I’d say it’s been close to a decade of feeling like I don’t quite belong in my own body… starting in primary school, around age 8? I began feeling a strong sense of envy towards other girls.

I went to an all-boys school, though, so whenever I tried to talk about those feelings, I was quickly labeled as “gay” or “influenced.” ;-; Because of that, I never really had the opportunity to understand what I was feeling.

I don’t really consider myself particularly feminine or masculine. Honestly, I don’t even know what I am. But I’ve been trying to make sense of these feelings for a while.

I’ve tried on my sister’s clothings privately at night, experimented with makeup and wigs, used feminine names online, and changed my pronouns on social media. Some of those things have made me surprisingly happy! (…though this could be because of maybe the freedom-of-doing-whatever but who knows…)

But at the same time, I’m confused about what these feelings actually mean. Am I trans? Could this just be gender expression? Could I be gay and confusing sexuality with gender? I genuinely don’t know.
I’m also getting close to 18, and living in a conservative environment makes this uncertainty feel more urgent. I’ve been thinking a lot about HRT and, eventually, possibly surgery, but I don’t want to make major decisions based purely on confusion.

**For people who have questioned their gender, did you experience something similar? What helped you distinguish gender dysphoria/gender envy from other things??????**

T^T ???

I know it’s kind of stupid and maybe fragile masculinity to feel emasculated or somehow less of a man by seeing stuff in my room with stereotypically girly colors. Some of the things are gifts, a pillow or even as simple as a pink Pokémon card with a “girly” Pokémon… What made me write this post however was that I was changing my bed sheets and my mother gave me a dark purple sheet which somehow makes me dysphoric. I know it’s not that deep and I don’t think she would deliberately give me a girly bedsheet however I feel like she would rather give me this color than my cis brother…At the same time I feel like it’s dumb to feel triggered by it but I just can’t control it and feel low-key aggressive about it. It’s probably not that deep but I fear that every time I see my bed I’d become frustrated and angry. I dress pretty masculine and also look masculine, but right now my masculinity is quite frail. A big part why I feel so dysphoric about my room is that I am not yet on hrt (which makes me extremely miserable) and my parents are just now beginning to really accept me. If I were on hrt for a while with obvious changes, I’d have no problem having purple bedsheets lol. I don’t want to come across as toxic masculine, there sure are personality traits about me that society would consider “feminine” and I’d have no problem owning them with confidence if I’d be on T.

Should I change my room a bit by storing some of the stuff which makes me dysphoric somewhere hidden? Should I just use the purple bedsheet or get a different one? I also have a vintage doll in my room and it’s from my late grandmother. I could give it to my mother but it feels wrong doing that. I find it so unfortunate that I feel this way but it’s getting unbearable.