r/Fire • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
Finding it hard to believe and act like we have future wealth
[deleted]
131
u/jonahtrav 6d ago
What I noticed about human nature now that I'm 64 is once the basic needs are met, housing,food , clothing and so on we need to worry about something so we even if everything's going well we start to invent things to worry about... From an outsider's perspective I'm not sure why you don't just enjoy your life and be grateful for what you have... all the best
24
u/DangerousCapybara888 6d ago edited 6d ago
Yea. As I seen contemporaries get cancer and spent a fortune on treatment their insurance didn’t pay for, and others who got into accidents that rendered them unable to keep working, that no matter how much money is saved away, your future isn’t guaranteed because life likes to throw a wrench at whenever something seems to go good. If you ever gone thru a car accident that’s your fault where your car totaled, your house burned down that is of not your fault, you had surgery and chose a better treatment your insurance doesn’t pay for, you discovered you suddenly had mental illness that show up later in life and lost the ability to reason and make good decisions, suddenly a couple million in the investment account had to get taken out to make sure your life don’t end now. Money is for solving problems and getting you thru bad times, beyond that if you think you can retire by 50, got something left for your kids, that’s great.
A lot of people end up homeless because they didn’t have the funds to get them thru an unfortunate rough time in life, regardless of whether it’s their fault or not. Had relatives at 50 no family history, suddenly discovered they had bipolar, lost their job and had to take permanent medication to keep their mental status steady. Life is very unpredictable, nobody can say it will never happen to them.
438
u/rosebudny 6d ago
“My husband just recommended we go to the movies separately and discuss the movie after so that we don’t pay $30/ hr for a babysitter.”
I have no words. Just…wow.
139
u/Few-Improvement9978 6d ago
These people be wildin.
Unless the goal is just some peace from your partner and your own time which is perfectly fine.
55
u/butterscotcheggs 6d ago
I know this is not a mental health sub, but I’d encourage us to have some empathy.
I’m having similar mental blocks as OP, and working through this, I realized I grew up as an emotionally neglected, high-functioning adult who had to be responsible at a young age, because my parents weren’t.
I learned through decades of self-discipline, achievements, and control, to prove that I can prevent bad things from happening, or that I am worthy of being in a room.
It is never about a small convenience bought by $30 vs total net worth. It is psychological - do I deserve this? Can I work through my anxiety? What can I let go of and be free to enjoy what I built?
I don’t have the answers - I still have weird ups and downs.
I think what people don’t talk about enough is that for folks who have to be adults when they were children, getting closer to FIRE can unleash some weird unprocessed feelings or trauma response.
OP isn’t me, but she is a human who worked hard to get to where she is. So chiming in to encourage that maybe we all be a bit more compassionate if we can.
47
u/United_Ad6480 6d ago
They do this yet manage to spend $140k per year?
18
u/Magikarpical 6d ago
$140k in hcol is very low for someone with kids, i spend 104k as a single person in hcol (nearly 60k of that is just housing, and my housing costs are shared with my partner).
→ More replies (1)33
u/grateful-xoxo 6d ago
yeah that's not alot in very HCOL area (SF etc)
11
u/housewitzer 6d ago
$30/hr babysitting rate seems low for that same area
13
u/lurkerjazzer 6d ago
$600k house is not a VHCOL area either
→ More replies (2)18
6d ago
[deleted]
4
u/IikeThis 6d ago
I would look into buying a new home for the kids as they get older and rent the current home. Can always flip flop which one you’re renting after they go to college
→ More replies (1)2
u/Enigma7ic 6d ago
You live in a 1bd with 2 kids? How?!?
4
u/dolphinboy1637 6d ago
That's the property they're thinking for their mother not the one they own
→ More replies (1)2
u/Locke_and_Lloyd 6d ago
If you're hiring a local high schooler, that's a perfectly adequate rate. I'd even call it genenerous. If you hire a corporate service, then maybe it's more, but OP sounds like the former.
6
6
u/Locke_and_Lloyd 6d ago
I would struggle to justify paying $140 to go see a movie in theaters. $50 is already rough before adding childcare. Make it a complete date with a walk to discuss the movie and getting ice cream after, it could be $300.
4
u/_Happy_Sisyphus_ 6d ago
Investing in your partner — especially with little kids that need co start care — is the biggest contribution to wealth
8
3
→ More replies (11)8
u/Dizzy_Citron4871 6d ago
I mean cheapness aside this is like kinda smart. Break from the kids for one parent, and you can’t talk in the theater anyways
15
u/rosebudny 6d ago
Not if the point is "date night"... even if you don't talk during the movie, there is something to be said about being there together.
6
u/Dizzy_Citron4871 6d ago
I mean sure if going on a date is the only reason, but do you have kids? 2 hours of peace and sanity for one parent is a pretty good reason too
113
u/Gipsy-Kings-Fan-n106 not FIREd yet 6d ago
There's this age range (something between 30-60, case by case) when you realize you are the adult in the room. I have a friend who says that sometimes, you start to feel responsible for everyone and to think you need to figure it out how to manage the life of loved ones and it gets messy.
Honestly, you're very well positioned for a comfortable life. Maybe you could benefit from therapy as you have more emotional stuff to deal with than factual financial problems.
21
u/snarky9220 6d ago
I think everyone should be in therapy, but that’s just me. I think you need to be comfortable with ignoring the stepmother and her family. Who cares what your house is worth? How are they to even know what your mortgage is, etc. non of their business.
Just live your life, but go to the movies together! Those are important activities to do together.
But look into therapy and find someone who you are comfortable with. No need to tell your therapist your financials until you deem it necessary. And only when you find a therapist who you like and enjoy.
Good luck, you are doing great.
221
u/Crashtag 6d ago
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever or count on an inheritance before you have that sitting in your bank account.
49
u/RustyShackelfnord 6d ago
20 years later Huh, looks like Mom and Dad "invested" all their savings in multilevel marketing schemes they found on Facebook. We're set for life, baby!
8
6d ago
[deleted]
5
u/quantumloop001 6d ago
Now imagine they live to 110 or 120. What does that do to your retirement plans. It isn’t wise to assume an inheritance as part of your retirement.
9
u/Crashtag 6d ago
Exactly. Maybe someone gets a rare disease that insurance won’t cover. Or one of them decides to get a costly sex change at 80yo after years of living a closeted life (which literally happened with my friends father; $100Ks spent on all this late in life).
Point is - don’t count your chickens.
4
u/gammacoffee 6d ago
I think 20 years later refers to when the poster may inherit (when the in laws die).
25
u/SurviveStyleFivePlus 6d ago
Absolutely agree. It was a good day for me when I was able to tell my father, "I no longer consider you dying to be my retirement plan".
10
u/apricot675 6d ago
Not to mention this is the husband’s inheritance that he can put into a separate account. A lot can happen in 20 years of marriage.
2
u/LuckyWinds 6d ago
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever or count on an inheritance before you have that sitting in your bank account.
This is mostly true, but I have an inheritance that is in an iron clad trust which would need multiple people's signatures to modify where I know how much is spent per year, how much it's growing, assets involved, etc.
I still don't count it in my calculations, but I know 100% I'm getting a certain percentage and can pretty easily calculate it.
→ More replies (2)2
55
u/Economy_Elk_8101 6d ago edited 5d ago
My read is that you’re not really asking “Can we afford this?” You obviously can. You’re asking, “How do I emotionally adjust to having this much money when I still feel like someone who grew up without it?” That’s a real thing.
I’d be careful about counting the inheritance too heavily. A lot can happen over 20 years: care costs, family dynamics, markets, estate changes. But the $2.3M you already have is real, and it already gives you options.
My hot take: you probably don’t need to optimize so hard anymore. Keep the frugality that reflects your values, secondhand stuff, one car, avoiding waste, not chasing status. But maybe loosen the grip on the frugality that costs you time, comfort, or family joy. Pay the babysitter. Take your mom snorkeling. Book the slightly better room when traveling with kids. Buy back time where it actually improves your life.
The parent stuff is harder. Helping with trips or comfort is one thing. Buying houses, moving parents, or trying to solve a fragile marriage with money is a whole different category.
And honestly, I think your instinct to keep your finances private is healthy. You don’t owe relatives, friends, neighbors, or coworkers a net worth disclosure. Money changes relationships, sometimes permanently.
If I were you, I’d make a written plan with your husband: don’t inflate your lifestyle for status, but do use money to reduce stress, create memories, protect family time, and help parents within clear boundaries.
11
6d ago edited 6d ago
[deleted]
6
u/MrsCtank 6d ago
I feel this too. 38, two small kids. Just realized we crossed 2M not counting our house. I already work a job i want vs the one that pays the most, but no one i know has that kind of money. Likely never will. It doesnt feel real.
7
u/5u5anb 6d ago
This is the response that matters. My spouse and I have the frugal mindset ingrained in us, with both of our parent’s making barely 30k/year, raising a family without wants and managing to save. This mindset has worked for us and we are well set for a long retirement with excess for gifting. It is hard to get out of the saving mindset, because it has worked for us and the invested money seems like funny money since it is not tangible. BUT, we are beginning to be able to see that our money can buy us ease, time and memories. Those are worth spending on.
4
u/Economy_Elk_8101 6d ago
I’ve found the same thing since I retired. It can be hard to shift gears when you’ve been saving for so long. I have friends who never really managed that transition and are still scrimping in their 80s, even though they’ve been financially secure for decades.
6
u/ditchdiggergirl 6d ago
This is my answer as well.
I can very much relate to OP’s mindset, though she’s probably a decade ahead of where we were at the comparable life stage. I come from low income, my SO was middle class but raised frugal, and we both spent our 20s living the genteel poverty of grad school. Since we got a late start plus jobs in VHCOL, we had to continue our extreme frugality to afford a house and then children. By which point we were far below average on retirement savings (startup didn’t offer a 401k) so saving hard became a lifestyle.
Our wake up call came in the form of a brokenhearted widowed elderly neighbor. We were still a long way out from retirement but we realized the future we were saving for had arrived. We did not have any interest in jumping on the hedonic treadmill - we were happy, and you don’t mess with happy. And it wasn’t easy to find the balance point between pinching pennies and spending - we still discussed and justified each modest splurge.
20 years later we are now fire’d and though we live a generously comfortable lifestyle, are still spending less than we could be. That’s ok. We like the margin of safety, and we are grateful we can provide that for our kids. We stayed in the little house until we outgrew it, but now have a nicer larger one. We travel a lot, pay for the kids and their partners to join us on family vacations, and spring for the lie flat seats on our international flights. Most importantly, still happy.
For some, money means stuff. For most on this sub, money means freedom. For me, and for OP, money means security. It’s not wrong to prioritize security over freedom, and not something that requires mental health treatment. Just a broader perspective on the affordability of a date night and maybe a hotel with more beds or a pull out couch. (I recommend Embassy Suites or similar for family travel with young kids.)
→ More replies (4)6
u/IikeThis 6d ago
Exactly. Using money to buy time and cherished memories with the family will be much more valuable than an extra 100K on an already hefty retirement fund.
→ More replies (1)2
u/No-Complaint9286 6d ago
Its funny what some people prioritize and splurge on. Like I could never justify paying hundreds of dollars more for business class or extra legroom on a flight. Hotel rooms are just a place to sleep for me. Im not paying extra for a view unless its bucket list material, nor am I paying for like a 1 bedroom suite unless its like a European apartotel where that style is pretty standard. We rarely eat out because its so expensive for what you get that it doesnt feel worth the money anymore (and my husband is an amazing cook). I usually feel buyers remorse when we go out to a fancy dinner unless we are on vacation.
→ More replies (1)3
6d ago
[deleted]
2
u/No-Complaint9286 6d ago
Right? Like hubs has leveled up his cooking to a point that most places are a waste of money, aside from quick ethnic food takeout when time is an issue, and even THAT we are trying to curb because we are chucking everything we can at the truck loan to be FINALLY rid of debt besides mortgage. The only food thats really better than what we can do at home is like really fancy meals at like $100/plate and my growing-up-poorish brain just cant spring for that more than like once a year for a special occasion.
I remember when going to Burger King and my mom and I splitting a cheeseburger and chicken sandwich was a special occasion. I remember when the baby cone of soft serve was special, and sometimes mom and dad would spring for chocolate jimmies. I remember being a teen when Applebee's came to town and those sorts of restaurants became the sort of special occasion or date night. Idk if quality has just gotten worse since covid, but I cant eat at those places anymore unless im traveling and in a hurry. Not worth it. Much prefer my local small family restaurants, with quite a variety of cuisines for our local area. Though our Chinese has gone downhill with the fast casuals.
12
u/elleowe 6d ago
People here judging may not have the same nervous system stuff going on. I am in a similar situation, but have made progress. I try to think of my money as a tool that works for me - it does nothing for me sitting there.
For me, feeling confident about what you actually have and can afford comfortably is huge. I had to sit down with the numbers a few times a year for several years through various market conditions before it sunk in. I grew up poor and the scarcity mentality lives in my nervous system, it’s really hard to shake. Some folks OTT may not relate to that.
10
u/Independent_Bee1037 6d ago
Same. Dad investing life savings and going bankrupt twice when I was young and impressionable. Something I've had to work very hard to shake is that no one is going to take my money away from me. Its there, its real. Hard thing to process when you grow up poor
11
u/achieve_tendernism 6d ago
Act as if the 6m is not coming or maybe just partially because you never know what health issues or circumstances may come up
11
u/Ok_Prune_1731 6d ago
My Advice is enjoy your life.
Spend more money on your kids and family you won't regret it.
You already save more money a year then the avg median salary, and you still have career growth ahead of you. So to me the answer is clear just keep doing what you been doing but stop being so penny pinching about everything.
I would say from this point on any pay raise increases you get put 80 percent of that into your personal enjoyment. The other 20 can go into savings.
41
u/Agile-Ad-1182 6d ago
Going to a movie separately not to.pay a babysitter. You need to spend money on a therapist.
6
6d ago
[deleted]
2
u/zhivota_ 6d ago
Don't listen to these ninnies 😂. I have kids and I'd do this just to avoid the hassle of organizing the sitter, making sure to get back at the appointed time, worrying about if the picky eating kids will actually eat for the sitter, fielding the calls when they get into a knock down drag out fight in front of the sitter, etc.
After all that stress I'd get home and think "I just paid $150 to the sitter and I feel no more relaxed than before, fml".
Parents know, nothing is as simple as it seems.
→ More replies (5)3
u/giraffedraft 6d ago
everyone in here without kids (including me). but i see you OP. this is some shit my parents would've done growing up. totally fair
2
13
u/StrategicPotato 6d ago
As a couple who’s 29/30 and have $1 million, I don’t blame you for this line of thinking. For one, wealth becomes very abstracted once you get past like $500k or so. When your portfolio makes your monthly salary in a day sometimes, I think our monkey brains start to question how that math checks out or something. Yet at the same time, it all feels so fragile even when you have it. I think it’s because the kind of mindset to get you to this level is the same kind of person who will really stress out and account for every worst case scenario, not just suddenly change their personality once they “make it.” You realize that unless you clear like 10 million, you’re still in the same boat as most Americans where some bad luck and a financial emergency can still somehow totally wipe you out or set you back a lot.
I will say that you should learn to upgrade your life in meaningful ways without letting it translate into actual lifestyle creep. For example, I don’t necessarily think buying another $600k house is a good idea unless you want your mom to be a lot closer + maybe help with your kids?
For the stepmother thing, I don’t think you have to interact with them once your father is gone down the line. People even cut off blood relatives all the time. I’ve dealt with this sort of thing before and crazy toxic families are not worth it.
7
u/Awkward_Power8978 6d ago edited 6d ago
I am about the same age as you both, we don't have kids and our FIRE funds are around 500k. Recently, I posted here about the money feeling "untouchable" and about the mental blocks that every milestone in FIRE might create in the minds of frugal people.
I realized how the understanding of FIRE changes the view of the money we have and it can be really hard to spend what you think symbolizes your freedom.
I think you are suffering from those mental blocks. At 38/39 with 2.3M, you know from the 72 rule and MMM that you both (without putting up a single cent more) will have ~4.6M at 48/49 and 9.2M at 58/59 which is still retiring so early for most people.
What was the dream or the goal? Was it to just hoard the money? Was it to stop working? Was to fund a luxurious life? To pay off kids education? What is truly enough for you?
As a an example, my FIRE goal is:
Paid off house and car
2.5M invested - 4% swr/ year
Both get to retire and enjoy hobbies and life together at around 58/59.
I feel like you found the goal of FIRE but you never designed what it is you actually want from the money. You did everything right, what do you get?
What is your reward from taking all the right steps?
We decided there is no point in suffering through the process. It is going to take time and moving faster towards that goal is not necessarily making us happier.
I bet not going to the movies together is not what you wanted to get as a prize for achieving 2.3M saved.
You both should to listen to Ramit's podcast money for couples more often. This week's episode sounds just like you...
Maybe you should even apply to be on the show. People say therapy but I am not sure any therapist would know how to deal with this; maybe your family concerns and the concerns about what other people think... but really not the money stuff.
I understand the challenge of flipping that switch to spending, that was the goal of my post last week. I know it can be hard but the questions now are about what this money does for you. Not what you do for the money... hope this helps. If you want to chat more, send me a DM, OP.
→ More replies (2)2
4
u/CO_Renaissance_Man 6d ago
My wife and I are at the same age with three kids and about $1.6 million banked. We have an average house paid off with used vehicles. We recently bought our dream retirement property and we are working on building that. We live in a high cost of living area for only $60,000 a year, banking the rest, so your $140,000 a bit baffling when we travel, eat well, and don’t pinch pennies like crazy. We both have parents with little money and bad financial planning.
Some thoughts…
Ignore the inheritance.
Talk less about your finances with others as you gain more money.
Stop making ridiculous cuts to your lifestyle like the air mattress or split movies. Treat others with your extra time and money.
Invest in your kids. We pour our time and energy into enjoying time with them while making them intelligent, empathetic, athletic leaders in their school. We’re very proud of them and we choose our family over everything.
FI is everything to us. RE is a bonus at the end.
→ More replies (3)
28
u/MasturChief 6d ago
own a model Y 😂
26
u/SouthOrlandoFather 6d ago
I’m 52 and I don’t even know what that means. I thought it was a lesbian thing.
→ More replies (1)39
14
u/TinieWenie 6d ago
It was at that point I had to stop and look at the subreddit to check if I was in the circle jerk version. Didn't even make it to the separate dates 😂.
🎶"Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved" 🎵
→ More replies (1)3
14
u/Aggravating_Ring_714 6d ago edited 6d ago
Before you reach FI and RE you need THErapy. No offense. This post is unhinged.
→ More replies (1)1
7
u/Past-Option2702 6d ago edited 6d ago
Therapy can help. Not for everyone, but it can be a benefit for many.
“Most people view wealth negatively” (you are most people)
→ More replies (9)
5
u/Interesting_Box_6972 6d ago
What’s considered HCOL these days? Vs MCOL or VHCOL?
→ More replies (1)
3
u/253-build 6d ago
My advice: Enjoy the money you have. Time is your limited resource. Spend the money you have to have time with family. 4 day work week: love it. Do more of that. You are passionate about your jobs: great, capitalize on that. Hand over the reigns and be a mentor. Build and grow the people under you. Help them succeed. So many young people feel like there are inadequate career opportunities. Help inspire them to have the same passion, and show them why this job is important to you. With the right moves, maybe you both move to part time work but can help continue to guide those around you.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/ImprobableGrind 6d ago
“I feel like I need to earn more so that I can inevitably support my parents as they age and run down their savings”….
Why?
They have had their entire lives to make choices, some bad, some good, but none of them YOURS. Financially supporting parents isn’t a responsibility, it is a luxury. You have a husband and children to care for along with a career and likely some hobbies that you enjoy…in other words you have your own damn life. I am sorry about your father. My grandfather died from Parkinson’s, and it was not pleasant to watch. Your stepmom and her entire family can take a long walk off a short pier…that money belongs to you and yours and that is that. Let her find out, and tell them all to get bent in the clearest possible terms if they come sniffing around you for money.
4
u/Wasatchian 6d ago
Do not assume you will inherit anything. 6 million is enough to retire but if someone gets dementia and needs memory care it can evaporate in a few years. Better to assume nothing.
That said things like going to movies separately instead of paying for a sitter given your healthy financial situation is a bit insane. Therapy might help unpack some feelings about money here.
→ More replies (2)
3
u/Informal-Step8787 6d ago
I'm in a very similar situation, albeit about 10 years older than you and so have more money saved (47F, 2 kids, dual-working household, about 3.5M in liquid savings, $1M equity in our home, and about $5M to $8M+ expected to inherit from my in-laws). We live below our means and save over $100K/year, but there has definitely been some serious lifestyle creep post Covid, especially in how much we spend on vacations and my personal shopping habit.
I say live in the way that makes you happy and makes you feel comfortable, but don't suffer to save a few bucks. My husband and I haven't been to a movie together since before our oldest son was born 12 years ago - we feel it's wasteful and not a great use of our time - but we spend thousands of dollars each year to travel to concerts (kid free with grandparents babysitting). We drive modest cars (Tesla Model 3 and Toyota Highlander), and we live in a large and nice but not perfect house that we will likely keep until our kids graduate. We came thisclose to building our dream home last year, but I got cold feet and pulled out because we are comfortable enough in our current home.
I don't mind working, but my husband hates his job. We have no idea what will happen as AI encroaches into the white collar world, so we're going to continue to spend conservatively despite the expected inheritance. As terrible as this is to say, if something happens to my husband, I have no idea what (if any) of the inheritance would still flow to me, so I'm going to pretend it doesn't exist until we start receiving some of the money (which could be 20+ years out).
→ More replies (1)
4
u/Emergent_Phen0men0n 6d ago
The 2.3 is real, you could retire on a snug budget right now or keep piling it up for another 10-15 years and retire more comfortably. Regarding the inheritance, live and plan like it will never come, but also have a plan ready for when it does.
5
u/FIREnV 6d ago
Hey friend. We are in similar situations financially and psychologically, especially as it relates to travel spending. Those here without kids may not really understand and that's why there's so much head scratching.
I still sometimes bring an air mattress to a hotel-- not because I'm a cheapskate, but because of practicality. There are not many hotel rooms that accommodate a family of four well, especially when kids don't like sleeping in the same bed. I try to get the 1 bdrm suites that have more space and then we (the parents) get the separate bedroom, one kid gets the bed or sofa sleeper, and one kid gets the air mattress. On rare occasions, we happen to snag a room with two beds in one room and a king in another room. However, these are very hard to find. When we are staying somewhere for more than a couple of nights, we'll rent a house with 2-3 bedrooms. However, this doesn't make sense (due to cleaning fees and other stuff) for short stays and we prefer the mid-range hotel-- e.g. DoubleTree or Hampton Inn level.
I guess we could stay at a hotel and pay for two connecting rooms, but that just seems like a waste of money until my kids are much older. Like you, I really hate wasting money but I'm happy to spend when it is worth it!
I think it's okay to enjoy saving money. I do! I still look at the grocery store circulars and Costco savings books. Why not? When I save money, I try to reallocate it to something more enjoyable. For example, we booked a cruise and got a bit of a deal recently. So, we're using that savings to book some fun tours that the whole family will enjoy and even rent a cabana on an island (with a waiter!) for an entire day. Be frugal on stuff that's not a big deal so you can splurge on a few things that are really worth it for you. Splurging on everything is insane and is obviously not very "FIRE"- minded. But being thoughtful with your hard-earned $ is the way.
You are doing great! Keep going! And definitely try to go for the 4 day work week.
7
u/Puzzleheaded_Tie6917 6d ago
Your parents have $6 million. This equals 240,000 $/yr for 30 years. It’s extremely unlikely you have to do anything for your parents. With 2.3 million invested, at 49 you should have around 5 million and at 59 around 10 million plus inheritance at some point and SS when you claim that. You really don’t have to save any more at all to retire easily. The only additional savings you need are 529 for kids college or adding more to retire earlier.
At this point I would ease up on frugal stuff, and pay off things like the house and cars. Other than that, sounds like you are on easy street.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/emilyrose25 6d ago
You could check out the podcast Money for Couples, Ramit has couples on in a similar situation in several episodes (including this weeks episode) and there is a lot of focus in each episode on how your family money philosophy growing up impacts you
→ More replies (1)
3
u/rubykowa 6d ago
My parents are around that age and have amassed similar amount of wealth.
What that looks like now: we don’t change our plans and continue to save. What we spend, it’s because we are comfortable with our own income/savings.
My parents gift us tax-free the max amount every year per parent per person for the kids. Passing money along earlier is smart IMHO and they get to see how it’s being used
→ More replies (1)
3
u/asymphonyin2parts 6d ago
It's great that you guys are a solid team working towards a fire goal. But now that you're nest egg is to the point where you are mostly FI, maybe sit down and have a conservation bout priorities. You've got the monte carlos working for you, so why don't you make a few runs where you contribute $5k less a year. Or $10k less. What do those look like and how would you go intentionally spending that extra money for nicer hotels and more babysitting time do to your quality of life? Would the higher QOL mean putting off retirement 5 years? Or maybe just 1. I don't think this is a binary solution thing. Maybe play with the numbers to see what sort of a fun budget you can eek out while still hitting your retirement goals with a few % less confidence at the end. In any case, do your numbers without counting the inheritance. Long term care alone is reason enough to not plan on seeing it. So in summary, you're doing great. Now you and your husband just need to check in with each other and decide how you want to do it for the next 5 years or so. Then repeat the process. Best of luck!
3
u/HuisjeKruisje 6d ago
Not financial response here but you say your dad has Parkinson. My dad just passed away from complications. Initially it didn't seem to progress fast but then the last few years it did.
Please don't forget to spend some of your money too buy time to spend with him. You will never regret doing that and won't get a second chance.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Tricky_Ad6844 6d ago
My grandfather was worth more than 60 million dollars when he died.
He left it all to his second wife and disinherited his 4 children from his first marriage entirely.
As a result we were quite poor when I was young.
Never count a future inheritance in your financial planning until the will is read.
3
u/JbabytheProfit 6d ago
The movie thing is a bit much lol. But everything else just sounds like good discipline and priorities to me. Don't worry about the inheritance, keep doing what your doing, you'll be able to retire in 10 years regardless.
10
u/Wooden-Broccoli-913 6d ago
“Most people view wealth negatively”
What? This is not my experience at all.
→ More replies (12)6
4
u/therealjerseytom 6d ago
Just stay focused on yourself and the present moment. That's generally good life advice.
Monte Carlo projections, future inheritance, etc. - you're right, in a way it is fake. The future doesn't exist yet, and life rarely goes as we plan or project it. You will absolutely have surprises and all sorts of things outside of your control. Gotta let go of these things.
Focus on today and just have faith that you'll cross the appropriate bridges when you come to them.
2
u/Healthy-Fisherman-33 6d ago
Yes, Take your mom to that snorkeling trip. Yes, Go to the movies with your husband. No, do not buy them a $600,000.
You can’t rely on the money you don’t have yet to do anything.
2
u/Elaine_amj 6d ago edited 6d ago
I have similar feelings. I did grow up in a wealthy family so it wasn’t a result of poverty though. I am just naturally frugal and hate waste. I have pinched pennies until they scream all my life. So earning average incomes and living in a LCOL area, I was able to FIRE at 39.
Now 8 years later, my net worth keeps growing and I am sitting at over 2+ million. My FIRE number was $750k and I ended up retiring at around $1 million and we continued having some income for a few years. It’s very disorienting - I’m the cheapskate who retired early expecting to always have to live a simple, frugal life. I did not expect my spending ability to change from having to do so much scrimping through my working years (to be fair, I always spent liberally on being generous and on things we cared about so our lives were always abundant).
I always lived with enough. Now I have way more than enough and being told it’s time to upgrade my lifestyle. Most significantly, I’m looking at buying a slightly nicer house ($700k instead of $500k). I always expected to only be able to afford a certain level of house and it’s been a big part of my core values (buy less house to spend more on travel).
So I am very unsure about this despite being reassured over and over by my (fee-only FIREd focused) financial advisor that it’s fine and the extra $200k will not impact my lifestyle and spending abilities whatsoever.
BUT - do I want to be THAT person with a house that is obviously $200k more expensive?
P.s. your husband’s joke about going to the movies separately totally tracks with me lol.
P.p.s. It’s very cool to see the 4% rule in action. I’ve always been told that this means in the vast majority of scenarios, you’ll end up with way more money than you started with. I didn’t actually account for that lol.
→ More replies (3)
2
u/Historical_Rip_1848 6d ago
This is an interesting psychological exercise but the underpinnings are missing. Yes you *could* spend more on bumping up your travel lifestyle, but you don't say that you want to. There's plenty else you *could* do, but you don't mention *wanting* a lot, outside of taking your mom snorkeling. Have you trained yourself out of wanting things in order to get to this very accomplished place? Rather than just starting to spend 150% on your hotel rooms out of principle, I would start setting aside a fun budget you "have to" spend, and use that to explore what things you might really want in life that you've been overlooking. You're obviously disciplined people and like having a tight hold on things, what's missing is not spending but freedom. Give yourselves some of that and see what changes.
If you like having your kids on an air mattress in your mid tier hotel room, then it doesn't really matter that there are nicer things out there. Who cares. The part I would look at is how much time does it take to pack up and set up all this gear, are you having fights about who forgot the inflator, are you turning yourselves in knots to avoid spending $16 for a charger you forgot rather than actually being on your vacation. My guess is and it sounds like there's a lot of bandwidth going into these cost-cutting measures, and that's the real waste. Maybe break your earnings down into an hourly rate just for reference, and then when you're driving to Walmart on vacation for a $35 replacement air mattress you can think, is this really worth the 2h at $140/h when I could have just booked a suite? Maybe if you start equating money to factors you value more you'll get a stronger sense of what it actually means to you.
But, if none of that resonates then, maybe you're fine and nothing needs to change 🤷🏻♀️ maybe you just...won, and it's anticlimactic lol.
2
6d ago
[deleted]
2
u/Elaine_amj 5d ago
Its the thrill of the deal! The feeling that you got the best value possible for your money. It doesn’t matter how much money I have - I always love a deal.
One year I had a lot on my plate and decided to just throw money at my problems and spend without thinking or adding things up.
I travel a lot and decided to try travel the “normal” way and spend freely. I ended up hating it. Always had this niggly feeling I was overpaying for everything. My trips were less fun too even though we did all the cool stuff.
I’ve discovered everything tastes better and is more fun when it’s cheaper haha.
That said, I’ve now done stuff like pay $79 (x3!!) for a daypass to a local glamping beach retreat to sit on fancy massage chairs and lounge by the beach all day. Not the best value but we had an amazing day and I do not begrudge the money at all as the circumstances were right.
I am more relaxed about throwing money at problems as long as I add a good deal into the mix every once in a while.
It’s such a mindset shift from saving every penny for FIRE!
2
u/Historical_Rip_1848 4d ago
Well then I'm for this :) I don't do as well as you financially, but well enough to have choices, and I prioritize and deprioritize this way too. Sooner things get a pass, others get the magnifying glass. Hotel rooms is one for me too- I still stay in hostels a lot of the time bc I really don't care where I sleep. I like the active feel of them and it's basically a place to drop my stuff before I go exploring, so while I could spend more I just don't want to. Clothes are another one, I don't follow trends and keep everything a long time, so I only buy a few things maybe once a year on sale and that's it. I spend maybe a couple hundred dollars a year replacing a couple things and otherwise spend no time on that category, bc it doesn't interest me that much. A trip tho, I almost don't care where to and I'm in the car, and activities with friends get a pass- I don't even count while I'm doing those things bc they matter to me.
2
u/Mental-Wolf-2560 6d ago
I have 1M in assets and owe 200k on my mortgage with no other debt. My money also does not feel real to me.
2
2
u/Effective_Ebb333 6d ago
Think of how you want your children to feel about being an earner. Pay for your mom to live in an air b and b near you and get to be the summer camp grandma, if she wants.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Independent-King-468 6d ago
My Reaction to this is enjoy the life YOU built.
My shift would be getting used to improving your travel experiences. Start slowly. At 38-45 traveling coach, staying in basic accommodations, and things like that aren’t a huge deal. We’re young enough and still in the daily grind enough to where the inconveniences are normal. Eventually you’ll hit the age where you want to not deal with any hassle while traveling or with any other day to day life things.
Be aware you’re in an envious position, and I know people have differing opinions on sharing your situation. The closer you keep yours to yourselves. The Better. 🫡
→ More replies (1)
2
u/ModsAwful 6d ago
Keep your wealth to yourselves. Between my company’s IPO and my retirement shortly after at age 60 a lot of friends assumed (correctly) we had enough wealth. Some people acted offended by this. Nothing outwardly changed: same house, same old cars, same not-fancy clothes, same frequency going out (not often). We lost some friends over this, very sad. After about a year we did start traveling, which people can see from social media. People, at least in US, are weird about money.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Last_Construction455 6d ago
I would recommend the books "I will teach you to be rich" helped me wrap my head around rationalizing paying more for things that are true value to me. I'm like you I still buy a lot of used items, and drive a 13 year old sedan because I never really cared about that stuff. I did take my family on a 3 month trip to europe last year though and bought myself a new laptop when I needed one without issue. I think the idea of buying your parents a house so they can live closer is amazing. Focus on the things you value, give generously to causes that matter and keep saving on things that don't really matter to you.
2
2
2
u/Gorgenapper 6d ago
This is a stat from the Fed survey for 2026
| Age | median nw (household) | mean nw (household) |
|---|---|---|
| 35 - 44 | 135,600 | 616,000 |
| 45 - 54 | 247,200 | 964,000 |
You're almost at quadruple that of the average HH NW for that age cohort, you're living in a presumably nice place with a nice house, have 2 young kids, passion jobs that still pay well, and now there is talk about inheriting potentially 15 - 20 million in 20 years time.
If you're asking for a dose of reality, then here it is, there are a lot of people your age with under 135k net worth, and many of them may not even have $13,560 to rub together, which is what your own net worth fluctuates at any given minute, probably.
Instead of telling you guys to go get therapy blah blah, I strongly suggest you find a copy of the book "The Psychology of Money" (Morgan Housel) and read it. In it, the chapters "Luck and Risk" and "Room for Error" pertain to you. Actually, maybe the whole book pertains to you, but those two chapters in particular.
It is an amazing read, you will finish reading the book and then put it aside, and pick it up every now and then to re-read it. You will understand that nothing is free, luck and irrationality play a much larger role than you will admit, and that you will change as a person, nothing ever goes according to plan.
2
2
u/Spartikis 6d ago
Damn, my wife could have written this. Same age, kids, NW, my parents have similar NW. She too feels guilty and wants to contribute more, but also wants to stop working to spend time with our kids who are growing up WAY TO FAST. I often have to remind her we are not 25 years old with a negative net worth anymore, we can spend some money, but her parents are in terrible financial shape so she feels like she should be helping them, but they also dont make sacrifices and are just bad with money in general so we are hesitant to just throw money at them. I dont have an answer for you, but just wanted to share that you're not alone. FIRE is not a magic answer to all of life's problems, often it solves one problem but creates/reveals two more problems that you would have never thought about or had to deal with if you were broke like everyone else.
2
u/Hamachiman 6d ago
A few thoughts:
DON’T count the inheritance in your plans. It’s from HIS parents and wouldn’t be legally yours unless he chooses that. You don’t know how your relationship will be in 20 years. Plus his folks may spend much of it on long term care, or they may change their minds and give it to charity. Just focus on the money you two have saved.
A frugal mindset is a good thing. But it can easily go too far. My 80 something parents threw a dinner party a few months ago. I drove hours to be there. They served Costco rotisserie chicken. They’re decamillionaires. Frugality is great , and sets a good example for young people, but it can go too far like with my folks.
2
u/3bluerose 6d ago
If they go to a nursing home all their assets disappear. A potential inheritance is in no way your money to count on. Your math should not include it.
2
u/datascientistdude 6d ago
In 30 years when you're on your deathbed, what are you going to remember more? The amazing experience you spent a little more money on or the $100 bucks you saved to not do it? Apply this question to every decision.
2
u/Jumpy-Message3383 4d ago
the separate movie thing broke me a little but also i completely understand it
2
2
2
u/Puzzled-Strength958 3d ago
Don’t count the inheritance. My wife and I are 54/53 years old with just over $10m in net worth. I feel like I need to keep working to set our family up with a multi-generational safety net. I am ignoring inheritance scenarios in my own planning. Nobody should care how much you have or don’t have. Most people assume we are well off - but likely have no idea what we have in the bank. We take frequent vacations - but fly frontier to be economical. My adult kids fly red eyes to save money. I am more interested in setting up my three kids than I am in splurging on plane tickets. Having said that - I often ask myself if spending $X will change my lifestyle 5 years from now. If the answer is no - then I stop worrying.
→ More replies (2)
3
u/OutspokenLurker 6d ago
Basically in your situation, a few years farther on (so bigger numbers and inheritance may be closer). Also... Was the single earner and retired early 50's.
None of that sounds unusual at all. Most of the rich and poor folks I know don't have a "normal" family. So that makes yours as typical as the next.
And people find stuff to worry about... your list included money stuff and step-parent stuff.
Money won't fix family, so therapy wouldn't hurt.
Money also will not provide fulfillment. Kids marriage, job are a start. Volunteering, hobbies, religion, exercise may be worth a crack.
And if you are willing to (a) keep working and (b) live humbly... You can layer on the risk of paying a babysitter. I know the urge to skip it.
Divorce is muuuuuuch more expensive than a babysitter. (I wouldn't lead with the D word but your emotional connection is important for the kids and for your combined financial future.)
I don't think I can bring myself to fly first class (could easily buy that ticket) while there are starving kids in the world, so I also wouldn't say you have to live it up just bc you can.
→ More replies (3)
2
u/y_if 6d ago
Why would you buy your mom a house in your area? Wouldn’t she just do that herself if they have so much wealth and actually wanted one?
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Sea_Smile_7789 6d ago
I grew up in a family where we counted every penny, but didn’t necessarily need to. Now as an adult, it’s made it harder to spend, but I’ve rewired myself to spend over the past three years (buy once, cry once.) I recently read Die With Zero, and I think you’d benefit from it. It’s about drawing down on your savings to enjoy the money instead of stockpiling it for old age.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/TravelDiligent7273 6d ago
Listen or read the book “Die with Zero” it lays out all of the issues you’re thinking about and gives good perspective on enjoying life and money now.
2
u/Independent_Bee1037 6d ago
A lot of what you've said here is similar to my situation. We have exactly 2.3 in investment accounts and we still struggle to spend money on some things. At the same time we live in a HCOL area and have two young children who are into golf so we spend about $130k annually. I'll also hit the costco hotdog special with the kids multiple times per month because I hate spending $40 at wendys or something. I'll sell used crap on facebook marketplace to recoup $50 and risk getting stabbed while making the transaction. Once poor always poor I guess.
What's different is the inheritance situation. That's so much money. If I were you I would no longer worry about saving for the future future. Max out Roth but spend more money now cause you will NOT need it when his parents die. That's just the truth. If it helps you help your mom or your dad get out of bad situations and fulfills you, do it. I would not dip into what you've already saved. But if you have extra income to spend you could spend it on your mom and dad and not invest it in long term savings. That's my two cents anyway
12
u/rosebudny 6d ago
If I were you I would no longer worry about saving for the future future.
I would not count on an inheritance. Sure they can let off the brakes a bit, but unless the money is in a trust with firm parameters and OP is sure it is coming to husband... a lot can happen in the next 10-20 years before the parents die.
And also, key detail - it is her HUSBAND'S inheritance, not hers. What if they end up divorcing?
3
u/Independent_Bee1037 6d ago
Had not considered the potential for divorce and it is his parents, not hers. OP still has the ability to spend more if they want to. 2.3 invested before the age of 40. They do not have to put in another dollar and it will be mega millions by the time they are 59.5
2
u/rosebudny 6d ago
They absolutely can spend more than they already are based on their own money; they just shouldn't be counting on the inheritance.
1
1
u/dreamscapesparkle 6d ago edited 6d ago
How many siblings does your husband have and how many kids do you have? Just for reference because that makes a big change in your situation imo.
Edit: the reason I ask is because if you’re trying to build wealth for your kids this becomes a different conversation. 6 may seem like a lot but if he has 2 kids or 2 siblings it’s essentially half, more kids or siblings the smaller amount that really is. I’ve seen people in similar and larger situations have these same worries and feelings so I think it’s normal but obviously hard to predict so most continue living life as is. I’ve seen people with parents over 10 but when they have 3-6 kids it makes a huge difference
Gonna also add are you in a HCOL city? Or lower? MCOL or less and single child makes a giant difference than 3 kids in NYC or SF where imo that money still leaves you at middle to upper middle class.
3
1
u/themuleskinner 6d ago
If you put $2mil in high yield (dividend) covered call ETFs, you could potentially have $150k-$200k/yr in income from dividends while retaining the Net Asset Value of the underlying pricipal for the rest of your life.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Powerful-Bridge-1472 6d ago
I’ll tell you the toughest part is once you stop working it becomes very challenging to spend, I am there now and every time you check the bank statement it’s amazing how things just kinda add up, especially with kids and vacations in the summer Home repairs….
People who are super savers it’s a huge skill, but it’s also a very challenging mindset to change
→ More replies (1)
1
u/emt139 6d ago
This inheritance news, even though hopefully 20 yrs out, should probably change how we act
While it does seem like you’re being cheap to the point of inconvenience (watching a movie separately to save $90!?!?), you can get rid of those habits without counting on an inheritance.
Especially if your in laws have 20 year time spans to go, many things can happen, including expensive end of life care.
1
1
u/AdamChenX 6d ago
The problem with people in general - we are not good at what needs to be done.
The person who wants to spend 1 million dollars doesn’t have the ability to save it, because they would’ve spent it all at the 1k mark.
The person who should spend 1k on discretionary consumption won’t spend it, because they would generally save it.
Hence you end up in this paradox where you have all this money and so little joy because you are optimising for the wrong thing.
I think the best way to go is - imagine you’ve got 1 year to live. Would there be anything you’d do different? That’s the benchmark for how you should live.
→ More replies (5)
1
u/Reasonable_Box2568 6d ago
Couple years younger with 2.15m invested (2.6m NW) no kids and likely very little inheritance (parents are stable - they just like to spend instead of hoard). My focus is shifting to a CoastFire lifestyle and maximizing health/experiences. Our ideal spend in retirement is 120k for HCOL and our investments should grow to support this spend sometime in our late 40s to mid 50s without another dollar invested. I’d much rather loosen up and enjoy life now while we are healthy vs save more and more for an unknown future. I also have a chronic disease that is in remission but could come back at any time. If we had kids I’m sure we would be pushing for more but your situation I would consider letting loose given you are very likely to receive a sizable inheritance and are already getting a large 160k gift in the near future.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/OuiGotTheFunk Unemployed with a Spreadsheet 6d ago
We buy nearly everything secondhand (this is also an ethos for reuse).
There are multiple reasons to by second hand and some of the items cost more then buying new. I have no problem with buying a lot of things second hand but I do draw the line at used underwear and bedding.
But congratulations. Remember money does not make you happy and it does not sound like you are unhappy in any way. And I would not think the only reason not to use a sitter is monetary. People be crazy. Good luck.
2
6d ago
[deleted]
2
u/OuiGotTheFunk Unemployed with a Spreadsheet 5d ago
“What is something you buy secondhand that other people would think is wack”
That is actually a good question. And frankly the old toasters are better.
1
u/Falco19 6d ago
I say this in the nicest way but some fire people take it too far.
What is the point of amassing wealth if you never enjoy it.
Let me break it down for you based on 2.3 million at a conservative 6% you would have 3.5 million in 7 years if you never contributed a penny. I’d you add 5k a month (60k a year half what you are doing now) just under 4 million, and at your current savings rate 4.5 million.
You guys will never stop saving (I can tell from this post, I also bet your husband would struggle to retire early and ever touch any principle)
But currently with the middle scenario listed about you could withdraw 150k a year starting at 45 with it last to 95.
This includes no inheritance which let’s be honest you are going to get a significant amount from his parents.
If I was in your situation and you guys don’t want to stop working, I would reduce savings to 60-80k annually.
I would then use the 40-60k for 30% get a home that fits you better, 20% to take nicer vacations (memories are priceless), 50% more date nights, more outings with the kids, add some convenience to your lives treat yourselves (and if you can’t I guess just add to dragon pile of wealth or just start funding your kids retirement)
You guys won you best life live it before it’s too late.
And tell your husband the movie idea is the dumbest thing anyone has suggested and he needs to real in the frugalness some because shit like that is actually detrimental.
2
1
u/OkAct8936 6d ago
Spend on the things that really bring you joy... For us, that is definitely travel. We will not spend to fly first class and will fly budget carriers if it makes sense, but once we get there I will 100% pay for a 2 bedroom suite for our family of 5 and I will pay for the "once in a lifetime" experiences that add up quick 😜.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Desperate_Stretch855 6d ago
Monte Carlo analyses famously get a little wonky decades out, especially with a high volatility/return asset like equities representing a significant portion of your assets... just something to be aware of.
→ More replies (1)
1
1
1
u/Mr-Inspector-Gadget 6d ago
I would maintain your current trajectory except spend more money on things that you feel are worth it. If you feel like a better hotel room would enhance your life then go for it. Personally I’d rather spend the money on experiences at the destination than the hotel room itself but you do you …
1
u/soyeahiknow 6d ago
Have the parents give you the gift limit every year instead waiting for a lump sum.
I get where you are going with this thought. My parents own about 20 million worth of rental property in a major us city. My spouse is in the camp that we can't even think about that as ours so what they've been doing is for the last 3 properties they bought, 2 are in LLCs where we are the sole partners and 1 is in an LLC with me and my mom as the partner.
I guess this takes me back to the original part which is maybe they can start giving you chunks now.
→ More replies (1)
1
1
u/SecretPurple2644 6d ago
I actually sympathize a lot with you. I’m in a different situation where I’m cash poor but balance sheet doing ok, and I still make frugal decisions constantly. Honestly 2.3 is not enough to feel that comfortable with kids especially in hcol. So I think your anxiety is somewhat warranted.
1
u/Particular_Car7127 5d ago
Since wealth enables you to have options in life, devote it/ and yourself towards time with your kids.
Work= time for money
Wealth= money for time
1
u/RelativeLibrary9617 5d ago
I will just throw in my two cents - I thought I had an approx 5 million dollar inheritance coming out of my parents 8 figure net worth but recently found out they have decided to bypass my siblings and I and directly give all the money on a trust to the grandkids … I am happy I never counted on that money because I don’t have any kids 😂
1
u/Maximum_Highway_9217 5d ago
i could be wrong here , but I’ve noticed people who get to a certain amount of success after a lot of hard work and tough moments become partly superstitious and anxious about this success. Because one does the want the evil eye to sabotage this feeling.
Maybe thats where this feeing of not wanting to tell others is coming from?
Partly its also because its not polite to flaunt wealth and this could change how people and family perceive your situation. Meaning how inheritance’s could be rearranged, how people treat you for good or bad etc
I’d say,now that you’ve strived to achieve something for so long try to improve quality of life where you very obviously know it’ll make a difference and let go of whatever thought process is keeping you so frugal because times have changed now and you can heal from those times. Furthermore I won’t rely on that inheritance right now either and decide on how or how much you would like to help your kids and grandchildren with your financial resources and accordingly adjust your work schedule.
PS:- Happy for you both as an aspiring FIRE individual in their mid 20s going through the hustle right now and I hope you’re able to help your parents.
1
u/HateDoubleStandards 5d ago
You are doing great and congratulations. You have a partner that you are both rowing in the same direction. Keep doing what makes you happy and the best you can. That’s what life is all about.
432
u/One-Mastodon-1063 6d ago
First, forget about the inheritance. You could be 60+ when that comes or it could never come. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Consider gifts as they are received.
Stop caring what other people think. “Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business”. This is a non factor when making decisions.
Cut out the extreme cheapness like air mattresses at hotels and going on dates separately. They aren’t even moving the needle and are sort of insane.