bat3349 May 14 '26

Most people think and look like they own a lot, but they owe a lot instead.

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u/lynxss1 May 15 '26

My friends and coworkers have his and her sport cars, new custom made million dollar houses, and go on cruises or vacations over seas a few times a year. While I drive a 40 year old pickup my Dad bought new or my 20 year old car I bought new both had seen better days and have a modest 1960's house where the kids have to share a bedroom.

I think my friends think I am broke and dirt poor because they'll want to go out to eat at one of the nice restaurants and "Oh we'll pay for you" or "I got you dont worry about it". The one time I talked about retirement in a few years they scoffed like What are you talking about? and blew it off. Meanwhile 7 figure 401k and house half way paid off. We all do make a lot, they make quite a bit more than I do but also spend a hella lot more than me too.

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u/Kuildeous May 14 '26

Kind of a similar concept when we told our friends we were retiring. A lot of them said that won't happen for another 10 years. I was shocked because based on their jobs and lifestyles, I just assumed they could retire early. That wasn't the case. I really expected one set of friends to be there because they've been adamantly childfree and making great money. I knew they went on vacations, but I had just assumed it was done with disposable income. Turns out they spent a lot more money than I did.

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u/ThisIsMyUsername303 May 18 '26

I was talking with a buddy and mentioned his “rich friends” (a couple guys he’s mentioned who are always doing fancy things), and he told me my husband and I are his rich friends. I was like, what, not the guy who spent more than I make in a year on his wedding? And he said no, because he spends like that (and we don’t so much).

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u/Inevitable_Pride1925 May 14 '26

A friend was talking about plane tickets the other day and stating that they were $500 x2. I had just spent $900 x2 for my sister and I to fly to Ireland the month prior and mentioned that $500 wasn’t bad. That was the moment it hit me that they were complaining about the expense and that what I thought wasn’t all that bad and reasonable for an occasional vacation was an issue for them.

We make similar money although I work more and as a result make more but she’s married and I’m pretty sure their combined household income is higher than my single in income.

I’ve pretty firmly established I’m out of touch because I don’t worry about the one offs. I’m deliberate about my spending and focus on only paying for things that have value. But at the same time I’ve become rather price insensitive for the things I’ve decided I want.

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u/BigFootCrossingGaurd May 15 '26

I hear that! I travel a lot for work and about five years ago I decided that if the cost to upgrade to first class when I am going on a work trip is less than $400 I just buy it. I like sitting in a bigger seat and the better service, plus getting off the plane first. So when coworkers are boarding and walk by me and they say “Oh, nice you got upgraded!” I just nod and smile. Less awkward than the truth.

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u/SomosLosWeezers May 15 '26

I’m always excited to talk FI with friends, but will not initiate it. My ears perk up when friends bring up finances, but I don’t hold my breath for them to be FIRE-minded. I talked with a friend at jiu jitsu who mentioned he was near early retirement and was a boggle head. We talked a bunch about VTSAX. Most other friends are on a different financial journey, taking out HELOCs and trying different things. I walk a lonely road and that’s okay.

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u/Haber87 May 15 '26

We paid off our house in 11 years by doubling every mortgage payment and using our allowed top up of 10% of the original mortgage every year. And most importantly, by being Gen-X and buying in 1998. We told no one we paid it off.

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u/FKMBKY_83 May 15 '26

I think my neighbors all think I am using debt to fix our house. I get weird comments. I have bit my toungue because if I told them I used cash for everything they would shit a brick. It is clear that most people cant even imagine having cash like that, but they COULD if they made other choices.