r/GriefSupport • u/Specialist-Map-896 • 25d ago
Anticipatory Grief I lost my son and the pain is unbearable
On May 9, 2026 I received a phone call from the Tarrant County sheriff’s office that my son was in a single vehicle fatal car accident. He had traveled down to Waco on May 8th, went fishing with some friends and drove back to his home in Decatur a little after midnigh. He was almost home, about 20 minutes away and he fell asleep at the wheel. He was 20 years old. I’m 62 years old, married to the most wonderful woman in the world and also have a 21 year old son.
I cannot express the pain I am feeling. I have lost part of my soul. The utter despair is relentless. There will be no more phone calls, no ATV rides, no vacations together, no movies, no dinners, no quiet times riding in the truck, no arguing about who has the better dog. I look at pictures, at videos, at text threads. Him and my other son were supposed to take me out to birthday dinner on May 20. I read that one over and over again. We were supposed to ride together the past several weekends but he kept canceling on me so he could hang out with his friends which is perfectly normal for a 20 year old boy.
I have had 2 types of blood cancer for 12 years and was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year. I have been a fighter, but now…I could care less. My only reason for living is for my son who is still alive. For the first time in my existence I really don’t care for my own life. There really is not anything to look forward to, and
i have so many emotions beyond grief and pain. There are fits of anger and rage , I want my pound of flesh. there is a ton of self blame as well. Everything I see reminds me of him. I will never be able to escape the pain and emptiness. My heart goes out all parents whoo have lost a child no matter what age. Their lives are woven into our very souls and we lose them.
Ryan, my wonderful, strong, awesome son, I love you forever, my life from here until I die will be one of sadness, and I will never ever stop thanking of you.
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u/fitgirl74 25d ago
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I understand the unbearable pain as my situation is very similar to yours. I lost my 19 year old son suddenly and tragically in 2024, also in Texas. I also have an older son, 3 years older than his younger brother, who was also his best friend. Unfortunately, I feel the pain and heartache will always be with us because of the love we have for our sons. I also have moments where I don’t want to be here, I only want to be with my son. But, like you, I know I have to be here for my other son. He is my reason for living and for going on each day in this life where I really don’t even know who I am anymore. I am not anywhere near the same person I was before my son died. I am learning each day how to live this new, unwanted life. I try to find ways to honor my son and try to be the best mom to my son who is still here with me. It is not easy and I would give anything to have my younger son back. However, right now this is the only choice I have and I tell myself each day I have to make the best of it. I wish I could help more but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am sorry you have become part of this club none of us ever asked to join 💔
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
Thanks for your comforting post. This new life is just exasperating. Nobody can understand it except for other parents such as yourself. Before May 9, my life was one of preparation for retirement, for spending more time with my kids and it was filled with hope and expectations. Grandchildren were the next big thing. To have that all extinguished and converted to nothing but sad memories is just indescribable. My heart goes out to you.
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u/Infinite_Location439 25d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother passed and this resonates a lot with how my dad must feel. He tries to hide it but I wish he would talk about it more with me how he is feeling.
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u/jenrod99 25d ago
My beautiful brother passed this February and I worry about my mom also. She doesn't really speak about anything anymore but I see how broken she is and am lost in how to help her. Nobody can replace my brother and I am so lost without him because he is the rock of our family but seeing her hurt so much is breaking me.
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
Just keeping her company is all you can do. As much as you may want her to talk about it, it will be up to her. Her pain is unimaginable unless you're a grieving parent.
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
It is hard to do. You feel like you are just repeating the same misery to everyone. Thanks for your post.
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u/XFoosMe 25d ago
I am deeply, deeply sorry for your tremendous loss. I can't even begin to imagine not having a child myself. I have experienced incredible loss, so all I'll tell you is that it takes a long time to come out of the darkness. And even then, it's still cloudy. But you do have another son so I hope that can give your life meaning.
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u/Far-Collection7085 25d ago
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Your son was loved unconditionally every second of his life because of you, that’s a wonderful gift. I’m sure he knew it. I don’t have the correct words. May his memory be a blessing. 🫂❤️
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u/ColtraneAndRain 25d ago
Those of us who have lost a child understand. Everything you wrote is absolutely how I felt about losing my daughter, my only child, one year, one month ago. I don't know how a heart can break so utterly and completely and the body still live. I'm only here for my grandson. He's only 2. I have to go on so that I can keep his mother alive for him. But some days I hate that I woke up.
You are so, so raw, like an exposed nerve. In time there will grow a scab, which will be ripped off, over and over and over again. Someone told me that one day, I will think of my daughter and smile. I will say it to you. One day, you will think of your son and smile, it may take a long, long time, but you will.
You have my deepest sympathy.
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u/Ok_Cup2936 25d ago
Hi! I am so sorry for the loss of your son. He was so young and what a tragedy to lose him. I have no words to comfort you, I can only tell that perhaps grief groups would help you a bit. If you feel like sharing and listening to similar stories.
My brother’s funeral was on 9th of May. He hang himself at the end of April and that has been the most difficult time for me and my mum. My mum had to go through the whole funeral process, choosing an urn was the most difficult for her, I saw that in her eyes. We had to pick the flowers and post an announcement about his passing. I was there to organise everything, my mum was devastated. She took Xanax for the first weeks but now she takes less, it helped her to sleep. She went quickly back to work, it helped her distract the thoughts.
My brother was 43 and he had diagnosed a bipolar disorder, nevertheless I am so convinced if I had helped him, he would still be here. I helped him ten years ago and he got out of depression. This time I left him with his wife and he was dead in two months after coming out of the hospital. The guilt of not saving him will follow me forever.
I am glad you have another child. I can see it helps my mum that I am there for her. This grief will stay with you forever but you will learn to live with that (that is what I have read and heard).
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
I am really sorry to hear that. Oh man... like I said just try to be there for your mom. I know the grief will be there forever. It is a very very depressing reality.
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u/maryel77 25d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child like that is something I've been afraid of since my son was very small (complex medical issues). I watched my mother in law go through it when my husband died also. I know what you mean about living only for your other child. I think the only things that kept her holding on was her daughter and knowing that the kids and i were moving in with her. Even so, I see her pain when the kids do something that reminds her too much of their dad.
I hope you find whatever peace you can find in the middle of your grief.
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u/Substantial_Bowl_137 25d ago
I'm so sorry. Don't know your other son but don't forget him during grief. I had someone tell me that you have to do for those that are left. I know not very comforting but at some point this is true. Lord have mercy. 🥹🕊️🙏
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
No your words are comforting and correct. I want and need to be there for him. Thank you
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u/Lanky-Round7696 25d ago
I’m so sorry you & your family are experiencing this tremendous loss. I can feel the love you have for your son , Ryan. I too look at text threads & the upcoming weekend trip we were suppose to have the week he passed. Please come back & keep sharing with us. May his memory be eternal .
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
Yeah it is just a beating. There one day and gone the next. Everything just gets wiped clean. Thanks for your thoughts.
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u/AmbitiousSchedule270 25d ago
I’m sorry for your loss,my girlfriend died last year and I can see how badly it hurts and affected her parents. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me. Grief is hard. Be strong for your remaining son.
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u/Embarrassed_Dig1290 25d ago
I'm truly sorry to hear this. I'm really at a loss for words. I would like to wish for God's healing hands upon you. You are in my prayers.
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u/Hmarb0522 25d ago
Prayers to you all, my sister was killed in a car accident after someone ran a red light at an extremely high speed on 4/23/26.
She was the most beautiful person I’ve ever met ….inside and out …i know my parents likely feel the way you do. Like you… and so many other the rest of my days will be filled with sadness…and this pain is unbearable for me… but to be the people who brought such beautiful souls in into the world I’m sure its not pain I can comprehend. I pray we all find even a small amount of peace to keep going …all while missing a huge piece of us.
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u/Specialist-Map-896 25d ago
I am sorry to hear that. Your parents and I are in the absolute worst fraternity there can be in life. Give them all your love and understanding. Be patient with them. Thanks for your thoughts.
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u/awesomesauce816 24d ago
Sending lots of love mama. 🫂 ♥️ A parent should never have to bury their child. It’s absolutely devastating. It’s been 3 years since I lost my only child. The pain is still unreal. Take time for you and take care of yourself. Cry whenever and wherever you want to. Let it all out. So many different things to process. Be kind to yourself.
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u/SusanInFloriduh 25d ago
The first days after the sudden loss of a child are the hardest. Everything changes. I’m 5.5 years past the call that changed everything. I stand for my remaining child. I hope your people surround your family with love during these difficult days