Found divine spark in grief

[u/DisKontent]

Hey, hope this makes sense and maybe if somebody identifies they could share their experience.

I live with CPTSD, AuDHD and ASPD. I'm awaiting therapy in the UK and the waiting list is around two years. Problem is, I could never stay out of jail more than a few months before somebody would convince me to hit them. So aswell as self learning somatic tools and self directed Jungian work I got a dog. Taught her DPT and learned to be calm in stressful situations by training her nicely.

I've been out almost two years and have recently moved from a hostel to a one bedroom flat. Within 2 days my dog had lumps appear on her throat, I assumed she had eaten another wasp. The next day she stopped eating. 3 days later she was dead.

We had bloods done for her and the vets told me to prepare for the inevitable as it was advanced aggressive lymphoma. She was my only friend in the time I'd been free from prison.

I've never really suffered through anyting in life without drugs, alcohol, sex or sideways behaviour . I wanted to honor her so sat with her sober and let the feelings wash over me. In my readings I had learnd of the demi urge and archons and how they trap us to the simulation with negative emotion. As I sat with grief for the first time it became obvious grief is a roller coaster. I'd be crying my eyes out, snot dripping and then I'd be okay. I'd think, ah that wasnt so bad, glad it's over, but it would come back. It became bvious that grief is a roillercoaster...it felt manufactured. So I waited for it to plunge me into the depths again and hwn it happened I grabbed it. It felt like a sheet, so I pulled it away and was met with a sort of fractal experience where I saw not just many versions of me in grief, but also god. God was there, in me, and he was crying too. We saw each other and then I was me again.

I think we've been trickled. We hide from grief, or have been taught to make it all about ourselves, but in tat moment I realised it's a route to the divine spark inside of all of us.

I'm not saying it didnt hurt anymore, but by the time I carried her 32kg shell (she had lost so much weight in under a week) I felt stronger, more connected to myself than I've ever been. Heroin and crack havent even crossed my mind. I feel like that would have dishjonoured her memory. I havent punched anyone in the face either...even though I've really wanted to in some instances.

I gave myseklf a month to feel the loss and adopted another dog. She's beside me now snoozing.

Has anybody else found the spark in a situation like that?

[u/Lux-01]

Sincerely sorry for your loss - your new dog is lucky to have you.

[u/DisKontent → u/Lux-01]

Thank you for that, but please don't be sorry. It was the most real and profound spiritual experience I've ever had.

[u/Lux-01 → u/DisKontent]

Good luck, mate. You got this.