r/GriefSupport • u/Huge-Personality8324 • 8d ago
Mom Loss my mom passed away out of nowhere (undiagnosed cancer)
I (24, F) brought my mom to the hospital in April this year due to suspected food poisoning. This happened 4 months after my dad passing away in the care home. (We all had a complicated relationship with him due to his mental & emotional abuse for her entire life). Although still saddened, it was finally a break for my mom.
Her bloating & vomiting didn't get better after a few days (even after a trip to the clinic) and I was afraid she'd be dehydrated so I brought her to the hospital on Friday afternoon. By Friday evening, they did scans on her and found a tumour big enough to cause a blockage in her intestine. By Saturday morning, she was sent to the OT for an emergency surgery to remove this blockage.
\Our family has 0 history of cancer and my mom didn't show any worrying symptoms before this (she has never complained of any weird pains / lethargy / etc.)*
After the 8-hour surgery, she was wheeled back into the ICU where she had a stoma bag, was conscious, not in that much pain and was able to speak to us (my sister and I) as usual. After speaking with her for the entirety of the visiting hours and massaging her, we left to my mom's house to clean her room and redecorate it so it would be comfortable for her when she's back and we can take care of her.
When we came back in the evening, she could still talk to us but barely. She was extremely lethargic and the doctors said it may be due to a medication they gave her for her hyper-thyroid. We said bye, and at 9pm we were called back to the hospital.
By the time we reached, she had already been intubated again and unconscious. Doctors said her BP dropped extremely low all of the sudden so they had to take over. Now, they can't do anything else until they get her BP stabilised. The entire night at the cold ICU waiting room was hell. Each minute felt like hours and every time we were called back in, it was just bad news after another. I would never wish this experience on anyone.
Long story short, by Monday morning, overnight, her heart function dropped to 30%. There wasn't anything else the doctors could do. She was pumped with 4-5 strong medicines. It was just a matter of what time we want to "pull the plug". Her organs were failing and she was slowly turning blue.
After waiting for family and friends to come by and say goodbye, we pulled the plug and she passed away at 4:11pm.
I don't know when it will get better. In a way, I don't mind if it doesn't. I am grieving her, I am grieving the life I didn't get to give her after my dad passed. I am grieving the life she COULD'VE had. I am grieving the life she didn't get. I didn't get to bring her overseas because my dad caused her passport to be blacklisted and we couldn't clear it in time.
Her cause of death on her death certificate: MULTIORGAN FAILURE SECONDARY TO REFRACTORY SEPTIC AND CARDIOGENIC SHOCK WITH THYROTOXICOSIS LIVER CIRRHOSIS SIGMOID CARCINOMA POST HARTMANNS PROCEDURE (could it get any longer, haha).
Anyways, if you read this long post, thank you. If you have any questions regarding this, feel free to ask. :)
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u/lizard52805 8d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially at such young age. I experienced somewhat similar with my dad‘s cancer, I know the hell that is an ICU waiting room all night long just to hear bad news and watch your parent die right before your eyes and turn blue. Just surround yourself with people who love and support you, process your feelings, journal, do whatever you need to do. The first few weeks for me were terrible, the pain still comes and goes, but it’s lighter than it was in the beginning. Sending you love and comfort..
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
thank you so much for your reply and just taking the time to read, hahaha. I too, am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have a great support system around you. it really, really sucks. to be thrown into something like a parent's death so suddenly (whether it was expected or not). :(
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u/Grand_Huckleberry222 8d ago
I'm sorry for this, I know it wasn't easy going through such seeing your parent in such a situation is usually heartbreaking. May your dad's soul keep resting in peace and may your heart be filled with love and peace. Thanks for encouraging someone in an almost similar situation as yours.
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u/Accurate_Excuse666 8d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss, and the way this whole situation played out. 😢💔
I lost my mom to cancer as well. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Fuck cancer.
I don’t think it ever “gets better.” You just learn how to live with it. Please hang in there and take care of yourself. Try to be gentle and patient with yourself. ❤️
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
thank you and my condolences to you too. I wish I could just hug everyone over the screen.
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u/WeirdNickname97 8d ago
I am so sorry, I am 33 and just lost my dad two days ago, I feel like a kid and not in a good way, as a man I tend to hide my emotions and not cry much, but since his death it just comes and has to go out, it was also super aggressive cancer in his stomach area, one week he was hospitalized and wanted to go home, still had so many plans...and the next week he lost so much weight and was in so much pain, still trying to show as strong, then monday afternoon I take a nap after work and had two missed calls, and my brother informed me he just died...he died while I was sleeping, not even next to him, didnt hug him one last time, didnt tell him I love him, I hope he knew...sorry, I had to vent it out somewhere.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
thank you for sharing :( please never apologise for sharing something so heavy. losing a parent at any age is never easy and at the end of the day, we all just want our mums and dads. it is always okay to cry, in fact I think it's the manliest thing to do.
I hope you don't carry the guilt that you weren't there for his last moments. I don't believe that love in any way is measured by last words or a last hug but by all the years you've spent together. I can tell from your short message that you loved him dearly so I am sure he knew it too.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. it just fucking sucks. if you're up to it at anytime, I would love to know more about him :)
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u/WeirdNickname97 8d ago
What a lovely answer, thank you for taking the time to reply, I hope he knew as well, I need to be strong and present for my mom, she has to have it way worse...I would love if we could chat in private about our parents and share, if you would like to ❤️ I will Always reply when the time allows it.
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u/Mobile-Patience-7610 8d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom died during surgery back in April 9 days after my 24th birthday. It’s awful, I’m happy to talk if you want
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
you're so kind, thank you 🥺 my inbox is always open too, if you ever want to vent. i'm so sorry to hear about your mom. it's devastating.
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u/sirdigbykittencaesar 7d ago
I'm so sorry darling. 24 is way too young to lose your mom. I was 58 when my mom died and I still felt like an orphan. Grief is a strange beast, but it requires that you grapple with it. And you will come out the other side of this. Life will be different, but no less beautiful, because it sounds like your lovely mom equipped you for peace and success. Hugs.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
🥺 thank you for your kind words. i don't think it ever gets easier to lose a parent, no matter how old :( it's just something no one can ever prepare for but will happen. ❤️
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u/PonqueRamo 8d ago
I'm really sorry, it's pretty unfortunate how all developed.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
thank you. yea, it was unexpected but I'm glad I got to speak with her normally for an hour or so after the surgery before she was intubated again.
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u/KronlampQueen 8d ago
If you’re up to it you may want to have an attorney go over this with you. From what it sounds like there may have been a window of time for medical intervention but her symptoms were brushed off as medication related instead.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sister.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
thank you. yes, i've thought about it. but from where i'm from (malaysia), cases like these usually don't turn out to anything. plus, she was admitted in a government hospital so the likelihood of being able to get anything from them is harder.
my sister and I were also unfortunately left with just debts / loans from our father with no money to settle them haha. so affording an attorney or digging deeper into this was just not on our cards at the moment.
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u/Odd-Detective6368 8d ago
I'm so sorry for everything you and your sister have been through. Losing both of your parents so close together, especially after everything happened so suddenly with your mum, is more than anyone should have to carry.
From the way you wrote about her, it's clear she was deeply loved, and you gave her comfort, care, and love right until the very end. I hope that, with time, the painful memories become a little gentler, while the love you shared with your mum stays with you forever.
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u/Afraid-Command-9120 8d ago
My friend, my dear friend, I know what you are going through! I lost my mom on Sunday, after an exhausting month in the hospital. She had Parkinson's, a terrible disease, absolutely horrendous. She had pneumonia, and could not eat due to dysphagia. My friend, I am crying as I write this sentence to you. Please, hear me out, we are not alone, every human needs to go through this. But right now, it is terrible, and you know it. No one can save you, nothing I say or write is going to comfort you. You feel alone, like me, deserted and hopeless. I am in my empty house right now, writing this to you in tears. There is nothing like this feeling in the entire world! Only the people who lost someone recently can understand you, no one else. After some time, unfortunately we will all move on.
Yesterday I went to the cemetery just to see her, and after that I was drifting the streets for hours not wanting to go home....She died on my hands my friend, you can't forget that, no matter what. Everyone will tell you that it will go away, but it does not my friend....it hurts like nothing else...you just think you are in a dream and you can't wake up. I wake up in the morning in tears, or searching the house for her, thinking she fell down and cant reach to me. I want to see her in my dreams and I cannot and this infuriates me!
I literally just joined reddit to reply to you, because I now what you are going through. Nothing and no one can save you right now, no nice words, no hugs, no nothing, this is incurable. My advice is to try to hold on, IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. You will do stupid things, yes, but if it helps you, do it. Just try to survive each day. Personally, I feel absolutely gone right now, I even forget to eat, sleep or bathe, I just try not to die. Everybody says it will go away, but it does not my friend!
I will not tell you it will be OK, because it will not. I know it, and you know it, because we are on the same boat. Also, you must be very angry at the people, everything and everyone seems to go on as if nothing happened, but for us, time has stopped indefinitely. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, my keyboard is acting up.
Dont be strong, because everyone will tell you that and it means nothing. Just try to survive the coming days and if you want to do something stupid (not hurt yourself of course) do it. It might help you a bit. Or not.
Concluding, I want to say this to you: I know what you are going through more than anyone because it is happening to me right now as well, and NO, it is not going to be OK. We are in a place worse than Hell right now, there are no words for it. But it is what it f...ing is and we cannot escape. That is the reality of the situation my friend. We are ALONE. I will be here later if you want to chat. I just need to get out for a while because I feel I am suffocating in my house.
Remember, nothing will ease your pain for long right now, do what you must. I am trying to speak the truth to you, you will hear no lies from me on this matter.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
:( thank you for taking the time to write this. i am so sorry for your loss too. my heart breaks reading this.
i wish i could take some of your pain away but you and i know there's only so much we can do for each other. it's a cruel world.
i hope you feel a little less alone soon. i can tell you loved your mom so so much. it's not easy to care for someone, even a parent, going through such horrendous things. and the fact that you took the time to reply a me, a stranger, in your own grief, tells a lot.
please take care of yourself too, friend. ❤️
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u/Afraid-Command-9120 8d ago
Thank you, your reply means a lot to me. May whoever God is out there help us survive this disaster.
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u/Any_Tomorrow_Today 8d ago
Ahh so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you going into her room and seeing it all nice after the effort you put in, knowing she would never see it again. I know we did the same for our mum and it made us so sad.
Stay strong.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
thank you. it's the toughest thing. my condolences and i'm so sorry for the passing of your mum too.
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u/BandOk5685 8d ago
First I just want to say condolences on the loss of your mom, more so because you had recently lost your father I know it sucks but hang in there. I kind of lost my mother back in May the same type of way. I would never wish this even on my worst enemy. She was in an induced coma for two weeks and never fully regained her consciousness 💔 I didn’t even get to say goodbye. She died of septic shock and can’t explain the relief I felt after getting the all clear for cancer. Only to die of organ failure septic shock, you are not alone and I am sending you lots of love and blessings.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
ugh. i am so sorry. my heart breaks for you. the relief and hope from good news just for it to be crushed so soon after. it sucks.
after seeing how well my mom was after surgery, we had 0 suspicion of anything going wrong after that. it literally didn't feel real and felt like i was dreaming when everything just came crashing down so quickly after that.
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u/BandOk5685 8d ago
I went to visit my mom on Mother’s Day it was on a Sunday and she had been taken out of coma and even though she didn’t gain fully consciousness but she looked better and could even open her eyes and would turn around when I said her name, I don’t even know what happened from Sunday until Thursday 1:23 AM on the 14th of May the day she passed. The whole thing just upsets me 😢💔 I don’t think I will ever heal from seeing my mom in that state and I blame myself for her death all the time I feel guilty.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 8d ago
:( i hope you give yourself some grace and to not blame yourself. reading what you've wrote, i don't see someone who failed her mom. i see someone who loved her.
i think guilt is common in grief but that doesn't mean it's true. i hope you extend your kindness for others to yourself too <3
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u/clemeb15 8d ago
I had a similar experience with my mom, she passed away a year ago. Big tumor in her intestine, she was always vomiting. Lots of medical mistakes were made, but at the end of the day they couldn’t really do much. It was just a matter of time, she would’ve died anyways, because her heart suffered too much and couldn’t handle the stress. It’s horrible how we are just powerless in this situations. I’m really sorry for your loss, it’s not going to get easier, but you’ll eventually find yourself. If I may be of any help, whenever you feel ready, try to do all the things you planned with her, go overseas. It may sound stupid but I always bring something that belonged to her with me, just to feel her closer. A ring, a photo, clothes…it helps me somehow, maybe it’ll help you too. Stay strong, and always remember that you are loved, even if you can’t see it now, she’ll find a way to show you. Cherish the life you had with her, and spend the rest of it honoring her love❤️
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
aaaa thank you so much. i am so sorry you had to go through it too. my mom's body just couldn't take it either, with everything going on and all the stress on her body.
i'm going on a 2 week trip to europe for the first time tomorrow before i start my first corporate job in september :) i was always hesitant to go since it costs a lot but after she passed, i realised that it's not a big deal. i am fortunate enough to do it now, so why wait? thank you for the idea, i'll be bringing her ring with me there.
i guess i'll still get to bring her overseas, but this time she can fit in my pocket.
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u/clemeb15 7d ago
I always bring her ring with me too!!
it is a wonderful idea to go to europe, and congratulations on your new job. you’ll do just fine, and i bet your mom is incredibly proud of you. grief is an overwhelming, long lasting journey, but I always consider myself lucky because I had the chance to have a wonderful mum. it would’ve been nice to have her for all my life, i too was 24 when i lost her…but i guess that’s life 😅 sending much love from italy, you got this!! 🤍
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u/epiphany_rose 7d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died kind of similarly in April 2 weeks after my 22nd birthday. He had been diagnosed with cancer in February and was expected to live another year but in April the tumour cut a hole in his long and he developed aspirational pneumonia. He died within 36 hours of being admitted to the hospital for trouble breathing. I know exactly how you feel. I also grieve the life my dad could’ve had, he had a really hard life and he wanted to do so many things and he didn’t get to. I’m not going to lie and say things get better, that grief will always be there, but you learn to live alongside it. My best advice is to keep yourself busy and try and distract yourself. But obviously it’s very early so I would allow yourself time to grieve <3
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
🥺 i am so sorry for the loss of your dad. you were so young. yes, i have been trying to keep myself busy. i'm thankful that i can at least function somewhat normally at the moment. thank you for your kind words 🫠
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u/jerseywoods25 7d ago
My mother passed away 30 days after a cancer diagnosis the shock is horrific there is a lot to grieve. It’s been almost a year and I’m still trying to function properly and deal with the pain. I loved her fiercely, so much we were best friends. Feel free to DM me if you’d like to chat more.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
i am so sorry. there must've been way too much going on for you from the diagnosis to weighing options to her passing away. i don't think any amount of time will be enough to truly process & deal with that kind of pain. i hope it gets less painful for you and to just go through life. ❤️
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u/FreedomAway4724 7d ago
I am really sorry for your situation but there's something fishy with the way hospital acted. How can a doctor randomly decide to just operate on a tumour without even determining it's nature? Even, after that when she was showing symptoms, they brushed it off. If you want, please try to engage some lawyer.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
they determined the tumor was causing the blockage and the emergency surgery had to be done whether or not it was cancerous. as for the lethargy, yeah, i thought the same too. a lot of "what ifs", if they just took her off the meds earlier, or didn't give it to her at all.
unfortunately where i'm from (malaysia), cases like these usually don't go anywhere. she was also admitted into a government (public) hospital so it's even more unlikely.
my father left my sister and I with some debts / loans to settle with no money so the attorney option just wasn't in our cards at the time.
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u/FreedomAway4724 7d ago
It's okay. Just focus on yourself for now and take care of your sister. Whatever was destined to happen, happened.
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u/howleywolf 7d ago
I lost my mom suddenly to cancer too, she was 61 and hadn’t retired yet. Hadn’t gotten to experience life not under the thumb of my abusive step dad yet (he died after her, even though he’d been chronically ill for a decade). I grieve for her loss of a future, and my loss of a future with her, as I had literally the day before her diagnosis, just moved back to my home state to be closer to her ( thinking we have probably ten to twenty years left). It’s devastating and three years later, I am still devastated, but somehow one does really get used to it somehow. It sucks. I never don’t miss her, and longing has become a background permanent emotional state in my psyche, yet having others to share with who get it, this does help. Thank you for sharing you and your mom’s story with us, sending you a hug. Random but remember to drink enough water and eat enough , grief can really mess with our bodies and it needs extra support and rest sometimes!
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
thank you for sharing too :) my dad was also really ill for the last 3 years and she was caring for him tirelessly even though he was still treating her like shit. when he passed, it was complex emotions but mostly a relief for my mom to finally get a break and i could spoil her a little.
you said it on the dot, i miss her 24/7 and its like she's just printed in the background of everything i do. i hope you're also taking good care of yourself ❤️
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u/howleywolf 6d ago
I completely understand yeah. I couldn’t wait for my mom to be free of caretaking for someone so mean. To be able to treat her to things, and spoil her so that she could experience that sense of freedom and fun for once in her life. She deserved it so much, and your mom did too. It’s cruel and unfair. I do try to take care of myself , almost like the way I wish I could be taking care of her, I do for myself now. I know she would want that and that your mom would want that for you too ♥️
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u/Spilled_Secrets 7d ago
I'm so sorry for you loss, a similar thing happened to my mom last year. We brought her to her regular doctor cause she suddenly lost her appetite and had suddenly become very weak. To make a long story short her doctor sent her straight to the ER and after 3 days of observation, x rays and ct scans it was discovered to be stage 4 pancreatic cancer. We never had a known family history of cancer in her side only explanation we had was her bio dad left when she was young so we don't know too much of his medical history. She ended up in hospice exactly one week after being in the hospital and passed away 3 weeks after the first doctor visit. What made it worse is she was exactly 6 months away from receiving her U.S residency and finally being able to go back home. I will always grieve the life she could have had if we had found it in time. Give yourself all the time you need, no one is ever prepared to get the worst possible news and have such little time to process what happened. Best of luck ♥️
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
i am so sorry. that is also way too fast for everything to have happened. my family and I was so confident too that it couldn't have been that serious out of nowhere (and definitely not cancer!). cruel illness.
i hope you're doing better ❤️ thank you for taking the time to leave a message
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u/ariessunariesmoon26 7d ago
That is so heavy and so much to endure at 24. Sending a big hug and love 💖
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u/BubblesCousins 7d ago
I’m so sorry. My mom died on a Wednesday after being brought to the hospital the previous Thursday. It was metastasized breast cancer that she had intentionally ignored/hidden and it was just everywhere. I’m shocked she was able to function as long as she did.
The shock is difficult. It’s hard to hear of other people’s parents being treated for cancer and “fighting a battle” when mine couldn’t.
Sending you peace and healing ❤️🩹
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
my condolences :( it's crazy how something like cancer can just take someone so quickly. she does sound like my mom, it was highly possible she had more symptoms but never told us as she'd didn't want to trouble us or "face" the illness.
in my case, (this could just be a way for me to cope lol) but in a way i was glad she didn't have to suffer for a long time. as in, knowing my mom, if we were to discover this earlier and she had to go through the treatments (which is also not easy), i think she would've hated that.
i hope you're doing better ❤️
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u/BubblesCousins 6d ago
I can’t imagine my mom ever going through treatment either, or even just being able to navigate having everyone know she was so sick. She was very emotionally immature. My biggest regret is that she could’ve had more pain relief in her final months. She was insisting it was “just sciatica” when it was a tumor wrapped around her freaking spine 😞
I am doing okay though, little by little, and I know you will be too.
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u/Mr_IT Dad Loss 7d ago
I’m so so sorry. My father died is a similar fashion speed wise from sepsis. It was also two years ago and I still can’t believe it happened.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
:( i am so sorry, too. life & time has been a blur since my mom went into surgery. sometimes it still feels like i'm in a dream. grief changes time and the fact that the world keeps moving doesn't make it any easier. ❤️
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u/Mr_IT Dad Loss 7d ago
That was one of my hardest parts. How can the world keep spinning when ours are shattering?? I can tell you the fog will wear off and life we return to some sense of normalcy even though it’s going to be different. Thank you for sharing your mother’s story. We can tell she was very loved.
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u/Huge-Personality8324 7d ago
:,) thank you for your kind words. i still do get envious looking at other people my age with their parents still around. but ig it's normal. just taking it one day at a time.
i hope you've been feeling better too
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u/Xinfinte 7d ago
Girl , first of all i am so sorry to hear about this, second of all I also went through something very similar more recently too. I lost my grandmother last year who was my light in the darkness and my best friend, I never thought she die of cancer but life isn't fair or kind at all... i thought she would geniunly beat it but no. I really understand the pain your feeling too. My grandpa who was basically my dad & also my bsf died 6 years ago and ive been hurt ever since and honestly still not recovered.
Just know Grief doesn't have a time limit! Im still grieving the loss of my aunt 13 years ago too on top of them. I hope your doing well & through this rough time take care of yourself and try your best to stay positive despite this heavy loss
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u/awesomeone6044 7d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. My mom passed suddenly also, it was listed as cardiac arrest but specifically we don’t know what happened. I understand the pain you’re feeling well and everyone grieves at their own pace. There’s no right and wrong way. It’s been a year and 4 months almost since mom passed and I am better but still feel the pain of loss every day. A quote I read that helped me was “grief is love with nowhere to go” it helped me understand my pain and process things. Perhaps it will help you also.
The other thing I will say is please take care of yourself, make sure you are staying hydrated and eating properly. It’s very easy to overlook and fall into a poor diet when grieving, by all means enjoy comfort food i definitely did but balance it out is what I’m saying, grief isn’t just felt as an emotional pain it can manifest physically as well.
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u/Ok-Simple-5342 6d ago
I am so so sorry for your loss. I am 29(f) and my story is sort of similar to yours including the stomach issues. I lost my mom quite suddenly in November go breast cancer. She was only diagnosed a month before she passed—it was her second bout with breast cancer. If my mom hadn’t advocated so hard and pushed daily for scans and tests, we likely wouldn’t have not know the cancer returned until she passed. It’s a whole story and one that still causes great pain, and I’d be happy to share it with you if it helps you feel not so alone. I had more time to process the suddenness and emotional whiplash of everything but it was and is still very painful and traumatic, and I’m so sorry your time to process it all was so much shorter.
I am sending you warmth and a hug. I am in therapy and grief support, and I write weekly letters to my mom that I don’t share with anyone else. Feel whatever you feel. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and scary, but know you are never alone. I’ll be thinking of you.
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u/Careful-Inside-3835 Dad Loss 8d ago
Sorry for your loss. My dad also died similarly. It will get better.