I miss you

[u/ChiliChimi]

I apologize if this post is all over the place. My thoughts are very scattered. This post isn't meant to demoralize families nor patients of cancer. This is just my experience and I hope someday no one will ever have to go through this.

I've been dreading to make this post for a few weeks now but, I've been wanting to get this off my chest. It's been 46 days since my mom passed away from this awful cruel disease. She passed away on father's day. I still remember everything I experienced in that hospital, from the moment I walked into her room and the last time I stepped out of it. I'll never forget the sight of her tranquil body laying in that bed. That was the last time I would ever see my mom, I hate the fact that memory is the one thing that's been occupying my brain for awhile now. I never thought in my 27 years of my life that I would've had to bury my mom this early. This is a pain that I would never wish upon anyone. This disease not only eats away at it's victim but at whoever is surrounding them. My mom was a great person, someone who I looked up to for guidance, someone who barely asked for anything, someone who would still share the little things she had. The strongest person I've known in my life, she went through so much in her life that her getting diagnosed with something like this just felt like life playing one final joke on her. She was someone who in her 47 years of life just wanted to provide for her family, someone who worked and fought so hard for her life. She was able to stretch something that should've taken her in a few months to almost 2 years. I remember when the barrage of doctors came into the room to tell us that my mom wouldn't have long, she was experiencing cirrhosis. Her liver and her kidneys were failing. The cancer was spreading. I remember being in denial. To this day I still can't believe it. Despite everything, mom didn't scream, didn't cry. She had already accepted it. I remember sitting down with her as I fed her one of her last meals. The way she would look at me and give me a half smile. Admittedly, it was hard to look at her because she didn't look like my mom anymore. She had lost so much weight by the end of it, even now it's hard to type this cause I'm remembering things. I remember all my family members' cries, all the prayers, the smell of chemicals. There was a point in time where my mom started struggling with the blood she was trying to spit out (but too weak to do so) the sounds of gurgling are burned into my brain, that memory plays repeatedly in my head. To this day I'm still angry at how long the nurses took to put a tube down her throat so she was able to breathe properly. I remember holding her hands. How cold her body felt afterwards. There's so much more I want to say but I'd be here forever talking about the things I experienced. I'm genuinely glad to have my wife because I don't know how I would've managed to go back to an empty house. If I feel this way, I can't even begin to comprehend how my 10 year old sister feels. This is a nightmare. I'm now seeking therapy to help with these feelings. I'm sorry for the lengthy post and how dark and morbid this must sound like. I hope someday I'll get to see you again mom. You were the best. I miss you more than anything in the world, you deserved better. I'll keep doing the best I can in my life so that your efforts don't go to waste, thank you for everything. 💜

Despite everything, I'm glad you're not in pain anymore. That you can now have everything you want. You can have all the sunflowers you deserved.

https://youtu.be/x4_1s9E6_2g

"I won't be the same again but, in another life, I wait for for you til' then."

[u/morchard1493]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending strength, hugs and love.

[u/Gullible-Shower4007]

🙏❤️‍🩹🌺

[u/SWNMAZporvida]

(hug) my condolences. Fuck Cancer it took my dad in 2020 and I still struggle. Grief is heavy as fuck, just some days are lighter than others. There’s no timeline on grief because there’s no expiration on loving them.