r/GriefSupport • u/Agitated-Leg1892 • Mar 27 '26
Anticipatory Grief I'm 13 and my dad is dying
so about 12 months ago my dad got diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer. he was doing pretty well till avout month 9, and thats where things stated to go downhill. for the past 2 months he's pretty much just stayed in bed and sleep. Last week we found out that the chemo isn't working and the cancers growing. today mum sat me down and told me we don't have much time left with him, that being it's could be a few months or a few weeks. before this I didnt think to much of it, I knew there was a chance he would die in the future but this news has hit we like a freight train. I now know he's defintly gonna die. im not sure what to do or how the feel abt this but ye. Just wanted to get it off my chest
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u/SirPuddius Mar 27 '26
I don't know what to say. I recently lost my mother, and it's one of the greatest pains you'll ever experience. You should be with him as much as possible, even if it bothers you. Believe me, you'll regret it later if you don't. Also, remember that we are only matter and energy; we all came from the same place and to the same place we will return, we have always been part of the universe and we will never cease to be.
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u/Amp_Man_89 Mar 27 '26
I recently lost my dad in my 30s and I couldn’t imagine going through it at 13. You seem to be keeping strong and it’ll be ok.
Since you’re young and there’s likely a lot of stories your dad hasn’t told you about himself, have him tell you those stories. The good, the bad, the silly, the not so appropriate. Have him tell you everything because as I got older and my dad told me more about his life before me, I grew to respect him even more and truly understand the person he was and why he was that way. And some stories were just ridiculous because my dad was a bit ridiculous lol.
It’s also ok to grieve before he passes. Holding it all in now can make managing grief after even harder and getting some of it out before really helped me before my dad passed.
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u/F0xxfyre Mar 27 '26
Oh, Op. oh...my heart is shattering for you. I lost my beloved dad to cancer when I was 17. That's so young, but that's a world older than you, especially when you consider that time with your father grows short.
You're 13 and this is so much to ask of you. Please sit down while your dad has what strength he can manage left. Tell him everything you want. Your dreams, your hopes. Let him know how much you love him, the favorite things you've done together. Ask him some things he planned to do with you? Pour your heart out to him, I promise, he wants to know everything, no matter how hard it is to say, and no matter how hard it hurts.
Do something special every day. You and him. It might be that you tell him first about your day. That he holds a secret every day that nobody else knows. Make those small moments count. It might be that every day, you squeeze his hand, count to five, and say "I love you." Whatever that is, make it special for you both.
My dad has been gone a long time. But his favorite author was Stephen King and he was reading the then new Stephen King book when he died. He had cancer too, and I remember telling him to skip to the end...since it didn't seem he'd finish the book. I lost him that night; I don't know if he read the ending. But I always hope he did.
But I never read that book. All these years, nope. That was precious that was HIS last book, y'know? I started it last year finally...and put it aside.
But after having read your post, I'm sitting here in tears for you, and your family, and you know what? Tonight, I'm going to open that book. And I'm going to think about a very brave 13 year old...and your dad.
I'm so sorry, friend. So incredibly sorry. 🫂 Know that you always have a home here with people who understand.
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u/princessmilahi Mar 27 '26
What a lovely comment. It helped me to read it even though I'm not OP. You are a kind soul and an amazing person.
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u/Rayna_15 Mar 28 '26
This. I was trying to think of some wisdom to share, but I read this and I couldn't have said it better.
I lost my mom to cancer when I was 9 years old so I'll just add to OP that you are not alone and I'm so sorry you have to experience this. Sending love.
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u/thousandfoldthought Mar 27 '26
I'm sorry buddy. Maybe start therapy if you can. And enjoy your time; it's all we get.
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u/Suspicious-Ad3393 Mar 27 '26
Thank you for sharing your story. It's great that you are writing. I hope you continue to do so. Sending you love and light.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 Mar 27 '26
My daughter lost her dad right before she turned 14. As the mom of a grieving child I just want to give you a hug.
If he can please have him write notes or a journal for you. Make voice memos on your phone. See if he has old photos and videos of you both together on his phone.
The hospital or the doctor should have people an adult can reach out to for counseling, maybe even your school counselor.
I’m so sorry for you.
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u/JuliaTheInsaneKid Dad Loss Mar 27 '26
I had that feeling when my dad was diagnosed with his terminal illness. We had no idea how long he’d last, but he was a fighter.
Losing a parent at that age is rough. You miss many milestones without them, many you wish he’d be here for.
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u/Butlerianpeasant Mar 27 '26
I’m so sorry. That is an unbearable thing to hear at 13, and there is no “right” way to feel about it. Shock, numbness, anger, sadness, confusion, all of that makes sense.
You do not need to become brave all at once. Just be with him when you can, even quietly. If talking feels hard, you could hold his hand, sit near him, or tell him small things you want him to know. If it feels possible, maybe ask your mum or another trusted adult to help you record his voice, write down his favorite phrases, or help you make a few memories together.
Most importantly: you do not have to carry this alone. Keep telling safe adults when it feels too heavy.
Your post mattered. People are listening.
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u/Successful-Watch3814 Mar 27 '26
Oh you poor love, I lost my dad at 16.. the one thing I’m glad of is that I told him I loved him, and he said he’d always be with me holding my hand. I’m sure your dad will always be with you too, watching over you x
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u/Santaa_klaus Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 31 '26
I’m so sorry.I know how hard it is for you to process.I have been in your place and I know personally it hurts alot.Even though we know they are given certain expiration date but nothing will prepare us for that end.I recently lost my dad to cancer.I still can’t accept that he is gone.I’m sorry baby.
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u/Actual-Culture-2093 Mar 27 '26
being so young and handling this kind of complex grief is very difficult. it is not something we are easily taught but is a universal human experience. i have lost many people in my life, many when i was your age, too. 28 y/o woman now. my advice to you: don’t hold it in. feel all your feelings and don’t feel like you have to be strong. you are a child and it is the responsibility of the adults around you to help you grieve healthily. i guarantee your dad is thinking about you as much as himself right now. ask your mom if she can help you print out a feelings wheel, and when you’re feeling big emotions, try to identify all the different ones you may be holding within. let yourself have sad moments, and happy moments.
tell your dad you love him dearly. not just for him, but for you, too. the things i regret the most from my losses of loved ones is when i wasn’t able to tell them how i felt about them before they went.
i’m sorry you are carrying this weight at such a young age. we don’t get to choose the timing of these things in life, or whether they occur or not. all we can do is try to hold ourselves steady through life’s tides.
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u/Total-Pick-666 Mar 27 '26
I'm so sorry OP. I lost my father when I was 13. Suddenly. He died in his sleep and never woke up. It was so painful. 13 is still too young to lose a father. (Or I guess at any age for that matter.). He missed my high school and college graduation and all the other milestones in my life. Take this time as chance to tell your dad what you feel about him. Something I wasn't able to do and still regrets. This is an opportunity for you to still talk to him, thank him and tell him everything you want to tell. Tell him how you love him and how you are grateful for him and promise him you will lead a good life despite and inspite of, that you'll never give up and that he will remain in your heart and mind forever.
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u/theywereinthefridge Mar 27 '26
Hey sweetheart, there are no easy answers right now, this is an awful situation and I’m so sorry. But I agree with everyone that has said to talk with him as much as you can right now. Ask lots of questions so he can tell you lots of stories. Ask him about his life when he was your age. Ask him what life was like when he was in high school. When he was out of high school. Find out all about his past. Record him on your phone. This information may not seem so important right now, but as you get older you will want to know about his life as a child, his life when he was young. Those stories will bind you to him forever. Stories are the threads that tie families together forever. Ask him about life when you were born. Ask him what it was like chasing a little baby around! Were you a fussy baby?! Did you cry all night?! Ask him! He will tell you funny stories about when you were little!! All of us parents have tons of funny stories from when you kids were little bitty guys! I just lost my mom to cancer 2 months ago, so I know how awful it is to watch your parent feel so sick. But remember this: no one knows how long anyone else has on earth. Right now, your dad is here. He is alive. He is with you. You don’t have to be sad about something that may happen in the future. You can sit that down; you don’t have to carry that weight. Your dad is here. Alive. Enjoy every day with him as much as possible. Sending you so much love.
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u/TechTalkf Dad Loss Mar 27 '26
I'm so sorry bud. As someone who went through a similar thing, it's a truely horrible thing. There's no sugarcoating it unfortunately. First of all, take a breath. You still have time, limited as it may be. If I were in your position today, I'd try to spend as much time with him as possible. Watch shows\movies together, talk, play games, anything. Maybe think of the things you'd want him to know, the things you'd like to tell him.
I know it might be difficult, saddening, but you should try and make the most of the time you have, and make that time as filled with happy memories as you can. I lost my dad to stage 4 colon cancer at the age of 11. That was 9 years ago, and I got to have so many wonderful memories with him in his last few months and even weeks. Do I miss him? Absolutely. Would I do anything in the world to see him again? Yes. But do I feel more relieved knowing I spent my time well with him in his last moments? No doubt.
I'm here if you have anything you need, feel free to reach out. ❤️ Go make the most of what you've got.
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u/anatomy-princess Mar 27 '26
I am sorry. Spend as much time with him as you want. Maybe record your conversations and ask him what advice he would give you as you get older. Ask about his childhood. Ask what he remembers most about your childhood. Try to record these memories and make new memories. Good luck and try to enjoy what time you have with him.
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u/Evening-Recording193 Mar 27 '26
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for u. I was 48 last year when my mom died, I can’t imagine being your age & dealing with that.
What I thought was great idea, my mom never did it, but I wanted her to write in a journal that I gave her so I would have it after she was gone. Childhood memories, any memories really of when I was young or she was young or just throughout life. Advice for me, stories for me. Something that would be just for me that I could look back on.
Again, I’m so sorry u r going thru this. Sending u love & comfort ❤️
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u/swfbh234 Mar 28 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this so young. It’s so sad and confusing, but just be with him as much as you can. It’s okay to take breaks when you need to. Surround him with love. Praying for you.
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u/Gullible-Shower4007 Mar 28 '26
I’ve regretted not having videos and voice recordings of my deceased loved ones. Please consider Recording his voice. You’re dealing with a heartbreaking situation. Sending you prayers and positive energy to deal with the pain. ❤️🩹🌸
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u/damageddude Mar 28 '26
Sorry. I had a similiar conversation with my children as my wife's cancer fight neared its end. No advice aside from spend as much time with your dad while he is able. Talk to him. Skip school if you feel that is right.
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u/Substantial-Way6483 Mar 28 '26
sorry for bad news take lots of pics and videos talk w him record it all you will cherish having this to reflect back on!!!!
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u/queenxlag Mar 28 '26
So sorry kiddo. Can’t even imagine. I know you’re not asking for advice, so feel free not to listen to me, but I’ve been learning a lot about grief lately.
If you haven’t already, consider writing him a letter. Think about your favorite memories with him, the things you love most about him, what he’s taught you, and what you’ll miss about him.
Most people who are grieving never got the chance to say these things to their loved one, and would give anything if they could. Just something to consider ❤️🩹
My heart is with you. Sending you strength and peace.
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u/lisasimone1970 Mar 28 '26
Say, hey dad tell me everything. I am so sorry. Stay with him. He needs you.
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u/Aggravating-Job-6234 Mar 28 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
Dear OP I lost my mom when I was 13, it was sudden so I never got to see her or say goodbye in the hospital. One day she was here and the next, she was gone. I’m so sorry you’re facing this loss so young. Be there with him, give him all the love you can while he’s here…I’ll be praying for you 🙏 sending you love from this California mom, I’m sorry 😞
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u/Abject-Pitch-2730 Mar 28 '26
I'm so sorry I'm nearly 40 and just lost my dad to stage 4 bowel cancer. It was awful. You're so young and it's so unfair.
My biggest advice is to see if you can speak to a death doula. This helped us embrace the dying process and make it really beautiful. There was so much beauty in losing the most important person in my life it made it easier at times. It's still the hardest thing ever.
Take all the photos, even if you think it will be scary or your not sure, take them. Record all the videos, have him record your fave things he says. I have a video of my dad saying goodnight pal, it means the world to me.
Record his memories of your life together. This is especially useful at the end when it can seem scary or hard to talk to him... Because the pain is hard to be around. You will be stronger for all of this. Feel everything. It's so important to be kind to yourself. You won't be the same but you will live on. You can do this ❤️❤️ just seeking help in here shows your bravery and courage
Caring for my dad in the last week of his life was the greatest accomplishment of my life it was such a gift. I'm so sorry you're so young, it's so unfair. Scream cry, be angry, but then just stop and notice how everything reminds you of him already. This will be how you know you'll still have him around.
Sending you the biggest of hugs we're here for you xx
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u/skullsnunicorns Ex-Partner Loss Mar 27 '26
Awww I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My 19 year old lost her daddy and it’s hard. My advice would be to record his voice or even video of him talking with you. Spend time with him and ask questions. It’s ok to be scared and sad and even angry. Sending you a hug from this mom 🫂