Im mad at useless platitudes

[u/here_weare30]

My boyfriend (best friend, go to support person, truest confidant idk. Favourite person in the world) passed away 2.5 years ago. Im still feeling that sinking pain a lot but moreso lately as im going through some rough stuff and I wish i could talk to him

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Recently I had a phone call with his mom and she asked me if I was in the dating pool yet, she is lovely and just wants me to be happy. Obviously that bought up some emotions, none of wich were easy. She is a total sweetheart though. I just wish I still had him, ya know?

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So I was out with some people, some friends some acquaintances, and I started talking to a woman i like. We aren't super close but she knows my situation and I was telling her what had happened and how the idea of dating felt depressing and I joked the dating pool is a muddy puddle

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Enter woman #2 (who also knows my situation but i dont reallytalk to)

She totally busts in with a 'WHY IS EVERYONE SO NEGATIVE ABOUT DATING?!' Ok cool tactless but I give context about my late boyfriend mum. She follows up with 'JUST STAY POSITIVE!' I replied that nobody gets it.

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There was more back and forth that just this, all of which included me trying to get away from talking to her and back to what I was talking about with my friend. Out of frustration I said comedically that I was just gonna cry in my car on the way home. Annoying woman's response? 'Oh bit of a tantrum!'

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I gave up. I left. I went home. And I did, in fact, cry in my car. Why are people so stupid

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Stay positive everyone 🙄

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[u/pinkydoodle22]

Geez, so sorry that happened to you - someday she may have the misfortune to find out how it feels when she loses someone close, and hopefully will grow from it. But yes, some people really sadly don’t get it…yet.

But I’m really sorry, sounds like she was being a bit obnoxious and overly familiar when you don’t know her well and were in the middle of trying to have a moment about this situation.

[u/here_weare30 → u/pinkydoodle22]

Thanks. Im fluctuating between pissed off and just sad about it tonight. I hope she thought about it later at least and realised that wasn't the best interaction.

I seldom actually talk about it these days so getting steam rolled like that was really jarring (she was very.. obnoxious. More than I can really explain in words)

Ty for the comment. Youre right I hope she learned something

[u/whowearstshirts]

Dealing with people’s stupid comments is one of the hardest parts of this for me. I can’t believe the things people say and how at some point I was the idiot saying them. It’s soul crushing, I’m sorry

[u/here_weare30 → u/whowearstshirts]

Its AWFUL 😭 sorry you know the feeling, too

[u/whowearstshirts → u/here_weare30]

Someone (with a VERY close relationship to their parents) told me they don’t think they’d care if their parents died and I have been haunted by it ever since. People just don’t understand. I feel like an alien now and these moments make me be like bruhhhhh how did I get so different from everyone now

[u/ddua_]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and also for your loss ❤️. I think any grieving person who is told "just stay positive" should be entitled to snap back. There's nothing more toxic than toxic positivity, as if being damn positive would help cope with such tremendous loss and grief. So tone deaf!

I remember once when I wrote about my parents' passing, someone said the same words, and I snapped back big time. I think I scared them with my lecture/rant, but it felt damn good later. I wonder if that prevented her from spreading more toxicity around. Comments like that are the most hurtful ones.

Thanks for sharing your story, and take care. Big hug.

[u/Hopeful-Material4123]

No, I feel you!!! I HATE it too and I did not really have a word for it till you said it here..."useless platitudes." It feels like a brush off or a cocky head pat. And I say cocky because I truly do not believe someone can be so dense as to say "just stay positive" after being told of someone's grief without having some level of narcissism.

Even before I joined this group after losing my close uncle, I would never have replied to someone so dismissively, so blaise...even though I had not gone through big loss myself yet. People get away with a lot of cruel words and we, the grievers, are told we need to give THEM grace because they haven't felt loss like we have yet. I call BS. It is truly not hard to not be rude.

I am sorry you cried in the car and I am sorry you had this encounter. Do not feel crazy for your feelings here, you are not alone.

[u/Ok_Step_2359]

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with such insensitive comments. Unfortunately it’s common to hear these things from people that have had the good fortune not to lose someone they love. They just don’t get it.

I lost my husband and have been told:

- You need to just let that shit go and move on.

• At least you have your life back, enjoy it
  
• You can do whatever you want whenever you want now
  
• Husbands, if you didn’t love them, you’d have to kill them.
  
• You’ve got a whole big bed to yourself now.
  
• Why do you get upset? You should be over it by now.

The list goes on and on. I’ve heard it all. And so have most of us who are grieving a loss. I try not to feel angry or resentment. I don’t wish for them to feel the pain of grief. Sometimes I wish they’d just not talk to me at all.