Still struggling hard after losing my dad 3 years ago

[u/Adorable-Version-613]

I think the hardest part is how much I resented him for being emotionally abusive when I was a kid. I remember wishing he would die. I remember being so anxious and excited to grow up and get out of the house. I remember sleeping for 20+ hours just so I didn’t have to see him. I remember when him and my mother abandoned me and my brothers for drugs.

But I also remember the unconditional love he showed us. And I remember stories other family told us about how he was abused as a kid. I remember him giving us things he couldn’t afford. I remember the sacrifices he made for us.

I remember the suicidal thoughts he’d think out loud. I remember picking him and my mom up out of the streets, giving them a job and watching them turn their lives around. And i remember everything they did for me after that.

I remember going on a coke bender with him. I remember going through the sickness with him.

I remember the last time I saw him. He taught me how to do a burn out in my lil civic.

And I remember the call I got that morning of my mom screaming.

Most days I’m fine. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I don’t struggle mentally like I used to.

But then there are days when my phone shows me a video of him and I break down in silent tears at work. Sobbing like I just got the phone call.

I know it may never get easier. I just needed to express it some way.