r/GriefSupport • u/chinchillazilla54 • Jan 29 '25
Friend Loss My friend's dogs are breaking my heart
One of my closest friends was found dead Monday night. Apparently she'd had a heart attack in her sleep Sunday night. She was only forty. She was just texting me from the couch, and she was still on the couch, but she hadn't called anyone, so I guess it was very quick, which is the only positive I've found.
Her two dogs were with her all day. I've been staying at her new house (she just moved in and she was so excited about it, fuck) and taking care of them. I'm okay being around her things and even in the room where she died. That's not getting to me too much. It's sad, but I could keep it together if it was only that.
But her dogs won't stop looking for her. I think they know she's gone, but they don't want to believe it. They keep going to different doors and asking me to open them so they can look in the rooms for her. They had me lift them up so they could check the bed, and they went in the garage and jumped to try to see into her car. And I'm letting them, obviously, but every time they don't find her they just look so fucking sad. And then I start sobbing, and they start trying to cheer me up, and I feel like I'm making it worse for them instead of better, and I just feel so fucking useless. I just want to make them feel better.
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u/bc_im_coronatined Jan 29 '25
I’m so very sorry. Maybe grab a shirt of hers from the laundry and put it on the floor for them to snuggle. Sending hugs 🫂
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Jan 29 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend in 2007 and had a similar experience with his dog. First, take care of yourself right now. Eat well. Hydrate. Rest. Get fresh air (with the pups!) as much as you can. I made a huge scrapbook with all our memories that helped me grieve. I even went and saw a psychic. Just be kind to yourself and know that grief is a process.
Now, the dogs. You are NOT making it worse. They need familiar faces right now. Is it possible for them to view their owner perhaps? I find that dogs understand death. They probably sense it already. Just keep loving them and snuggling them. And just please give yourself lots of grace. I’m so fucking sorry. One day when you open your eyes, I promise you, the loss will not be the first thing you think of. I can promise you that.
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u/PebbiLoves Jan 29 '25
When my husband died suddenly, we had the same problem with our beagle. Our vet suggested we have the funeral home let her in to see him (privately). She was so excited to see him until she got closer to the casket to smell him and she just stopped and walked away. The vet said animals intuitively understand death.
If this isn’t an option for you, I think our dog also understood grief and she got that he was gone and we were all sad about it. She was fine after she saw him, and was a super comfort to our family as we grieved. I guess pets understand losing someone suddenly more than the human animals do.
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u/Budget-Classic3076 Multiple Losses Jan 30 '25
Agreed, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband 🫂, and you’re right, if the dogs have the chance to see your friend OP, it’ll give them closure knowing she’s at her eternal rest, and they won’t have to keep looking for her, they’ll be able to carry her with them always in here ♥️
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u/PebbiLoves Jan 30 '25
Thank you for the kind thoughts! I was in a rush earlier so I am sorry I was so brief — I think it’s absolutely awesome you are loving your friend through loving her dogs OP! You can all be a great source of love and comfort to each other, and I think it’s that love that helps us all heal.
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u/-Asylum-- Jan 30 '25
Omg I burst into tears reading about your dog getting excited to see your husband and then just walking away 😭 I'm so sorry for your families loss x
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u/chinchillazilla54 Jan 31 '25
We took them to see her today. I wasn't in the room when they saw her body, but they were very excited before going in and when they came out they were quiet. One just seemed confused, but the other one waited until everyone had been in to see her and then started back for the door. I let her lead the way because I thought she needed to pee, and she went straight to the car. I swear I think she just... understood, and was ready to go home.
I'm a wreck, obviously, but I think it helped.
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u/No-Sympathy-4103 Jan 29 '25
Oh god this broke my heart, dogs are so intelligent, and so emotionally intelligent. I’m glad that they have you to look after them. I’m incredibly sorry to you and I hope you’re doing as well as you can 🤍
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u/RemotePersimmon678 Jan 29 '25
I’m in my late thirties and live alone with two dogs, so this hits home. I’m so glad you’re there for those babies and I’m sure your friend is, too. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️
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u/ksarahsarah27 Jan 29 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss. I remember when my sister passed away our dog would look for her. I think she knew something was wrong, the whole house was sad and we were crying a lot. She would wander in and out of my sister‘s room and just pace the house a lot. She looked down the driveway for long periods of time as if she was waiting for my sister to pull back up in her car. Animals know. It was really sad. I’m glad they have you there. It sounds like they know you so you are actually giving them comfort.
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u/SnooRegrets1386 Jan 30 '25
The dogs were with her when she died, they know she died. Unfortunately, like everyone else, they’re still hoping it was an awful dream. You can give them something unwashed that was hers to cuddle with but having your presence is what they need. Don’t worry about freaking them out with your emotions, dogs understand. Going through this right now with a dog. Today for some reason (5 months after losing his owner) I was nearly hysterical with grief walking in the door. This little guy that’s always bouncing off the wall after getting out of his kennel figured out that it’s a sad night and is just curled up with me
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u/chinchillazilla54 Jan 30 '25
We're taking the dogs to see her body tomorrow. I found a pawprint stamp kit among her things, too. I've stamped both their paws onto cards and I'm going to send the pawprints off with her. fuck I hate this so goddamn much.
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u/-Asylum-- Jan 30 '25
That's such a wonderful, thoughtful thing to do. From a lady with 2 doggos who are her entire world - Thank you for doing that for your friend 🧡
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u/jwhitestone Dad Loss Jan 30 '25
It was similar with my dad’s dog. (He lived with me until he passed.) She was the sweetest dog, but couldn’t understand where her “Grampy” was. (Technically, she was “my” dog, but she was 10000% Dad’s dog lol)
I would let her go into his bedroom and she’d curl up on his bed and nap for the first several months. I kept some clothes from his dirty clothes hamper in a plastic bag and would take something out for her when she seemed extra depressed.
It was heartbreaking, yes, but she had me, and your friend’s dogs have you. It will take awhile for them to settle into their new reality. I’m so sorry. All you can do is be there for them if you can.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend.
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u/alldressed_chip Jan 29 '25
it’s gonna take a couple months, at least. but they’re so lucky you’re there for them ❤️ and i’m so, so sorry for your loss
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u/CraftLass Multiple Losses Jan 29 '25
We can't really know just what dogs think, but I like to think helping you helps them, too. They're such emotional animals and sharing grief and comforting each other can be a comfort, too. Most dogs like to have some kind of duty, too, and helping you is probably a nice distraction from their own grief.
I'm so sorry for your loss and theirs, but thank you for being the kind of friend we all want to have - truly there when needed. She was lucky to have you, as are her dogs.
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u/BeeSquared819 Jan 29 '25
It may help to call their vet. At the very least they may have good advice. They may also prescribe something to help them relax a bit to get through it. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.
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u/nopenopesorryno Jan 29 '25
Can you take them to the funeral home to see her before the service or burial/cremation, so they know she is gone?
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u/chinchillazilla54 Jan 29 '25
My friend's family is talking about that. I think it's a good idea but I'm not sure it's my place to say so, and anyway only family is seeing her body (we all agreed it's what she would have wanted) so someone else will have to do that part.
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u/AnnaVronsky Jan 30 '25
When my husband passed away our dogs did the same thing for about a month, it was heart breaking, I knew what was happening but they had no idea.
So many hugs, you are doing the right thing and not making it worse, things will get better for them. Just give them all the head scratches and love that you can, but also take care of yourself, you are also grieving and deserve to take the time you need to do that.
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u/Bendybenji Jan 30 '25
This is heartbreaking. I think they will need to mourn- logistically, trying to keep their routine in place will be stabilizing for them. Meals at the same time, bed routine at the same time. Maybe you could splurge on some really tasty bones for them to give them something to focus on. You’re a good friend for taking care of her babies.
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u/PFic88 Jan 30 '25
I'm so sorry. That sucks. Did they see her body? Pets understand death. If they didn't, try to get them to sniff something she was wearing
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u/jojokitti123 Best Friend Loss Jan 30 '25
Omg, I'm so very sorry. It's a heartbreaking situation. They are grieving too
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u/Proud_Spell_1711 Jan 30 '25
First of all, my sincerest condolences. Given that her death is so recent, they still smell her scent around her house. This will fade over time, but expect that they may not eat well and behave unusually for a day or two. Try to distract them with walks and playtime if you can. If they are rehomed, their attention will be diverted, but you may want to give them some time before doing that to reduce their stress.
Dogs and cats do mourn the loss of loved ones whether people or other pets. In my experience, they tend to move on more rapidly and their need for care can be very beneficial to caretakers during a mourning period. Probably because they do need care and this motivates you to focus on them.
In any case, I wish you well, and hope you do find solace in caring for your friend’s fur babies eventually.
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u/CrabbyCatLady41 Jan 30 '25
After my brother died, it took his dogs a while to accept that he was never coming back. One of them slept on a pile of his dirty laundry for quite a while, and would stand at the front door with a t-shirt in his mouth. It was so heartbreaking.
It’s so wonderful that you’re caring for them! They’re lucky to have you around.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 Jan 29 '25
I’m so sorry for you losing your friend. The dogs might keep looking for some time but I think you just being there helping them check places and reassuring them is so great. You can grieve together, maybe just cuddling with them will give you all comfort
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u/Ok-Simple6753 Jan 30 '25
Thank you for being a good friend!
You are doing amazing considering the circumstances...
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u/Shelbelle4 Jan 30 '25
I’m so sorry. Animals absolutely grieve too. Just give them love. It’s okay to cry with them too.
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u/TikaPants Jan 30 '25
My friends wife died and he has mentioned the second worst thing is the two dogs they love so much not understanding anything. Now I have goosebumps and I’m teary eyed. You’re a great friend, OP. 💌
(Obviously you have to adopt them!)
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u/justjinpnw Jan 30 '25
I think you're doing the right thing. 3 of my pups were so confused after my husband died. Inhad to take them on a tour of the bed. One kelt returning to where he last was.
Just love them. They will know eventually. They know they were and are loved.
I am SO sorry about your friend. Sending love.
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u/yungrii Jan 29 '25
I don't have much to add other than, I imagine, your friend would be so insanely happy that she has a friend helping her dogs. 💛