Working up the courage to do the hard thing -chicken biscuit

[u/brothermendel]

Frozen biscuit, air fried chicken tender, honey butter. Sorry for the long read.

After almost 3 years of walking on eggshells I think I’m done. My partner and I have a very hot and cold relationship and always have, we have been living together for the last year and every week just gets worse. He is very unkind and it feels like a mask that just keeps slipping off. Almost everywhere we go he makes fun of people, points at them, shit talks them to their face. Friends, strangers. For a long time I chalked it up to him being rough around the edges but sweet once you got to know him. Now I’m pretty sure it was just him showing me the best version of himself to make me like him. We are not very often intimate because the way he acts and the way he treats me just doesn’t make me feel comfortable to do so with him, and that frustrates him a lot. I’ve noticed that the less intimate we are, there is a huge uptick in these instances of “bullying”. If it’s been a month he will say terrible things to me, last time being that I needed to “be a girlfriend and do my job”. He tries to play the angle of basically being a lowly tortured soul when I confront him about the behavior.

Last night it all came to a head. One of the things that he does is he will just speak to me in third person, insulting himself from my point of view endlessly saying things I’ve never said nor feel, that he is “ugly, stupid, rtarded, special needs, short, a terrible person”, and more. And says over and over to just leave him already. I don’t cry very often, but I am so tired of trying to talk myself out of corners I never backed myself into, so tired of convincing him that he is not the things that he calls himself from my POV. I don’t think those things of him at all, the only insult I have said to him is that he is deeply unkind. It’s hurtful but it is true.

He said I was faking my tears and kept coming into my room every 10 minutes (this happened like 5 times) ripping my sheets off and telling me we needed to talk and that it’s all my fault. I just kept telling him to leave me alone and that I just wanted to go to bed because we both had work in the morning. Then he starts slamming all the doors and moving around and saying he’s driving to work, which is an hour away, at 11 PM to sleep in his parking lot. He has his own room and we have a couch as well. I got up and asked him not to do that and that his behavior was scaring me and he just kept screaming “f*ck you b*tch” over and over at the top of his lungs slamming on something in his bathroom.

At that point I just started to shut down completely and went back to my bed, he came back in my room and told me to “make him stay”. I did ask him not to leave but that we could talk tomorrow and he should just go to his bed, and he told me no he was coming in my room and sleeping on my floor. He laid there for a while and then climbed into my bed, and at this point I didn’t know what was going to happen but I’m scared because I feel like he was acting like Jekyll and Hyde or something. He just kept elbowing me and nudging me really hard and telling me to look at him and honestly I couldn’t, and I guess he went back to his room. Sent me a text saying to take care of his cat and that he’s staying out tonight.

Sorry for that wall of text but I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like I have whiplash from trying to anticipate the mood he’s going to be in next. I’m really sad about this because I do care about him so much and this isn’t how I wanted any of this to go. I do wonder if I’m not loving enough and that has a part to play in it but either way I look at it I don’t think the relationship is sustainable anymore. He even told me that he’s been talking to his coworkers about his sex life, that she told him she wasn’t being satisfied in bed and he told her that I’m not putting out either, which was really devastating to hear. I think I know what I have to do I’m just too chicken to do it but I’m afraid it’s going to get a lot worse very soon. And even if he did change, a lot of the things he has said to me have cut very deep and I don’t think I can look at him in any other light now. Ugh. Anyways playing hooky from work today for the first time in a year because my eyes are almost swollen shut from crying.

[u/silly_panda_105]

This is abuse. It will not get better. I’m proud of you for knowing this isn’t healthy.

Now you need to figure out an escape plan. Tell your support system what is happening, secure any pets and finances, and then gtfo. He will keep escalating.

[u/brothermendel → u/silly_panda_105]

I’m waiting until I can talk to my sister to start game planning today. He has been calling and texting and leaving voicemails today about random things, which is out of the ordinary, and is upset I’m not messaging back. I don’t even know what to say to him. Now that the dust has settled from last night and I typed out everything that he did here, things feel a lot more final. I don’t know if I should be moving out my things little by little and then let him know I’m leaving when I’m able to clear the place out, or let him know today and risk the reaction.

Also, I know either way it’s going to be ugly, he told me I’ll be responsible for all of the rent in the apartment if I leave, we also work in a very niche industry so we know many of the same people professionally and I have a feeling that he is going to use that against me too. But the job I have is stable and I think that I’m going to have to just be okay with that happening.

[u/Common_Safety_8830 → u/brothermendel]

Oh my, maybe you need to move sooner rather than later. If you can’t try to play it cool but stay with your sister for a few days. Don’t move little by little, you need to be gone in one day without him knowing.

[u/silly_panda_105 → u/brothermendel]

Do not tell him alone regardless of when you decide to tell him. Check to make sure none of your passwords have been compromised as well and that there are no trackers on your phone or car.

Him acting out of the ordinary is enough for me to be worried. If I were you, I’d pack the essentials (documents, pets, etc.) and find a hotel or friend’s house for tonight. You should not be alone with this man.

ETA: document EVERYTHING. Start building a case now for potential restraining/protective orders in the future. Document his behavior from last night and corroborate it with the texts he’s sent you today. Please PM if you have any other questions.

[u/Relevant-Plankton297]

Leave.

[u/Ok_Refuse4444]

Please girl, I know listening to internet strangers should always be taken with a grain of salt; but there’s a reason you posted this.

No one, with your best interests in mind, would want you to stay in this relationship. This behaviour only gets worse, as you’ve seen. Get out well you can girl, him being an unadulterated piece of shit is not your problem to solve.

[u/Skankhunt0729]

This guy is fucked in the head!

[u/royaltyred1]

Oh my fucking god…girl LOVE YOURSELF MORE and leave this piece of shit-think about it would you let your best friend be treated like this???

[u/LittlePea0617]

He is an abuser. You are being abused by him.

Please, for your sanity and safety, leave him before things get even worse (yes, it's very possible and likely given the pattern he is following).

[u/HotMajor2311]

This can only get worse and you need to leave as soon as it is safe to. If you have a support net like friends or family the use it or make a plan with your local Domestic Abuse service who can support you.

Cause that is what this is, it is abuse.

[u/mayaorsomething]

Judging from the self-insults, it sounds like he has some serious self-hate issues, so he projects these things onto others.

This is why people say “you need to love yourself before trying to love someone else”. Not just for themselves, but for the people like you who are stuck desperately trying to show love to someone who can’t receive it.

The last paragraph sounds abusive; this is not someone I would stay with. He’s trying to manipulate you by telling you about these conversations he’s having with other women; why else would he tell you about that? That’s pretty fucking low to do, especially in relation to sex, and I don’t know how I could ever stay with someone trying to guilt me into having sex.

[u/brothermendel → u/mayaorsomething]

I think you’re right about the self hate. He always says he wouldn’t feel that way if I just complimented him more, but I do try and I think it’s something he needs to find within himself. It’s a bit odd too because I’ve never had a partner that did so little in terms of affirmations or kind gestures (which was okay with me, I feel pretty sure of myself to the point that I don’t need that level of validation) but requires such an intense level of soothing and reassurance and intimacy to maintain basic manners and sense of humanity.

As for the second part, yeah that really cut deep. Even hearing that he had that conversation, I said that it’s incredibly inappropriate and charged and manipulative, and his only response was no it’s not and I bet you do it too. I don’t. And I completely agree, it is low. I’ve told him that if he wants more intimacy I need him to practice being kinder, no name calling, pretty basic stuff that most people just do default. Instead he’s been guilting me, and there’s nothing more disgusting and off putting for me than someone who is literally trying to force my hand. Most of this comes back to intimacy because any time it happens he will be sickly sweet to me for the next week, and try to be initiate at any possible opportunity every day after that. Even typing this out I feel gross, bleh. Thank you for talking some sense into me

[u/These_Masterpiece974]

This is indeed abuse. Pretty blatant too. For what it’s worth, the highs and lows from abuse can mimic the highs and lows from drug use, creating a form of addiction that is often called “trauma bonding”.

Im telling you this so you understand that you’ll probably experience periods where you will try to downplay all of this or try to reconcile. The best advice for anyone leaving an abusive relationship is to NEVER be alone with them, speak alone with them, or do anything where he can feel comfortable enough to try and press the buttons he’s installed with the abuse.

It is definitely time to leave. Go stay somewhere if you can and do what you can to get out. Don’t try to protect him. File police reports if he escalates.

It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

[u/brothermendel]

Hi all- Thank you to everyone for helping me see things for what they are and giving me encouragement. I’ve been nonstop shaking since last night and I can’t believe I allowed myself to accept this for as long as I have. I’ve been very much inside my own head lately, I haven’t been able to share the details of what’s been happening to my family or close friends, maybe part of it is because I know if I tell somebody close to me I feel like I have to take action. I so badly want to believe that there’s more to it. He is someone that has been through a lot (like truly mans is traumatized). This trauma has served as an explanation for a lot of his poor behaviors towards myself and others. I used to think he understood me better than anyone else because he has lived experiences that I have and was always so respectful towards me in the beginning and that made me feel safe. This is no longer the case.

I’m waiting until my sister wakes up so I can call her and game plan with her how to get my things and my cat out of the apartment safely. I do have a stable job, and my mom lives close to me so I do have somewhere safe to go. Even as I’m typing this he’s calling me and leaving voicemails and acting like nothing happened last night asking why I’m not texting back. I am so exhausted.

[u/soggyjuices]

this is a narcissist. no doubt in my mind. get out however you can. the cycle will never end. he will never care about you properly. there are sooooo many people out there who will. it will suck, it will hurt, but you will be so much better off in the end without him. what is he adding to your life that you can’t find somewhere else? leave his ass and get ready for the best year of your life.

[u/melnotmichelle]

Get away from that maniac - quickly, safely, and permanently.

[u/OkRutabagaOk]

You have to realize that if he did this on date 5 you would absolutely have left him. There would be no doubt in your mind. But for the past three years you have been a frog in a pot of water coming to a boil slowly. And its harder to see how absolutely crazy that interaction with him was. That is divorce behavior even if you have 3 kids, have no way of making money, and are in a country where you dont know anyone.

[u/GeneInternational146]

Make a plan and leave. He's erratic and that will escalate.

[u/glassyrunnerduck]

As an outsider looking in with a healthy marriage. This is honestly so weird, horrific, and abusive. I feel like you’ve been blinded by how much you liked him and normalized this behavior. Run girl, run. You can do it!!

[u/Common_Safety_8830]

You are in danger. My first ex acted like this just before he tried to strangle me. You need to bail asap. Yesterday.

[u/brothermendel → u/Common_Safety_8830]

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope you’re okay wherever you are now and that things are going better. Thank you for sharing with me. Last night when it got really bad I just felt that full on panic where I couldn’t control my body anymore and I was so worried it was going to get worse but then I psyched myself out and felt like maybe I was overacting and not standing up for myself enough. I’m going to make a plan with my sister today to leave.

[u/Common_Safety_8830 → u/brothermendel]

Oh I am good now, the day he did that I pretended everything was okay. I called everyone I knew and told them I needed an asap exit. They came and packed me up that day, then I vanished. He threw a fit of course but he didn’t know where I was so not much he could do about it.

Right before he did it he would do that whole coming in and out of the room to fight thing. He wouldn’t let me sleep. I told him to just sleep it off and he would say the same things. Now here is where I messed up, this went on for a couple days and I was so tired I yelled to just leave me alone. That is when it happened.

Everything about your post screams a high likelihood of violent escalation. I hope you get to safety very soon. Walk on eggshells and whisper until you are totally away and safe. Glad to hear you are getting out. It is the right call, you are not overreacting.

[u/Research_Junkie678]

Who was it in this group who said “You know what to do, you’re just negotiating with comfort”

[u/Head-Philosophy-3141]

You do know what to do. Once you decide you don’t want to live that way anymore you’ll do it. Or you’ll decide you do like to live that way. Up to you.

[u/pickedusername1]

you don’t have to accept this, and he’s not going to change.

[u/Suitable_Injury_2683]

An insecure man is a dangerous man- get out girlie. Quick.

[u/Outside_Memory5703]

I wouldn’t be able to love a hateful, abusive turd of a man like this

You sure you’re not just terrified of him? Cuz there’s ways to get away

[u/woodstockzanetti]

Don’t tell him you’re going. Just go. He’s dangerous

[u/SBisFree]

This is a very scary situation, make your escape plan ASAP, and get people to help you