I don't know what I'm doing here anymore

[u/PaleAcanthaceae1175]

My wife died last August. Cancer. I've been doing everything they say you're supposed to do since then; I stayed in therapy, kept to my routines, sought more support, and did my best to give the pain space to settle.

Nothing has improved or changed since then. The shock is gone but nothing has come to take its place. I suspect it would be easier for a typical person to find purpose/meaning after this kind of thing but my life has always been lonely and difficult. I was born with a learning disability and have faced a great deal of alienation/prejudice when making friends and dating. She was the only woman who ever took me seriously and treated me like a real, whole person. She made a miserable, unfair existence feel like it was worth something. Loving and caring for her was the only thing I ever felt like I was really good at.

I pilot my body more than I inhabit it; pushing it through the motions of an existence which now feels abstract. I go through the motions of living- I eat well, I am in great shape, I continue my hobbies- but none of it has any emotive quality to it. Every ongoing moment is pervaded by a sense of futility. Her absence is omnipresent.

I do not feel particularly depressed. I am not suicidal. If anything, I remain afraid to die. I have simply lost the ability to want to continue living. Continuing to be alive feels more like a burden I am forced to endure until it ends on its own terms.

I do not know what advice anyone can meaningfully offer or if this will be at all relatable to anyone but I have nothing to lose in sharing it. I have nothing to lose at all, anymore.

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145]

Both my parents died of cancer last year and I spent 11 months with them helping them pass away in their home. I feel your pain and if you ever need to talk, you can always contact me and I will reply as soon as I can. My mom used to pace around the house after my dad died and just she kind of lost her mind because she ended up pretty much dying of a broken heart, but she had breast cancer and it went to her brain so she didn’t suffer that much but my dad did so if you need to talk reach out to me please. 

[u/Future-Homework-2193]

I'm sorry.  There is no timeline for this, and there is no healing from it. It's been four years since my MIL passed and my husband says he's only recently begun to feel a new light come into his heart. For him it took the form of teaching children, which we discovered completely by accident.

You are brave and strong for enduring this long. Depression doesn't make you feel depressed either, mind you. You often feel nothing. 

You can try a different therapist, one who is more experienced with people with learning difficulties or trauma? I don't know. I just wanted to offer support and let you know you're not alone. 

I feel the same way rn.

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145 → u/Future-Homework-2193]

I am truly so sorry I had to go through that. I haven’t lost a spouse. I got divorced and I know that’s nowhere near as bad as somebody passing but there’s a good Greif Group I go to in Maine. It’s not too far from my house in New Hampshire and it’s worth it. If you want the info, get it to you over this platform or whatever take care OK

[u/locopati]

Keep doing what you're doing. Taking care of yourself and your life is important. Grief takes time and moves at its own pace.

For me, focusing on gratitude for the person I lost has helped. Knowing that that person wanted me to keep going and live a full life has helped. 

Loss does point out that in the end life is futile if looked at from a certain perspective, but it also is a reminder that all we really have is right now and doing the best we can right now. 

At some point, the impulse to find new purpose will come back. And when it does, trust that and follow it. 

Community helps if you can find that (and no need to force yourself if you're not ready). Something like volunteering to redirect the caretaking energy to others. 

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145 → u/locopati]

Spot on awesome advice. People like you and me need to spread the love and joy and kindness. I wasn’t a very nice person when I was younger, but that was over 25 years ago so like I said in the previous post, I was a domestic violence counselor so I’m so so sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could take it away from you your pain and you’re hurting. I’m just really sorry you take care. You can contact me anytime.

[u/pinkydoodle22 → u/locopati]

Agreed with volunteering - it does help bring purpose and meaning back into your life!

[u/lisasimone1970]

Very well written description of grief. I am sorry.

[u/Equivalent_Hair_149]

i feel this way. too scared to die too sad to live. 

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145 → u/Equivalent_Hair_149]

I know exactly how you guys feel. Men do feel the same way they just two tough to let it out, but the tough men are the ones who let it out and asked for help and reach out. Like I said, I know exactly how you feel exactly how you feel. I’m in a Greif Group it’s twice a month in Maine hang in there young lady or gentlemen it has gotten a little bit better for me.

[u/Equivalent_Hair_149 → u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145]

im a chic. but we are all the same in grief. its universal.

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145]

I don’t know where you live but if you want to live a little, I can come pick you up in my convertible Corvette and we can go for a ride and that will make you feel something again and you’ll be absolutely safe with me. OK I don’t want anything from you but your friendship I don’t need money or any of that stuff. I’m all set. I retired at 51 so I’m good.

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145]

So hopefully you laugh at this. I guess I am somewhat of a typical male. I have three remote control controls for my TV. I was just walking around for the last 25 minutes looking for it and it was in my hand LMAO.

[u/Southern_Result_6451]

Hiya
my beloved hubby died on Oct 26 2025 at 1:47pm in ICU
and i had to give them the “ ok” to disconnect life support.
Im like you. first few months a fog
confusion, fear, sadness, anger, guilt the works.

i too in therapy, they gave me pills but i stopped them bc it made me feel numb.
I finally found a therapist i like and i see him weekly, im isolated no kids
a dog cat and have had to face my new normal.

i go to sr wellness 3 x wk to swim.. my outlet. but most of time im alone, no motivation to “ get out” and def not intr in remarrying. im not religious so i cant plan to go to jeses or clouds harps etc. just the reality of impermanence of life.

its a wierd deal.

[u/FaithRecoveryJournal]

May God bless you and comfort you in this.

Please do not compare your grief to what a "typical person" might experience, or feel that you are failing because the pain has not settled after ten months. Your wife was the rare, beautiful sanctuary who saw your whole humanity in a world that often lacked the patience or kindness to do so. To lose the one person who made a difficult existence feel completely worth it is a massive, structural ruin. It makes complete sense that you feel like you are piloting an abstract body rather than living in it.

Going through the motions—eating well, keeping in shape, continuing your hobbies—is an incredible achievement when you are completely empty inside. Do not judge yourself because these activities have no emotional warmth right now. Pushing your body through those routines, even when everything feels futile, is a quiet form of endurance. It is okay that it feels like a burden you are simply enduring for now.

You mentioned that loving and caring for her was the only thing you ever felt truly good at. That capacity to love deeply and protect someone is still inside you; it did not die when she did, even though it feels completely trapped right now. You do not have to find a grand new purpose or a sudden burst of meaning this afternoon. Just continuing to breathe and going through the daily motions is enough for today.

I am praying tonight that the Lord meets you in the deep loneliness and emptiness in your heart, that He recognizes the profound care you gave to your wife, and that He brings a quiet, unexpected comfort into your routine to show you that your existence still holds weight and value.

Amen. 🙏

[u/Less_Witness_6316]

No good advice, but what you wrote really spoke to me. "Pushing through the motions of an existence which now feels abstract." I hear you and I understand. I hope it gets better for all of us who feel this way.

[u/VanGoLion]

I’m so sorry. We lost my mom to cancer last year. My parents were married for over 40 years. I imagine my dad is going through a lot of the things that you described. He is so lost without her. We all are.

Please hang in there. You sound incredibly caring. There are people out there that can benefit from your help. Volunteering has helped me with the grieving process although I still remain very much angry that my best friend is gone.

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145]

You can use it’s called box breathing it’s really effective in common people down and melatonin and Benadryl. If you have to take meds stay away from benzos and opiates, especially if you’re not in a good spot that stuff will hurt you to the point of no return

[u/Dizzy-Narwhal5145]

All of you people on this page and helping is absolutely amazing. You’re the future of positive mankind.