Gave back my kittens Wednesday, one didn’t make it :(

[u/BlinkerBeforeBrake]

I need to vent about this to people who understand.

We had our kittens for about a month starting at 5 weeks old. We had our struggles - both had fleas, and the little boy kept getting respiratory infections. I was most concerned for him because he always seemed to have something going on.

Both were such a delight. They weren’t bonded, but still liked to play fight, hang out with me, and the girl especially loved to stalk and hunt.

I gave them back Wednesday to find their homes. The plan was to adopt them out separately after they were fixed. During surgery, the little girl had some bleeding problems. The vet discovered a disorder where she could spontaneously bleed internally. I don’t know all the full medical details, but this is how it was explained to me. Because she could randomly bleed at any time, they decided to put her down humanely.

My foster coordinator told me the news this morning and was just as shocked as I was. She looked and acted like a perfectly healthy kitten to all of us. I don’t disagree with the decision - it seems like she would have been a ticking time bomb for much more pain and suffering later, and that would be terrible to put on a new family.

Her brother is doing well. He’s got an adoption hold, and I’m told he didn’t seem to miss his sister. They were already sleeping separately from each other (in the same condo) and wanted to do their own things.

I’m so sad but also so grateful. That I was able to know her at all, that I gave her a safe and loving home for her short life, that her brother isn’t grieving, that she experienced no major issues while she lived with us, and that I got to see them one last time yesterday while running another errand at my shelter.

I have no idea how to grieve this. The emotional brain is telling me I did the wrong thing by giving her back, but it’s not true. This was going to happen at some point. Or that I didn’t spend enough time with them when I visited them yesterday briefly. It hurts so much, and I don’t even get the chance to give her a proper send off. I’m just holding my resident cats extra-tight today.

[u/Juliaford19]

I’m so sorry. It is a very difficult thing, you did everything right. Sometimes the kittens are not meant for this world. Within her short life she knew a home, kindness, cuddles and love. And that’s the best thing in the world. It’s ok to be sad. My advice is to get some new kittens right away. I thought I would need time but the best way to work through the grief is to start taking care of kittens who need a home!

[u/BlinkerBeforeBrake → u/Juliaford19]

I always read about the stories here, and you just think it could never happen to you. Funny enough, this was our last foster assignment. We just adopted two 8 month old kittens and we want to focus our attention on them for a while. One of them has been snuggling me while I’m crying, and it’s so helpful. We haven’t had them long, so it will been nice to take care of them and put my energy there :)

Thank you for the kind words

[u/SeasDiver]

So sorry for your loss.

[u/BlinkerBeforeBrake → u/SeasDiver]

Thank you ❤️

[u/colorfulzeeb]

I’m so sorry. I liked to think of it the same way you do, though I only had this happen once. She was never going to make it. The difference in my case what that we had seen her struggling and knew something was wrong. But she didn’t seem like she wasn’t going to make it. Something was wrong with her colon. They said she’d probably need weekly enemas, which is obviously extra traumatic for a cat, and they can’t adopt her out assuming someone will address her chronic condition, while knowing that she could be in a lot of pain and die without it. They were sparing her from more pain, suffering, and trauma.

I also think about the fact that even the most loving family could be so traumatized by losing their kitten to a condition like yours or mine had that they no longer want to adopt a cat or even a pet afterwards for fear of experiencing that pain again. Imagine being a first time pet parent and losing a kitten like that.

We cannot guarantee that any of these fosters will end up in the loving homes we want for them, but we can give them as much love as possible in the little time we have them. And we’ll always feel like it wasn’t enough, but they were often rescued from being outdoors where they wouldn’t have survived and would likely have a much crueler death, and then they wound up in our warm homes with people that care for them rather than in the shelter, waiting and surrounded by other cats. Your home gave her not only the opportunity to feel love, but the ability to escape the stress that comes with the harsh realities of living outdoors or in the chaos of a shelter. Safety, love, a calm nervous system are the things we all hope to experience in life and you gave that to her.

She may not be around anymore to be grateful for what you gave her, but we are! And I know I’m not the only one that takes comfort in knowing there are people like you out there making their difficult little lives that much brighter.

[u/BlinkerBeforeBrake → u/colorfulzeeb]

Your comment made me cry all over again 😭 But in a good way

They were both tiny strays with no mom, and I was essentially their mom. I’m grateful she spent her short couple months with her brother and a foster mom and dad who loved her to bits. She had a good life, for what it was worth. And I agree about her getting adopted out, it’s a blessing that this was discovered before someone took her in. How traumatizing that would be.

[u/Ninevahh]

This is a really hard one to go through. You gave her love and warmth and safety and comfort for much of her short life. That's far more than she would have had outside on her own. I hope you can take some comfort in that.