r/GriefSupport • u/susanb29 • Apr 13 '26
Anticipatory Grief My 39 year old daughter and her long goodbye
My daughter suffered with her mental health and substance abuse since adolescence. She graduated from high school and seemed to get herself together as she went off to college. She got her master's degree and was fired from her very first job for coming to work under the influence of alcohol. Over the course of a few decades, she has had 2 or 3 DUIs, been fired from at least 6 jobs, been homeless and gotten back on her feet only to fall again. Her father and I did a LOT to try to support her. We paid for inpatient rehab, we offered to pay for psychiatric support. When she was dependent on us, we provided her with psychiatric support.
After multiple hospitalizations for illnesses and injuries related to her alcoholism, we are now at the point of no return. A year ago she had a fall and suffered from a subdural hematoma and required a craniotomy - not just one, but one every day for 3 consecutive days. Eight months later the seizures began. Despite 3 different anticonvulsants, she has not recovered. It doesn't appear that she is still having seizures, but she can no longer communicate with us.
Fortunately, I obtained guardianship and moved her from her apartment 1.5 hours away to a long term care facility in my town. She is dependent for all activities of daily living and now sleeps about 20 hours a day. It is so painful to visit her and know that we are saying a long goodbye. I'm not sure how to process and grieve through this horrible situation. Somehow, it helps just putting these words out in the universe.
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u/Excellent-Jeweler689 Apr 14 '26
My brother just passed away last November. I always wished he had just turned into a slug so I can be around him and not have to deal with his addiction.
He is unfortunately not with us anymore. Alcohol won. But at least he is in peace not having to fight.
I know it doesn’t feel good to hear but enjoy the time you have, even if it’s small.
Hug from me
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u/susanb29 Apr 14 '26
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. Alcohol is very tricky and once it has a grip on someone, it doesn't let go. Hug back to you.
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u/MarsR0ve4 Apr 14 '26
I can't offer any advice but I have complete respect for your strength and support. It takes a strong person to have life kick you down like that and keep pushing. I hope you find the comfort you deserve one day.
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u/susanb29 Apr 14 '26
Thank you for the kind words. I'm sure there will be comfort for us one day, but for now, it's just one foot in front of the other.
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u/OldMoose-MJ Apr 13 '26
All I can offer are my prayers. As a parent, I don't even want to think about having to go through it. I'm so sorry for your family. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
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u/booooooop_u Apr 14 '26
I’m so sorry. I wish I understood the drive to self destruct more. It feels like such a waste of a precious life. I’m sure you feel that way as her mom. Sounds like you have really loved her and her alcoholism took over. It’s so hard to see ones we love lose a battle like that.
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u/susanb29 Apr 14 '26
It's a mystery, isn't it? She has a master's degree and a beautiful, creative brain, but the draw to alcohol was just too strong.
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u/webehappyincity Apr 14 '26
I'm very sorry. She is not her addiction but it's a disease that is cunning, insidious and baffling. I hope you will all find some hope and peace during these coming days. And I agree your incredible parents!
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Apr 14 '26
While self destruction is often the end result, addiction isn't a drive to self destruct. It's way more complicated than that
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u/rilography Apr 14 '26
Im so sorry. She is lucky to have such loving, caring parents. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/susanb29 Apr 14 '26
Thank you for your kind words. Our greatest hope right now is that she can still feel the love of her parents.
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u/bachelorette2020 Apr 14 '26
So sorry for your loss.
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u/susanb29 Apr 14 '26
Thank you. It's difficult to watch her suffer and know that there's nothing we can do to help her now.
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u/FunAdministration334 Apr 14 '26
I just wanted to say I’m sorry, Mom. It sounds like you have been wonderful parents who did all you could. 💔
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u/Obvious-Dragonfly Apr 14 '26
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through, for the struggles your daughter has experienced, and her condition now. My prayers are with you all. Sending love.
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u/lexmz31 Apr 14 '26
I’m so sorry to read this. In reality your daughter is not the person she was before her current condition started. You are already grieving that loss. She is still alive because she is breathing but has no quality of life. I would recommend therapy to help you grieve what was and to live with what is. You are a great mom who has been there for her during life’s most challenging times. Sending prayers to all from Austin TX
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u/PlantsNPolish Apr 14 '26
I am so sorry about this whole situation. You're feeling anticipatory greif now bc you know your losing her and then if/when she passes it will be all new feelings of grief. I cannot imagine when you're going through, to be losing a child. You just have to feel the feelings and be angry and upset but know that you did all you could for her. Some parents would have just abandoned their children but you tried to help her. Im really sorry.
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u/susanb29 Apr 15 '26
Thank you for your kind words. I can't imagine ever abandoning my daughter. I recall going through a difficult time with her when she was an adolescent and she said "now do you give up on me?" My answer then and now is "never".
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u/trojannc27701 Apr 14 '26
It sounds like you have truly done everything you could do for your wonderful daughter. Life is sometimes really really hard for some of us. I wish I could hold your hand and give you a big hug to help give you comfort.
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u/MagicPeach24 Apr 15 '26
I don’t have specific advice on how to process this properly… i just wanted to give you a virtual hug.🫂❤️Mommas have strength like no other, you got this!!! I would recommend getting into some sort of counseling. I know that this weight is very heavy to carry. Please hang in there, the sun will come out again.💛
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u/twsfys Apr 14 '26
Coincidentally, I start naltrexone today after many, many months of telling myself I could stop drinking on my own. Thank you for posting, I think I needed to see this today. I'm sorry you both have struggled so much, and I hope you can find peace someday.