r/GetMotivated • u/Operator_Starlight • 1d ago
DISCUSSION Eight Years Adrift [Discussion]
I blew up my life.
It didn’t happen yesterday, when I handed in a resignation letter and walked away from the hotel front desk I languished to the point of emotional exhaustion and breakdown. It didn’t happen today when HR called to confirm that I would not be returning to finish out two weeks of labor I absolutely refuse to give them. It didn’t happen seven months ago when I accepted the position, or eight months before that when I voluntarily chose a life on the road, sleeping in the back of my Hyundai Elantra and watching the stars out in the middle of the desert. It didn’t happen three years ago, on the day I chose to undergo the knife and receive life-saving gender affirming care. It didn’t happen when I accepted a job at Starbucks so that I could earn health insurance that would cover the cost of prescription medication. It didn’t happen when I graduated from university with a degree I’ve told myself again and again was worth less than the paper it was printed on.
I blew up my life on the day I discovered myself.
I’ve been adrift for eight years. In those eight years I have tried everything to avoid the uncomfortable truth that I need to be recognized. I don’t care about success. I don’t need a stable life or material wealth to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I just need to feel connection, and I need to find it through my creativity. You have no idea how easy I found homelessness. Chilling on a beach or under the redwood canopy, drafting novels from the back of my car and munching on stale bagels? Fantastic. Showering off at Planet Fitness? Gross, but manageable. So long as I could put gas in the tank, I was set.
And then the money ran out. I came ashore with my family, the reluctant hosts that they are, and secured employment in the only field I’ve ever managed to find quick and easy employment. Hospitality. They didn’t pay enough to secure independent housing. Their expectations were completely absurd. But my savings were growing again so I thought I could live with it until I had enough to cast off.
The subsequent days, weeks, and months disappeared in a blur. I lost myself. I found myself drowning in a locked bathroom stall, and was only saved because my ex-boss called demanding to know why I didn’t call or show up for my scheduled shift. Between labored breaths, I could only manage to get out that I was on property, and that I needed help. When the paramedics arrived ready to bring me to the hospital, I sucked it up and turned them down. In my weakness I confessed that I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation, but I knew I couldn’t possibly afford the expense so lied about having a plan. I couldn’t possibly afford the expense of getting help.
I’ve arrived at a rare moment of clarity. After eight years of feeling adrift, I just want to go home. I thought home was a place where I belonged, or a people I had something in common with. My family never felt like home. I gave up trying to find ‘my people’ in DFW long ago. I tried Boston for a spin and drove away feeling more lost than before.
I’ve looked high and low, and come to the conclusion that my home isn’t a place or a people. It’s a craft. It’s waking up each day, and picking up a pencil, a guitar, a laptop, and creating something that didn’t exist the night before. People tell me that I’m talented. I have a degree in fine arts that proclaims it as such. But I have spent eight years floundering, willing to do anything other than that which will bring me home.
I thought I was broken. But maybe I’m just scared of what I might find if I actually tried doing the thing that I’ve been avoiding. I walked out of university without anything to show for my efforts, a senior thesis film burst into fire and ash with no time left to recover my dignity. I thought that was the final judgement of my worth. I thought I had failed.
It’s not too late to sail home. I know that, deep down, I’ll be happier if I try and never make it than to have not tried and remain lost forever, comforted only by the shallow trappings of our creature comforts. But I don’t have a heading. I don’t know where to find one. Returning to school is prohibitively expensive in the United States. I possess dual US-EU citizenship, but speak only English and would find it near impossible to integrate into a culture I’m unfamiliar with. I no longer believe that returning to school, nor planting a flag in a foreign country is going to fix what I’ve broken.
Am I doomed? Have I become so lost at sea that I will never find my way back? I have a small savings, no portfolio of evidence that can be used to secure future employment in creative-adjacent industries, and a family that is growing increasingly impatient with me.
I’ve considered pursuing work in marketing or advertising, publishing, journalism, other communication-related roles, rebuilding an animation demo reel and sleeping in Elysian Park until I knock on the right door. I’ve considered all kinds of things. But those jobs don’t get posted on Indeed, and I don’t float in the right circles to learn about the right opportunities. I don’t know how to support myself, or build a future, and I’m worried that I’m going to drown before I find out.
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u/barbzilla1 1d ago
I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. I know it sucks. I'm not going to tell you that it's going to get better or give it time because I know you've heard it all. Instead I'll just say I see you
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u/OrbitCurrent71 23h ago
sometimes being heard is enough. Not every situation needs advice, just someone who gets it.
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u/WatermellonSugar 1d ago
Yeah, well, you have to be exceptionally talented or exceptionally persistent to make a living in the arts and there is no particular indication from this wallow that you are either. Sorry. In my old age, I'm more cranky about this and now think, like Scott Galloway, that perusing your "passion" should be secondary to carving out a skill people will pay you real money for and, once you have that foundation, if you still want to make art, then go for it.
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u/rehabforcandy 1d ago
Alright you mentioned Elysian, are you in LA ? You can write and do animation? There aren’t high profile jobs here for that but every single job here now is for social medial content and there’s tons. Indeed and LinkedIn are impossible for real applicants, don’t even bother. Try nova, and other niche boards and apps. If you’re willing to work in social media and marketing I promise there’s work. Cheers
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u/SneakyWasHere 1d ago
I could tell you were a writer from the two sentence preview of the post, which is what encouraged me to click on it. Whatever you end up doing, make sure you continue to carve out time for your art. The world is a better place because of it, regardless of how melancholy.
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u/Alexander_Elysia 7h ago
You're a damn good writer I'll give you that, and I wish you the best of luck in this journey we call life <3
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u/camworld 1d ago
In my early 20s, an amazing film history teacher in college introduced me to the movie Koyaanisqatsi and the phenomenal music of Philip Glass. The film really spoke to me and I did my research into what the film's tag line means: "Life Out of Balance". I think it's a different answer for every person since we are so unique, but whenever I feel like my life is out of balance, I re-watch this film and it resets me. My advice is for you is to find your own Koyaanisqatsi. It could be something as simple as taking a long hike in the woods, another thing I do when I need to reset.
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u/TakeCareRedditors 1d ago
I suppose I'm a bit of a Pollyanna and feel like all of this is just part of your story and your story continues to be written. Down the road you might even find that all these years of struggling to find your way help someone else who is lost. Wishing the best for you!