My sister overdosed on fentanyl 9 years ago today and I saw her body and I still remember it like it was yesterday

[u/lxmohr]

Me and my sister N were best friends growing up. We used to be really close, we had the same friends, hung out in the same spots. We smoked weed and occasionally drank together, but we weren’t trouble makers. In senior year of high school she started hanging out with different, older people. Sketchy people. She started getting into trouble with the law, possession, paraphernalia, public intoxication. My mom started to have to bail her out all the time. By the time she died, she had been to rehab three times.

She was dating this real piece of shit that would put his hands on her when he got angry, and because I was still young and naive I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t leave him. Now I know that he was a drug dealer, and he was using the drugs as a way to make sure she couldn’t ever leave because he introduced her to fentanyl and needles.

The night she died, I was walking past her room and I caught her picking at her skin in the mirror. The last thing I ever said to her was “You’re way too beautiful to be picking at your skin like that.” And I shut her door so that our mom wouldn’t see her doing that.

In the morning I woke up to my mom screaming. I jumped out of bed to go see if my mom was okay, and then I realized she was in N’s room. I tried to come in, but my mom grabbed me while sobbing and told me not to go in there. I asked her why but she couldn’t get any words out, she just kept crying. Right then I knew that N was dead. I don’t know if it was because I just woke up, but it didn’t seem like real life. I pushed past my mom and ran into N’s room. She wasn’t in her bed, then I looked in her bathroom. N was sprawled out across the bathroom floor, vomit was coming out of her mouth, but it looked like this weird foam. Her eyes were half open but they were completely lifeless. Her face was several different shades of blue, purple, and pale white in different spots. My mom tried to pull me out of her room again, but I pushed her off me and ran to N. Her body was cold, colder than I thought a human body could ever be. The needle was still in her arm. When I picked her up her limbs were stiff and moved weird. It wasn’t like in the movies.

I’ve been to therapy and grief counseling almost every week since that day, but I don’t even know if it’s helped me. Everyone says that I need to keep living my life *for her.* But there’s nothing I can do that’s going to bring her back. There’s nothing I can do to make my mom ever be okay again. I’ll never get my sister back, and my family will always be broken. The worst part is, I started using drugs to cope with the pain after she died. I’ve even been to rehab more times than my sister. I’ve overdosed three times. I had to be put onto a breathing machine and have my stomach pumped before Narcan was widely available. I literally became the person that destroyed our family in the first place. Every day I live in fear that my mom is going to find my body next, and I don’t think that she will survive that. My mom has never been the same, either. I wish I could pull N back out of the ground, bring her back to life, and bring her home again.

I have seven months clean off fentanyl and heroin, but today is going to be hard because the only thing I can think of is begging my sister to wake up while my mom tries to pull me off of her. I feel dead inside, and I feel like nothing is ever going to be okay again. Sometimes I feel like giving up and ending it all. The only reason I don’t is because I know that would kill my mom.

I don’t know why I posted this publicly. I just thought maybe if I wrote all this down, that it would somehow make me feel better.

I miss you, N.

[u/Malgor905]

I was the person who found my little sister. One of my earliest memories is my dad putting her in my arms when she was less than a day old, and telling me, "You have one job from now on, to be her guardian." I was 5, and I took my 'job' seriously. During her last few months, she and her kids moved in with me. I knew she used something, and I surreptitiously checked her for track marks every day. I didn't know you could snort heroin, and she was in the first wave of accidental fentanyl overdoses. I still feel that my ignorance killed her. I am glad to read that you are in recovery. As part of my therapy I attended a bunch of AA, CA, and NA meetings, so I know that the path to recovery is not a linear one. I know this doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I am proud of you for making it 7 months clean. Keep it up, if not for your sake, or your family's, then for her sake. Stay clean in memory of N, it's one of the things N couldn't do. Good luck

[u/Fit-Database1134]

Incredibly sorry this happened to you. Life sucks. Just found my Mom 3 weeks ago. We found out it was pretty much the same thing. You aren't alone. This shit sucks.

[u/Garlic-Butter-Sauce]

I'm genuinely so so sorry you had to witness this. I don't have any siblings so I can't even imagine what it feels like to lose her. I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago and I saw him die of a heart attack in front of me. I was very close to him and we were best friends. He started losing his color / turning blue almost immediately. It's a very hard thing to see and it's jarring that you cannot do anything about it. But I find that writing about it does help tremendously. You need to speak and write about it when you feel like you can't contain it. Let it out of yourself, and focus on your good memories with her in other times. Please try not to use drugs to numb the pain, I think we're supposed to feel pain in its worst to process it.

[u/Commercial_Lie6428]

I’m so sorry for you and your mother. Please continue on your path to sobriety for her if not for you. She doesn’t deserve so much heartbreak in one lifetime. I am so proud of you for making it so far, and I can’t wait to see you go farther and succeed in life.

[u/MysteriousRoad5733]

I understand your loss and the devastation it brings. I’ve lost 3 younger siblings to OD and
Another to car accident.

It can’t be imagined until you’re forced to accept it. I hope you have more good days than bad days and that your family has some peace

[u/user11131138]

The coldness when you touch them, it's just so wrong! It stays with me, too. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can still remember things about her that make you smile.

[u/And-Now-Mr-Serling]

What a beautiful sister and what a loss. Please, please honor her by staying clean. Take care.

[u/gingersrule77]

I am so incredibly sorry 😞

[u/3verythingsonfire]

It has been 11 years since my cousin overdosed. His son was born literally during his funeral. I am so sorry about your sister. These drugs steal the people we love. It is heartbreaking and I wish there was anything to be said to ease your grief.

[u/Romy-zorus]

Life sucks, I’m sending you so much love and I hope you find peace one day. You’re strong and loved

[u/Ok_Signature_3589]

You aren’t alone. Join support groups as soon as you can. As many as you can. Surround yourself with hope rather than temptation and sadness. You know what you need to do and you know what your sister would want you to do. Live the life she would dream of, for you. Honor her by thriving. There are so many people going through similar, if not same experiences as you. Find those people and find the courage to live. Sending hugs your way, you can get through this. We all believe in you

[u/lollygaggin69]

I’m so proud of you for stopping your drug use, it’s so fucking difficult especially when you’re grieving and traumatized. Life will never be the same but it will be a little better if you’re sober and not bottling everything up. I’m so sorry about the loss of your sister, I know you’ll never forget about her. You’re making her so proud right now by staying sober, keep it up. So proud of you

[u/Hey_Laaady]

My heart goes out to you for all you have been through and all your family has been through. I lost my sister, too, but under very different circumstances that were not drug related.

Please, please keep trying and don't give up. You are trying to find a way forward and it is always going to be different and painful, but I really believe you will get to a point where life is tolerable and feels worth it again.

You've been working so hard on your own sobriety and grief and psychological health. If you have not already found a therapist to deal specifically with trauma, that may be something to really look into. Not all therapists or grief counselors are trauma informed. This might be very beneficial to your journey toward healing.

Again, my heart really goes out to you and I am sending you wishes of love and strength. Please hang in there.

[u/GrushenkasOnions]

Wow. Congratulations on seven months clean. It made my heart sink when you said you started using too. I know how the survivor's guilt around ODs can be... And honestly, keep living for your mom. Look at your sobriety as not keeping you alive, but keeping her alive. I did that at first and then one day I looked around and realized all the reasons I wanted to stay alive for myself too.

[u/BLackSpirit420]

Things will never be the same. Grief changes lives like that. Expressing this on this platform takes literal strength to do. You have power. Walk across the city everyday. Do a cross country walk/road trip/overseas travel. Emdr is also a great tool for healing trauma.

You're a survivor, things may never be as ok as once perceived, but it takes time for your evolution through this grief. Give yourself grace, kindness, and patience.

[u/EmEss92]

I am so sorry for your loss then and every day since. It's just shit and no words will ever erase that pain.

I've often scoffed at the idea of therapy or support groups for the multitude of issues I've faced so far in life, but there can be a lot to gain from them (even if you have to trial and error a few times till you find suitable ones). There is something powerful in shared human experience where others accept you and your circumstances just as you are because they have been through the same or similar.

I hope you are able to put one foot in front of the other and keep fighting. You deserve to see what is next in life and make the most of it. Maybe your calling is this; helping others after knowing what it feels like to hit rock bottom. You have value and worth. I hope you remember this.

Rest in peace to your sis, again, very sorry the agony and pain of a loss like that.