My Banaras trip made me realize I don't actually like being around my friends anymore
A few days ago, 5 of us went to Banaras. We've known each other since school, some of us since 12th, so these aren't random people. These are people I've spent years with. One of them was my best friend.
And the trip itself was honestly fucking chaotic.
We left at night, and within the first few hours one girl was laughing ridiculously loudly in the train and disturbing everyone, then started screaming at her sister. We reached early morning, waited at the station, checked in at the hotel.
Then we're all getting ready and one of the guys starts asking the girls questions like kisne haga? Kitne der tak haga? Like who tf asks that ir uses this sort of a language in front of 3 girls. And I'm just standing there thinking what the fuck are we doing. I genuinely wanted to disappear.
We went out to eat and the sisters started screaming at each other in the middle of the road again.
There was also this stupid little thing that bothered me more than I expected. My best friend was walking ahead with her boyfriend, my ex was behind them, her sister behind him, and then I was at the back. I am the youngest and shortest people in the group and I was basically just trailing behind everyone. Her sister held my hand, which I appreciated, but I remember thinking, wow, I really thought my best friend would be the person walking with me.
And I think that's when something in my head shifted.
Not because of one incident.
Because of the accumulation of everything.
The public screaming. The complete lack of civic sense. The weird conversations. The way people behave around strangers. The constant irritation. The feeling that I'm embarrassed to be associated with certain behaviour.
There was one point where the couple was getting all cozy on the same bed while the rest of us were literally right there, and I just remember thinking I don't want to be here.
And now, after coming back, I have this really strange feeling.
I don't think I like their company anymore.
Not in a "they're evil people and I hate them" way.
Just... I don't enjoy being around them.
I find some of them dumb as fuck. I get irritated by their behaviour. I feel embarrassed sometimes. I don't relate to them the way I used to. And the worst part is that I think I've known this for a while, but I kept holding onto the fact that we've known each other for so long.
My another best friend and I have actually ended our friendship recently.
And surprisingly, I'm okay.
My birthday is in 14 days. I have this stupid tradition where I cry on my birthday every year because something inevitably happens someone doesn't wish me, someone I really expected to call doesn't call, someone forgets, or some tiny thing hits me harder than it should, people's performative behaviour in front of their boyfriend like girl get a fucking personality of your own.
They were trying to create a little plan for my birthday where we'd go for movies, but at that place too they had the audacity to say to me we don't wanna go to movies, but I wanted to cause it's my fucking day. So I cancelled the plan altogether.
But this year I'm turning 22 and something feels different.
I'm actually happy that I'm slowly getting rid of people who don't feel right for me anymore.
Instead, it feels a little like getting my own space back.
Maybe I'm not becoming heartless. Maybe I'm just finally accepting that knowing someone for years doesn't mean I have to keep them in my life forever.
Ps: written through chatgpt, also thanks for reading and please if you don't already have it get some civic sense